Recommendation: Podcast Episode 'How to Care for an Aging Parent.'
Carvell Wallace and Courtney E Martin host 'How To'. In this episode, Carvell interviews Courtney, her brother Chris Martin and Dr Allison Applebaum
Hello, dear Carer Mentor readers and friends! Thank you for spending some of your precious time and energy here.
I’m Victoria (She/her/hers). You can read more about why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?’
Today’s article is part of the ComfortZone of Index: For The Caregiver, continuing to share recommendations of podcasts/shows to inspire and rekindle hope.
This ‘How To’ podcast episode piqued my interest because I subscribe to
’s publication, . Little did I realise, when I teed it up to play, how well it dovetails with This Caregiver’s ‘Lens of Hope’, article.I resonated with Courtney and Chris’s experiences. Whether your parent/loved one suffers from advanced dementia or not, the questions and thoughts they share will be very familiar to caregivers.
For example, Chris shares how shifting his energy from caring for his father to his energetic kids can be difficult.
Caregiving requires us to shift gears and adapt to the changing needs of one person. Imagine what that is like in this ‘intergenerational’ sandwiched situation!
One of the key points they raise is to discuss your parents’ wishes as soon as possible. This includes opening discussions about house bills and finances to understand what needs to be managed and sustained and by whom.
In my experience, as an only child, Dad gave me long talks about ‘important documents’ and what to do when since I was a teenager. (Yes, he was very organised but also worried, given his health issues).
Conversely, recently, some friends have had to excavate passwords and documents from their parents' houses and play detective, contacting banks and organisations to understand their parents’ finances. Imagine doing this for two sets of parents.
In all circumstances, the discussions will feel uncomfortable and incomplete, but this is not a one-time event; circumstances will change, and discussions will evolve.
I suggest not approaching these discussions like a project management task. Instead, manage your expectations— starting the conversation is a good baby step.
Seeding thoughts to formalising their wishes can take time, so in my experience, it’s best to avoid piling pressure and expectations into one discussion. Some things may need to be pondered and considered.
When there are many feelings and room for misinterpretation, I’ve found that asking open-ended questions and letting them talk is the best approach early on. Then, build on those foundations with small check-point affirmations of understanding.
What’s your experience understanding your parent’s wishes and assuming more responsibility for their bills and finances?
As with everything I experience in caregiving, this makes me think of my plans and powers of attorney AND these days, I find my friends, and I dedicate more and more time to this topic!
The podcast is rich in vulnerable insights, and there are many things I would’ve asked Dr Applebaum. So, I’ve added her book ‘Stand By Me: A Guide to Navigating Modern, Meaningful Caregiving’ to my reading list to gain more insights.
Do you have a book you recommend to others about caregiving?
FYI: Book tools for a Carer’s Journey is an article with ten books I recommend
Thank you to Courtney Martin and Carvell Wallace for a great podcast!
‘How To’ is a podcast show on Slate
About the show:
We all need advice, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to turn. Each week, Courtney Martin and Carvell Wallace bring a listener on to the show to solve their toughest problems with the help of world-class experts. It’s free therapy, and you’re invited.
How To Care for an Aging Parent
Courtney E Martin1 and her brother Chris Martin2, are interviewed by Courtney’s cohost, Carvell Wallace3
Dr. Allison J Applebaum, author of Stand By Me: A Guide to Navigating Modern, Meaningful Caregiving (Simon Element, 2024), on preparing for a loved one’s final years. Click here to learn more about the book.
Courtney and Chris share insights about their journey and how they are navigating the day-to-day realities of caregiving.
It’s inspiring to hear how they’ve chosen to care for their parents, orchestrating ‘intergenerational co-housing’, living close by, partnering, and walking this path with their families.
Chris dedicated time to move his parents to the new home, packing things and caring for his parents, and now their parents live with Courtney and her family, while Chris lives nearby. I can only slightly imagine, the effort, organisation and stress that was involved to make this happen. Wowser!
