'Letters from a Caregiver.'

A Collaboration Series: Our Younger Selves Receive a Letter of Wisdom, Compassion, and Hope.

Hello, Dear Readers, I hope you’re well. Thank you for choosing to spend some of your precious time with us—a warm welcome to new Carer Mentor subscribers. You can read about me here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

The more caregiving experiences I read about, the more I appreciate the unique circumstances we navigate and how these shape our identity and our views.

We may strive to stay connected, find our tribe and sense of belonging. Yet, no one can truly live in our skin or experience the interpersonal dynamics we have with family, loved ones, friends, and the person we care for.

No one knows us as well as we know ourselves, and even then, we may second-guess ourselves. The choices, challenges and tragedies we’ve faced have forged us in more ways than anyone can understand; in ways we’re still trying to decipher!

We may be unpicking the knots within the tapestry of our woven life, to fathom the meaning, to see the bigger picture and make sense of it all.

Maybe we’re seeing that red line that runs through, dipping in and around the other colours.

The warp and weft of our lives may have had a dramatic shift, but we continue to weave our way forward. Doing our best to live and thrive, navigate uncertainty and savour joy; creating our unique design.

I wondered how we’d counsel our past selves if we could. What would you say to comfort or reassure yourself, given what you know now? What wisdom would you impart? Which past-you would you address? What would you offer yourself? Hope, a pep talk, or a hug?

And so, I’m starting a new collaboration series: ‘Letters from a Caregiver’- a weekly article where a caregiver offers wisdom, compassion, and hope to their younger self.

When I write my articles or share thoughts in online discussion forums with other caregivers, I can feel conflicted about how my experience, advice, or reflections are perceived. ‘Will others get it? Will this resonate?’ Someone else may be having a much worse experience, or may misinterpret my intention. Words may not land as intended.

A letter conversation with our younger self could release those burdens. Between the lines of ‘then’ and ‘now’, something has changed. I’m curious to see what that is and how we reconnect with our younger selves.

Every letter is a small window into someone else’s world, a gift to us as readers.

It’s also an opportunity for us to exchange questions and reflections.

This isn’t just about us as caregivers. It’s about the ‘us’ beyond caregiving, sharing how we navigate life and connect through our common humanity.

The Series Format

Here’s what to expect:

• When: Every Thursday, until mid-November….is the initial plan.

• Where: I’ll publish a new article with the author, here on Carer Mentor. The author may decide to post the article on their publication.

• What: an article and a weekly Q&A discussion

  • Once published, we’ll share our thoughts in a discussion via the comments section under the article. (No Zoom, no Live, no Chat-app).

  • The author may decide to write a follow-up piece, so watch out for follow-ups.

• Who: I invited several caregiver friends with diverse experiences to collaborate with me.

As with all things caregiving, we can’t predict how demands on our time may change. I’ll adapt the schedule in collaboration with the authors as needed.

I hope to continue the series in December, but let’s see how this goes.

Letters from a Caregiver

Dear Victoria of September 2017,

Now, don’t freak out, but this is you in 2025, sending you some much-needed wisdom and hugs. Hello, Hon!

Before you start throwing a barrage of questions at me—I know how your brain works— breathe in, …out. Again, breathe in, …out.

I know a lot is happening right now, so let’s chill for a while and chat. I’m here for you. I’m holding your hand.

I want you to know how proud I am of you for turning down that new opportunity from the headhunter.

Nope, it wasn’t me who downed the cell signal in the train. I’m you, I can’t do divine intervention! If you need to rationalise it, we know the signal’s spotty in and out of those hills.

Yeahhh..I remember that moment so clearly because the timing was weird. I was so caught up in the discussion, listening to her talk about the team and the company. When she mentioned ‘someone’ had suggested she reach out to me…you…Well, I know our ego was baited, for sure! And then, silence. Mic dropped! Literally.

I remember that journey back to Mum and Dad here in the UK, so clearly.

You were slightly anxious about how Dad would be, and then that call.

You just needed those few minutes to recognise how the excitement was disconnected from what was in your heart; the reality of being present, here for Mum and Dad.

There was no point in taking another call or scheduling a ‘trip to meet the team,’ even if it sounded like a ‘juicy challenge’, you could get stuck into. It would be a waste of everyone’s time and effort, and you already knew that - even if it was an ego boost!

I get it, I’m you. Of course, it felt completely weird and untethering to say no to a new challenge. Everything you knew changed when you resigned as Vice President of the team in Belgium, but you were absolutely right; you knew it then, and I know it now.

In fact, you’re SO sure you’ve already written some of this poem 😁 Poem: 'Head-Heart-Gut Aligned' December 2017. So, yes, I’m proud of your decision to stay true to your values, and I know how much it took to make the decision to resign in June.

I’m sorry to say that not everyone will ‘get it.’ You’re going to get really pissed off with people saying things like, ‘but can’t you just organise some support for them’ or ‘I couldn’t put my life on hold like that!’

It’s best to get angry now, but breathe in…..and out. It’s NOT worth wasting your energy explaining things. You’re going to learn that VERY quickly. It’ll still anger you, but you know your truth.

Just like you applied situational leadership at work, you’re going to use it now to figure out how to respond in specific situations—whether that’s about people or a crisis.

I don't have a lot of time, so I need to tell you some things straight without a lot of fluff, but I know you prefer things that way (at least when it comes to the harsh news.)

Soooo, things are going to get hard again next month and next year because Dad’s bladder cancer is coming back. I know, Hon, I’m sorry. Everything’s going to go out of whack with his meds, his stability, and he’ll have another transection of the bladder early next year. I’m saying that fast because that’s NOT my main message or the wisdom you need to hear.

