'Blessings in Disguise' By Carolyn Malone

The Seventh Letter from a Caregiver.

Hello, dear Friends. In our ‘Letters from a Caregiver’ collaboration, we’re sharing heartfelt messages of wisdom and comfort to our younger selves.

The Letters Sent so far:

1. Introduction and letter to my September 2017 self by Victoria

2. 'Acceptance With Grace' by Mary Beth Kaplan

3. 'Strength in Vulnerability; Growth from Adversity.' By Dr Rachel Molloy

4. “Changes beyond my control but agility beyond my imagination.” by Victoria

5. “From The Other Side Of The Story.” by

   The Invisible Caretaker

6. “Healing Comes in Many Forms: Honoring our Sacred Contract” by Janine De Tillio Cammarata

We’re more than we think we are today.

During the hard times of caregiving, it’s easy to feel uncertain, question ourselves, and let fears or worries creep in. We can’t control our inner critic or thoughts, but we can choose how to react to them.

Navigating ourselves and the person we care for, through each moment, can sometimes feel like trying to steer two ships simultaneously through a storm. Two helms, sometimes in sync, other times opposing. Then, some well-intentioned friends or family may start messing with the ship’s wheel; ‘caresplaining.’

Caresplaining can make us second-guess our capabilities and what we know. It can also undermine the small amount of comfort and certainty (aka stability) we’ve tried to nurture for the person we care for and ourselves under challenging circumstances.

In these moments of chaos or crisis, we do our best. We move forward because there’s no other choice. Hopefully, there’s help from friends/family or paid carers. But ultimately, we’re the ones who have to captain both ships simultaneously through a boatload of decisions.

Today’s letter from Carolyn reminds me that we may not see the ‘Blessings In Disguise’, or appreciate our strength and capabilities in those moments, at least not yet??

Have you heard about Carol Dweck’s work on ‘Growth Mindset ’? (Embracing the power of ‘Not yet’ Professor Carol Dweck: ‘Developing A Growth Mindset’.)

Contrary to a “fixed mindset,” which assumes that abilities are static, a growth mindset fosters resilience, openness to new experiences, and a willingness to take risks. It comes from shifting perceptions of personal traits. People with a growth mindset are less interested in appraising supposedly unchanging characteristics—IQ, musical aptitude, physical gifts, etc.—and more interested in how skills can be cultivated and improved through practice.

Of course, in a stormy moment, I may not want to hear about ‘growth mindset’, or spend time dwelling on what I’m learning from the experience!

When we’re in a storm, the stress, responsibilities, and burden are all too real in that moment. (If you’re in a crisis or storm of events, we’re sending big hugs of empathy and support. We get it. You’re not alone.)

And yet, through our series ‘Letters from a Caregiver’, I hope that we can offer greater confidence and reassurance that you’ve got this!

I think we can all see Carolyn’s strength, resilience and ‘growth mindset’ in her letter. I know I’ve reached a whole new level of agility as a caregiver.

So, I’m taking this opportunity to highlight the diverse skills we have to use as caregivers, especially during stormy crises. You may not realise this right now, but I hope you can use our letters as examples of people who’ve navigated their way through.

A helpful journaling exercise, ‘Strengths Spotting’:

Make a list of any/all the strengths, skills, and capabilities you can spot in our letters. It’s often easier to spot other people's strengths than our own.

Now, take that list and name a time or situation that you’ve had to employ the same skill. Try to pick a different situation for each skill. It’s not just the big events, choose the small daily care routine moments too.

This is a great end-of-the-year journaling exercise.

Caregivers get it. I hope this helps you gain greater confidence in yourself as you move forward. No caresplaining!

Author Bio: Carolyn is a writer and editor based in New York. As someone born with the rare disorder Klippel-Feil Syndrome (KFS), she writes deeply personal and insightful articles on caregiving, disability, and grief. Drawing from her own life experiences, she aims to create community and ensure others feel understood in their experience.

Blessings in Disguise

Dear Carolyn,

You will wake up in the middle of the night in April 2006 and notice an empty space next to you in bed. You’ll think your partner is probably in the bathroom, but several minutes pass and your intuition will tell you something is off.

When you get up, you’ll find your partner on the floor on his side of the bed. You’ll rush to get your hearing aids and glasses on and kneel beside him. He is awake. You will ask him what is going on? He tries to speak, but it’s gibberish.

