Part 1: 'Misconceptions of Emotions. The Myths and Biases.'

Decoding Emotions: insights and resources

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Have you ever thought about your relationship with your emotions? Have you categorised or misjudged them? Are you trying to pursue happiness and failing?

First shared on April 24 2024, this article aligns with the current post series about misconceptions and recalibrating our expectations, especially as caregivers.

The series so far

1. Caregiving Misperceptions and Realities. What are our socially conditioned assumptions about caregiving, caregivers and respite? What can we do to support one another in our communities?

2. Disrupting Internalised Misperceptions About Caregiving This Summer. The reframe. Creating space, not frustrations, and thriving in the small moments.

3. 'Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’ Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.

Summary

The Emotional Agility Series of posts I wrote in 2024 highlighted the work of Dr Susan David, Dr Carol Dweck, Dr Brené Brown, Dr Adam Grant and James Rhee.

These experts offer tools to become more emotionally agile. I developed my own ‘in-the-moment process’ and ‘broader strategy’ to translate these tools into my everyday context.

Through discussions with clients and other caregivers, I realised that we judge our emotions. We’re conditioned by society and by each other. We apologise for our pain. We tell ourselves we should feel grateful. Or wish emotions away.

I wanted to know ‘why we do this to ourselves’, so I investigated the science, researchers’ insights, and their implications.

I explored the work of Dr Russ Harris, Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett, Dr Iris Mauss, Dr Thomas D. Gilovich, and Dr Erin Meyer. These experts' published research and insights help us unlearn and relearn what we know about emotions and our relationship with them.

Part 1 The Myth and Biases of Emotions

1. The Myth of Good and Bad Emotions

An interview about Emotional Agility between Dr Susan David and Jen Fisher (Chief Wellbeing Officer) of Deloitte US (October 12, 2022).

'How can understanding your emotions help you overcome adversity? Jen Fisher and I talk about how to face our thoughts and feelings with curiosity, use them as data, connect our emotions back to our values, and move on.'- Susan David.

[These following notes are based on the podcast interview]

[Timestamp 2:17] Emotions get a lot of bad press but they are essential. They are there to help us in 2 ways:

• help us to communicate with other people. To ask for help, support, to let people know what our needs are.

• they help us to communicate with ourselves. We often feel difficult emotions when things bat up against our values, or when we feel dissonance, or not feeling seen. Emotions are aspects of ourselves that we can use to recalibrate and bring whole selves forward effectively.

The Myth of good and bad emotions is the largest misunderstanding of emotions - that joy and happiness are good emotions and bad emotions are anger anxiety that need to be pushed aside.

This misunderstanding comes at a cost. Individuals who believe that emotions are good or bad, they start engaging in hustling with their emotions

'I shouldn't¹ be feeling this bad emotion - I should be grateful for my experience'. Long term 'hustling' is associated with low levels of wellbeing, highly associated with mental distress, and high levels of being stuck. Being stuck hustling with emotions blocks you from seeing that you may need to move towards things more associated with your values.

Considering Emotional Agility in an organisation setting- those wanting e.g. innovation need to see that difficult emotions are part and parcel of being effective. Normalising failure, frustration and anger needs to be part of the creative process.

In a broader context, big changes in society are often catalysed by difficult emotions like injustice. Having the capacity to be courageous to engage with difficult emotions is how powerful change can happen.

2. The label and biases of segmenting-out emotion-led skills as ‘soft-skills’ or gendered as female.

Often, empathy, team-work and interpersonal skills are seen and labelled as ‘soft skills’. Where did this label-bias, and dichotomy of soft and hard skills come from?

1. “Historically, there has been a gendered response and labelling of emotions as 'soft skills'. This is because over hundreds of years, formal education was open only to males where only maths, science and logic was taught. The so called 'softer' subjects were relegated to outside of institutions and workplace organisations, deemed less important. There was a dichotomy - organisations focus on goals, outcomes, science and logic and emotions were sidelined.

2. In the process of psychology Freud's subconscious concepts were thought too difficult to measure In psychology. There was a wave to focus on behaviour. Turning our backs on anything that's difficult to measure. There was a systematisation of psychology towards things which were easy and measureable; behaviours.”

