Part 2 'Misconceptions of Emotions: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox.
Decoding Emotions. A new series of insights and resources
Hello, Dear Reader! Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!
I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?
Have you ever thought about your relationship with your emotions? Have you categorised or misjudged them? Are you trying to pursue happiness and failing?
Summary
The Emotional Agility Series highlighted the work of Dr Susan David, Dr Carol Dweck, Dr Brené Brown, Dr Adam Grant and James Rhee.
These experts offer tools to become more emotionally agile. I developed my own ‘in-the-moment process’ and ‘broader strategy’ to translate these tools into my everyday context.
Through discussions with clients and other caregivers, I realised that we judge our emotions. We’re conditioned by society and by each other. We apologise for our pain. We tell ourselves we should feel grateful. Or wish emotions away.
I wanted to know ‘why we do this to ourselves’, so I investigated the science, researchers’ insights, and their implications.
In this next series, 'Decoding Emotions, ' I'll introduce the work of Dr Russ Harris, Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett, Dr Iris Mauss, Dr Thomas D. Gilovich, Dr Erin Meyer, and James C Collins. These experts' published research and insights help us unlearn and relearn what we know about emotions and our relationship with them.
You can read Part One here:
Part Two: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox
Dr Russ Harris1 2 explains three myths that trap us in our thinking about happiness.
1. The Happiness Trap.3
The transcript
Popular ideas about happiness will make you miserable if you actually hold on to them too tightly believe them too much or let them dictate how you live your life and there are three big happiness myths in particular that create this happiness trap
0:29 The first myth is the idea that happiness is the natural state for human beings. You know if you give human beings food, water, shelter and loving relationships they're just going to be happy naturally. You've probably heard this myth in many, many forms.
The reality is that the normal state for a human being is an ever-changing flow of emotions. Emotions are like the weather, continually changing.
You wouldn't say the natural state for the weather is a warm spring, sunny afternoon. It's natural in Winter that it's going to be colder, and in summer, it's going to be hotter, and so it is with our emotions. You expect to feel anxious in challenging situations with an uncertain outcome. You expect to feel fear when there's danger or threat present
1:17 The second big happiness myth links to the first one. The idea that happiness means feeling good.
If you look at most dictionary definitions of happiness it's described as a state of pleasure or a state of contentment. If this is your notion of happiness, then there's no such thing as lasting happiness because how long does a good feeling last?
1:38 Think of the happiest day of your life. How long did a state of pleasure or contentment last before there was some frustration, disappointment, anxiety or irritation?
1:48 If I were to define the word happiness I would describe it as living a rich full and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions. The things that make life rich full and meaningful don't just give us pleasant feelings.
2:00 Think about building loving relationships. Think about people that you love and care about and you spend a long time with. Do you have a relationship like that in your life that only gives rise to pleasant feelings?
2:14 When relationships are going well, there are often wonderful feelings of love and joy. But all relationships come with tension, conflict, and difficulty.
If you're a parent, if you have children, then you know that having kids brings a huge amount of meaning, purpose, and fulfilment into your life but what other feelings does it give you? Now, when I ask this question to audiences at my public workshop there's a big laugh and then parents start calling out anxiety, guilt, frustration, anger rage.
It's amazing how these people we love so much can arouse such strong, painful emotions in us, and this holds true for really any meaningful life project.
3:00 From building a career, from looking after your body, from building a family. The things that make life rich, full and meaningful give you plenty of painful emotions as well as some very pleasant ones.
3:14 The third big myth that feeds into the other two is the idea if you're not happy you're defective. More and more, human nature is being pathologised as science there's something wrong with you and you need some medication to fix it.
3:30 The reality is that if you're not happy, your normal life is difficult. You know, I ask my public workshops: Is there anybody here who thinks life is too easy and needs some more difficulty? Is there anybody in this room who needs some more pain and suffering? You know, life is hard and challenging—not always, but a lot of the time.
Personal reflection.
When I read ‘The Happiness Trap’ and saw these videos for the first time, a lightbulb moment happened. This was the moment I realised the seismic acute activity after 2015, was me living life to the fullest, largest capacity I could.
I’ve been living life within its large pendulum swings and sometimes free fall. It’s not pleasant, but I have no regrets or wish to go back in time and change anything. It’s the journey of navigating through all the sticky, messy, joy-pain, bittersweetness of it all that makes it worth-my-while and rich. [Here is the link to the Timeline exercise where you can create your own graph of peaks and troughs, to see your own pendulum swings]
Everything is uncertain and changing. We are not immortal, and we can’t control everything. But we can fortunately and unfortunately feel everything.
