Dear Readers, Welcome!
A big hug, I see you. Life has grown around my grief, but in the calm, less stressful periods of life, there are sudden waves that consume me.
Grief was relegated and boxed when I moved from one rollercoaster to another. So now, it tends to erupt and break free.
What happens when grief for one person is smothered by the need to care for another? Containing grief through surgery, healing, chemo-, radiotherapy and administering probate. It’s like an intermittent howl, muted. You know it’s lurking, powerless, unsure when it jumps you.
And yet, in the most unlikely place - ‘Wandavision’ the Marvel TV series, something clicked and resonated.
This anthology is one of many I’m producing to leverage our community’s diverse experience. This way, we can support each other and new readers with Empathy and Inspiration.
I’m not a ‘Grief’ or bereavement expert, so I seek out the expertise of others to hear from those trained to counsel, support and offer resources about grief.
Many writers/authors/creators on this platform, Substack, share their bereavement and grief experiences. Although it may not be the primary focus of their publication, they share their personal story and insights.
[Please let me know if you see any mistakes via DM or vlchin@carermentor.com Thanks!]
I hope these real-life experiences that resonated with pieces of my journey will resonate with you.
I hope readers will explore the directory of publications for other articles.
If you have a personal recommendation for a resource, book, organisation or article, please share the URL in the comments.
This page will evolve on the Carer Mentor website. Please bookmark this page for future reference and share it to help others.
Thank you for being here, reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and being part of this community network.
If you found something that resonated, helpful information, or a new connection and would like to show your support, please consider becoming a subscriber for £6 a month or £50 a year.
Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources
Your support is greatly appreciated and helps validate my time and effort.
Thank you!
Articles by Victoria at Carer Mentor
‘Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy five-stage path.’ Shankar Vedantam's interview of Lucy Hone offers us a broader context to her resilience research work and how she leverage her own work to navigate the grief of losing her daughter. Lucy Hone’s book is Resilient Grieving. This is NOT about ‘toxic-positivity’ grit or pushing through feelings. It’s about having practical, realistic actions as enablers.
I exhaled deeply when I found Megan Devine’s work. I share her ‘Refuge in Grief’ Website & Book in this article. Resource: Megan Devine's 'How do you help a grieving friend?' Megan Devine’s book is ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK.’ Something we ALL need to hear!
Personal Reflection & Resources: life grows around grief.
Personal Reflection: Grief is love persevering
Directory of the Authors | Writers | Publications included.
Recent additions are highlighted in bold, italic
Kristina Adams Waldorf, MD at After He Said Cancer.
Madeleine Alice writes Evergrief
Alexis Alicea at who writes the Grief Pen
Anne at The Future Widow
Sarah Bain at A Container for my Thoughts
Dina Bell-Laroche at The Grieving Place. Stories of Love and Loss
Amy Brown at Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny
Leann Burch at Leann Burch Writing
Nick Clanton at Your Magnetic Heart
Sarah Coomber at Sandwich Season.
Jackie Daly at Creative Seasoning
Jody Day at Gateway Elderwomen.
Janine De Tillio Cammarata at The Pause Place
Anna De La Cruz at GenXandwich
Beverley Dickson at Beverley Dickson Cinquain poems
Anna Du Pen at Betwixt & Between Proxy.
Sue Fagalde Lick at Can I Do It Alone
Jenna Folarin at The Motherhood Connection
Hannah Franco-Isaacs at Letters from the Sandwich Generation
Mariah Friend at Heartbeats
Dana Frost at I’m Fine (& Other Lies)
Susan Fusco-Fazio at Blue Sunflower
Amy Gabrielle at Amy Gabrielle’s Substack
Laurita Gorman | MSW SEP at Wildly Unraveled.
Ramona Grigg at Constant Commoner
Amber Groomes,Ph.D. at Dr. Amber_Writes.
Nici Harrison at Grief Balm a duet of wonder and grief
Tina Hedin at Letters from Turkey Town
Amanda B. Hinton at The Editing Spectrum
CJ Infantino at [re]dacted
Pam Johnston at The Middler
Kelly - Mothers Never Give Up at Melodies of Courage
Elizabeth Kopple at Elizabeth Kopple
Danusia Malina-Derben at Parents Who Think.