Dr Applebaum and Carvell bring their own caregiving experiences into the discussion. We can hear the empathy, resonance and practical tips. No lectures, just lots of humanity and connection.
So, I highly recommend listening, whether you are new to caregiving or a long timer like me.
Two quotes from the podcast
The introduction and the final words of Dr Applebaum. It’s a rich discussion that warrants dedicated listening time. I’ve kept the transcript for personal journal use.
Courtney Martin 01:24 Intro:
Dear ‘How to’, Me and my big brother Chris, have started taking care of our dad, who has pretty advanced dementia alongside our mom. We've been close our whole lives, which is really helping in this moment of such heightened emotions and logistical challenges. We also have super supportive partners, which we know is rare and lucky and the financial resources not to be freaked out about the future. But even with all that support and privilege, it's not easy. I'm living with my parents, so while the proximity makes care taking easier, it also means my nervous system sort of never has a chance to rest fully. How can I take care of my parents and live alongside them while learning how to turn off the vigilance
Dr Allison Applebaum 46:31
I think you're bringing up the inherent nature that the one commonality that we all experience as family caregivers, whoever we're taking care of, whatever their illness is, whatever their prognosis is, is the fact that we are tasked with sitting with uncertainty. We cannot fix that. It's a hard, hard pill to swallow, and yet you are doing it. And I think it's, you know, the zoom in lens is like, this is chaotic, and it's so complicated, and I'm overwhelmed and I'm frazzled and I feel like I'm sinking and drowning. But the zoom out lens is that you are putting one foot in front of the other, that you are developing new strengths. You are developing without knowing it necessarily or realising it, the capacity to live more mindfully and fully in the present. That's one of the gifts Your dad is giving you. He's giving you this opportunity to strengthen that capacity to sit with uncertainty, to live in the present.
If you liked the podcast, check out Courtney’s Publication, here are a couple of her articles that struck chords with me.
A small last word
I like to make these recommendations because each of our experiences is unique. Someone, somewhere will have a jigsaw piece that fits your picture. If not, the faint outlines, threads or notes of feeling will tug you closer in empathy, so you’ll feel less alone.
Resonance is a powerful normaliser, empathy is a beautiful connector.
I’m mindful of our capacity to connect and the depth of resonance we can feel in our common humanity.
Perhaps, if we can open ourselves up enough to sit with the pain / struggles of others, this resonance can help us be more compassionate with ourselves, as we navigate our own challenges.
Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources.
From the Slate Website: Courtney E. Martin is an award-winning journalist. Her latest book is Learning in Public: Lessons for a Racially Divided America From My Daughter's School. She also writes a popular Substack newsletter called Examined Family and co-founded both the Solutions Journalism Network and FRESH Speakers Bureau. She lives in El Cerrito, California in a multi-generational household.
I'm Chris Martin. I am a poet and a teacher. I am neurodivergent, and I work with neurodivergent writers, and Courtney and I have recently embarked on an intergenerational care arrangement where we are taking care of our parents and taking care of each other.
From the Slate Website: Carvell Wallace is a New York Times bestselling author, contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine, and a former Slate parenting columnist and co-host of Mom and Dad Are Fighting. He also hosted the Finding Fred podcast and writes for GQ, Esquire, the Atlantic, the New Yorker, and other outlets.
These words of yours are so beautiful I want to point them out and savor them: "each of our experiences is unique. Someone, somewhere will have a jigsaw piece that fits your picture. If not, the faint outlines, threads or notes of feeling will tug you closer in empathy, so you’ll feel less alone." Indeed, each caregiving journey is different. Thanks for your generous sharing so that we don't feel alone. I'm saving this podcast episode to listen on Spotify.
It's comforting to connect with others who are going through this. I worry for my husband who is the sole caretaker from a distance for his 90-year-old mother. She is good about so many things, including keeping him in the loop of her financial needs, but she is adamant about staying alone in the city and will not budge on that. The two of them are just waiting to see what happens and I know it's especially stressful for him. Not everything can be planned ahead, it seems. Thanks for sharing this information, Victoria.