'A little respite: reminders, revelry and love?'
A short post of a little paradox
Hello Friends,
Unlike my usual posts, this is a little letter because..wait for it…I’m on a little caregiving break, so here’s me sharing a little before I go out to walk in the sunshine Yes, OMG, there is sunshine here in the UK, and it’s 15+' C!
I have a few days to myself, and while my conditioned body clock prohibits a lie-in, I’m already revelling in not having a routine.
When I thought of writing a short message to you, I knew I wanted to reframe ‘respite’ and ‘Freedom’ within the context of caregiving - Victoria, Carer-Mentor style ;-)
In short, take the antonyms and near antonyms below as my synonyms for ‘Respite-Victoria Style’.
When I’m in caregiving mode, we try to sustain calm, tranquility, and peace so my mother can repose and relax. For us, we’ve found our harmony. We are SO blessed. I know this is founded on all the precarious, uncertain pain we went through looking after Dad. We forged our love more deeply through those never-ending fires—rollercoaster hell.
So, right now I have music blaring, and this morning I had an hour-long chat with a good friend: new R&B music découvertes and a soulful reconnection. BIG YAY!
Respite is moving, ‘unrest’, bustle. It is a re-alignment of my mind-body-spirit.
The Reframe: Some nameless people have said to me, ‘I couldn’t put my life on hold like you have.’ Many people don’t understand that caregiving is one aspect of my life—it’s not all of it, and it’s NOT putting my life on hold. Caring is part of my life journey right now, and I’m blessed by it. I belong to my own path, and I’m walking it, eyes wide open, in all its mess and bittersweet moments.
The Reminder going into Respite time: Yesterday’s cross-post collaboration between Jane and Evelyn brought this home to me. ‘Evelyn Skye on How to Find Joy in Writing through Hard Times’
'Life may not be a fairy tale, but you can learn to find the moments of joy in them that are uniquely yours—and even to create more.' -
My comment to
and Evelyn:As a caregiver, the most essential gift has been to live in the liminal moments of paradox. Be human, real and imperfect. There are no perfect moments; there is no point wasting the messy mix for the never-real.
I treasure the small moments, the silly moments of giggles and the small things so much more now. Thank you Jane and Evelyn
Caveat: Many caregivers sleepwalk into caring for a loved one. Some feel trapped and obliged to continue. Each person has a unique situation and context. I can only speak to my life and no one else’s.
Revelry and Freedom - soulful style: I repeatedly emphasised to my Dad that through a twisted, horrible circumstance, his horrific hospitalisation in 2015 put me on a path to freedom. Unshackled from expectations, ‘should do’s’, and the corporate ladder, I found myself again.
Caregiving is an essential piece, but only one piece of my value system. As a curious researcher and explorer (knowledge, music, people, places…the list goes on) I look for connections and new ideas. Hence the Carer Mentor website to Network Empathy and Inspiration!
This morning I had another reminder -
did a post that took me back to those ‘unplugged’ music days. LOVE that one!I was reminded of this unplugged session with George Michael (March 29, 2011).
It is a perfect segue to celebrate and revel in me-time. Not ‘freedom from caregiving’, but a celebration of life opportunities, to BE whatever feels right.
Keep walking your why, and you’ll find YOUR path. What does that mean? My advice would be to try to be ‘eyes wide open’ and choose the actions and steps that feel ‘right’.
These kinds of choices move you towards what you feel is right because they are aligned with your values. This is what gives me the feeling of being free. This is a somewhat stretched paraphrase of Dr. Susan David and Viktor Frankl’s work—a teaser for the new articles coming soon.
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great,” - Maya Angelou told Bill Moyers in a 1973 interview.27 Jun 2017
The wise words of Maya Angelou remind us that while we love connecting with others, belonging to ourselves means we may stand alone in the crowd. We are, after all, each a unique beautiful human!
The underlying red thread that runs through my caregiving is love. It may sound cliché, but as I said to my friend this morning, in the worst hellish times of 2019/20 when I didn’t think I could do more, it’s not grit, resilience, or (physical and mental) strength that got me through it all—(although they are supremely important)—it was and is love. L-O-V-E for them AND myself.
I now realise and understand why I have such a hard time grieving, too. The love is so strong that it perseveres in the form of waves of grief.
So, here’s a little more George and Mary J Blige, Loving you guys, always!
Off to have some fun in the sun!
xoxo
Victoria
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This landed in my inbox at the perfect time. Right in the moment I needed it. I’m a caregiver for my mother as well. I also left behind the corporate world. I love my mother with all my heart. But I also feel all the very real complex feelings of all caregivers. … every word here is a reminder to lean into the love. Accept and embrace where I am in this moment, and have those eyes wide open for life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I loved reading a little bit more of your personal experience and the sense of joy in it! It's not all painful and hard and terrible. Finding moments of joy in the in-between is such an important lesson in and of itself. <3