Sally McQuillen at Life is honestly so beautiful
Jeannie Moloo at A Full Plate with Jeannie Moloo
David Murray at Beyond the Expected
Sasha Neal at Dementia's Daughter
Jessica Nordell at Who We Are To Each Other
Larry Patten at Hospice Matters by Larry Patten
Lily Pond at Lily Pond
Jane Ratcliffe Alua Arthur and at Beyond by Jane Ratcliffe
Mary Roblyn at Wri/ter Interrupted.
Tahia Sherebanou Fakhri at Contemplations
Mel Schlesinger at Loss to Living
Bess Stillman at Everything is an Emergency.
Bonnie Tai. at Let's Just Be
Trevy Thomas at Our Hundred Years
Ruhie Vaidya at From The Heart to Beyond
Christine Vaughan Davies At Journeying Alongside
Neena Verma at Grief Wise with Neena Verma
Madeline Wahl at Millennial Caregivers
Janice Walton at Aging Well Newsletter.
Debbie Weil at [B]OLD Age with Debbie Weil
Anthology Table of Contents
Part 1: What is Grief?
Part 2: The Personal Experiences Navigating bereavement and grief
Grief of a Parent/Parent-figure | Grandparent | Family Member | Chosen Family
Moving from ‘Private grief to Community Healing’ (phrase by
Mariah Friend)
Part 3 Enablers | Tools
Part 1
Grief is a unique experience and journey.
I recommend reading Debbie’s article and the comments. They highlight how no two experiences are the same because no two people or relationships are alike.
I appreciated Debbie’s article because many people expected me to be sobbing in grief, but I was relieved: Dad was finally released from his pain & diseased body. Then, grief was deprioritised by more caregiving and complicated by traumatic memories of falls and hospital discharges.
Please don't say "Sorry for your loss". A complicated relationship with my dad has led to complicated grief. By Debbie Weil
What Grief Wants From You. Step one: stop looking for the finish line by Nick Clanton offers some thoughts that resonated strongly with me.
Because more than declaring what it is you want from your grief, it’s better to wonder what your grief wants from you.
A non-exhaustive list of desires your grief may have for you:
“Your grief wants you to know it’s ok to smile, that you can laugh and grieve at the same time.”
“It wants you to figure out how to give your grief space to breathe so it doesn’t choke you.”
“You’re not failing by feeling.”
“Accept that navigating grief well does not necessarily culminate in happiness.”
Finding a place to grieve
The Pause Place. The Space Between Grief and HOPE By @Janine De Tillio Cammarata
Disenfranchised / Marginalised Grief
EverGrief: A Beginning. The who, what & why behind EverGrief. By Madeleine Alice.
Evergrief explores the many shapes of loss, especially the ones often unseen or unspoken. Written from the lens of navigating chronic illness, this is a place for naming, remembering, and making space for the slow work of disenfranchised grief.
This is Disenfranchised Grief. YouTube video The lost tribe of childless women by
Jody Day at TEDxHull June 2 2017.
Grief Encounters of the Non-Death Kind On the Ambiguous Losses of caregiving By Anna De La Cruz . This article resonated. I shared that ‘Grief, emotional trauma/PTSD rewired my brain. It also burned a brand/tattoo on my heart.’
Opening our hearts and minds to everyone. Grief is an individual experience but for some they are suffocated or marginalised. Feeling suffocated? A social justice approach to grief and loss means we recognize and validate those that are cast aside. By Dina Bell-Laroche:
Suffocated grief is a term that she coined to acknowledge the sorrow that marginalized people may experience. Different than disenfranchised grief (Ken Doka’s beautiful work), where our sorrow isn’t acknowledged or accepted, suffocated grief speaks to the bereaved not being able to express their pain, for fear of being penalised.
Lily Pond eloquently shares her betrayal grief : Grief is Fermentation, and I’m Turning into Kimchi. A look inside the jar where I spent the last few months grieving for ambiguous loss.
the grief of the loss of an intimate partner as betrayal revealed that I had been living in a "reality" that was not real? I had to grief of the loss of my reality and the loss of a future of endless love that I had imagined. Many people have experienced this kind of loss but there isn't enough recognition in our society that we need time and people's support to go through the grieving process.
