I love this! The concept, the letter, the humor, the honesty and the wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing and for all you do! You truly are a Carer Mentor.❤️
Thanks for reading my letter, Karen. Yes, exactly we can be really hard on ourselves, especially when we're looking after someone, and when deep love is involved. So, a compassionate letter's like writing to support a good friend except we've the unique 'in our shoes' perspective!
Catching up on the posts I’ve saved, and I’m so glad I saved this one. I clutched my heart a few times while reading. What a powerful and brave decision you made back in 2017…what a journey since. Thank you for sharing this with us 💛
Thanks, Amy. ❤️ The experiences from 2015 to 2017 involved a lot of twists, flip-flopping ideas and spinning around in my mind. In hindsight, the decision not to pursue the role was probably more of a reality-check and 'relief' rather than about being 'brave.' I'd already tried to sustain the 'superwoman' ethos, trying to do everything and failing in 2015; absolute torture! Thanks for the empathetic resonance. xo
I jumped off a capitalist hamster wheel myself in 2022 to honor my body’s pounding down the door to get my attention. These types of jobs often make us feel trapped even as they pay the bills and then some. I maintain my word choice of brave! 🫶🏻 (but respect that another word might resonate more with you).
ohh you're so right, Amy! We don't know we're conditioned when we're in it! When Dad felt guilt-ridden about me being with them, I kept emphasising that while it was an ugly, horrible twist of circumstances, he and everything liberated me from sleepwalking further! They call them golden handcuffs for a reason. They're an illusion.
Aww thanks, I'm warmly accepting 'Brave' I appreciate you!
Thank you for being so clear about supporting caregivers, especially your own caregiving parts. ❤️🩹
Taking care of my mother after her traumatic brain injury, last year at this exact time, tested and affirmed my role as a caregiver in the end stage of her life . How everything unfolded was really hard, also there was such tremendous love— amongst my family, amazing support and love from my husband, and then two days before my mom died her ability to briefly comfort me when I was crying— she came out of the dementia for just a few moments to actually be a mom again. 😭 🫂 That was a tremendous gift for both of us.
I love the idea of writing a letter to my self back when things were really hard. Thank you for that idea.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, Heidi.
My heart goes out to you, especially right now, one year on. Those moments when you could be mother and daughter again must have been a real blessing. So precious.
You're very welcome. Sometimes catharsis is hugging ourselves when we needed it the most in the past.
Take care, the community network around Carer Mentor is wonderful. You'll find others you may like to connect to in these comments or as the series continues. best wishes xo
Victoria, such a heartled letter to your younger self. Holding you in the warmth and compassionate of who you are today. Because of your younger self, you are able to be in this space.
Empathy to me is holding space for someone in love and acceptance, no matter where they are in their life.
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein is one of my favorite books that shifted me to change how I was viewing the world after I lost my son. Enzo, the main character's dog said to his owner: "What you manifest is before you."
I could either stay neck deep in my grief or choose the path of my life. I'm so grateful I found my path.
I love this format. I haven't thought about doing this - both in terms of caring, my husband's brain injury and my long covid. It would be an insightful exercise for myself as well as making an interesting article as yours has. Thank you for sharing those tough decisions about jobs/locations etc that has to be made when you are facing a caring situation.
Thanks, Cali. I appreciate your resonance with the letter and the exercise. It's one of several exercises I've employed for myself over the years and with business clients - sometimes we don't realise just how far we've come, and grown! (especially with the really tough events!)
If you decide to write something for publication, let me know. I want to use the Carer Mentor platform to connect more carers - this is just one of the approaches I had in mind.
I have follow-ups of my own letters waiting in the wings for later too ;-)
I guess the key question to ponder is which you of the past would most need the wisdom of you today?
If I write that way about caring, I’ll let you know. The one that feels most pressing though is to write to myself when I was at the beginning of my long covid journey.
