"It takes courage to tell ourselves that we must survive AND implement action steps. I think our inner critic is louder than others. Perhaps it’s a raucous choir of dissonant voices, exceptionally good at guilt-complexing and scolding—frustrating ourselves on all sides. Sometimes, it may feel like you can’t do right by yourself or your loved one."
This really gets me, Victoria. I'm torn between caring for my mom, spending time with my family, growing my career, and caring for my mom. It never feels like it's enough but I know that I'm doing the best I can for her.
It doesn't take away the guilt but I'm trying. I'm taking time to care for me, which has been a game changer in being able to care for my mom. It's a repeat of when I cared for my son but different.
I appreciate your words and this community. Ollie's article really moved me!
Unfortunately the guilt, the 'greek chorus' narrating our every action is always there...BUT we're only human. I'm so glad to hear your including time for yourself, like I said in the article, it's not so that you can recharge for others, this is about valuing yourself as equally deserving. Our community mutual appreciation and support can help us remember that, I hope.xoxo
Thank you! Yes, I value caring for me and creativity. When I care for myself with exercise, nourishment, and sleep, it positively impacts my creativity!
You make so many important points in this piece. I think it's so important for caregivers to be able to step away, even for a short period of time. They really are heroes to me (as someone being cared for), but unlike the superheroes in comic books who can bend the laws of biology and physics, they're distinctly human. Thank you for shedding a light every week on what it's like to be a caregiver, and for helping other caregivers feel seen and validated!
Thanks, Chris. Exactly! I appreciate your support and all you share about your journey and challenges. Our humanity enables us to stretch beyond what our minds can comprehend. Something I know you're familiar with!
Thank you for these important reminders Victoria! I’ve gotten so much better about prioritizing myself a little bit every day - exercise is also my go-to. I haven’t quite figured out how to manage the overwhelm or stop should-ing myself though… baby steps.
I hear you, Anna! Sadly, I don't think the Greek chorus of voices can ever be completely silenced BUT let's keep bravely showing up for ourselves, like you've been doing!
For me, that was doing another stint on the treadmill this morning, automating myself to put on trainers to rebuild a habit...with my brain trying to hustle out of it the whole way🤣
as always, your writing is important work important message last week I spent in Connecticut trying to talk my mother into going to the hospital. She’s 91 very stubborn and wants to live life by her own accord however, she seriously needed to go to the hospital. I’m very adapted, sensing medical problems, especially cardiac due to my history with my congenital heart disease, daughter I knew she had plural fusion behind her lungs, and she had been complaining of back pain and I assumed it was back fractures, she couldn’t stand up to force it and call an ambulance even though some on the phone encouraging me to just call. It took me four days to get her to agree to go, but then she felt empowered that it was her decision as a very tough position to be put in very different from when I was caregiving my daughter, who was more compliant though she was too she knew and she trusted my intuition and decisions. People don’t expect to 91. My mom is sound of mind and she wants to direct her own destiny which I applaud. However, I kept saying to her you have to be realistic, you have to be realistic you need to go to the hospital anyway all I can tell you is it took almost as many days to heal since I’ve been home in Massachusetts as she has been treated in the hospital, she is now in rehab and I will be going back there when she goes home to make sure she has good support in the home once again and I will be creasing my visits out of state to see her it’s not easy to be a and caregiver keep your own calm and sense of self. There’s a lot of limbo and waiting and weighing out how to support the person, how to nudge them , and how to say you have to go to the hospital when you area caregiver.
Its enough to care for oneself and to get oneself out of denial when we need to be out of denial, but it’s even harder sometimes to get someone else out of denial.
It was very hard to be in that position, but somehow we got through it and my mom is much better now and she’s doing well and rehab and will hopefully make it back home, thanksfor all your writing and research. unfortunately her care in the hospital was a lot worse than it was three years ago she said- nurses are still nice but rather shortstaffed and abrupt sometimes and pain meds were hard to come by. Everyone’s afraid that you’ll become addicted. My mom is 91. It’s ridiculous to think she’ll become addicted to oxy if she’s on it for a few days, so they abruptly took her off. I’m just put her on Tylenol and she was in terrible pain.
A BIG Squishy warm hug. GEEZ! I'm so there with you hon!
My heart squeezed - yes I feel everything you said - in the last 6 months of Dad's life EVERY time he had angina, a bit of A-fib or even a full cardiac episode I had to argue with dad (an ex doctor) to call the paramedics...middle of the night, or I called and had to endure the crying and shouting..
So I really feel for you, especially because you're very aware of what cardiac issues are like.
You did amazingly well to get through to your Mum so she actually went having agreed with you. When you manage to get them to think it's their idea, or get them to really understand why...for non-carers I guess that would seem like a HUGE win, but then we know, the hard word of stress really starts...advocating for them in the hospital, orchestrating all her needs in an understaffed fraught, beeping environment.
I hear you. I feel for you SO much. I've been in very similar situations. Do what you feel's right ...I hope you can have time for yourself when you go back before she's discharged. I also hope you have the support you need for yourself and her. I'm here/on DM if you need to vent. Take care, dear one. As you said, you need to heal, recharge, sleep xo
Thanks for including me in your stack. It's important work you do here, and I'm honored to be part of it. It's tough work, and I think it's important to remember we're not alone. Thanks again.
Wonderful work
Thank you, Allan. Thinking of you during these difficult early days of grief. best wishes.
