21 Comments

I look forward to listening to this episode! Sounds like there is a ton of excellent information packed in.

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Mar 13·edited Mar 13Author

Yes, Amber it's packed! When I first heard it a while ago, I hadn't appreciated that Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut work 'The Dual Process of Coping with Bereavement, The Oscillation theory model was written in 1999!

It's why I invested quite a bit of time in making these notes for myself and others. Underscoring the concepts has helped me reinforce my personal agency. To paraphrase Viktor Frankl, this knowledge/awareness helps me Create space to choose my response, which can lead to greater freedom and growth.

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This article came at perfect timing for me, as I'm in the midst of grieving. The transcript is very helpful. I also look forward to read the previous articles you published on this subject. Thank you!

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Heartfelt empathy, Louisa. 'Grief is as unique as our fingerprint', and it's messy. I'm thankful that these articles can be of service to you and anyone else experiencing grief...that's to say everyone, since it's part of our common humanity.

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Lucy Hone's Ted Talk was a revelation for me during my deepest grief. Certainly one effect of having now lost both parents is no longer feeling awkward around other people's grief. I recognize how, in the past, I didn't want to bring up someone's recent loss, worried that I might make them sad by reminding them (as if it weren't already on their mind), or that I'd say the wrong thing. It's been such a different experience to sit or walk with friends going through more recent grief, and simply allowing it to be whatever it is, and noticing the relief everyone feels when that permission is there.

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A beautiful expression of empathy, Rob. So true - creating space is an underrated gift! Lucy Hone's book is good 'Resilient Grieving'.

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Wow, Victoria. This morning, after my beditation, I was lying in bed thinking about writing an article on the complete bullshit that is the "5 stages of grief." And brushing up on my Ambiguous Grief knowledge. I can't even reconstruct how I stumbled across this article, but it is clearly by divine intervention. Thank you for this article. I had forgotten about the science of grief. You have helped me course correct and I am grateful for you, today.

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Apr 21·edited Apr 21Author

Oh thanks so much Anne! This is why I share the resources and intro Experts that I've found to others. Dr Lucy Hone and her book Resilient Grieving are a great support. This podcast and her Tedtalk were a revelation. I'm happy that these can be of service to you and that I could help connect you to them.

An additional thought - there are tons and tons of certified trained experts, research, studies etc (I've explored a lot) while they help me by offering a fresh angle/reframe/perspective there is NO single 'right way' I tend to use them to help articulate what's going on inside head-heart-gut. The 'common humanity' of it all is the most comforting part of connecting here. xo

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It's so right that we all grieve in our own way, the stages are I think a rough guide to what you might expect. The analogy I often use is grief is like the waves on the shore. Sometimes they are gently lapping and other times they knock you off your feet.

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Thanks, Johanna. I appreciate your feedback and comments.

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I've been going through the grieving process for the past three years after losing my husband of 63 years. And I totally agree, it is not a tidy five-stage process. Mostly, I feel an underlying sadness and a sense of something missing all the time. Then, seemingly for no apparent reason, I start tearing up or crying. I can cope, but there is so much loss - of things I knew and held dear. I shall be listening to this episode as well.

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This is what I need today. Thank you.

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Hi Camille, xo. hugs of empathy.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you. The oscillation theory of grief explains so much of what I’ve been struggling with for almost a year, since the death of my husband of 43 years. The five-stage concept is not only limiting; it is bad science. I’m so glad I discovered your Substack. I will be taking a deep dive into it soon.🙏

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Aww. Thank you, Mary. You've made my day. This is why I started this website: to share what I've found through research that's helped me, hoping that it can help others, too. My simple daily measure of success is to help one person daily via the website. I think I knew this could resonate, I'm so pleased it's helping. Lucy Hone's experience is particularly impactful because she's a Resilience Researcher. I felt like I could Reclaim some agency after her TED Talk, whilst I was in the tough caregiving days. This interview gave me actual tools to use. I'd welcome your subscription to Carer Mentor and hope you'll find other resources that will resonate as much as this has.

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You are doing a fantastic job.❤️

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Thank you, Mary. Your appreciation & feedback means a lot.

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The interview raises so many important grief nuggets that it might take me a book to unpack. What I most appreciated was the connections between highlighting Kubler Ross (5 stages). Bonanno's work on Post Traumatic Growth, and the Dual Process Model (loved how she framed it as reaction v response). I'm a certified thanatologist (I know, I know, what the heck is that) which means I geek out on all things related to the study of death and loss. When my younger sister died 23 years ago, our babies were less than 18 months old. That experience changed me forever ... and continues to change me. As Lucy shares, when we do this grief work, it works. And we'll still continue to have STUGs. Curious about what that terms means ...check out my post on the topic. https://dinabelllaroche.substack.com/p/whats-a-stug ... thanks for inspiring me today.

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Thanks for your feedback and comment, Dina. The knowledge, experience and thoughts of readers is exactly what I hoped for when I embarked on this mission to help others. I’ll never be an expert but I want to bring experts together for the benefit of others AND have inspiring exchanges. I love curious & meaningful soundboarding it’s how we learn! I’m in the hospital for appointments so I’ll read your post soon. Thanks!

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Maybe an expert in bringing experts together :)

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Thanks! Yes, Dina ;-)

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