Do’s and Don’ts of supporting someone who’s grieving
Ultimate Grief Gift Guide. Created FOR Grievers BY Grievers By Dana Frost
How do you buy a gift for someone who just lost the love of their life? Or a parent who lost a child? Or for someone recently diagnosed with cancer?
You shift the focus of the gift.
You don’t send a gift with the intention of eliminating their grief (you can’t). You send it as a way to say, “I acknowledge what you’re going through, this totally sucks, and I’m here.”
Q: What are some last-minute gift ideas for a grieving person (that are meaningful but require very little effort)? ‘Like most, I’m out of time and ideas, but I still want to show up for my grieving friend in a thoughtful way
— Late-to-the-game & desperate’ By Dana Frost. Thank you for this, Dana. I’ve already sent a set of 10 text messages to my friend, for him to use when needed. Much needed and greatly appreciated.Rethinking how we support others through grief. 6 THINGS I wish people didn't do & what we can do instead. By Ruhie Vaidya
5 Statements that are Decidedly Not Helpful. Even though we both wish they were. . .By Anne
How Can I Help? How Can I Hinder? By David Murray This resonates deeply. How often do we set expectations for ourselves or others. I recommend reading more of David’s reflections.
Everyone would like to be able to communicate what appropriate support looks like, but no one, including the grieving individuals, can provide a detailed map or blueprint to follow. Grief can be overwhelming and confusing, and it can change from moment to moment. This is the challenge in understanding grief; even the grieving individual can become a mystery to themselves.
Forewarned is Forearmed What is Wisdom? By David Murray I recommend reading the full article to understand just how obscene the comment was and to read David’s concluding wisdom beyond this quote. Thank you, David.
For a moment, I was able to gain some objectivity and see the ridiculous nature of the statement for what it was as opposed to being drawn into my own desperate misery at the time. More importantly, my friend had given me something to protect myself with. I was forewarned and thus forearmed. It will come as no surprise that I did not see the psychiatrist again. I also learned that I would have to more carefully assess who I let close to me in both my personal and professional life. So maybe I should be thanking the psychiatrist; on second thoughts, maybe not.
7 Ways You Can Help Your Grieving Friend. A Shopping List. By Anne
“The song of the soul that cries can only be heard by one’s soul who has already cried.” I tell my chaplaincy students, this is the crux of why we explore their own pain, so they can more fully sit with others in their pain.
Grief’s hardest moments
As part of the UK National Grief Awareness Week, DementiaWho “has been thinking about how difficult it’s going to be to carry grief across Christmas and New Year celebrations”. In this article, she shares her grief of losing her mum last year and offers her thoughts, insights and resources for us all. Coping with Grief This Christmas - Small Things That Make A Difference. For anyone grieving this Christmas: a few things that might help.
“I’m still figuring out what will help me get through this time. I don’t believe in turning grief into something neat or inspirational. I believe in naming what’s real and sharing it in case any of it aligns with where you are now.” - DementiaWho
Part 2 Navigating Bereavement and Grief
Death Doula & End of Life.
A compassionate discussion about being a Death Doula: ‘Guided By Joy: A Conversation with Alua Arthur’. On being a death doula, empathy v. compassion, toxic self-reliance, boundaries, celebrating celebrations, and so much more! By Jane Ratcliffe and Alua Arthur
The 4 Things You Must Say Before You Die by Thank you Jessica Nordell and Brenda Hartman
Anticipatory Grief/Early Grief. The Long Goodbye.
Your Grief Is Real, Even If They’re Still Here By CJ Infantino
Most people don’t realize they are experiencing grief because their loved one is still alive. They think those crushing moments of sadness from seemingly normal life events and situations mean they’re weak or giving up on their person.
They’re wrong.
It’s your brain preparing for loss, and it has a name: anticipatory grief.
The following quote from CJ’s article offers a sharp focus onto a reality few openly discuss:
“She was dying. She needed money now.
I was surviving. I needed money later.
Her cancer dug a ditch between our now two goals, which were once united.
Anticipatory grief will overwhelm you and your relationships. It will create destructive patterns in your life–when left unchecked. Unacknowledged and ignored.”
It’s important to recognise this dynamic. I’ve seen this with friends, particularly in the US, given the cost of care and college. Everyone worries about future finances for sustaining quality care, and whatever happens ‘later.’
