'How to prioritise values to live them'
Part 3: Bringing values to life, through a caregivers lens
Hello, dear One! Thank you for being here and part of the Carer Mentor community. A special welcome to all you lovely new subscribers! Heartswell!
If you’re new to Carer Mentor, you’ll discover a wealth of Empathy in the Resonance Section of Carer Mentor, not just from me but many caregivers. The focus is on us, the caregiver first and the acts of caregiving second—for once!
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I get feisty in The CAPE (Care, be Aware, Prepare, and Engage) to dispel the myth that caregivers are superhuman. I share more of my personal story in the Carer Mentor Journey, e.g. 18 relocations across 10 countries and other adventures. Here’s more on the publication’s mission: ‘ Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?’
A recap of the Values Compass Series so far.
In Part 1: ‘How can articulating core values help us?’ I shared the premise for this series about core values and building your compass.
Articulating your core values can help you better understand what matters most to you. Whether you're untethered, distracted, or in a crisis whirlwind, you can confidently anchor back to your values when faced with tough life questions.
In Part 2, 'How do I articulate my core values?’ I shared a simple process to facilitate your reflections and an exercise to reframe your thinking.
We admire the traits of our role models. Naming these people and describing why we admire them can enable us to articulate what we value. Our choice of role models is indicative of our own value aspirations.
Having a physical expression of your values - words, a painting or something outside your brain/self, gives you something to reference, point to and pressure test.
As our experiences grow, our values may evolve or shift, especially with significant life transitions.
Discomfort or uneasiness at work can often signal dissonance with your values. So, it’s worth taking the time to assess how well your actions align with your values.
Your gut and heart will know before your head that something is wrong. Priming your head by having your values articulated can short-circuit the emotional spin.
I thought I had my values and head-heart-gut completely aligned back in 2015. I did for one set of circumstances, but when Dad had the major hospitalisation, nothing made sense anymore. ('A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture.')
We can’t prevent crises and life events. However, we can empower ourselves to be primed and clear about what matters most.
Clarity also means giving some sort of prioritisation and hierarchy to our values. While I was focused on trying to divide my time at the micro level (flight there, work projects, delegating, doing..) I was blind to the bigger picture—a fundamental shift in my priorities had started in 2015, from company work ambitions to care. Woods and trees and all that!
Here’s a useful video from Mindtools (a great resource for self-development)
This Mindtools article ‘What are your values?’ contains helpful prompts and steps for prioritising your values.
Your personal values are a central part of who you are – and who you want to be.
By becoming more aware of these vital factors in your life, you can use them as a guide to make the best choice in any situation.
Some of life's decisions are really about determining what you value most. When many options seem reasonable, you can rely on your values to point you in the right direction.
Some may find it logical to have separate values for work and personal life. However, you are not two people. You are one whole human. Creating false constructs and narratives only fuels dissonance.
In fact, through these reflections, you may realise that some values you exhibit in your personal life, e.g., community and collaboration, are very important to you, but they may be absent at work. If this is a priority, the question may be, what can you do to experience collaboration and community at work?
It may also be helpful to remind yourself that while all the values are core to you, one facet takes centre stage in certain situations at a particular moment. I call this ‘Susan David’s Diamond metaphor' about values.
I eagerly digested this insight from Susan David’s interview (Mar 26, 2018) with Rich Roll.
Discomfort Is The Price Of Admission To A Meaningful Life (1h 34mins)
Timestamp: 19:49 People say my values conflict [with each other]. What if I value work, my career, and parenting, like being present with my children? One of the things that I talk about is the idea that values are not dichotomous.
Your values are your values. If you imagine a diamond, imagine that some values are front-and-centre at some moments.
It doesn't mean that the other facets of the diamond aren’t there. We are complex in a good way AND capable and whole enough as human beings that we are able to have many values.
Unfortunately, because we are mortal, we can't be in two places at once. Sometimes, we have to make difficult choices, so I explore how we make these difficult choices.
For instance, now you know I'm in LA, and my husband is at home with my two sick children. So you make choices, but these choices, instead of being choices that are laden with conflict and guilt, become choices that have far greater levels of clarity to them.
They are informed and values-led rather than emotions-driven.
Timestamp 21:34. There's this beautiful concept in psychology called social snacking or psychological snacking.
It's this idea that it's not either/or. I can be in LA right now because it's important for me to be doing the things that I'm doing, and that's consistent with other values of mine, which is about getting my message out or connecting with people in particular ways about this.
It doesn't mean I don't care about my children. What it does mean is that I can look at my context and make choices.
For instance, when I talk to them later on tonight, I make sure I’m actually present with them
That's just an example, but these examples apply to our workplace, it applies to our health and our relationships.
We can have multiple values, and they're not necessarily in conflict. Some might be more front and centre at particular times
Susan David
Key points:
Proactively leading with your values instead of being reactive to and driven by your emotions enables us to make informed choices.
Context matters. Instead of trying to be everything in one moment (humanly impossible), we can be mindfully present and plan our time and actions to let one of the diamond's facets shine at a time.
How can I share my values?
The simplest answer is to describe why you chose those values in a discussion with someone you trust. What does each word mean to you?
