💬 Eldercare/Caring for Parents: "Ask Us Anything"
Exchanging reflections; strengthening our community network.
Hello, dear Friends, I’m Victoria. I created Carer Mentor to offer heartfelt empathy for Caregivers. It’s a hub of practical tools, resources, and insights. A community support network for all of us human-ing hard. ❤️
You can read about why I started Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration here. I recommend using the quick-start navigation guide to explore the website.
The Premise: different relational dynamics within caregiving.
At its core, Carer Mentor offers heartfelt empathy for caregivers. The anthologies curated to amplify individual experiences help us recognise the very human paradox of caregiving: the individuality of our personal situation and, at the same time, our universal common humanity.
On the one hand, our individual circumstances, struggles, cultures, values, and backgrounds make our experiences unique. On the other hand, we’re united by universal life experiences: birth, death, feelings, and vulnerabilities; our humanity.
Another dimension we don’t often discuss is the relational dynamics of caregiving. I focus on eldercare/caring for my parents, but many friends care for their spouse, child, or sibling. In addition, these days we recognise that caregiving stretches beyond blood ties. Various forms of kinship care, care communities, or caring amongst chosen family are being formed. While we may share experiences of caregiving as a whole, I’m curious to explore these caregiving relationships and offer caregiver-friends a space to connect.
This is why I started a new collaboration project to facilitate more community connections and discussion: Carer Mentor Community Network. The project involves monthly discussion groups.
The first discussion group, “Caregivers who are parents”, was on April 3rd. A team of 12 caregivers shared reflections and were ready to answer any questions. These discussions continue on the first Friday of each month and are hosted by a different team member. The latest: Holding Both: When More Than One Truth Lives in the Same Body (May), was hosted by Maria Messer
This article starts the second discussion group in the initiative: Eldercare/Caring for parents.
The Eldercare/Caring For Parents Collaboration Team
I’m pleased to introduce you to our 14 team members. Each person has a publication in which they share their thoughts on caregiving for an older family member, friend, or parent(s). Click each name to find out more about them.
Important details
Mark your calendars: The “Eldercare/caring for a parent” discussions will be on the second Friday of every month.
The discussion will start on a Friday, but won’t close. Join on Friday or over the weekend, or whenever you can. No pressure, we know how precious and unpredictable our time can be.
Today’s discussion
Briefly introduce yourself: where you live, who you care for and how long you’ve been caring.
Ask us anything or share your thoughts on my reflections below.
Meet other caregivers by replying to other comments or questions.
Let’s remember that what works for one person may not work for someone else. Let’s lead with empathy.
Caring About A Carer’s Recalibrations
Dear Friends, this weekend’s discussion falls on the sixth anniversary of Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and on the sixth birthday of my father, without him.
I launched the first version of this website on my Dad’s birthday because, as a doctor and geriatrician, he had cared for many patients over the years, and it seemed a fitting memorial to his work and our caregiving. I wanted to help others who were on their own rollercoaster, especially those caring for their parents.
At the heart of my mission was a drive to create a dynamic space for carers, not just to offer resources and useful information, but to connect carers with each other and share their experiences. Hence, the anthologies and other collaborations, like the Dementia collaborations.
Sharing ‘how-to ideas’ and thoughts about caregiving with other caregivers is a great way to provide practical support, but often, the focus is on the caregiving first and the caregiver second.
In this discussion, let’s place more attention on ourselves, the carer first!
It’s good to have a space to share our perspectives with people who are caring for their parents/eldercarers - in whatever form that takes. Whether at a distance, coordinating assisted living care, or hands-on in their home, it’s all caregiving in my view.
It’s not selfish or less important to focus on ourselves. We’re a whole person, tango-ing or tangling in this caregiving-and-receiving relational dynamic. Let’s tell others what may not have been told to us before. Yes to talking about real self-care, but there’s so much more than that, too.
We’re the ones creating the stability and predictability, yet beholden to their symptom changes, and the ‘beyond our control’ things, aka most things. Agile pivots require energy. Anticipating needs requires a special kind of vigilance. We’re the buffer, the facilitator, and the interface that calibrates the outside world to our parents' needs and care.
But we’re only human.
When we’re caring for another grown adult(s), simple things can get complicated quickly.
Years of parent-child relationship dynamics have to recalibrate under pressure. Their lifetime of how they like things, how they do things and knowledge is being asked to change, sometimes overnight. Personalities morph due to a health condition or shrink in the face of debilitating symptoms.
Our personal definition and understanding of our parents change over time, or perhaps caregiving brings dynamics into a sharper focus.
New dynamics emerge, whether we - or they- like it or not. And it’s not just with our parents but with everyone involved or on the periphery of the situation.
Responsibilities may be handed over to us, but not easily.
Agility is not just about how we respond to care needs and events. How do we care for those who cared for us?
Your story, your experience, and your voice can help someone else, and we’re here to listen and share with empathy.
Prompt for discussion
Since you started caregiving, big or small, can you share a moment of recalibration that changed how you think about something or how you do things, and why?
We each have our unique care situations. There’s no right or wrong. There aren’t any cookie-cutter solutions, panaceas, or quick-fix ideas. It’s the small moments that can illustrate the biggest learnings.
Please like ‘❤️’ the article and share this discussion to guide others here.
There were countless recalibrations I went through when we were caring for my Dad, probably because once recalibrated, things would shift again.
Our rollercoaster was twisty and fraught. So one of my first personal recalibrations was to try to adjust expectations of myself and my ability to control or predict outcomes.
Less on if I do xyz then abc....and more focus on here and now actions. Less about trying to hold tightly and trying to control, more about agility and responsiveness.
My mom has a lot of cherished stuff. A lot. One day I glimpsed the future and realized it was going to be my job to take care of it all. This is not a decluttering project. This is an emotionally-fraught, years long process of storytelling, negotiation, guilt and trips to Goodwill.
Now, layer on health issues, cognitive issues, estate issues, and all the rest.
I’m a caregiver for aging parents. Trying to live my own life filled with its own challenges and opportunities.
So, I started writing about this to cope, process and find the humor in it all and help others on a similar journey.
Radical acceptance. This has been my goal over the last several months as I try let go of all the things my parents refuse to address. It’s not easy!
Looking forward to learning from this community.