Past and Present Grief Discombobulates this Publisher's Purpose.

Part 1: How do I make sense of grief, purpose, pressure, and all these publishing possibilities, on the fifth anniversary of two birthdays?

My father's birthday is May 9th, the fifth without him.

It’s also the fifth anniversary of Carer Mentor as a website.

The Death and Birth

My father died in early January 2020, and less than two weeks after the funeral was the first of Mum's cancer surgeries.

For some, 2020 was all about COVID. For us, it was Dad's passing, the funeral, Mum's cancer treatment (surgeries, chemo, radiotherapy, a new seismic emotional rollercoaster), all things probate,… and COVID. Grief was buried, relegated and boxed.

To some, starting a website in the midst of all that may seem like a mad idea, but to me, it made perfect sense.

I needed to create something to help other caregivers and have a meaningful pursuit beyond caregiving (Reference: Frankl, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning.’¹)

I wanted to share what I’d researched, including the resources that had helped me navigate forward, like the work of Dr. Susan David (Emotional Agility) and Dr. Russ Harris² (..the difference between focusing only on goals versus a life based on values).

It wasn't about publishing a memoir or a hero's journey of the experience. This was about connecting beyond our love-bubble, just as Dad was released from his pain, I felt a new freedom to build with a new sense of purpose.

After experiencing seismic emotions and unpredictable events over a long, very dark period while Dad's health crumbled, constructing something clicked.

Learning all things 'website' was more frustrating than exciting. I'm not designed to build code (understatement!) But finally, I pressed the button. The website was live on May 9th, 2020—goal achieved.

Caregivers know that the majority of things are out of our control: when symptoms deteriorate, like increasing cardiac events, or waiting to hear about when a medical appointment will get scheduled, or being on tenterhooks with the shifting moods of a dementia mind³.

I couldn’t articulate this then, but creating the website helped me reclaim some control and agency. I felt a renewed sense of personal achievement.

Now, Dad's birthday will always be shared with the birth of Carer Mentor.

The early website years and starting on this new platform, Substack

Before I decided to build Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration on the Substack platform, from 2020 to 2023, there were two Squarespace versions, one WordPress edition, and one Notion with Super edition. Zero subscribers. Don’t ask, please!

Technically, I've built this website five times. Perseverance, resilience, and agility are traits shared by caregivers and publishers!

Since I first published on Substack, October 19, 2023, Carer Mentor has evolved every quarter to leverage new functionalities and ensure easy access to its growing content. There are now 220 interlinked articles, building blocks of the website’s content offering.

I’m grateful to the platform designers for allowing us to download all the content and the email subscriber list with one click. I've never had such an easy backup system!

Thankfully, functions and formats are easier on Substack, and the most enriching are those that enable dynamic interactions and connections with readers and other publishers.

I couldn’t imagine how many people would share their experiences here, on the same platform or how I’d be able to build collaborations and synergies—a community support network.

The potential and ambition

The first months of this year have been discombobulating.

The passing of a very good friend exposed more profound grief and stoked my motivation to build more resources around Cancer support. Pressure or productivity?

At the same time, I chose to experiment with additional features and functions. There are so many possibilities and potential with this platform and its ever-growing features

Having May the ninth in my head is a self-imposed pressure and goal post, especially this year, as the fifth anniversary. I didn't fully digest how much this meant to me until recently.

Grief and growth? Growth despite these losses? Substack growth?

Discombobulation and dissonance swirl.

Growth and ambition don’t quite sit right for me these days. This is what I shared in a comment. (The Isolation Journals, ‘Prompt 327. Dreaming Big’ March 2).

For me, ambition and dreaming big look different now compared to the days of climbing the leadership ladder and building diverse high-performing teams (which I loved). Seeing lightbulbs ignite when someone 'gets it' or when a team's heated debate shifts into eureka solutions together was SO cool. Now, I have a dream for my publication and what I'd like it to achieve to serve/support others. The vision is clear; translating it into reality is an evolving ambition.