Such an honest, beautiful letter Victoria - even if you did leave alot out as you admitted to in you comment to Rachel! You've painted such a picture here of the huge changes, challenges and growth you've been on since 2018. I loved your Frankl quote, and also that wonderful Brene Brown one. I adore her writing, but haven't picked up her books for a while so thank you for that reminder and that quote. x
Yeah, a lot was coming in 2017-2018, and there's more than that, too. For me, the beauty of writing a letter, like this meant that I Could leave out the small everyday details. Those would arrive soon enough, and I'd be taxed many times over with emotions. So, this was a small catharsis, a form of self-mentoring.
Yes I've seen that post, and esp noted Frankl who i'm not aware of/not read. And of course, we certainly must leave lots out - we certainly couldn't say everything. It did feel like catharsis for you.
BTW I didn't say, but meant to, in my first comment how much I loved what you said about forgiving ourselves and being kind to ourselves when we essentially, lose it. Your honesty about your shouting back at your father was so helpful to hear. Its totally natural, totally understandable. I'd do the same I think! We get pushed to our limits as carers. Your growth mindset is exemplary, showing you're not willing to give in or give up, but grow.x
Thanks so much for those kind and encouraging words, Siobhan.
Yes, I'm hoping that we can share our truths, whatever they may be, and whatever we feel comfortable sharing. Grace and forgiveness are not easy to grasp when we're burdened by so much 'should-ing'
I'm a big nerdy researcher at heart! Curiosity, leadership training and sheer stubbornness to navigate forward have saved me many times over! Blessed. Thanks Siobhan! xo
I love how you describe the whole range of emotions here, Victoria, and how you prepare your younger self for hard times with reassurance and empowerment. It feels like your younger self would feel more confident to just be herself, and that she would feel more sure of herself in just going with her gut.
I especially like the forewarning regarding others’ reactions to your career decision. Something I’m sure your younger self would have been unprepared for.
Thank you for sharing , and baring your soul for us to see! It’s very powerful. Looking forward to the series - such a good idea.
When I was writing the letter, I realised I had to decide on what to tell or not tell my younger self. You see the end result in the letter, but of course my first instinct was to tell all...It was an interesting exercise, and I'm already wondering what letters to me in other time points would reveal.
"Every sun will rise and set, and you will continue beyond what you thought was your breaking point." Intensely beautiful, Victoria. This entire piece, spoken so eloquently, is so generously giving, while allowing space for your own heart to heal. There is no handbook for coming through such challenges. You lead with such grace. Thank you! And I'd say in response to your discussion question...becoming a mother affirmed my heart.
That was my mantra for nearly a whole year, just to know things that day would end and another day would begin. Although, some days were endless with paramedics called after midnight! I definitely exceeded my elastic point...and came to realise our humanity is an unimaginable source of renewable energy...we're not elastic bands!! ;-) (thank heavens!)
I appreciate your heartfelt words, and kindness. I feel your wisdom, and heart in your words.
What a great way to evolve with community, Victoria. I'd say to my younger self that when your heart and goals are big, patience and persistence to grow into them is part of life. Enjoy the windy pathways, say yes to opportunities and don't fret about mistakes. Sometimes the latter are important for the way forward. I live this philosophy fully- it has brought a lot of wonderful days into my ways.
And, wow, how did you put in place a code to be able to comment? lol
Such powerful words here, Victoria: "We may be unpicking the knots within the tapestry of our woven life, to fathom the meaning, to see the bigger picture and make sense of it all.
Maybe we’re seeing that red line that runs through, dipping in and around the other colours."
"Letters" is a great weaving project from old to young selves. Lately as I approach my 84th birthday next month, I've been thinking what my younger self would write to me. As an elder, I sometimes feel the lack of, well, many things. On the other hand, I have developed other abilities or powers that offset the loss. My younger self is more foolish, willing to take risks. Today I think I need HER to push me and cheer me on.
That's really interesting and a comforting insight, Kate! Could you elaborate a little on the 'abilities or powers that offset the loss'?
I remember some of my younger self's adventures, and now I cringe less ;-) Perhaps I appreciate the carefree way I dove in more now. Or maybe nostalgia has softened the sharp self-judgments.
I think the beauty of consulting with our younger selves is that we can call on all our lived experiences to make the most of now!?