I didn’t know it then, but somewhere, I reconciled myself to the messiness because if I could be absolutely mindful, present, and heart wide open, perhaps I could flow curiously rather than struggle against what was happening. The early struggle, torment, and ‘why-ing’ were exhausting and tore at me (See Prelude to Caregiving Love and Torture or The Eldercare Rollercoaster).
This is why I researched, investigated, and sought explanations and insights. (My quirk: when the going gets tough, I read, research and investigate - growth mindset etc.! Dr Carole Dweck explains a growth mindset.)
The things that make life rich, full and meaningful give you plenty of painful emotions as well as some very pleasant ones. - Dr Russ Harris
A recent comment I made on an article4 by
and keeps echoing in my mind. I repeated it here in my ‘Respite’ article.“As a caregiver, the most essential gift has been to live in the liminal moments of paradox. Be human, real and imperfect. There are no perfect moments; there is no point wasting the messy mix for the never-real.
I treasure the small moments, the silly moments of giggles and the small things so much more now. Thank you Jane and Evelyn”
No one tells you that it’s the unavoidable, pain-joy, mess that IS life. Instead, we’re told we need to BE HAPPY, (cue songs and clichés). What happens when we try to make ‘Happiness’ a goal in life? Here’s a snippet of expert’s knowledge about the ‘Pursuit of happiness’. (I’ll be sharing more articles on this soon)
2. The paradox of pursuing happiness
Is it possible to pursue and achieve happiness? Have people managed to achieve happiness as a goal?
Dr Susan David (2017) - The paradox of happiness is that deliberately striving for it is fundamentally incompatible with the nature of happiness itself. Real happiness comes through activities you engage in for their own sake rather than for some extrinsic reason, even when the reason is something as seemingly benevolent as the desire to be happy. Striving for happiness establishes an expectation, which confirms the saying that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. That’s why holidays and family events are often disappointing, if not downright depressing. Our expectations are so high that it’s almost inevitable we’ll be let down. 5
Dr Irene Mauss (2014) - Experiencing happiness is consistently associated with a wide range of positive outcomes, including greater well-being and better psychological health. However, it is less clear what outcomes are associated with pursuing happiness. In fact, several lines of research suggest a paradoxical effect: the more people pursue happiness, the less likely they are to experience positive outcomes, including feelings of happiness6
A last reflection
I try to avoid pursuing a feeling or focusing on the destination or end goal. After all, there is a definitive and inevitable finality in eldercare. It is the quality over quantity and how I spend my most expensive asset-time that matters most to me on this journey now. The smallest messy moments can have the deepest impact.
While the peaks and troughs define the amplitude of emotions and experiences, everything in between makes my life rich, meaningful and full of value.
Postscript:
The universe just brought me back to
and Jake’s article. Heart aching empathy.‘If I’m repeating these activities throughout the essay like a mantra, that’s because it is my mantra, and these are the raw material that both focus my concentration on our life together and make our life together. I didn’t know that these familiar activities would become exciting, simply by still having them, and by having Jake. That similar days, day after day, when they’re with the person most important to you, come with so many textures and details that they’re not really the same. How are we all just living our lives not realizing that until it’s too late?’
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Dr Russ Harris, M.B.B.S., is a physician and psychotherapist, working in private practice in Melbourne, Australia. He graduated in medicine from the University of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England, in 1989, and emigrated to Australia in 1991. As a GP, he became increasingly interested in the psychological aspects of health and wellbeing, and increasingly disenchanted with writing prescriptions. Ultimately this interest led to a career change – from medical practitioner to therapist.
Since 2005, Russ has run over 800 two-day workshops and provided ACT training for over 80,000 health professionals. He has authored four ACT textbooks. The Happiness Trap, has sold over one million copies worldwide, with translations into over 30 languages. (To download the opening chapter, click here.)
In 2015 Russ created an ACT protocol for the World Health Organisation, for use in refugee camps. The WHO have now published 3 RCTs based on this protocol, showing that it not only significantly reduces depression and PTSD but also prevents the onset of mental health disorders in those at high risk. Russ also wrote and designed a cartoon-based book for the WHO (based on ACT) called ‘Doing What Matters In Times of Stress’; on the WHO website, this is now their most commonly downloaded mental health resource.
David, Susan. Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life
This is so helpful and supportive and important to know and think about. Thank you once again, Victoria!
OMG, you said some of my favorite lines in this post, including my favorite: emotions are like weather. I used to tell my acting students that when I was teaching the Meisner technique--actors are interesting to watch when they move fluidly from one present emotional state to another, when they don't fight, prevent, stop breathing and then present from their intellect.
Toxic positivity, trying to think our ways into "happier" emotions, prevents authenticity, trust, connection and joy. Stay curious. Ride the wave. Yes, yes and yes.