It's evolving because it's more complex/convoluted than the earlier career years - it's not a straight single ladder or path.

Translating this vision into reality requires weaving all the threads together with caregiving— my red thread through everything. So, perhaps my big dream is the larger vision of how we (Mum and I) can both thrive and make the most of our everyday small moments to FEEL those tiny joys WHILE I try to realise the ambition to serve/support others.

Nothing is absolute, detailed or predictable, so I'll just keep leaning into my nerdy researcher curiosity, connecting and journalling to keep evolving and trying to make my vision a reality.

I’m grateful to

Kim Sacco

for her reply

Victoria, your words hold the beauty of an ambition that bends & weaves rather than climbs—a dream stitched with care, curiosity, & the quiet brilliance of everyday joy. May your red thread continue to guide you, strong & steady, as you bring your vision to life. 🖤

Thanks to Kim, I had a lightbulb of resonance! I have an ambition that bends and weaves rather than climbs, building a bigger, fuller, richer tapestry in community. The growth of this tapestry is incidental to its everyday beauty and purpose.

The reality of reconciling my ‘balance sheet’ of goals, costs and values.

For clarity, I wrote this list of statements to stop the swirl of dissonance and discombobulation.

Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration is a not-for-profit adventure that fosters connections and builds a dynamic support network.

• It’s a service; its growth is a byproduct, not the goal.

• It's not a memoir, although I share pieces of my experience and journey to offer empathy.

• It's not trying to build profit margins, although it's under the umbrella of my small business, a company registered at Companies House UK.

• I expend hours researching, writing and publishing resources that raise awareness, inspire and support others.

• Carer Mentor has a growing number of advocates and patron-sponsors (paid subscribers) who choose to support the website’s mission and publication.

• I officially dislike paywalls for Carer Mentor - even though I figured out a strategy to use them to create a behind-the-walls collaboration space.

• Monetary support is essential to cover the operational costs of the website (Domain name and subscriptions).

No paywalls and an option for monetary support? Can both be true?

The best articulation of a ‘No Paywall’ policy that I’ve discovered, and also fits for Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration, is by

Anne Kadet

in her guidelines for CAFÉ ANNE

Paywall Policy

CAFÉ ANNE will always be 100% free—no paywalls. It trusts that the readers who can afford a paid subscription will keep it going for those who cannot.

Based on my past website experience, I gave myself two years to 'try' this Substack platform, weigh the costs (money, time, effort, brain space, stress and pressure), and decide whether to continue. After all, if I can build a website five times, a sixth is possible, especially since I can download all the content.

I think the big questions are:

1. Is Substack helping me realise Carer Mentor’s purpose and mission?

2. Do the benefits outweigh the costs?

I hadn’t anticipated how this fifth incarnation of Carer Mentor: Empathy Inspiration would shift and change me. Carer Mentor Publisher.

Part 2 of this article, ‘Carer Mentor Publisher: reconciling grief, purpose, pressure, and possibilities’, will be released on Friday, May 9th.

In part 2, I’ll share links to some Substack information and essential considerations for publishing here.

If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions.

Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

1. Man’s Search for Meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust. Viktor E Frankl. Published 1946.

Viktor E. Frankl was a professor of neurology and psychiatry at the University of Vienna Medical School until his death in 1997. He was the founder of what has come to be called the Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy (after Freud's psychoanalysis and Adler's individual psychology)—the school of logotherapy.

2. In a previous article, I wrote about Dr Russ Harris’ book ‘The Happiness Trap’. This is the quote that stays with me:

If I were to define the word happiness I would describe it as living a rich full and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions. The things that make life rich full and meaningful don't just give us pleasant feelings. - Russ Harris

3. ‘Dementia mind’ is a good way to describe a loved one’s state. I came across this phrase reading

Tahia Sherebanou Fakhri

work. Here she shares the Delusion in the dementia mind in her Dementia Diaries:

The best way to calm the dementia mind is to create a secure space where there is less chance of agitation. In the early stages of Mom’s diagnosis, it was a journey of discovery for Mom as well as for us as caretakers.