Thanks, Victoria, for the push! Actually, I think my younger self wants me to know that it's okay and even, vital, to make mistakes as an elder when I "should" know better. As a young woman in my 20s and 30s, I felt entitled to think outside of the box, to push the limits and dare, to take risks. Comes with the territory, you might say, especially for young women during second wave feminism.
However, there is no way to escape the discomfort of that creative leap in life, no matter at what stage, young to old. That's the red, vital thread. The voice of my young self is dominating right now, providing the courage to keep going forward. My older self knows not to panic, to wait out the fears in launching a book, a project, an event, to believe in the wider context of spirit connection.
They are still talking! I think I need both, the yin and the yang (old and young).
I made 'should' a swear word around the same time as I resigned. I realised it signalled some expectation/social conditioning pressure I was putting on myself...I hadn't realised how much I used the word until then. So I hear you!
It sounds like you've made a lot of brave decisions; heart-FULL (Coeur) purpose.
Oh yes, absolutely! I'd like to think 'wise' is knowing more about our flaws and loving ourselves wholeheartedly. (Ref. Brené Brown)
Yes! Knowing more about our flaws while allowing that knowledge to give them purpose: what did we learn from them? How can we share that lesson with others? I so applaud your work in how deeply you share your authentic process of becoming.
Aww, thank you, Kate. Still a work-in-progress, still weaving forward. So glad I learnt about mindfulness; living in the now soothes my curious, itchy soul😁. ❤️
I love this! The concept, the letter, the humor, the honesty and the wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing and for all you do! You truly are a Carer Mentor.❤️
Thanks hon!
What a unique and powerful concept to write a note to your younger self. Thank you for sharing. I loved the wisdom and humor that threaded throughout.
Thanks for reading my letter, Karen. Yes, exactly we can be really hard on ourselves, especially when we're looking after someone, and when deep love is involved. So, a compassionate letter's like writing to support a good friend except we've the unique 'in our shoes' perspective!
Catching up on the posts I’ve saved, and I’m so glad I saved this one. I clutched my heart a few times while reading. What a powerful and brave decision you made back in 2017…what a journey since. Thank you for sharing this with us 💛
Thanks, Amy. ❤️ The experiences from 2015 to 2017 involved a lot of twists, flip-flopping ideas and spinning around in my mind. In hindsight, the decision not to pursue the role was probably more of a reality-check and 'relief' rather than about being 'brave.' I'd already tried to sustain the 'superwoman' ethos, trying to do everything and failing in 2015; absolute torture! Thanks for the empathetic resonance. xo
I jumped off a capitalist hamster wheel myself in 2022 to honor my body’s pounding down the door to get my attention. These types of jobs often make us feel trapped even as they pay the bills and then some. I maintain my word choice of brave! 🫶🏻 (but respect that another word might resonate more with you).
ohh you're so right, Amy! We don't know we're conditioned when we're in it! When Dad felt guilt-ridden about me being with them, I kept emphasising that while it was an ugly, horrible twist of circumstances, he and everything liberated me from sleepwalking further! They call them golden handcuffs for a reason. They're an illusion.
Aww thanks, I'm warmly accepting 'Brave' I appreciate you!
Thank you for being so clear about supporting caregivers, especially your own caregiving parts. ❤️🩹
Taking care of my mother after her traumatic brain injury, last year at this exact time, tested and affirmed my role as a caregiver in the end stage of her life . How everything unfolded was really hard, also there was such tremendous love— amongst my family, amazing support and love from my husband, and then two days before my mom died her ability to briefly comfort me when I was crying— she came out of the dementia for just a few moments to actually be a mom again. 😭 🫂 That was a tremendous gift for both of us.
I love the idea of writing a letter to my self back when things were really hard. Thank you for that idea.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, Heidi.
My heart goes out to you, especially right now, one year on. Those moments when you could be mother and daughter again must have been a real blessing. So precious.
You're very welcome. Sometimes catharsis is hugging ourselves when we needed it the most in the past.
Take care, the community network around Carer Mentor is wonderful. You'll find others you may like to connect to in these comments or as the series continues. best wishes xo
I’ll be tuning in, thank you, Victoria 💖
Victoria, such a heartled letter to your younger self. Holding you in the warmth and compassionate of who you are today. Because of your younger self, you are able to be in this space.