Thankfully, CJ shares some practical tips and thoughts to help guide others through what he navigates, caring for his wife Ariana, who has terminal cancer.
The Grief Before the Grief. Blessing or Burden? Understanding Anticipatory Grief By Christine Vaughan Davies. I appreciate Christine’s ability to articulate experiences and express feelings. I highly recommend reading this. It resonated a lot with me.
Anticipatory Grief is the preparation for a change or a loss that is about to take place. It involves all the thoughts, feelings and experiences one goes through when change is clear and inevitable.
The impact of dementia and long term illness. The grief we feel before they’ve gone. ‘The Long Goodbye. Navigating my parents' dementia, and my brain's attempt to let it consume me.’ By Anna De La Cruz
The paradox of blessing-burden and grief-joy. There are so many quotes I wanted to share from this! ‘Exploring the blessings/burdens of this season. Catastrophising with my cup half full.’ By Sarah Coomber
Widowish Sort of, but not exactly. By Pam Johnston
Mabel, obviously, is a widow. But when she asked me how Mike was doing, and I tried to explain the strange manifestations of Parkinson’s dementia—like the fact that Mike will sometimes talk about me in the third person, as though I’m not right there in the room with him—she nodded sympathetically.
“It’s just so hard to lose someone you’ve loved for so much of your life,” she said.
I nodded, grateful that she understood what I hadn’t said outright. Grateful that she was allowing me into the club of women who have lost their partners, if only for that moment.
Kristina’s vulnerably raw memoir that shares what happens after her husband’s diagnosed with breast cancer. ‘How it Began’ By Kristina Adams Waldorf, MD
The beautiful writing of Bess and Jakes journey. Quote: ‘Every bonus hour has become the golden hour. We haven’t been around as long as Newgrange, but it feels like, just by getting to this solstice, we’re a monument to something. Maybe a monument to how much love can do. We’re beautiful in this light.’ ‘How the light gets in: a solstice at the border of life and death. The fire in each of us, on the shortest day of the year’ By Bess Stillman
Uncertainty is the state of being alive. We were certain that Jake would be dead within a few months. Then, a clinical trial drug gave us the gift of wondering: what if he lives? By Bess Stillman
Navigating grief in life. ‘Intentionally Building Resilience One Day at a Time’ By Anne
Bearing witness to the decline and feeling the crescendo of grief. ‘When Death is Slow to Come.’ Finding Gratitude in the Midst of Pain By Jeff Scott
Widow | Widower | Grief of a Partner
It is Not About Healing From Your Grief By Mel Schlesinger
Mel shares the details of navigating his “journey with grief after the death of my wife and soulmate of 47 years and 9 months”
From the very first week, I have taken a very aggressive approach to dealing with my grief. Five days after she died, I forced myself to go to my first bereavement support group. And I mean that I forced myself because my instinct was to stay home and be sad.
I will not bore you with everything I did, but I want to share one thing: I did a lot of research and reading, and I still read a lot about grief. What I learned is that there is no timeline for the grief journey. No roadmap tells you to do this during week one, then during week two, and then these things in week three. While there is no timeline or roadmap, we can still make choices. I chose to take action despite the overwhelming impulse to do nothing. [Read more about his reflections and explorations here]
Hello, From the Other Side. A (non)advice column from someone who's been there. By Dana Frost
At the time, I thought grief was something you dealt with - for a year, tops - and then it would be better. And all I wanted to do was to get to the other side. The side where the horrors of cancer and widowhood were behind me.
Of course, since that day, I've learned there is no "other side."
There's life. There's death. And there's grief in between.
But there is another side to those early days (months? years?). A side where the grief will get softer. It will become more manageable. You will get stronger (cliche, I know).
Most days, I live on the other side.
There’s no guidebook for the grieving.
In Memory of Jake. A brief update and a broken heart. And then, the writing will continue, as Jake would want it to. By Bess Stillman
A poignant essay. ‘What I Learned in My First Year as a Widow. Gratitude is how you get through grief.’ By Mary Roblyn
My husband died a year ago from Alzheimer’s Disease. Right afterward, I wanted to go with him. Gratitude Graces Loss. Unconscious Intimacy By Anna Du Pen
However long it’s been, you’re not alone in your grief. Have a read of this by Joan. xo The Heaviness of August Grief depression this time of year sucks...but worth a few bad weeks By Joan Stommen
I didn’t write for six months after he passed, then I wrote it all…raw and angry and sad. I shared it here about five months into joining Substack…when I realized there were other widow warriors writing about grief.
