The Spring Season of Letters From A Caregiver: “Misunderstood, and everyone has an opinion,” By Victoria

"Be true to yourself, be clear about your purpose, and how you want to show up for others."

Hello, Dear Reader! Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members! I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why? Carer Mentor is designed to offer:

Heartfelt empathy for Caregivers. A dynamic hub of resources and insights. A portal of hope and a community network. 'Human-ing' with a lot of ❤️

The Carer Mentor website is a wealth of evidence-based resources and curated anthologies (iCARE Stack). It’s also a community network of caregivers and writers who share diverse personal experiences, about Giving and Receiving Care, Bereavement and Grief, Dementia, and Cancer.

With your limited time and energy, you can use Carer Mentor as your go-to source for articles and anthologies that can spark ideas or signpost you to other publications and writers—a portal to others, who are human-ing hard too!

One of the most popular articles is "Caregiving Hacks and Tips ”, containing practical ideas for hands-on caregiving. Maybe something will fit your situation.

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The Spring Season of “Letters from a Caregiver” starts today

I started this ‘Letters from a Caregiver’ Collaboration because I believe that this approach offers us, as authors, the opportunity to give ourselves more self-compassion. As readers, we can discover wisdom we may not know we need.

“Letters from a Caregiver” is a weekly article where a caregiver offers wisdom, compassion, and hope to their younger self. No one knows us as well as we know ourselves, and even then, we may second-guess ourselves. The choices, challenges and tragedies we’ve faced have forged us in more ways than anyone can understand; in ways we’re still trying to decipher!

Author’s Bio: I’m Victoria, based in the UK. I resigned from a global corporate job in Belgium to help my Mum care for Dad until his passing in 2020. Now, I’m caring for my mother. My mentoring business and this Carer Mentor mission both flex around my main priority: caregiving. I’m living my bespoke version of thriving. ❤️

Previous letters to my younger self:

1. “Changes beyond my control but agility beyond my imagination.” links to how caregiving started for me in 2015 and bridges to younger me at the end of May 2016

2. ‘Relearning Hope In A Time Of Darkness’ is a letter to myself at the end of 2019

The image below is a timeline: a line graph with a y-axis ranging from -5 to 5 and an x-axis representing time in years, with 0 on the y-axis.

You can see the destination point for each letter on this timeline. Every year, I did this timeline exercise, allocating a relative score to each major event.

2015 was one of the worst years I’ve experienced—a perfect storm of events, a test of love, and it was torture; ‘A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture.’ And yet, this prelude wasn’t everything. Interwoven were chosen-family events that held me together, with quality moments and memories: Brussels: ‘The Sixth and Sixteenth Relocation’ 2015 and 1999 were two significant milestone years. Hence, the seismic activity, the sharp amplitudes of life you see above.

“Misunderstood, and everyone has an opinion”

Hello, 2017-me, I’m back with another letter.

It’s February 2026 here, you, me - we’re well, looking after Mum and living big in the small heartbeats of now. Sigh, I know that’ll be hard for you to comprehend from where you are, but it’s true.

Today, despite the constant background noise of uncertainty and random reminders of how fragile our bubble is, there’s a beautiful calm.

Before this calm, there’s been a long, twisted rollercoaster, with many emergencies. I’m sorry, hon. I think you already have an inkling of how Dad’s health is deteriorating. The plateaus will become shorter, the step-downs steeper, and his decline accelerates. [In 2017, I had no idea Mum would be diagnosed with cancer.]

So keep making the most of your time in Brussels before you move back to the UK. It’s becoming too exhausting, expensive and gut-wrenching to be a flight away from your parents when things are becoming more fraught.

Just don’t beat yourself up about creating a little space to figure out the what, where and how of it all. Because everyone seems to have an opinion, and you need to be able to hear your own inner voice.

You’re trying to recalibrate, but everything feels messy and up in the air.

You took the full year, the maximum medical leave you were allowed to help Mum and Dad (thank you, Belgian policies!). And then, from October 2016, you’ve just spent six months trying to be productive back at work. You tried to convince yourself and the company that you could take on a new role. Flip-flopping thoughts with increasing dissonance.

Choosing to resign was the best decision, and the only decision that felt right. Phew! Bravo! I’m so proud of you!

It’s a big relief. You feel more in sync with yourself, but you’re not able to articulate that yet. You will, by December 2017, though. Here’s the poem-proof: Head-Heart-Gut-Aligned:

When the world comes knocking on your door, cracking you to attention
Avoid the paranoid thoughts, fears linked to past-contexts, expectations and perceptions 
Open that door with excited anticipation...comforted by all you’ve learnt, & what's emerging 
You’re Liberated of career chains, and life’s conditioned state
you're already armed, primed for this - 
so 'GO On, escape!' 

Today, you’re focused, ..evolving, and.. carving a new way forward;  
Discovering a path, with no stations or exact destination 
So maybe for once you can savour this journey: be curious, awake, adapt & lean in... 
stay open to even more changes, as the uncertainties begin 
This time it's not the results that's going to define this ride 
Nor a bonus, a salary or inflated pride 
Because now, you've chosen to prioritise CARE,  
For your parents, for yourself and the select few, you love & embrace like life-giving air

So when you hear that knock, it’s just a clear reminder that today 
It's one of many opportunities you can hear clearly, now that you're out of the fray 
emerging from the whirlwind your senses are more alive  
You are out of the trancelike state of sleep-walking through your own life

Relish the uncertainty, embrace the new connections,
And above all else, be brave beyond your previous comprehension.
Because after what was some awesome career progression,  
you now realise, what makes you feel alive 
You’ve reprioritised, refocused and now you’re on this path 
Exactly where you should be, to be yourself and thrive 

Even if it means journeying through pain, it’s feeling and THAT, is life 
So, now that you feel fulfilled, grown-up & evolved from that past, 
Be here, ...Be present  
Because NOW, you can Stand-up straight 
……...At Last! 

