💬 Eldercare/Caring for Parents: Listening and presence versus the 'doing'.
The August Discussion and Ask us Anything
Hello, dear Friends, I’m Victoria. I created Carer Mentor to offer heartfelt empathy for Caregivers. It’s a hub of practical tools, resources, and insights. A community support network for all of us human-ing hard. ❤️
You can read about Why I started Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration here. I recommend using the quick-start navigation guide to explore the website.
The Premise for these monthly discussions: different relational dynamics within caregiving.
At its core, Carer Mentor offers heartfelt empathy for caregivers. On the one hand, our individual circumstances, struggles, cultures, values, and backgrounds make our caregiving experiences unique. On the other hand, we’re united by universal life experiences: birth, death, feelings, and vulnerabilities; our humanity unites us.
Another dimension we don’t often discuss is the relational dynamics of caregiving. I focus on eldercare/caring for my parents, but many friends care for their spouse, child, or sibling. In addition, these days we recognise that caregiving stretches beyond blood ties. Various forms of kinship care, care communities, or caring among chosen family are emerging. While we may share experiences of caregiving as a whole, I’m curious to explore these caregiving relationships and offer caregiver-friends a space to connect.
This is why I started a new collaboration project to facilitate more community connections and discussion. The Carer Mentor Community Network involves 3 monthly discussion groups:
The Eldercare/Caring For Parents Collaboration Team
These are our team members. Each person has a publication in which they share their thoughts on caregiving for an older family member, friend, or parent(s). Click each name to find out more about them.
Important details
Mark your calendars: The “Eldercare/caring for a parent” discussions will be on the second Friday of every month.
The discussion will start on a Friday but won’t close. Join on Friday or over the weekend, or whenever you can. No pressure, we know how precious and unpredictable our time can be.
Explore previous discussions, indexed in the first discussion article
Today’s discussion is co-hosted with Janine De Tillio Cammarata 🖊️
Listening and presence versus the ‘doing’ is our fourth Eldercare/Caring for Parents discussion.
How has listening without an agenda, goal, or need to be right changed your role as a caregiver? What was an A-ha moment or spark that highlighted this change?
Thanks for sharing your experience and reflections with us today, Janine.
Janine: When the World Cup came to the US, Canada, and Mexico, my family and I watched 90% of the games. When I visited my mom, it became a topic of conversation, because soccer is the only sport she loves to watch. I’d call her and tell her what time the games were on.
One day I was at her apartment, and a game was scheduled for that afternoon. My goal was to get there early enough to help her with her daily needs. I brought her favorite roasted red pepper egg bites from Starbucks and refilled her glass with Snapple Peach Iced Tea. As she ate, I did her laundry, cleaned, took out the garbage, etc. Everything that was on my list was done.
Done. I could rush home to watch the game with my husband.
I turned the game on for my mom, and my favorite player was on the pitch. Mom was excited, so I sat and told her more about Lisandro Martinez. We continued to watch, talk, and occasionally complain about the refs’ calls.
As I got ready to leave, my mom thanked me for staying. She had fun watching the game with me.
Her words and body language made me pause. What I heard her say was that she was lonely and having someone there being fully present brightened her day. She sat up straighter in her chair, was engaged, and mentally clear.
My mom needed company and connection just as much as she needed someone to help her around the house–probably more.
That doesn’t mean that every time I’m there we aren’t connecting. We can have a blast when she’s feeling OK.
But normally I’m trying to fit my mom in like she’s a check on my To Do List. I always say that my mom’s stubbornness makes it harder on her children. Not agreeing to have outside help for more than 2 hours a week only makes it more difficult to spend that quality time with her.
I always heard what I wanted to hear. I labeled my mom as stubborn because her wishes didn’t fit into my busy life. I admit that the physical and emotional demands cause resentment.
In addition to listening to my mom, I have come to understand through hard lessons that I also have to listen to myself. This doesn’t mean being right. This means knowing that in addition to caring for my mom unconditionally, with a full heart and open ears, I need to have boundaries.