Empathy to me is holding space for someone in love and acceptance, no matter where they are in their life.
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein is one of my favorite books that shifted me to change how I was viewing the world after I lost my son. Enzo, the main character's dog said to his owner: "What you manifest is before you."
I could either stay neck deep in my grief or choose the path of my life. I'm so grateful I found my path.
Thank you!
Thank you, Janine! ❤️ Thank you for your kind words and resonance.
I look forward to reading your letter xoxo
Oh, there is such wisdom and compassion here. What a wonderful idea. Really looking forward to the rest of the series. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Bonnie! xoxo
You're very welcome. I'm sure you'll enjoy the letters coming from various authors. xo
I love this format. I haven't thought about doing this - both in terms of caring, my husband's brain injury and my long covid. It would be an insightful exercise for myself as well as making an interesting article as yours has. Thank you for sharing those tough decisions about jobs/locations etc that has to be made when you are facing a caring situation.
Thanks, Cali. I appreciate your resonance with the letter and the exercise. It's one of several exercises I've employed for myself over the years and with business clients - sometimes we don't realise just how far we've come, and grown! (especially with the really tough events!)
If you decide to write something for publication, let me know. I want to use the Carer Mentor platform to connect more carers - this is just one of the approaches I had in mind.
I have follow-ups of my own letters waiting in the wings for later too ;-)
I guess the key question to ponder is which you of the past would most need the wisdom of you today?
If I write that way about caring, I’ll let you know. The one that feels most pressing though is to write to myself when I was at the beginning of my long covid journey.
Such an honest, beautiful letter Victoria - even if you did leave alot out as you admitted to in you comment to Rachel! You've painted such a picture here of the huge changes, challenges and growth you've been on since 2018. I loved your Frankl quote, and also that wonderful Brene Brown one. I adore her writing, but haven't picked up her books for a while so thank you for that reminder and that quote. x
Thanks, Siobhan. xo
Yeah, a lot was coming in 2017-2018, and there's more than that, too. For me, the beauty of writing a letter, like this meant that I Could leave out the small everyday details. Those would arrive soon enough, and I'd be taxed many times over with emotions. So, this was a small catharsis, a form of self-mentoring.
FYI I'm not sure if you've seen my annual re-reads: https://www.carermentor.com/p/a-caregivers-top-ten-annual-re-reads
That's the full journey list of books, a personal toolkit that has evolved over the years.
Yes I've seen that post, and esp noted Frankl who i'm not aware of/not read. And of course, we certainly must leave lots out - we certainly couldn't say everything. It did feel like catharsis for you.
BTW I didn't say, but meant to, in my first comment how much I loved what you said about forgiving ourselves and being kind to ourselves when we essentially, lose it. Your honesty about your shouting back at your father was so helpful to hear. Its totally natural, totally understandable. I'd do the same I think! We get pushed to our limits as carers. Your growth mindset is exemplary, showing you're not willing to give in or give up, but grow.x
Thanks so much for those kind and encouraging words, Siobhan.
Yes, I'm hoping that we can share our truths, whatever they may be, and whatever we feel comfortable sharing. Grace and forgiveness are not easy to grasp when we're burdened by so much 'should-ing'
I'm a big nerdy researcher at heart! Curiosity, leadership training and sheer stubbornness to navigate forward have saved me many times over! Blessed. Thanks Siobhan! xo
I’m a chronic Should-er too! Hard to unlearn it after years but my husband and now my therapist are both helping me with that….
I love how you describe the whole range of emotions here, Victoria, and how you prepare your younger self for hard times with reassurance and empowerment. It feels like your younger self would feel more confident to just be herself, and that she would feel more sure of herself in just going with her gut.
I especially like the forewarning regarding others’ reactions to your career decision. Something I’m sure your younger self would have been unprepared for.
Thank you for sharing , and baring your soul for us to see! It’s very powerful. Looking forward to the series - such a good idea.
Thank you, Rachel.