Right now, I want you to keep doing exactly what you’re doing. You can’t change the nightmare times that are coming; neither of us has that power! What you can’t see right now is that 2018 is also going to encompass some of the best times. You can’t see it now, but it will.

2018 will bring another relocation, that’s number seventeen. I can’t tell you where because that will spoil the whole journey of discovery.

Enjoy your holiday in France and stick to those plans for October in Germany. Quality time, with your chosen ‘friends-family’, will always be a core part of your life, even if the how and when will change.

Everything changes, you know that.

You’re already learning the hard way about how high and low the rollercoaster can go. You won’t be torn apart like you were in 2015, but you’ll need those gym sessions to stay sane.

Call it whatever you like: highs and lows, yin and yang, you’re going to learn more about opposites and the paradoxical nature of life through all the experiences over the next few years. And you’re going to survive it all. I’m here, aren’t I!

You don’t need all the answers right now (even if you’ve got hundreds of questions for me). I know there’s that old frame of reference that defines how you approach things. That’s okay. It’s going to help you strategise and plan, and prepare things. You and Mum will need that.

Dad’s going to get agitated and depressed, frightened and cantankerous, and you won’t be able to tell what’s the vascular dementia and what’s Dad, but it doesn’t matter.

Don’t second-guess yourself because you are a big stabiliser for them. Believe me, I know how heavy that burden of responsibility is. When Dad shouts and argues against calling the paramedics, and you shout back - forgive yourself. It’s not the last time he’ll spiral, argue, shout, … pleading with him in that state doesn’t work.

You’ll get better at creating space, stepping out and calming him down, …eventually. BUT I can’t download those tools to your brain. I’m sorry, hon, you’ll have to learn them through lived experiences. You WILL survive.

You’ll punch more pillows, be angrier than you’ve ever known and be knotted up with frustration. You’ll also cry yourself to sleep, and at times that may feel like a luxury you can’t afford in terms of energy and time, but eventually you’ll be where I am now, here, safe and okay.

Take a deep breath. Breathe in, …out. Again, breathe in, …out. Go back to the mindfulness course you did in 2016, and lean into Kristin Neff’s work that you found. Your curiosity and growth mindset help keep you sane with tools and support, especially when you’ve limited time and ability to connect with friends.

Dad isn’t here in 2025, Hon. You probably already realised that, with a big exhale of relief (for him and us), right!? I won't say when it happens; some things are best left unsaid. I don’t want you to be counting down the days or trying to change things. Things are, as they were meant to be.

Keep doing exactly as you’re doing. You’re going to experience more life in the next few years than you did in the last decade. It doesn’t mean it’s all going to be ‘roses and cream’ and happiness; that’s not life. You know that inside, but it’ll be proven over and over this coming year.

Allowing yourself to experience the full amplitudes of life and emotions is a never-ending lesson in being human. Trying to control or ‘manage’ these feelings can make things worse. Let them be, without judgment, and you’ll find more ways to help them shift.

You’ve already read Brené Brown’s books, ‘Daring Greatly,’ ‘The Gifts of Imperfection.’ Keep a lookout for Susan David’s Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life. Published August 3, 2017, and you’re going to love Brené’s new book that’s coming out on September 12, 2017, ‘Braving the Wilderness.’ It’ll speak to you in a way that clicks when you read it¹, especially the quote she uses from Maya Angelou:

"You only are free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great."

Every sun will rise and set, and you will continue beyond what you thought was your breaking point.

Ignore those people who sprout those clichés, or try to tell you what to do. You figure it out. You schedule the breaks you need, or you run on fumes of energy for a while. You can’t avoid the mental stress and burnout. It happens over and over. You’re doing nothing wrong. Be compassionate with yourself when it happens.

So, be you, walk this path. I’m in you and with you through the pain and joys you’ll experience, and one day we’ll be together.

Remember this from Brené Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection | No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.

**A small word on words: The label ‘unpaid carer’ may not sit easily with you right now, you’re only starting to learn about the labels and definitions that are put onto people like us by the NHS and government. You’ll find others who are caring for parents, each one with a unique set of circumstances, and you’ll still feel out of place. It’s okay, remember Maya Angelou’s quote.

At the same time, there is a growing fire in your belly to support other carers, other caregivers, as they’re called in the US.

**Keep researching, keep learning. Your curiosity will give your nerdy brain something to focus on, and one day, all that information will help others. So get to grips with some of that techy stuff, and a little of the productivity know-how, but stay true to your vision and values because you don’t want to get caught up with colour coding when content and substance matter more!

Rapid Fire Questions

1. Fill in the blank ‘Empathy to me is’

   Choosing to be with someone else (in person/virtually), with their pain, without judgment or imposing anything (experience, opinion, ideas, etc.) into that space. Being present without pressure or demands.

2. What’s one question you’d ask your future self?

   Can you describe how you’re defining success for yourself now, compared to 2025, and why?

3. What’s one quote/song/movie/book that’s inspired or carried you through to today?

   Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

   Viktor E. Frankl

For Discussion:

Have you had a moment that tested AND affirmed your choice or decision? Whether it’s about caregiving or something else.

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© Carer Mentor, August 26, 2025. This concept/theory/poem is original to Carer Mentor™ VLChin Ltd. If you use it, please give credit and link to the original work. Thank you. www.carermentor.com

1. In her book, Brené Brown explains that this quote from a 1973 interview with Maya Angelou was initially a point of confusion and frustration for her. Brené had long been a champion of the importance of belonging, while Angelou's words seemed to propose the opposite. As she continued her work, she came to realise the truth and wisdom in Angelou's words.

“Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness—an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.” (From Brené Brown’s website)