At first you think he’s drunk, but then you see the left side of his face is droopy. When you try to help him get up, he’s unable to move his left side. Now you know something is wrong. You call 911. While you wait for the paramedics to arrive, you throw on some clothes and grab his medication list, which is always posted on the refrigerator.

You’ll arrive at the Emergency Room at around 3:00 in the morning. His sister will meet you there. Doctors will say your partner had a major stroke. Because you don’t know the exact time the stroke occurred, they will not be able to give him medication to dissolve the blood clot causing the stroke. This medication can only be given within three hours of the onset of the stroke.

Your partner will be in the hospital for three weeks, then go to a physical rehabilitation center for two weeks. During this time, your apartment will look like a bomb hit it since you are spending all your time working and going to the hospital. You have no time to clean. Mom will come to the rescue and help clean the place for you.

You and your partner will spend the next two years in survival mode. Besides the stroke, he will have two seizures, each a year apart, which will make him unable to drive during this period.

First Blessing in Disguise: Forced Independence

You haven’t driven in 17 years, but now you must take charge and sit in the driver’s seat. The wrinkle is the car you have is a stick shift, and you only know how to drive an automatic. A friend takes you to a parking lot to teach you how to drive manually, but you decide that it’s too complicated. So, you must get a new car – an automatic. You take driving lessons to refresh your driving muscles. You are forced to face your fear of driving, and you become more independent.

Second Blessing in Disguise: The Gift of a Boring Job

You’ll also come to realize that you were lucky that you didn’t get the job you interviewed for two months prior to your partner’s stroke. Your current employer, who respects you and has known you for a long time, will be flexible with you, allowing you to take time off whenever you need to. They will even let you split your shifts if necessary.

If you had gotten the new job, your new employer would have only known you two months and probably would not have been as flexible or as understanding of your situation.

You wanted that new job because you were bored with your current one. Now you will be thankful for being bored because it frees up mental space to deal with your partner’s needs.

Third Blessing in Disguise: A Remodeled Bathroom

While your partner is in rehab, the physical therapist will tell you that you need to make adjustments to the master bathroom. The shower needs to be retrofitted, and he’ll need a shower seat. So, you end up redoing the bathroom. Say goodbye to those ugly pink tiles. Yay! You’ve wanted this bathroom makeover for years. Now you have it, sweetheart.

Fourth Blessing in Disguise: Deeper Empathy From Your Partner

During this time, your partner will gain a newfound respect for you, as he gets to experience what you have experienced your whole life: going to multiple doctors for significant health issues and disabilities.

These two years are going to be difficult for both you and your partner. There will be times when you want to escape, run away. The endless doctor and hospital visits, both yours and his, will drive you mad. On two occasions, you will get a chance to get away by yourself for a few days. This will help save your sanity.

Carolyn, these two years will be the hardest of your life up to this point, testing your endurance, bringing you to the brink of despair. By forcing you to drive, to lead, and to seek out help, your partner’s stroke will be the catalyst for your growth. Hold fast to the knowledge that you are a survivor, a caregiver, and a strong woman who will discover several blessings in disguise.

The future remains unknown, with round two of caregiving coming almost 20 years later. But you will meet it with the quiet, proven confidence of someone who has already been tested and found herself to be unshakably resilient and strong.

The Closing Rapid-Fire Questions to Carolyn from Victoria:

1. ‘Empathy to me is’

“Having compassion for another person’s experience. Being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes.”

2. What’s one quote/song/movie/book that’s inspired or carried you through to today?

The book “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand.

This is a story about resilience, endurance, and transformation. Louis Zamperini is a pilot who becomes a POW in a Japanese war camp during World War II. For over two years, he was beaten and tortured, and he almost starved to death. Despite this ordeal, Louis remained unbroken. When he returned home, he struggled with PTSD and alcoholism, but he overcame these afflictions. Over time he transformed his bitterness into forgiveness. Near the end of his life, he returned to Japan to face his former captors, showing them that he forgave them. Zamperini’s life story shows the triumph of the human spirit against all odds.

Dear Reader, what did you learn about yourself during the pandemic that you didn’t realize before?

Thank you, Carolyn!

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article & consider subscribing!

Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.

© Carer Mentor, October 16, 2025. This concept/theory/poem is original to Carer Mentor™ VLChin Ltd. If you use it, please give credit and link to the original work. Thank you. www.carermentor.com