When I was writing the letter, I realised I had to decide on what to tell or not tell my younger self. You see the end result in the letter, but of course my first instinct was to tell all...It was an interesting exercise, and I'm already wondering what letters to me in other time points would reveal.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments and support.
"Every sun will rise and set, and you will continue beyond what you thought was your breaking point." Intensely beautiful, Victoria. This entire piece, spoken so eloquently, is so generously giving, while allowing space for your own heart to heal. There is no handbook for coming through such challenges. You lead with such grace. Thank you! And I'd say in response to your discussion question...becoming a mother affirmed my heart.
Thanks, Mary Beth.❤️
That was my mantra for nearly a whole year, just to know things that day would end and another day would begin. Although, some days were endless with paramedics called after midnight! I definitely exceeded my elastic point...and came to realise our humanity is an unimaginable source of renewable energy...we're not elastic bands!! ;-) (thank heavens!)
I appreciate your heartfelt words, and kindness. I feel your wisdom, and heart in your words.
🙏🏼
What a great way to evolve with community, Victoria. I'd say to my younger self that when your heart and goals are big, patience and persistence to grow into them is part of life. Enjoy the windy pathways, say yes to opportunities and don't fret about mistakes. Sometimes the latter are important for the way forward. I live this philosophy fully- it has brought a lot of wonderful days into my ways.
And, wow, how did you put in place a code to be able to comment? lol
Thank you, Robin! xo
Those are really great pearls of wisdom, thank you for sharing! 'Patience and persistence to grow into them...' oohhh I was so impatient before!
I've said yes to many many opportunities and it's been a very windy - in a good way... so yes..'a lot of wonderful days into my ways' too!
Thank you, Robin!
Such powerful words here, Victoria: "We may be unpicking the knots within the tapestry of our woven life, to fathom the meaning, to see the bigger picture and make sense of it all.
Maybe we’re seeing that red line that runs through, dipping in and around the other colours."
"Letters" is a great weaving project from old to young selves. Lately as I approach my 84th birthday next month, I've been thinking what my younger self would write to me. As an elder, I sometimes feel the lack of, well, many things. On the other hand, I have developed other abilities or powers that offset the loss. My younger self is more foolish, willing to take risks. Today I think I need HER to push me and cheer me on.
Bless you for those kind words, Kate.
That's really interesting and a comforting insight, Kate! Could you elaborate a little on the 'abilities or powers that offset the loss'?
I remember some of my younger self's adventures, and now I cringe less ;-) Perhaps I appreciate the carefree way I dove in more now. Or maybe nostalgia has softened the sharp self-judgments.
I think the beauty of consulting with our younger selves is that we can call on all our lived experiences to make the most of now!?
Thanks, Victoria, for the push! Actually, I think my younger self wants me to know that it's okay and even, vital, to make mistakes as an elder when I "should" know better. As a young woman in my 20s and 30s, I felt entitled to think outside of the box, to push the limits and dare, to take risks. Comes with the territory, you might say, especially for young women during second wave feminism.
However, there is no way to escape the discomfort of that creative leap in life, no matter at what stage, young to old. That's the red, vital thread. The voice of my young self is dominating right now, providing the courage to keep going forward. My older self knows not to panic, to wait out the fears in launching a book, a project, an event, to believe in the wider context of spirit connection.
They are still talking! I think I need both, the yin and the yang (old and young).
Being "wise" doesn't mean one is flawless. lol
Those are beautiful reflections, Kate.
I made 'should' a swear word around the same time as I resigned. I realised it signalled some expectation/social conditioning pressure I was putting on myself...I hadn't realised how much I used the word until then. So I hear you!
It sounds like you've made a lot of brave decisions; heart-FULL (Coeur) purpose.
Oh yes, absolutely! I'd like to think 'wise' is knowing more about our flaws and loving ourselves wholeheartedly. (Ref. Brené Brown)
Yes! Knowing more about our flaws while allowing that knowledge to give them purpose: what did we learn from them? How can we share that lesson with others? I so applaud your work in how deeply you share your authentic process of becoming.
Aww, thank you, Kate. Still a work-in-progress, still weaving forward. So glad I learnt about mindfulness; living in the now soothes my curious, itchy soul😁. ❤️