These words of yours are so beautiful I want to point them out and savor them: "each of our experiences is unique. Someone, somewhere will have a jigsaw piece that fits your picture. If not, the faint outlines, threads or notes of feeling will tug you closer in empathy, so you’ll feel less alone." Indeed, each caregiving journey is different. Thanks for your generous sharing so that we don't feel alone. I'm saving this podcast episode to listen on Spotify.
Aww thanks Lily! If only I had a magic wand, I could make harmonies from discord or colour a spectrum of rainbows so everyone's embraced. Unique AND connected.
It's been podcast-fest over here...I'm rediscovering some of the ones I'd saved before! So I'll keep updating the podcast list too. xo
It's comforting to connect with others who are going through this. I worry for my husband who is the sole caretaker from a distance for his 90-year-old mother. She is good about so many things, including keeping him in the loop of her financial needs, but she is adamant about staying alone in the city and will not budge on that. The two of them are just waiting to see what happens and I know it's especially stressful for him. Not everything can be planned ahead, it seems. Thanks for sharing this information, Victoria.
Hi Trevy, You're welcome and I hear you! Caring at a distance can be highly frustrating and grinding on the soul. Living with uncertainty is a constant pressure. It's so difficult!
The only thought that helped me support older relatives at a distance was to identify care agencies for in-home support - a 'reconnaissance' or to seed in ideas. Your husband has probably already thought of/done this.
Being in contact and understanding what's possible in the home helped me feel less frustrated. I could do something & feel more primed. We didn't get to 'activate' this but had to figure out what palliative/hospice services were available. Yes, we can't plan for all scenarios. If you need ideas you know where to find me xo
This is a great idea. Once, I did suggest to her that I could help her find someone who could come by regularly just to check on her and see if she needed anything. In the U.S., I believe there is a service like this. But she responded with an aggressive NO! She said absolutely no agencies. I'm not sure why. She used to be a social worker and is familiar with systems. So I just backed off. However, it might be a good idea to be ready with the information in case anything changes going forward. Thank you :)
You're welcome, Trevy. In the US, there are different sorts of services. Here in the UK, there's a broader choice, quality and range in the south of England versus the north and more in cities versus rural areas. Still, then some villages have more established community-group support—it's a 'postcode lottery'.
Your comment just makes me think that openly sharing your concerns for her and asking her to share her thoughts could invite an easier conversation... What is it about agencies that evoke that reaction and why? If you have the real-deal info it could allay any fears. Often, it's associated to a stranger doing toileting/hygiene-care, or safety...but gently asking could help...
I've learnt over the years that creating a comfortable space for them to share thoughts is the biggest step. So yep, focusing on getting information for yourselves and being ready for when she opens up can be the best thing right now. I don't know the US social service situation - Dr Applebaum said Chapter 7 of her book was dedicated to finances and support.
Good point. It's a delicate situation, honestly. But maybe she will reach a point where if she sees she's in need herself, she will be more approachable about what she will surely feel is an intrusive conversation. I have up on that kind of effort a long time ago but things may need to change. I appreciate your help.
It's all difficult, no easy solutions, because it's all so human. Sending hugs. I joined Carers UK to participate in the online forum. Carers know. If you or your husband need to soundboard more for diverse opinions, that could be an option -I'm sure there are organisations in USA too.
These words of yours are so beautiful I want to point them out and savor them: "each of our experiences is unique. Someone, somewhere will have a jigsaw piece that fits your picture. If not, the faint outlines, threads or notes of feeling will tug you closer in empathy, so you’ll feel less alone." Indeed, each caregiving journey is different. Thanks for your generous sharing so that we don't feel alone. I'm saving this podcast episode to listen on Spotify.
Aww thanks Lily! If only I had a magic wand, I could make harmonies from discord or colour a spectrum of rainbows so everyone's embraced. Unique AND connected.
It's been podcast-fest over here...I'm rediscovering some of the ones I'd saved before! So I'll keep updating the podcast list too. xo
It's comforting to connect with others who are going through this. I worry for my husband who is the sole caretaker from a distance for his 90-year-old mother. She is good about so many things, including keeping him in the loop of her financial needs, but she is adamant about staying alone in the city and will not budge on that. The two of them are just waiting to see what happens and I know it's especially stressful for him. Not everything can be planned ahead, it seems. Thanks for sharing this information, Victoria.
Hi Trevy, You're welcome and I hear you! Caring at a distance can be highly frustrating and grinding on the soul. Living with uncertainty is a constant pressure. It's so difficult!
The only thought that helped me support older relatives at a distance was to identify care agencies for in-home support - a 'reconnaissance' or to seed in ideas. Your husband has probably already thought of/done this.
Being in contact and understanding what's possible in the home helped me feel less frustrated. I could do something & feel more primed. We didn't get to 'activate' this but had to figure out what palliative/hospice services were available. Yes, we can't plan for all scenarios. If you need ideas you know where to find me xo
This is a great idea. Once, I did suggest to her that I could help her find someone who could come by regularly just to check on her and see if she needed anything. In the U.S., I believe there is a service like this. But she responded with an aggressive NO! She said absolutely no agencies. I'm not sure why. She used to be a social worker and is familiar with systems. So I just backed off. However, it might be a good idea to be ready with the information in case anything changes going forward. Thank you :)
You're welcome, Trevy. In the US, there are different sorts of services. Here in the UK, there's a broader choice, quality and range in the south of England versus the north and more in cities versus rural areas. Still, then some villages have more established community-group support—it's a 'postcode lottery'.
Your comment just makes me think that openly sharing your concerns for her and asking her to share her thoughts could invite an easier conversation... What is it about agencies that evoke that reaction and why? If you have the real-deal info it could allay any fears. Often, it's associated to a stranger doing toileting/hygiene-care, or safety...but gently asking could help...
I've learnt over the years that creating a comfortable space for them to share thoughts is the biggest step. So yep, focusing on getting information for yourselves and being ready for when she opens up can be the best thing right now. I don't know the US social service situation - Dr Applebaum said Chapter 7 of her book was dedicated to finances and support.
Good point. It's a delicate situation, honestly. But maybe she will reach a point where if she sees she's in need herself, she will be more approachable about what she will surely feel is an intrusive conversation. I have up on that kind of effort a long time ago but things may need to change. I appreciate your help.
It's all difficult, no easy solutions, because it's all so human. Sending hugs. I joined Carers UK to participate in the online forum. Carers know. If you or your husband need to soundboard more for diverse opinions, that could be an option -I'm sure there are organisations in USA too.
Oh that's a good idea too. Thank you!