'Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’
Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.
Hello, Dear Reader! Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!
I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?
The Happiness Paradox
Research conducted by Dr Iris Mauss, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, found that people who were very intent on being happy paradoxically had lower levels of well-being, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and overall, lesser happiness.
Shankar Vedantam's Hidden Brain interview with Dr Iris Mauss:
We imagine how it would feel if we got into a great school or found a great job or fell in love with a perfect person who loved us back. Sometimes, when those dreams don't work out, we are heartbroken. But even when they do work out, we often feel let down and cheated.
We achieve this difficult thing, obtain this amazing relationship, and accomplish our dreams. So, why aren’t we happier?
There are several reasons why pursuing happiness can backfire.
When we set a bar for our happiness, even good experiences can fall short of these standards, leading to disappointment and a big anticlimax.
Have you felt wretched when things aren't turning out how you hoped? Or wonder why you're not happier after bagging a bonus you've worked so hard to get?
Have you ever orchestrated a perfect moment for a loved one as a milestone or landmark event, only to feel tragically unhappy or frustrated during the whole thing?
In the interview Dr Iris Mauss highlights a study conducted around the New Year's Eve 2000 celebrations. It found that the more enjoyment participants expected, the more disappointed they ended up being.
Perhaps more focus of BEING in the moment is better for us.
The Self-Check Trap
Continuously evaluating our 'state of happiness' can disrupt the actual experience of joy.3
Dr Iris Mauss: Checking how happy we are is bound up with thinking that happiness is an important thing to have.…the moment I checked in on how happy I am, how is this going, that's when I realised actually I'm not quite as happy as I hope to be.
.. the relationship between what's called hedonic experiences and meta-consciousness is an overlay of being self-consciously aware of how we are feeling.
One domain of research where this has been examined is in the research of flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi4. He and colleagues have shown that when people are in a state of flow, they report later on being incredibly happy. It's a state of deep happiness, but what's important is that it's also characterised by being completely unaware of the self. It means that the self almost feels like it's dissolved during these states of flow, and in fact, it's interrupted and destroyed when you check in with yourself and ask, "How am I feeling now?
John Stuart Mill, 5once noticed. "Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so." That's saying exactly what you are suggesting, Iris, which is that the act of turning that spotlight inward and asking, "Am I happy", even when you are happy, it tends to have the effect of diminishing the experience of happiness.
A focus on our personal happiness can disconnect us from our community.6
The pursuit of personal happiness can sometimes come at the expense of connecting with others. This can lead to a sense of disconnect and loneliness. Mauss's research found that collectivist societies placing a high value on happiness are associated with higher levels of well-being.
What we found is that the more socially people interpret the value of happiness, the more that valuing happiness was associated with higher levels of well-being.
“Those only are happy (I thought) who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end.’ - John Stuart Mill
Many try to escape unhappiness. However, feeling distressed about being distressed, adds a meta-layer of suffering on top of the initial angst. Research suggests that trying to suppress or ignore these negative emotions can negatively affect our relationships with others.
Trying to out think our emotions, judging them or trying to avoid them, amplifies them. Emotions are our human radar system deciphering the signals can enable us to choose how we want to respond and move forward.
[The Myth of good and bad emotions is the largest misunderstanding of emotions - that joy and happiness are good emotions and bad emotions are anger anxiety that need to be pushed aside. An interview about Emotional Agility between Dr Susan David and Jen Fisher (Chief Wellbeing Officer) of Deloitte US (October 12, 2022).]
If pursuing happiness undermines our well being how can we be happy?
Here are some of my personal reflections with a focus on Eldercare/caregiving.
1. Defining needs and success, not happiness.
Happiness is not a goal in eldercare. In the early days of caregiving I thought I could ‘optimise’ things, be more ‘efficient’ or ‘productive’, ‘cater to every need’ and ‘be a perfect caregiver’ ‘protect, champion, and pre-empt Dad’s every need’. So he could at least feel better.
For a high achiever, this was my natural expectation, but over time my focus shifted.
I evolved and adapted with the times and context. I bent to our collective needs because I could10. We prioritised what mattered most FOR ALL of us.
I found ways to have me-time, and sustain my own sense of identity. This is essential.
Modern society is geared more towards productivity or economics and less to care (ourselves AND others). It’s an exhausting mathematical standard, to multiply or balance. In our case I realised it put undue pressure on Dad having to ‘perform’, participate and literally smile for the camera to balance our equations.
Dad would put on his good jumper, wanted us to find his camera, and was trying to prime himself for the event. Most of the time he slouched back, surrendering to, and being absorbed by the recliner. He’d nod with fatigue. Then on cue, he’d push up, crank up energy to be alert, plastering a smile on his face. Camera click. Candle blown, shoulders back smile. Click. Dissolve back into the chair.
I don’t watch that video. I have volumes of photos taken as I sat-vigil, bathed in Candy-crush disco light. A small, silent secret moment captured, over and over and over the years. I don’t need them because the thinly veiled scar still itches my tattooed heart.
The photos and video will eventually matter but right now the memory of the simple, small celebration is enough and enough was our success.
Success was to complete Dad’s wish to share the photo via email to family. For himself, all he was really wanting was to snooze a bit, shower and watch NCIS with a bit of supper and a small dram of whiskey to mark the day.
The simple message I wanted to share is to rethink your benchmark of success, slowly discuss and explore your thoughts together. You may be surprised at how simple needs become. Never assume what’s in your head is what’s expected or needed.
