"How to put the habenula learnings into practice." A Community Ideation
Community Discussion and Collaboration Opportunity.
Hello, Dear Reader! A warm welcome to the new Carer Mentor subscribers! Thank you for taking the time and energy to be here. I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?
In the first article, I introduced you to the habenula, its functions, and the work of Kyra Bobinet: “Meet Your Habenula: Your Motivation ‘Kill Switch’. The Tiny Brain Circuit With a Big Impact.”
The second article shared Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool, and 30 starter ideas I’d created for us to try out: “Working With Your Habenula as a Caregiver”
A reminder
This is Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool ‘ITERATES’, 1
In her book, Bobinet describes how she discovered the ‘MacGyvers’ who
Instead of setting rigid goals, they experiment—asking “Let’s see if this works” rather than treating actions as pass-or-fail tests.
They practise new behaviours, such as learning a skill and observing what happened without harsh judgment.
When something doesn’t work, they iterate: tweaking and adapting their approach in small ways until they find what fits.
Bobinet and her team called this MacGyverism: the Iterative Mindset—people are iterative—continuously improving—in their approach, instead of performative.
Whether you’re a practised ‘MacGyver’ caregiver or a newbie, these prompts can stimulate your ideas about how to approach something differently.
I – Inspiration: Motivational mantras / reframes that protect from failure
T – Time: Frequency, duration, repetition, timing, habit stacking
E – Environment: Making it easier to do the positive thing, harder to do the negative thing
R – Reduce: Difficulty, intensity, complexity, cost, peer pressure, temptation
A – Add: Abundance, ease, variety, social support
T – Togetherness: Do with others, join groups, invite peers
E – Environment: Making it easier to do the positive thing, harder to do the negative thing
S – Swaps: Healthier substitutions, similar sensations/emotions, feasible changes
You can read more details about these in her book: Kyra Bobinet’s book, “Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience that Frees Us from Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change” (Published 19 March 2024)
A Community Brainstorm of Ideas.
I’ve created some prompts inspired by Bobinet’s work to stimulate ideas.
I recommend bookmarking this page so you can easily reference it.
I’m hoping that we can multiply our ideas together, share what works for you and encourage each other to put these thoughts into action
A Community Ideation
I – Inspiration
Motivational mantras or reframes that protect us from failure
Daily “good-enough” mantra
Say or write: “Good-enough care is still loving care.” Repeat it after tricky moments so the brain tags the day as “hard but not a failure.”
Do you have a mantra you use?
Visible reminder of impact
Put one photo, thank-you card, or sentence on the fridge: “I’m here. He’s safer.” Look at it after difficult tasks, or when you see him struggling, so you can counter those thoughts of, “Why can’t I protect him? Why can’t I relieve his pain?” (I was thinking of how I cared for my Father).
What would you write on a Post-it?
Reframe “setback” as “data”, and move away from definitives
When something new in the routine or meal doesn’t work, say: “Okay, that doesn’t work. I’ve just ruled one thing out.” This shifts from “I failed” to “I learned something useful.”
How could you shift from negative to ‘I learnt’?
How could you reframe a definitive ‘I failed’ to something more compassionate - as if you were coaching your best friend through a setback?
I keep this quote by Viktor E. Frankl on my phone. It’s been my ‘North Star‘ mantra since 2015, and continues to remind me that I need to breathe, hold space and reframe what I’m thinking to choose a better, values-aligned response.
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
- Viktor E. Frankl
T – Time
Frequency, duration, repetition, timing, habit stacking
Shrink experiments to 5–10 minutes
Instead of “I have to get Dad walking every afternoon,” try: “Five minutes of gentle movement after his favourite TV show.” Tiny, repeatable wins soothe the “why bother” circuit.
What small wins in caregiving for your loved one OR yourself could work?
Anchor new habits to existing care tasks
After taking medication, take three slow breaths at the window or stretch your shoulders. The brain starts to pair “hard task” with a predictable micro‑reward.
Can you share a micro-reward that’s worked for you?
Name a couple of brief self-care rituals
Knowing you’ve defined something for yourself, even if it’s only for a few minutes a day, helps. Zoning into those minutes, for quality self-care time, will feel worthwhile. For example, applying moisturiser to your face after brushing your teeth or savouring a good cup of your favourite tea
What can you do to break the hard-slog mentality, as part of your usual day?
E – Environment
Making it easier to do the positive thing, harder to do the negative thing
Prepping for ‘tomorrow-wins’
Prepare meds, clothes, or breakfast items the night before. Morning-you gets an easy win instead of starting with chaos.
I set the breakfast table for the next day. What do you do?
Create a calm corner or have a ‘comforter’ for resets
A calm corner: Keep a chair, soft light, blanket, and maybe headphones in one place. When overwhelmed, go there for a few minutes. A predictable, soothing environment dampens threat signals.
A comforter: I have a favourite big mug (thermos mug) that I use like a touchstone comfort as well as the hot tea inside.
Where’s your go-to spot? What’s your comforter? Reinforce the positive comfort being readily available
Make it easier to reach out for comfort and support
Identify the people you can contact when things are tough via different media: text, email, WhatsApp, in person, on forums, etc Different people, different times, different ways of communicating, e.g. Carer forums, texts to friends, email for longer news or requests. Reduce the effort required to connect for support in difficult times. You’re enabling yourself to keep going under pressure together with others.
When you’re feeling isolated in your environment, how do you connect with others?
