Megan Devine 'How to handle the Advice you didn't ask for while grieving'

...and for many situations where unsolicited advice is given.

Hello dear Reader, Thank you for spending some of your precious time here! I appreciate you and everyone in our Carer Mentor community. Welcome to our new subscribers!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

---

Today’s advice is from Megan Devine¹ because the insights in her video struck a chord with several conversations I’ve had over the last few weeks.

Have you been grief-splained? Perhaps you’ve been both care-splained and grief-splained!²

Unsolicited advice, even from someone well-intentioned, can be unhelpful.

Of course, we’re all only human. Human-ing is challenging when we see those we love in pain. We want to help.

Being aware and mindful of our communications with those in grief or any emotional pain is essential to ensure we’re not adding more hurt on top of that pain.

In a world of hyper-speed time, we’ve become conditioned towards productivity, goals, promotion, visibility, and status as societal 'norms'.

Our basic instincts are wired —primed to respond. We are not necessarily listening to understand but waiting for words that give us a platform to launch our response.

When we see emotional pain, we need to retrain ourselves to slow down, create space and listen to understand instead of trying to interrupt with a quip or piece of advice.

Are we trying to validate our presence or gifting our empathy and time? Something to ponder.

Megan’s insights help us be aware of how our communications can impact others and offer us the space to see and hear the bigger picture and context of someone who is grieving.

Her thoughts resonate for any caregiver who, like me, finds themselves always playing the ‘bad cop’ role. Why we don’t do xyz. Why that’s a nice suggestion but..

It would be lovely if I could say, ‘no’ and not have to give a list of reasons, qualifiers and explanations but could confidently outline ‘how we do things’ and simply receive a ‘Sure, no worries, that’s fine.’

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

- Viktor E. Frankl

Summary

While people's intentions might be good, that doesn't mean all advice is good! Everyone's got an opinion... But most people don't check whether or not what they said was what we needed! - Megan Devine

This is an edited version of the video transcript

0.00 Intro

0.23 The problem with good intentions

Just because someone has good intentions doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary or let them know their advice is unhelpful.

We think our job is to make other people feel better so we're doing what we think we're supposed to do.

If somebody tells you that what you're doing isn't helpful the temptation is to get defensive ‘I was only trying to help’.

Well if you were only trying to help and your intentions really are good, then you need to be willing to hear that what you're doing isn't helpful.

You're going to feel uncomfortable you're going to feel in some ways kind of ashamed or embarrassed about what you said but that is okay, that is part of Being Human.

If you really do have good intentions then you need to be willing to be corrected in order to deliver the love that you actually intended. You have to be willing to be a work in progress in order to deliver those good intentions that you actually have.

If you are not willing to hear that what you're doing is not helpful, then you are more interested in being seen as helpful than actually being helpful and there is a difference.

3.59 Criticism

“They wouldn't want you to feel sad or they would want you to remember the good times.’ Telling people that they shouldn't feel how they feel is I think of it like the ghost part of a sentence we don't usually say that out loud but if I say to you ‘hey your dad wouldn't want you to be so sad’ what I'm really saying is so stop feeling how you feel because it's not right, it's not good. You got to quit it stop grieving the way that you're grieving like that is always the message inside unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice is always criticism. Unsolicited advice is always criticism I look at you and I say m you're not doing it right so maybe you should do it this way.

That sounds like a really harsh description of those good intentions but if somebody did not ask for your opinion you giving your opinion about what they should do better or differently is Criticism

For this conversation today we are talking about people who truly do want to show up for you and be supportive they're just not doing it right.

If somebody has said to you “they wouldn't want you to be sad’ what are you going to do with that?

You have a number of options remember that we're going to assume that this is a person who does have good intentions their intention is to be supportive to you so what can you say is, ‘Hey what you just said to me doesn't feel very helpful I know your heart's in the right place, pretty sure my dad would want me to feel however I feel.’ It is okay to tell somebody that their helpful help is not that helpful.

5:06 Rudeness

Current second least favorite piece of unsolicited advice or trying to make you feel better thing that we say to people. ‘You're going to come out of this even stronger and better than before now that you know what's really important in life.’

It's basically cheerleading masquerading as being supportive you are going to be such a strong amazing wonderful person because of this experience. The part of that sentence that isn't usually said out loud is you clearly weren't a strong resilient person before this happened and you needed this intense loss to happen in order to become your best self

That is rude! We don't think about that thing that we say to somebody who's going through a hard time that this experience is going to make you stronger. There's this like pop psychology thing that has been around forever that says the only way you become your true self is through hardship like that is garbage

One of my favourite things about pointing out what we're actually saying in these kinds of statements is how quickly people with good intentions backpedal. ‘That's not what I meant by that' like I obviously thought you were a good person before!’

But it's like once you show somebody what you're actually saying it makes it really hard to keep saying that stuff. Those unspoken parts of the sentence are there and they are felt even if we don't say them out loud.

Most of the things that we say to somebody who is going through a hard time are actually really crappy things to say if you take a moment and think about what that message really is.

7:18 when you diagram the sentence basically you can really hear how rude, dismissive and nonsensical that stuff is. So if you're you're on the receiving end of that and somebody says you're going to become such a better person you're going to be such a gift to the world you're going to be so strong.

You have some options here you can do the quick and easy route that just says I know you think that that's helpful but that says that I needed this terrible thing because I was such a bad person before that I needed this kind of self-improvement.