"It takes courage to tell ourselves that we must survive AND implement action steps. I think our inner critic is louder than others. Perhaps it’s a raucous choir of dissonant voices, exceptionally good at guilt-complexing and scolding—frustrating ourselves on all sides. Sometimes, it may feel like you can’t do right by yourself or your loved one."
This really gets me, Victoria. I'm torn between caring for my mom, spending time with my family, growing my career, and caring for my mom. It never feels like it's enough but I know that I'm doing the best I can for her.
It doesn't take away the guilt but I'm trying. I'm taking time to care for me, which has been a game changer in being able to care for my mom. It's a repeat of when I cared for my son but different.
I appreciate your words and this community. Ollie's article really moved me!
Sending you a BIG hug, Janine. You're not alone.
Unfortunately the guilt, the 'greek chorus' narrating our every action is always there...BUT we're only human. I'm so glad to hear your including time for yourself, like I said in the article, it's not so that you can recharge for others, this is about valuing yourself as equally deserving. Our community mutual appreciation and support can help us remember that, I hope.xoxo
Yes I was really moved by Ollie's article too!
Thank you! Yes, I value caring for me and creativity. When I care for myself with exercise, nourishment, and sleep, it positively impacts my creativity!
Sending you a big hug as well!
You make so many important points in this piece. I think it's so important for caregivers to be able to step away, even for a short period of time. They really are heroes to me (as someone being cared for), but unlike the superheroes in comic books who can bend the laws of biology and physics, they're distinctly human. Thank you for shedding a light every week on what it's like to be a caregiver, and for helping other caregivers feel seen and validated!
Thanks, Chris. Exactly! I appreciate your support and all you share about your journey and challenges. Our humanity enables us to stretch beyond what our minds can comprehend. Something I know you're familiar with!
Thank you for these important reminders Victoria! I’ve gotten so much better about prioritizing myself a little bit every day - exercise is also my go-to. I haven’t quite figured out how to manage the overwhelm or stop should-ing myself though… baby steps.
I hear you, Anna! Sadly, I don't think the Greek chorus of voices can ever be completely silenced BUT let's keep bravely showing up for ourselves, like you've been doing!
For me, that was doing another stint on the treadmill this morning, automating myself to put on trainers to rebuild a habit...with my brain trying to hustle out of it the whole way🤣
as always, your writing is important work important message last week I spent in Connecticut trying to talk my mother into going to the hospital. She’s 91 very stubborn and wants to live life by her own accord however, she seriously needed to go to the hospital. I’m very adapted, sensing medical problems, especially cardiac due to my history with my congenital heart disease, daughter I knew she had plural fusion behind her lungs, and she had been complaining of back pain and I assumed it was back fractures, she couldn’t stand up to force it and call an ambulance even though some on the phone encouraging me to just call. It took me four days to get her to agree to go, but then she felt empowered that it was her decision as a very tough position to be put in very different from when I was caregiving my daughter, who was more compliant though she was too she knew and she trusted my intuition and decisions. People don’t expect to 91. My mom is sound of mind and she wants to direct her own destiny which I applaud. However, I kept saying to her you have to be realistic, you have to be realistic you need to go to the hospital anyway all I can tell you is it took almost as many days to heal since I’ve been home in Massachusetts as she has been treated in the hospital, she is now in rehab and I will be going back there when she goes home to make sure she has good support in the home once again and I will be creasing my visits out of state to see her it’s not easy to be a and caregiver keep your own calm and sense of self. There’s a lot of limbo and waiting and weighing out how to support the person, how to nudge them , and how to say you have to go to the hospital when you area caregiver.
Its enough to care for oneself and to get oneself out of denial when we need to be out of denial, but it’s even harder sometimes to get someone else out of denial.
It was very hard to be in that position, but somehow we got through it and my mom is much better now and she’s doing well and rehab and will hopefully make it back home, thanksfor all your writing and research. unfortunately her care in the hospital was a lot worse than it was three years ago she said- nurses are still nice but rather shortstaffed and abrupt sometimes and pain meds were hard to come by. Everyone’s afraid that you’ll become addicted. My mom is 91. It’s ridiculous to think she’ll become addicted to oxy if she’s on it for a few days, so they abruptly took her off. I’m just put her on Tylenol and she was in terrible pain.
Hi Susan,
A BIG Squishy warm hug. GEEZ! I'm so there with you hon!
My heart squeezed - yes I feel everything you said - in the last 6 months of Dad's life EVERY time he had angina, a bit of A-fib or even a full cardiac episode I had to argue with dad (an ex doctor) to call the paramedics...middle of the night, or I called and had to endure the crying and shouting..
So I really feel for you, especially because you're very aware of what cardiac issues are like.
You did amazingly well to get through to your Mum so she actually went having agreed with you. When you manage to get them to think it's their idea, or get them to really understand why...for non-carers I guess that would seem like a HUGE win, but then we know, the hard word of stress really starts...advocating for them in the hospital, orchestrating all her needs in an understaffed fraught, beeping environment.
BIG hugs We're here for you hon xo
I hear you. I feel for you SO much. I've been in very similar situations. Do what you feel's right ...I hope you can have time for yourself when you go back before she's discharged. I also hope you have the support you need for yourself and her. I'm here/on DM if you need to vent. Take care, dear one. As you said, you need to heal, recharge, sleep xo
Thanks for including me in your stack. It's important work you do here, and I'm honored to be part of it. It's tough work, and I think it's important to remember we're not alone. Thanks again.
I love how you share the real raw deal, Jodi! We need your honesty and brave badass here in our community. BIG hug hon!