Quote: ‘Be that as it may, there remains a constant sadness in me that I don’t think will ever go away. My life is unequivocally changed - and it wasn’t a change I wanted or planned for. I miss him more than I could have imagined.’ ‘Three Years a Widow. It doesn’t Seem Possible.’ By Janice Walton
Quote: As a fellow writer said when writing about her husband’s death, “our love is breathing still.” Even though my husband of 60 years is physically gone, constants remain in life - maybe, our love is breathing still - just differently.’ ‘Walk in the Woods’ By Janice Walton
Referenced by Janice. I Buried Him. Our love is breathing still. By Ramona Grigg
Grief Is A Motherfucker. But sometimes it hurts so good. By Amy Gabrielle
31. One Year A Widow The event, ‘his death’, and the feeling, ‘my relief’, are inextricably intertwined. By Amy Gabrielle
Pink Juice Reflections Taking a little control at life's end. By Trevy Thomas.
When I read Trevy’s reflections, I could feel myself trying to get my heart and head around the pain within these lines. The quote I’d like to share is not from the main text but from the discussion—comments exchange between Trevy and Amy Gabrielle. I hope readers will click through to read the full article and comments exchange—big empathy AND pointing out societal conditioning. (I’m glad Trevy’s found a good one too!)
Oh Trevy, my heart goes out to you. From one widow to another, I get it. It's the "what ifs" and the "should haves" that get to us, even years later. It really is our brains trying to make sense of something awful by drawing unfair conclusions. We cannot go back in time, but oh how I wish we could.
Your Objects Are Emotional Keepsakes. Why do our belongings feel so charged with energy? By Trevy Thomas QUOTE: ‘In grief I learned so well that objects hold energy. It’s a phrase I never really understood before.’
Organisations supporting widows and widowers, and their children.
Jeannie Moloo has shared several recommendations for organisations supporting widows and widowers:
Modern Widows Club: An international community offering in-person and virtual support groups, events, and resources for widows to connect, find hope, and empower themselves.
Soaring Spirits International: Provides peer support and resources through programs like “Camp Widow,” a weekend gathering for widows, and "Widowed Village," an online community where people can connect and share experiences.
Hope for Widows Foundation: A nonprofit organization providing online support, local chapter meet-ups, and an annual financial grant to help widows in need.
Widowers Support Network: A worldwide organization dedicated to healing hearts and saving lives of men who have lost their spouse or life partner.
National Widowers Organization: A nonprofit organization dedicated to providing support, resources, and advocacy for men who have lost their spouse.
Camp Kesem - A wonderful free summer camp program designed specifically for children who have lost a parent to cancer. It’s run through many universities across the country. The camp creates a supportive environment where children can connect with peers facing similar experiences.
National Alliance for Grieving Children - Offers local and online support groups, resources, and webinars focused on helping grieving children and families. Also, provides education for parents and caregivers on how to support grieving children.
The Dougy Center - Provides peers support groups, grief resources, and advice for parents and caregivers.
CancerCare’s Bereavement Program - Offers professional support for families who have lost a parent to cancer. The programs include counseling, support groups, and workshops.
Grief of a Parent/Parent-figure | Grandparent | Family Member | Chosen Family
When I read this article by Jenna I resonated with her words and it took me back to the phrase I’ve adopted, ‘Grief is love persevering.’ We carry it with us, as we move forward and at specific moments, we feel its presence more keenly. The love never leaves us; there’s a paradoxical joy and happiness in that. Thank you for this touchpoint-reminder for me, Jenna. Reflecting on my grief journey 4 years on. Remembering my wonderful Dad by Jenna Folarin
So, this time of year is always tricky for me because on 8th October, it’ll be 4 years since my Dad passed away. He was just 65 and it was unexpected. In fact, he was due to have an operation to make him better the day that he passed away. I’ve noticed that even if I’m not thinking about this date specifically, my body knows it’s coming up. Subconsciously it’s always there in the background, that knowing that he is not here anymore. It’s like this deep ache that is ever-present.