My mom chooses to live on her own in an apartment and not with her children or in an assisted living facility. My siblings and I have worked very hard to honor her request, so I guess I have listened to her on her deepest level.
However, that choice and the choices she has made in response to her ailing health have often put me in difficult situations that impact my health, work, and family.
When I was forced to listen to my body because it broke down, I set up guidelines for caring for my mom. This isn’t something I share with her, but it’s what supports me lovingly so that I can take care of her.
A simple boundary is scheduling her doctor appointments around my schedule so that I have time to write, exercise, and be present with my family. I was always rushing to get to my mom and then my entire day would be over and I was depleted. Now on the days that I’m with my mom, my mornings are spent how I need. It’s not selfish having those boundaries. It’s Self-Full! By living my life in a way that honors my needs, I am happier and better able to care for my mom.
Listening with an open heart and mind has improved my relationship with my mom and her care. It’s also saved my health and made my life more balanced and lighter.
Brené Brown says, “I’d rather get it right, than be right.”
When I paid attention to my mom and listened with a full heart, I saw a woman who raised four children, took care of her mother and sister who had Down Syndrome, kept her home clean, and fed us, while my dad worked long hours to make ends meet.
My mom became a nurse at 40 years old and worked for years in a nursing home. She knows what can happen at the end of someone’s life.
She wishes to stay in her apartment.
She wants to do as much as she can on her own.
To live life on her terms.
To spend time with her children, not as an item to get done, but as a human being.
There are many times when my mom refuses to go out or have company. Some days my visits are quick or to check on her if she’s struggling cognitively.
Other times we’ll spend a day together going to an appointment and shopping in a bookstore and leaving with full bags.
In those moments when I truly listen to my mom and not have a checklist buzzing in my ear, I see the vibrant, intelligent, and loyal woman she still is.
Victoria: After 11 years of caregiving, I’m still learning that presence is not just about being present and listening to my Mum; it’s also about listening to myself and my own needs. Thanks for sharing and this reminder, Janine!
There’s always a tension of needs, a never-ending list of ‘To—Dos’—theirs and ours, and all those other things: the house, work and kids depending on your circumstances. Plus, of course, the unpredictability of illness.
So, there are moments that prod us, like Janine’s football match. Only you’ll know how best to spend your time amid the tension of multiple needs. We all know many things compete for our time. No judgements here! We get it! We know, all too well, the tension between ‘doing’ and being present.
Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that
Human-ing is not about …Human-doing
It’s about us … ‘Human being’
by Victoria
For our discussion
Briefly introduce yourself: where you live, who you care for and how long you’ve been caring.
Ask us anything, share your thoughts on our reflections or answer this prompt:
Today’s prompt for discussion:
How has listening without an agenda, goal, or need to be right changed your role as a caregiver? What was an A-ha or spark that highlighted this change?
Reply to other comments or questions, share empathy and strengthen your connection with others who ‘get it’.
Let’s remember that what works for one person may not work for someone else. Let’s lead with empathy.
Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to signpost this discussion for others to join
Dear Friends, when you are raising a specific point or challenge, please feel free to share a note, or an article you've published, or a resource you've found - something that may more fully expand on your point or offer support to someone else. Please describe why you're sharing it and the URL.
This is your opportunity to share with other caregivers who have experience caring for their parents or older friends or relatives. You're not alone, we get it!
I love this story! The World Cup (or any sports) was such a fun time with my mom too!! She remembers sports so when we watch it together, she gets so into it. It also took me years but I was able to slowly get help on house things so whenever I’m over I’m not doing everything. We still have a few things we have to do like take out the trash bins out to the street (since I’m there the day before trash day!) and making sure I make her meals. But other things, I’ve learned to delegate better and also I only take care of one financial / tech thing a week for them. It’s not good to take on everything every visit, limiting it helps a lot to show up for my mom as her daughter.
I also love it when she smiles and bows to me & says, “when are you coming back next? Thank you for spending the day with me” …. Before she’d feel bad bc I’d be doing 10 different things and I’d leave so tired. Thanks for this story, I think it’s so important to remind others to be able to listen & stay present and work ways to find child & parent time 💜