What this means is that 'fairly toxic organisations structures' have become focused only on measures, outputs and goals - the industrial mechanisation of human endeavours, that is bound up to the whole of the industrial revolution.

This has led to a segmenting-out of the beautiful messiness of humanity from organisations. The gorgeousness of two people coming to the table in a messy, tough conversation an being able to get something out of it and move forward was removed.

And so now for us and organisations and systems we need to become more resilient and capacious. We need to make way for these difficult emotions and understand the real importance of them in the workplace and beyond.

Future and value: when we look at our future these aspects of humanity are what differentiate us from what can be automated, they are our currency, of the future.

[Timestamp 11.01] Inner chatter is normal. Difficult emotions are normal. These emotions evolved to help us thrive and live in the world. Existence of these difficult thoughts, emotions, our stories- they’re all normal. We are constantly needing to make sense of the world through our energy, emotions.

We each have around sixteen thousand thoughts in a day! They are normal by definition. When emotions take over and we let them own us. We get hooked by the stories in our head, and this is when they cause trouble.

Emotions are data not directives. We as human beings, we call the shots, and can make value-driven choices.

From the time-stamp 14.36 Dr. Susan David discusses 'What is emotional agility?' with a focus on its use in the workplace

Short answer - capacity to be healthy with ourselves, our thoughts, emotions and the stories we have about ourselves.

Longer answer: Showing up to our emotions with gentle level of acceptance and Self-compassion. Showing up with curiosity and mindfulness so the story doesn't own you.

3. The Goal focused versus Value focused life.

Dr Russ Harris² ³explains the difference between focusing only on goals versus a life based on values.

A goal-oriented life versus values focused life.

Are you appreciating the journey as you head towards your goal?

Are you having a journey of frustration?

Are you appreciating the changes in the world around you?

Are you enjoying the ride, the journey along the way? Or are you impatient for the destination, the final goal?

The important distinction between a values focused life and goals focused life:

• In the values focused life we have the fulfilment and satisfaction of living our values every step of the way towards our goals,

• the satisfaction of achieving our goals,

• AND the fulfilment that comes of living our values even when we don't achieve our goals.

An interim reflection

The work of Dr Russ Harris fits neatly with that of Dr Susan David. The Values focused life ties with ‘Walking your Why’.

Let’s stop labelling skills ‘soft or hard’. It’s a disservice to essential talents. As automation and AI is on the rise we need to tap into our messy, interpersonal, self-compassionate humanity that’s not traditionally valued in society. This is where we can spark creativity and innovation.

Decoding our emotions for more effective communication with each other, and with ourselves is essential to living a healthy life individually AND as a caring community.

Part 2 'Misconceptions of Emotions: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox

'Wholehearted living: Avoid Toxic Positivity and Rethink our beliefs around Emotions.'

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I’ve prepared simple PDF Downloadables to print and use as Checklists. Each contains a list of items and why each item’s been included. Prime yourself for 6-8 hour Emergency Room stays, and put together key information for medical staff.

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Thank you for your ongoing support.

1. Don’t forget to categorise any ‘should’ as a swear word!

2. Dr Russ Harris, M.B.B.S., is a physician and psychotherapist, working in private practice in Melbourne, Australia. He graduated in medicine from the University of Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England, in 1989, and emigrated to Australia in 1991.  As a GP, he became increasingly interested in the psychological aspects of health and wellbeing, and increasingly disenchanted with writing prescriptions. Ultimately this interest led to a career change – from medical practitioner to therapist.

Since 2005, Russ has run over 800 two-day workshops and provided ACT training for over 80,000 health professionals. He has authored four ACT textbooks. The Happiness Trap, has sold over one million copies worldwide, with translations into over 30 languages. (To download the opening chapter, click here.)

In 2015 Russ created an ACT protocol for the World Health Organisation, for use in refugee camps. The WHO have now published 3 RCTs based on this protocol, showing that it not only significantly reduces depression and PTSD but also prevents the onset of mental health disorders in those at high risk. Russ also wrote and designed a cartoon-based book for the WHO (based on ACT) called ‘Doing What Matters In Times of Stress’; on the WHO website, this is now their most commonly downloaded mental health resource.

3. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Website