The Pit of Grief by Alexis Alicea who write The Grief Pen. “Writer and grief support bestie 🫶🏼 In honor of my mom Valerie 🪽”
On The First Full Year Without A Loved One Mom died in 2022. Was there joy in 2023? By Millennial Caregivers
Mom wasn’t here.
She wasn’t here in 2023.
She won’t be here in 2024.
And 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, ad infinitum.
Well-meaning people say she is here in spirit. That she’s here within. Which is nice. Very nice, in fact. But being here in spirit is very different from being here in flesh and blood. Sometimes I just want to watch television with Mom, or talk to her about what to have for lunch. I miss the everyday of getting groceries or talking about how pretty and full the moon is outside.
While the new year is exciting and full of potential and joy and newness, it’s also a time of deep, profound grief.
December to January becomes a more complex time of year as we grow older and life events pile up. I have great resonance with Madeline’s words.
What happens when your second parent dies Or: When you become an orphan By Millennial Caregivers (Jauary 20, 2025). My heartfelt condolences and thank you for sharing this, Madeline.
My dad died ten days before Christmas.
The first few days after he passed didn’t feel real. I kept busy, doing work things and getting swept away in holidays. It wasn’t until January when I truly felt lost. It’s hard to lose a parent, and it’s hard to lose a parent when you’re the caregiver. It’s hard to lose the second parent, and it’s even harder to lose the second parent who also needed caregivers (To clarify, it wasn’t expected of me to be a caregiver for my dad. Not at all.)
The truths came hard and fast:
5 More Minutes Or...what would you tell the people you've lost? By Hannah Franco-Isaacs A beautiful conversation. Thanks for sharing, Hannah. I think we’d all need more than 5 minutes.
Note on November 24, 2024, by Sarah Bain to her mother about sorting everything in her mother's home. Thank you for sharing, Sarah
Some of the things I’ve kept from your home, mama. I know you’d be sad no one wanted the china or silver. No one took all the Hummels. No one wanted the antiques or the clocks. We even left behind the new bed. But here is some of what I kept:
When dying happens...Friday, August 2, 2024 By Sarah Bain
When my mom was dying, it was everything I expected, and everything I didn’t. With pancreatic cancer, we’d been told it would change quickly, suddenly, unexpectedly, and so I found myself holding my breath for the seven and a half months it took to course through her body, and still it took me by surprise with its ending.
Emptying by Sasha Neal Thank you for sharing this Sasha.
It’s my sixth visit to my mother’s house since she died, and my last. We step from the pavement into the living room, breathe old woodsmoke and damp stone, dip our heads under the blackened, sloping beams to carry bags upstairs and make our beds, and what surprises me most is not that I can’t summon sadness when I want to, but how much I wish the kids were there.
‘I want to do it intentionally,’ I told my sister on the long drive west and north through Friday night traffic, ‘I don’t want to get into an unthinking rush.’ But there’s just so much to do.
A beautiful poem ‘Death Came’ Tahia Sherebanou Fakhri
5 things I never expected about grief. We all have some idea what grief might look like. Here’s what I didn't see coming. By Ruhie Vaidya
A grief-empathy-exchange between myself and Ruhie Vaidya. Ruhie wrote a note about ‘firsts’ that trigger grief. We shared thoughts on memories, music and how we are gaslit when people say, ‘Time will heal…or your grief will get better with time….’UGHHH. When we connect with others who are grieving, we feel seen and less alone. Thank you, Ruhie.
Navigating feelings after a recent bereavement. ‘Don't let guilt steal your grief.’ By Amy Brown
‘Quote’ ‘There was nothing I could do to stop the vortex of chaos, and nothing for me to hold onto and take refuge. The only thing I was able to do – in Alan Watts’s words – “to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”'Be Present and Dance with Grief. On moving forward when everything falls apart'. By Bonnie Tai
Quote: ‘I had the sense of a circle being brought to completion, of a contract having been honoured.’ A parting gift. Being with my mother at the end. by Jody Day
Reframing our relationship with grief. ‘It is clear to me now that I was fearful of grief because I had no framework to make sense of the experience of death, and I had no models for how to cope effectively with overwhelming emotion’ An Invitation to Grieve Fearlessly. Grief can be frightening, but there is nothing to fear’.By Amber Groomes,Ph.D.