The shortest thing you can say is I know you think that that sounds helpful but it tells me that I wasn't good enough before this happened

You can say things like you know I know you mean that to be helpful but what I hear when you tell me that this is going to make me a strong person is that you didn't think I was strong enough before this happened IS THAT TRUE

Using ‘Is that true?’ at the end of the feedback

At the end of telling them the advice was unhelpful, invites conversation, a do-over opportunity. Is that true it puts it back on that person with those good intentions to do the work to think about the things that you're doing and if we care about each other can we be willing to hear uncomfortable reflections and do something a little bit more helpful and human.

Can we put that relationship first and do the awkward work of caring for each other in this moment

9.34 Literal advice

‘Maybe you should try this’.. all you're doing is saying this worked for me and I think the entire world is a carbon copy of me.

It erases the fact that people have their own lives their own preferences you are trying to solve your problem for them without finding out if that's even a problem they have

The instinct to make somebody feel better is not bad it's what we do out of that instinct that is less than ideal if you are on the receiving end of.

The just try some more broccoli or whatever that flavor of ‘do this because it worked for me’ if you're the recipient of that, what are you going to do?

Boundaries

Boundaries can be as simple as saying, ‘That's not very helpful but I appreciate you care’. Sometimes you don't have the bandwidth to have a highly skilled in-depth conversation with somebody who has good intentions. Sometimes you just do not you don't have the bandwidth, you don't have the time, it's not the right place.

You just can't be bothered in this moment and that is okay too.

Sometimes the smile and Nod is your best option because that's all you have the energy for.

You can just say,' ‘thanks for the advice maybe I'll try that’, and walk away.

The point here, is that if somebody needs to feel uncomfortable in those awkward conversations it doesn't have to be you and you can also just leave. That's a boundary too putting on your hat and heading towards the door is a boundary

---

For those well intentioned friends offering advice

Creating the space is often the hardest piece. Slowing down to hear, to really listen, before jumping to respond is not our default setting.

I try hard to always lean into empathy first, but I’m only human. I get it wrong too.

It’s especially hard to pause when I see caregivers at the start of their journey. Everyone’s journey is unique, yet many pieces are similar. Seismic emotions are our common denominator and it’s hard to not jump in to try and pre-empt someone going through the hard emotions.

Caregivers are hard-wired over time to pre-empt the needs and wishes of our loved ones. Anticipate risks. Assess the trade-offs of risks versus benefits ahead of time, so that we can have more quality time together.

Offering insights and information when someone is seeking advice, is a safe bet.

‘I take my cue from you’ is a my go-to phrase for both my business mentees and other caregivers.

Leading with empathy opens up the possibility of sharing more.

---

For Caregivers, and a few counter-responses for caresplainers

A caveat for any receiver of advice. Decide how much energy and effort you can afford to invest in the conversation. I have a rigid self-protection boundary because time is my most precious asset as a caregiver.

A reminder. Depending on the person, the existing relationship, your energy and time— you may decide to smile, say thank you and give an excuse to leave. After all, in that moment you’re the one that know’s best.

Being aware and mindful of how we want to respond to communications is equally important.

There have been a few times when the person offering advice is thinking less about being helpful. There is an agenda, and it’s more about themselves. E.g. proving they know more, wanting to be the ‘hero’, cultural hierarchical status.

Here are a few phrases I’ve had to cultivate to set a hard boundary with these caresplainers.

• Thanks, but no, that’s your choice. I respect your decision (or maybe not). Respect ours. NO

• Humans are unique. Tried, tested, and we decided no. Moving on.

• No, thank you. I don’t have the time or energy to share our decision making and reasons with you. Simple, no needs to suffice

  • You may think you’re entitled to an explanation, but you are not.

• We didn’t ask for ideas/solutions/opinions because we don’t want them.

Please note the avoidance of our very english tendency of saying ‘I’m sorry, but…’

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article if you think it’s important for others.

1. Psychotherapist and bestselling author Megan Devine is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on grief, from life-altering losses to the everyday grief that we don’t call grief. She's an international speaker, trainer, and consultant across many industries - wherever grief is found (aka: everywhere).
The best-selling book on grief in over a decade, Megan’s It’s Ok that You’re Not OK, is a global phenomenon that has been translated into more than 25 languages. She's an executive producer and host of the podcast It’s OK that You’re Not OK, and is a featured expert in the PBS documentary, Speaking Grief. Megan's celebrated animations and explainers have garnered over 75 million views and are used in training programs around the world. For her 6 month clinical training intensive and other resources, visit refugeingrief.com/training
Megan is a licensed psychotherapist, and a member of the California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. She’s run a private consulting practice - with a focus on helping healthcare providers and healthcare systems handle all forms of grief - for more than 20 years. Her work has appeared in GQ, Harvard Business Review, Washington Post, New York Times, Stanford University, and on APM’s Marketplace.

2. Caresplaining is the term I use to help others understand that, like Mansplaining, carers do not appreciate being told, advised or explained how to care for their loved one. Unlike mansplaining, everyone may be well-intentioned, but the effect and impact are the same. We still need to qualify/explain/justify why we wouldn’t apply the advice or ‘solution’.

It’s better to presume that the care routine/approach has been carefully evolved, with tiny incremental improvements that could be accommodated, accepted and aligned with the wishes of the person receiving the care.

Caregiving is about safely tending to someone's needs and wishes, constantly balancing risks and benefits, and assessing those needs versus wants. So, an opinion without context, especially with an expectation of praise/hero-ing, will not be lauded as a gift but more as a demerit on the empathy scale.