Make it harder to do the negative thing
In her book, Kyra Bobinet uses the example of trying to break a negative habit of eating too many carbs or cakes. The easiest way to make it harder is to buy fewer of them so they’re not in our line of sight, tempting us. For busy carers, if you’re eating something that’s great, I know how tough it can be to orchestrate the care routine and find time to organise a nutritional meal!
We try to put the things we use close at hand - this is probably why things are on surfaces rather than put away. How do you make your environment amenable to your care routine?
R – Reduce
Difficulty, intensity, complexity, cost, peer pressure, temptation
It’s hard to lower the standard of care.
It’s easy to frustrate ourselves trying to be and do all things. We’re not superheroes. When things are tough, encouraging yourself with a simple ‘you’re awesome, you managed today’ is really important! There is a continuous emotional labour that can wear us down. So it’s important to have self-affirmations and reminders.
Love can set impossible standards of care for us. Remember this when your inner critic is punishing you. It may help to say out loud, “I’m doing my best and what’s humanly possible. I’m NOT going to guilt myself about that.”
How do you reduce the perfectionism pressure?
Simplify the routine to the most important elements
Don’t berate yourself for getting convenience food or a takeaway when you’re exhausted and can’t cook. The same for housework. Forget about dusting rooms you don’t use! Resize your expectations and efforts.
What do you do simplify in your care routine?
Limit exposure to harsh comparisons
If you use social media, unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel you’re “not doing enough.” Keep voices that acknowledge messy, real‑life care. Limit your time with people who ‘don’t get it’ or create issues with their unsolicited advice.
Your time and energy are precious. How do you protect your mental wellbeing, and your loved ones, from drama-philes, unempathetic people and those who feel entitled to patronise or lecture you?
A – Add
Abundance, ease, variety, social support
Add micro‑pleasures into existing tasks
Play a favourite playlist while doing laundry or washing dishes. Pairing effort with small pleasant inputs keeps the brain from coding it as pure strain. Here are a few that may help.
Share what you do to appease the difficult tasks or counter the potential yuck.
Rotate small treats for yourself
Create a “GO TO treat menu”: tea and biscuit, 5 pages of a book, a silly video on YouTube. Choose one after especially draining episodes to mark “I got through that.”
What small reward treats do you do to keep yourself going after a particularly challenging episode or day?
Invite extra support for one recurring stress point
When you know you feel particularly low at a certain time of day or with a certain event, connect with others, e.g. online carer forums, text a friend
Who do you connect to as a recurring connection when things are bad?
T – Togetherness
Do with others, join groups, invite peers
Text one fellow carer honestly as a go-to support
Send: “Today my brain is saying I’m rubbish at this” to someone you trust, who’ll respond with empathy. Being met with “me too” turns private “failure” into a shared human experience.
Who do you contact and when?
Seek out examples of ‘what did they do when…’
Seek insights and learnings from others, to see if there’s an idea that could be adapted to support you/your care routine. More importantly, remind yourself that there are many others in similar situations
How do you discover new ideas, or feel less alone day to day?
Join one low‑pressure peer space
Seek out an online carers’ group, writing circle, or WhatsApp thread where imperfect stories are welcome. A go-to contact that you trust can normalise setbacks and add perspective.
Which forums or online groups have you joined?
E – Expectations
Remove secret deadlines, set flexible expectations, and expect to learn
Trade perfection goals for learning goals
Instead of “I have to get every morning running smoothly,” try: “Over the next month, I’ll learn what makes mornings easier for us.” The “test” becomes learning, not passing or failing.
How do you step down from perfection and do ‘good enough’?
Loosen hidden timelines
Notice thoughts like “I should have this sorted by next week.” Replace with: “I’m aiming to get this sorted. I can’t control everything (other people or my loved ones’ needs), I can do my best!”
Please make ‘should’ a swear word - it sets us up for failure every time. Instead, aim for smaller wins in a shorter timeframe.
Build in permission to change course
Write a simple rule: “If Plan A isn’t helping after two tries, I’m giving myself permission to drop it without calling it a failure.” This prevents the habenula from logging repeated attempts as proof you’re “not good at this.”
How do you ensure you recognise the pivots and adaptations you make during the day? The small wins. When you’re writing in your journal or when you’re washing the dishes?
S – Swaps
Healthier substitutions, similar sensations/emotions, feasible changes
Swap self‑attack for neutral description
Replace “I ruined everything” with “That didn’t work and I feel exhausted.” Same facts, less self‑blame, so the brain doesn’t stamp the whole day as a catastrophe.
How do you make sure you stick to facts and don’t judge yourself?
Swap one draining coping habit for a gentler one
If you usually scroll late into the night, experiment with 10 minutes of scrolling + 10 minutes of something soothing (audio story, breathing, warm shower) before sleep.
What do you do before you sleep to relax your brain?
Swap language from “always/never” to “today/this time.”
Avoid definitive language and mindsets. Focus on the here-and-now state of facts. When we set hard lines, we can put pressure on ourselves and create unrealistic expectations. Instead of ‘we have to’ or ‘it must’, it can be better to use ‘let’s try xyz today’. Building in flexibility can release the pressure on yourself.
How can you evolve away from definitives into evolutions and iterative experiments?
Anecdotes and a new collaboration
In the comments
Share your thoughts and new ideas based on the prompts.
Tell us how you inspire yourself, or what sources of inspiration keep you going.
Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources
Bobinet, Kyra. Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience that Frees Us from Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change (p. 181).