Learning how we can be like a good friend to our grieving selves. Meet Your Grief With Self-Compassion How I've used self-compassion while grieving, and how you can too. By Amber Groomes,Ph.D.
‘A keening ceremony Finding the doorway into a shared experience of grief and love’ by Nici Harrison
‘Somehow the loss keeps happening An exploration of time, felt as a pulse, rather than a period’ By Nici Harrison
Grief of a Child
‘Women are designed to Howl if we're not howling are we even healing?’ By Danusia Malina-Derben
The dark side of grief. ..or how family members get in the way of grief By Sarah Bain. Thank you for this, Sarah:
It wasn’t until more than a year later, sitting in a circle with other women whose babies had died, that I confessed my feelings. I couldn’t look at babies, hold babies, see my friends with babies, or smile at babies. And as I quietly confessed my thoughts, a collective sigh of relief took over.
It turns out I wasn’t alone.
Quote: ‘These days in my mind, grief looks like a circle of people—all different ages and sizes of Amanda—sitting around, each passing a parcel from person to person. It seems now that when grief had brought someone closure, they passed it on to the next Amanda who was ready.’ ‘The Alchemization of Grief A New Orleans cab driver helps me grieve my daughter’ by Amanda B. Hinton
Emotional Memory of Grief. Hurricane Season By Janine De Tillio Cammarata
Caring for Yourself When Your Heart is Breaking. Tips and Stories Along the Grief and Caregiving Journey By Janine De Tillio Cammarata
Quote: “AHHH, I BUILT A HOME FOR MY GRIEF TO LIVE IN. “7 Years of Grief” is the home of my acute ache.’ ‘DOES SADNESS BELONG ON THE PAGE FOREVER?’ By Leann Burch Writing
Quote: ‘We don’t return, we don’t pretend, and we don’t just move on. We cannot return to our previous grief free days because we aren’t the same anymore, how could we be after such loss?’ ‘Give Grief a Seat’. Making space for our pain. By Laurita Gorman | MSW SEP
About the writer…so why did I create a Substack? by David Murray
I've sought answers, support, and understanding. I've worked with charities, spoken to numerous government organisations and officials, and even pursued a Master's degree in Business Psychology, hoping to understand why institutions so often fail those who are grieving.
What I've learned is this: when the unthinkable happens, you're often left to navigate a complex maze of emotions, practical challenges, and societal expectations, with little guidance. That's where "Beyond the Expected" comes in.
I Hugged My Son Goodbye And He Began His First Week Of College. Then I Never Saw Him Again. "In my mind, I’m still planning for parents weekend, Thanksgiving, sending his winter clothes. ... None of this will happen." By Elizabeth Kopple
The World Keeps Spinning by Sally McQuillen. Thank you for sharing Christopher with us, Sally
With Christopher, it’s different. Time doesn’t really mean a thing. When his little sister gets married, (and she will always be his little sister), I have no doubt that he will be a part of all the celebrating in the year ahead. He will definitely be at the parties. He wouldn’t miss a party. And who knows? Maybe he even brought the gift of Paul Caroline’s way in the first place.
Tina Hedin and sharing Kiki’s story with us ‘Start Here. A good thing plus the backstory’
Eric and I entered the world of grief, and discovered that when the worst thing happens, the cruelest part is, it doesn’t kill you. The pain makes you wish you were dead yet you have to go on. And that’s what I’m doing here. Finding a path through the darkness. Learning how to carry grief. Learning how to find joy and hope again.
Channeling Grief after Henry Anniversaries - the other kind By Elizabeth Kopple
A beautiful legacy. ‘Happy Birthday my eternal child. 24th June ... Happy Birthday to a child long gone, a child ever here’. By Neena Verma
Bereaved Parents: Reflections on Laura’s Would be 38th Birthday Written on July 13, 2024 By Susan Fusco-Fazio
A Symphony for One Heart Missing I will keep listening. Keep loving. by Kelly - Mothers never give up. Please read this beautiful article and Kelly’s publication. Here’s a sample of why:
This Orchestra Hall, a sanctuary for Kevin and I, used to be a place for us to spend countless Mother-Son “date nights”. It was where he and I breathed together in rhythm with the orchestra, our hearts beating in harmony with Mahler, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff... Side by side, rain or shine, year after year, those magical nights through every season and circumstance.