YAY!

And still, in September, there’s a nagging voice in your head.

“What will people think?”

Even if you’re becoming clearer, 100% aligned about your choice to care for your parents, you’re already battling the assumptions, biases and imagined motives others are imposing on you.

The career-focused ‘friend’: Why would you leave a global VP position to be a carer? Can’t you get someone to help your parents? Why don’t you try …?

The UK taxi driver: “Aww, that’s nice. That’s the good thing about your culture, eh, you look after your parents.” I’m Chinese

You don’t know the term ‘filial piety’ yet. Soon you’ll realise it’s how some may interpret your actions and motives. Filial piety is defined as respect and duty toward parents/elders and refers to honouring, caring for, or obeying family members, often in a Confucian context.

I appreciate that may fit some, but we know it doesn’t fit our ‘Why’. Independence, agency, and choice underpin our decisions - probably because we’re born in the UK, but more likely because Dad drilled into us from a very young age, the need to be financially independent and not to rely on anyone but ourselves!

We don’t kowtow¹ or feel obligated to be a caregiver. Being perceived as a dutiful daughter or ‘obeying’ makes me cringe.

Dad wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be dependent on anyone - including them. He wanted me to be ‘able to stand on my own two feet.’ It’s no wonder that I’m strongly independent!

The decision to resign and care for Mum and Dad is all about Love—not just for them, but also about what I need. What I need to feel whole and aligned with my values. If people are misunderstanding your motives or can’t get their heads around that, that’s okay.

You know. Mum and Dad know.

Right now, you’re cautious about telling anyone that you’re caring for your parents. You're wondering how much time you’ll have to use waste defending your decision and if it’s worth it. You’re recognising the ones who want to outshine or out-career you in conversations, or worse, patronise or pity you!

Let’s face it, though, in 2017, you’re suddenly conscious of your own internalised misperceptions, the social conditioning about what ‘being a caregiver’ means. You’re shifting your lens and curiously recalibrating your identity.

You know how hard the last couple of years have been; those are the realities of caregiving that others may not get, that you didn’t know before! This is where you start advocating for others; why we’re doing what we’re doing today.

You’re more guarded and jaded about the world, where you were used to first introductions being premised on titles, trips, accolades, and ambition.

Since 2017, there’s been a natural attrition among colleagues and friends. Some intentional choices. Other connections simply wither off the vine, untended and without sunlight. The silence between texts and calls grows larger. Reducing the rollercoaster of our caregiving life and emotions to a journey from point A, ‘the last time we talked’, to point B, ‘ now’, feels both insurmountable and reductive at the same time.

So, now you’re more discerning.

In 2017, you’re trying to find your path in life beyond professional work. Placing less emphasis on what others are thinking and focusing more on what matters most to you.

You’re setting boundaries, not just about who to connect with, but also how you spend your precious time and energy. Time is our most expensive asset. (I’m so relieved we found the Monash mindfulness course.)

Where you are right now, you’re navigating assumptions, and you’re constantly upgrading your bullshit radar.

I’m sorry to say you’re going to feel conflicted about the well-intentioned people who miss the mark in their efforts to be helpful or supportive. You get showered with ‘sorries’, sympathies and pity, and some big disappointments. There’s a lot of unsolicited advice. Those pedestals were way too high, anyway.

You reach your limit when visitors need to be comforted by Dad because they’re feeling bad about him being ill! Then they lecture you on what you need to do for him!

Caresplainers throw advice from the stands whilst you’re in the arena. It’s worse than the mansplaining we’ve experienced. You’ll see it, run that gauntlet, and share this new term, ’caresplaining’ with your friends in the Carer forums.

And there’s the blessed, saving grace.

You find Carers UK and other caregivers—finally, people who get it. All of it!

We connect with other caregivers who understand that we’re more than our caregiving role, more than what we do for others, even when the ‘doing’ consumes all our time and energy.

So, keep doing exactly what you’ve planned. Ask yourself the questions, stay curious. Trust yourself. You’re unlearning internalised perceptions and socially conditioned beliefs. When you understand your value, other opinions won’t matter—regardless of who says it, or how entitled they think they are, to give it.

The people who really matter are still on the journey with you. Be true to yourself, be clear about your purpose, and how you want to show up for others, and you’ll manage to get through the next tough years. Be you.

BIG love and hugs, Hon.

Three Rapid Questions

1. Describe one thing you do to move through fear or uncertainty during caregiving.

   Above all, music- to shift my thoughts or my mood: #11 This Caregiver’s Music: ‘A backbone of music to stabilise this year.’

2. Thinking of someone you admire/respect, name three of their standout qualities/characteristics

   One of my first mentors: her ability to see the big picture as well as the details, and to translate both perspectives to others: curiosity and connection.

3. What’s one quote/movie/book that’s inspired you?

   Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

   Viktor E. Frankl ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’

Prompt for discussion:

Have you been through a time when your life choice was misunderstood?

Tell us about a time when you realised you’d internalised a socially conditioned expectation.

Please like ‘❤️’ the article to guide others here.

1. Kowtow is a Chinese term referring to the traditional act of deep respect or submission, performed by kneeling and bowing low enough to touch one’s forehead to the ground. Derived from koutou (”knock the head”), it signifies extreme reverence or submissiveness. Figuratively, it means acting in a fawning manner or excessively obeying authority.