💬 Caregiving as a Spouse/Partner: "Recalibrations in the partnership."

Carer Mentor Community Network - A monthly discussion series

Hello! If you’re new to Carer Mentor, welcome! Thank you for being here! You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

The Carer Mentor website is a hub of tools, resources & insights, as well as a community support network. A portal of hope ❤️ Start exploring here.

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The Premise for these monthly discussions: different relational dynamics within caregiving.

Carer Mentor offers heartfelt empathy for caregivers. On the one hand, our individual circumstances, struggles, cultures, values, and backgrounds make our experiences unique. On the other hand, we’re united by universal life experiences: birth, death, feelings, and vulnerabilities; our humanity.

Another dimension we don’t often discuss is the relational dynamics of caregiving. I focus on eldercare/caring for my parents, but many friends care for their spouse/partner, child, or sibling. In addition, these days we recognise that caregiving stretches beyond blood ties. Various forms of kinship care, care communities, or caring among chosen family are emerging. While we may share experiences of caregiving as a whole, I’m curious to explore these caregiving relationships and offer caregiver-friends a space to connect.

This is why I started this new collaboration project to facilitate more community connections and discussion: Carer Mentor Community Network. The project involves monthly discussion groups.

• The latest “Caregiving As A Parent” monthly discussion (the first Friday of every month) was hosted by Sara Clime on June 5th “The System I Forgot To Build.”

• The June 12th “Eldercare /Caregiving for parents” discussion focused on “Child-to Parent Dynamics”

Our collaboration team members

I’m pleased to introduce you to our 12 team members. Each person has a publication in which they share their thoughts on caregiving for an older family member, friend, or parent(s). Click each name to find out more about them.

1. Anne

2. Anna Du Pen

3. Alzheimer's Witness Cindy Roman

4. Caregivers Count with Kaeli

5. Liza Wyles

6. Marcilina Martel

7. The Together Hub Marina Ortiz Caiuby

8. Pam Johnston

9. Searching for the Words Patricia Paddey

10. Dr Rachel Molloy

11. Alice Henry

Important details

• Mark your calendars: Caregiving as a Spouse/Partner discussions will be on the THIRD Friday of every month.

• The discussion will start on a Friday, but won’t close. Join on Friday or over the weekend, or whenever you can. No pressure, we know how precious and unpredictable our time can be.

Today’s Discussion:

“Recalibrations in the partnership: the habitual roles, routine, and so much more.”

The Premise: I’m guessing there’s a certain rhythm, habits of your daily life together, that’s changed since your partner/spouse became ill. Has this been an evolution or an abrupt change? This recalibration can go much deeper than the practicalities.

I can’t speak directly to your experience as a spouse/partner, but I’d like to share why this discussion and the creation of this space are particularly important to me.

The house admin and practical tasks: I remember my mother having to take over the tax return, trying to figure out where to get the information and how to file it. My Dad was very organised and had told us repeatedly about ‘what to do when’, but still… she had to decipher many things, all at once, while caring for my Dad when things were destabilised in 2015.

The broader context and recalibration of 2015

My Dad had his first heart attack when I was around 16 and a quintuple heart bypass soon after. Then there were operations to replace his arthritic knees, a hip, infections, straightening toes and fingers (don’t ask; it was gruesome), and numerous other hospital stays and medical interventions that dotted most of my adult life.

Dad soldiered through everything. Working as a consultant geriatrician until he decided he couldn’t. When he retired, my mother did too, so they could enjoy travelling together. He adapted his golf clubs so he could still ‘go out with the boys.’ He took pride in his innovative solution, and we joked about him registering a patent! He managed all his medications and pill boxes. He learnt new languages, practised writing Chinese characters, and meticulously accounted for all their finances. The major hospitalisation in 2015 disrupted all of that.

I hadn’t fully appreciated all the caregiving my mother had done for my father through each operation, recovery and consultation until I took medical leave from my job in 2015 to help her care for him. When he was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2016 and required a bladder resection, I had my own crash course.

The irony through all this was that he’d cared for many elderly patients over the years. He’d even established a day hospital for patients so that their families could have some respite. It’s a car park now.

The 2015 hospitalisation was an abrupt shock to my father’s health, his spirit and the daily life of my parents. Dad’s health conditions- his heart failure, rheumatoid arthritis flare-ups, unsteady mobility, and disabilities made everything precarious. The dementia made everything worse.

It was a relief to be able to take medical leave and be with them. I arranged some paid support, but it was clear that our needs exceeded the amount and type of care that was available. Dad never liked having other people in the house. The proud man didn’t want help, but he begrudgingly agreed to someone helping Mum with housework. We knew, he knew that they were really there for him…but it worked… for a while at least.

It was hard for me to return to work when the maximum 1-year of leave was up. For six months, I chewed over career expectations and flip-flopped in decisions, torn as I watched my parents struggle whilst I interviewed for new roles. I could see how much my mother was having to manage as the rollercoaster of medical events continued.

Eventually, head-heart-gut aligned, I chose to resign from my job. Sure, I wanted to be there for my father, but a large part of my choice was for my mother. The plateaus of calm were shorter, and the hypervigilance was increasing. Soon after I resigned, the recurrence of Dad’s cancer symptoms underscored my decision.

Daily life changes with illness. There are adaptations and recalibrations that only the spouse and partner can speak to as relationship dynamics shift with the giving and receiving of care. I saw a cocktail of mixed emotions, further discombobulated by Dad’s Dementia.

But we had to focus on the here and now, the situational needs and issues.

I hope this discussion and Carer Mentor can offer you and others a dedicated space to exchange your thoughts about Caregiving as a spouse/partner. Somewhere you can air your thoughts with others who ‘get it’.

Postscript: Sunday, June 21st, is Father’s Day in the UK.

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For our discussion

Caregiving as a spouse/partner isn’t just about the health issues/condition; it can involve recalibrating the habitual roles in your relationship and the responsibilities of the daily routine. It can involve recalibrating the partnership now that caregiving’s increased.

1. Briefly introduce yourself: where you live, who you care for and how long you’ve been caring.

2. Share your thoughts on my reflections or answer this prompt:

Can you share a ‘recalibration’?

3. Please share and reply to other comments.

Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to this discussion