Don’t try to be perfect in your words. If you’re an artist or creator, paint a picture to express yourself. The emphasis is more on how you feel about your communication than on ensuring their 100% understanding of what you’ve described. You’re refining your values outside of yourself
Words can be easily misinterpreted. Everyone’s definition is slightly different because our life experiences are different. How you translate your values for someone else to understand is situationally dependent.
Imagine a corporate senior management interview versus a coffee catch-up with a friend. Staying true to yourself and ‘arming’ yourself with the right vocabulary and phrases can help ensure you don’t feel that you’re contradicting or deviating from those core values under different circumstances.
So, it’s not just ‘What does the word mean to you?’ but also ‘In what circumstances of your life?’
Can you share a choice or decision that highlights your value in action?
Can you share when you felt conflicted or dissonant because you weren’t living your values? What did you do? Perhaps try using the ‘Diamond metaphor’ to reframe your feelings of conflict.
‘Walking your Why’ is when you know your values and actions are aligned. Can you describe times when you felt your ‘head-heart-gut’ was completely aligned and in sync?
Here’s mine:
Poem: 'Head-Heart-Gut Aligned' End of 2017, a few months after I resigned.
Poem: 'One Carer's Purpose' Last year when I knew I wanted to advocate more strongly for caregivers.
Sharing your definition of your values is important for clarity. The Timeline exercise can help you explore past experiences to do that. It enables you to build the substance and granularity of your personal narrative.
Pinpointing experiences that describe your values in action is the origin story of your values. I’d triple-underscore that phrase if I could. Your values are yours. This is your origin story.
How you share your narrative, define the chapters, and weave the red-thread themes can all indicate the values you prioritise. [Insights: Shankar Vedantam's Hidden Brain podcast: 'Change your story, Change your life'. ]
The most obvious use of this narrative is in an interview. For example, a traditional question would be, ‘Can you walk me through your resumé so we can get to know you, your achievements, and how you like to lead?’
It sounds like a fairly innocuous first question, but it reveals much about a candidate. How would you tell your story?
The less obvious, but I’d argue the more important use is reaffirming your sense of identity to yourself when you feel untethered.
Why are caregivers at risk of losing their sense of identity
Time is finite, and one person’s capabilities and capacity are limited. I’m stating the obvious because the world we live in today seems to believe that caregivers can bend space and time!
Caregivers are not seen as people. They are the assumed interface, buffer, glue, and all-around go-between, filling the inadequacies and gaps in the health system, including learning the system itself. (Note the absence of the word ‘care’).
Being the cement, providing care and curating loving moments is all-consuming.
Every hat is worn by a caregiver except their own.
This is how caregivers can lose their identity
One of the best explanations I’ve seen succinctly describes the different interactions that consume a caregiver's energy.
at Caregiving Reflections provides a US-focused example.Click to read the article: Tell Us About Navigating The 17 Caregiving Systems
‘A personal caregiving experience is exhausting, frustrating, aggravating and stressful.
It's because we navigate, manage and advocate within 17 Caregiving Systems. In many situations, these systems only connect to each other because you make the connection.’
We are more than caregiving.
If we can identify our values, we can try to reclaim small pieces of ourselves again.
One caregiver I know is artistic and loves working with her hands. She’ll do a quick sketch in a journal if she can't do a large painting.
One value common among many carers is their empathy for each other. If you’re in the UK, at any hour of the day, there will be someone on the Carers UK Online Forum. This anonymous forum can offer empathetic connections and community.
It takes time and space to reflect on your values, the ‘bigger picture’, and yourself. It’s impossible to do this if you’re in crisis mode during a hospitalisation.
Dear One,
I advise saving these articles for a time when you have brain space to consider all this. Trust your gut and your heart. I only realised how much my values had shifted when I had time and the headspace to look around the crisis.
When we’ve been on one path for a long time, our Values compass hasn’t had to change much. A sudden jolt will set it spinning. Finding your true north and your bearings takes a little time.
I recently connected with Karen May, and thought that this was a lovely example of how we can explore our feelings and values with self-compassion and kindness. Here is Karen sharing her quest to employ her 'value compass' Grace in uncertainty
Dear Reader, a last word.
The wonderful thing about these exercises is that you do them for your benefit, not for anyone else.
It’s the best self-care you can invest in, and there is no deadline or burden. This is one thing you can control, own and perhaps even enjoy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about doing these exercises and building a Values compass in the comments.
Thank you for being part of this wonderful community. I appreciate you.
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P.S. This week, I want to give a special shout-out to the whole SmallStack team1 for a lively discussion thread. The prompt question ‘Tell us about your publication name’ was a genius way to quickly learn about many other creators/authors and their publications. Have a read through the comments ‘Origin Stories’ discussion. The next SmallTalk is on July 30th (already marked in my diary) ;-).
In June, I recalibrated my own priorities and values. This is why I decided to publish 1 article a week and share caregiving tips on the website. When you're passionate about something, it's easy to get swept up in the energy and excitement ;-) Walking my own talk here. I already feel more zen.
Happy to see Karen highlighted here! Great article, as usual, Victoria.