He was a child of music - a pianist, violinist and composer. Each note he played, each line he wrote, carried the rhythm of a soul too vast for his years.
Elizabeth Kopple has curated this article of ‘Grieving parents on Substack’:
Grief of Furbabies | Cats | Dogs | Pets
Navigating Grief with Children
‘Helping Children Process Death and Cope with Grief, While you're still trying to figure it out yourself’ by Anna De La Cruz shares her experience and some resources.
Crying While Parenting: A Mindful Approach. How can parents allow themselves to cry without introducing unhealthy levels of stress upon their children? By Amber Groomes,Ph.D.
Grief Empathy is painful
When ‘Til Death Do Us Part Happens’. Another widow finds herself suddenly alone By Sue Fagalde Lick writes a beautifully empathetic piece. Many of us, I’m sure, have felt the resurgence of grief on special occasions, but I think it’s particularly potent when we feel empathy for someone else. Thank you for this, Sue.
‘Moving from Private Grief to Community Healing.’ NOT moving on, but life growing around the grief that is part of us. They are part of us.
When was the last time you cried in public? Moving from private grief to community healing By Mariah Friend
Bloom: A season of grief & gratitude Two poems and the start of something new By Mariah Friend
Unhappy Anniversary? What do you say . . . By Larry Patten. Larry highlights the awkwardness many feel around the anniversary of someone’s death. The English language and traditions deter, rather than accommodate, grieving-in-community. Unlike, for example, the Jewish tradition of ‘Yahrzeit.’ I agree with Larry, saying something in empathy is much better than avoidance.
These next two articles by Jackie resonated because specific music reminds me, moves and shifts the grief within me. This is part of my father’s legacy, gifted to me from a young age.
What a dance weekend taught me about living with grief. Dancing, life chapters, and matryoshka dolls By Jackie Daly
How good times struck me like a tuning fork. "Good times. These are the good times." By Jackie Daly
In an article published by Nici Harrison (November 10, 2024), Veronica Stanwell shared these words of wisdom
As everyone, one by one, placed their items on the grief altar, tears flowed in what felt like one of the most beautiful honourings I have ever experienced. In those tears, I felt the sheer breadth of love the human heart is capable of. I was reminded of Cole Arthur Riley’s quote:
Grief is an honouring.
It really is. An honouring of your love. Of life. Of all that tears us open to the mysteries of this existence.
I appreciate how Nici shares diverse grief practices and perspectives. I highly recommend exploring Nici’s publication Grief Balm.
Part 3 Enablers | Tools
Resources | Organisations
UNITED KINGDOM
Beverley Dickson recommends The Bereavement Journey. Thanks to Beverley commenting on a discussion thread where I’d shared an insight that ‘Grief is fingerprint unique’
What a great personal observation “grief is fingerprint unique”. I can really resonate with this having done The Bereavement Journey twice and having the privilege of hearing so many heartbreaking experiences of grief and the unique impact on each person.
My aha moment has been how much writing poetry has helped me do “good grief work” - a term I heard in The Bereavement Journey.
USA
These were recommended by Alexis Alicea who writes the Grief Pen
Books
A Reading List for Grieving Caregivers. A few books to help you remember that you’re not in this alone. by Pam Johnston Thanks for these new recommendations, Pam!
**I’ve read.
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief By David Kessler (November 5, 2019)
Kokoro: Japanese Wisdom for a Life Well Lived by Beth Kempton
Neena Verma, PhD. Two books: Grief Growth Grace. A Sacred Pilgrimage. and A Mother’s Cry. A Mother’s Celebration
Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel**
Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article & consider subscribing!
Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.
Let’s share and support each other by leveraging our personal experiences.
This page and discussion will remain open indefinitely to help each other.
I hope you’ll subscribe if you haven’t already done so.
Thank you for being here, reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and being part of this community network.
If you found something that resonated, helpful information, or a new connection and would like to show your support, please consider becoming a subscriber for £6 a month or £50 a year.
Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources
Your support is greatly appreciated and helps validate my time and effort.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for putting this together. I’m glad Tina Hedlin restocked it. Please check out my Substack on grief and love as well at:
https://open.substack.com/pub/sallymcquillen
Thank you for the work you are doing~
Speaking openly and grief, death, and dying is essential in a death-denying culture.