Friends, please consider openly discussing/asking how you can fit into the routine/plans of the caregivers and their loved one. The key is to never secretly plan or expect us to fit to your ‘idea’ and then be disappointed when we’re not grateful.
The family and friends who don’t place expectations, demands, or impose their solutions are the diamonds, rare and to be treasured.
I intentionally try to let go of expectations and breath into the present day, mindfulness moments. I try to be open to possibilities without judgment. This includes being okay with unfinished tasks. Can you be ok with something left hanging?
Despite this paradox of happiness, if you can have the courage to stare into the uncertain caregiving days with love, you may just discover, moments of intense joy along the way. An unexpected bittersweet paradox.
2 Reconciling with messy.
I didn’t know it then, but somewhere, I reconciled myself to the messiness because if I could be absolutely mindful, present, and heart wide open, perhaps I could flow curiously rather than struggle against what was happening.
In the darkest, toughest moments when I didn't think I had any more energy or emotional capacity, I experienced acute joy. Not happiness. It's not a pleasant feeling and can hurt badly. Within the pin-sharp pain is meaning, filling me, connecting us-past, present and future. Even in the grief.
This is how
defines the difference between Happiness and Joy at the start of Chapter 2 in her book 'A Lightmakers Manifesto: How to Work for Change without Losing Your Joy'Happiness is a fleeting, pleasurable emotion caused by external circumstances. You’re happy when someone remembers your birthday. Or when the barista puts extra whipped cream on your hot chocolate. Or when it’s payday. Happiness occurs in the moment, as an immediate reaction to an event, and it can fade just as quickly away. Happiness is transient.
Joy, on the other hand, is something more profound and long-lasting. Often, joy finds itself rooted in much deeper things, like meaning and purpose. And joy can, paradoxically, arise directly out of sadness and pain and loss.
This resonates deeply. A definition not about a pleasurable reaction but about how we hold meaning and connection.
No one tells you that it’s the unavoidable, pain-joy, mess that IS life. Instead, we’re told we need to BE HAPPY, (cue songs and clichés).
From Carer Mentor ‘Part 2 Misconceptions of emotions’
Perhaps the question is not why are we not happier, but how can we appreciate the joyful moments to their fullest meaning, when we are afforded the opportunity.
Dr Russ Harris defines happiness as this11:
I would describe it as living a rich full and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions. The things that make life rich full and meaningful don't just give us pleasant feelings.
Being open to everything we’re going through, scary and as unpredictable as it can be. This is how I’ve discovered the most valuable moments during our caregiver journey so far. I may not feel it in the moment, but for me, on reflection I see it now.
A big beautiful exhale of common humanity.
P.S. I realised that for many of us it may be hard to even contemplate being in the present moment. Here’s an additional resource which I hope can help.
Thich Nhat Hanh12 answers questions during a retreat in Plum Village (May, 2014). Question: How do I stay in the present moment when it feels unbearable?
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The Paradoxical Effects of Pursuing Positive Emotion: When and Why Wanting to Feel Happy Backfires, by Brett Q. Ford and Iris B. Mauss, in Positive Emotion: Integrating the Light Sides and Dark Sides, Oxford University Press, 2014.
The Pursuit of Happiness can be Lonely, by Iris B. Mauss et al., Emotion, 2012.
Can Seeking Happiness Make People Unhappy? Paradoxical Effects of Valuing Happiness, Iris B. Mauss et al., Emotion, 2011.
Desperately Seeking Happiness: Valuing Happiness is Associated with Symptoms and Diagnosis of Depression, by Brett Q. Ford et al., Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2014.
The Pursuit and Assessment of Happiness can be Self-Defeating, by Jonathan W. Schooler, Dan Ariely, and George Loewenstein, in The Psychology of Economic Decisions, Oxford University Press, 2003.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (1934 - 2021) Prof. Emeritus Mihaly “Mike” Csikszentmihalyi, a pioneering University of Chicago psychologist known as the “father of flow”.
John Stuart Mill (1806–73) was the most influential English language philosopher of the nineteenth century.
Culture Shapes Whether the Pursuit of Happiness Predicts Higher or Lower Well-Being, by Brett Q. Ford et al., Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2015.
Let It be: Accepting Negative Emotional Experiences Predicts Decreased Negative Affect and Depressive Symptoms, by Amanda J. Shallcross et al., Behaviour Research and Therapy, 2010.
Regulation of Emotions Under Stress, by Amanda J. Shallcross, Allison Troy, and Iris B. Mauss, Emerging Trends in the Social and Behavioral Sciences, 2015.
Spontaneous Suppression in Dating Couples: Social and Physiological Correlates of Suppressing Negative and Positive Emotions During Negative and Positive Conversations, by Felicia K. Zerwas et al., International Journal of Psychophysiology, 2022.
The Psychological Health Benefits of Accepting Negative Emotions and Thoughts: Laboratory, Diary, and Longitudinal Evidence, by Brett Q. Ford et al., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2018.
Please note: Every caregiver’s situation is unique. I caveat my recommendations with ‘not everyone can do this in their circumstances.’
Thich Nhat Hanh Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh is a global spiritual leader, poet and peace activist, revered around the world for his pioneering teachings on mindfulness, global ethics and peace.
Great read. For me happiness is having lower expectations so I don’t need to strive for what other have. Am pretty happy most of the time too 🤩
Love this round-up Victoria - Russ Harris' The Happiness Trap was a super important book for me to get my head around what you so aptly describe!