'The Eldercare Discussion'

Connection and Conversation. Questions and Resources.

Have you thought about broaching the topic of Eldercare with your parents or loved ones?

1. What specific words, phrases, or conversation starters have you used to initiate the discussions?

2. What worked or tanked and why? Can you share your learnings?

3. What emotions, interpersonal dynamics, and behaviours have you observed during these conversations, either from yourself or your loved one or as an observer?

4. Has the conversation evolved? Stalled? Have you managed to restart the conversation?

5. What connections, talks, and conversations are you having—with whom, how, when, and why?

1. Thank you,

Anne Helen Petersen

There was a great Eldercare discussion at Culture Study (Friday 19th April). Many of us shared thoughts, experiences and ideas.

Comfort, empathy and solidarity from both givers and receivers of eldercare.

Friday Thread: Everything You Know (and Need To Know) About Eldercare

This discussion highlighted that many adult children have had/are experiencing connection and conversation issues as their parents/loved ones become more frail, and the need to discuss Eldercare looms large.

There is a disconnect, a mismatch of expectations and intent, and, therefore, frustration, angst, and fear. Some phrases and words I’ve heard in forums and the discussion thread yesterday are: them and us, denial, dismissed, stubborn.

When frailties appear, so does the reality that we are mortal and vulnerable. In an individualist society, the thought of dependency on others is counterintuitive.

There are no easy answers, no standard solution, and no easy fix. I’ll share more of my experience in future articles. Talk, talk, and more talk with open, gentle curiosity is my number 1 recommendation. Have no assumptions, agenda or expectation of a one-conversation alignment deal done. This is not a project, a tick-box to be managed. It’s a life-changing, adapting and transitioning phase where MANY emotions and dynamics will appear. Try to create space for openly sharing ideas, and invest quality time in the conversations, questions will appear and signal you’re achieving more connection.

I’d invite anyone with experience or questions to write an article or comment below. We need to talk about this more and help each other. Below are some resources about conversations and Eldercare in general.

2. Resources shared in the comments:

a. From the comment by @Meredithpw : https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx (USA specific)

They have online resources/guides and directories for just about anything, and if you need to talk to someone to figure out WHAT resources might be helpful, you can call them. I knew some of the folks who staffed the Locator phone lines -- they're information/referral specialists and extremely kind and helpful. Their whole job is to help you navigate the system and get connected to people in your/your loved one's area who can help.

b. From the comment by @Taylor:

This is such a tough situation - sending support and commiseration. My mother in law passed last year after a 2 year cancer journey and despite being terminally ill, she also never wanted to talk about it. I went searching for resources and found a few to try to make things easier. We didn't get a chance to use them, but I'm putting them to work with my own parents to try and make both the emotional stuff (what's important to them, etc) and the logistical stuff (financial accounts, wills, etc.) easier.

• A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death

• The Conversation Project - Conversation Starter Guide https://theconversationproject.org/

• Five Wishes - https://www.fivewishes.org/

• The Farewelling Worksheet: Planning for Yourself - https://www.myfarewelling.com/checklist/advance-planning-for-yourself

• How to Prepare Your Digital Life for Your Death https://www.pcmag.com/how-to/how-to-prepare-your-digital-life-accounts-for-your-death

3. Other Carer Mentor articles (UK Specific)

Carers UK: 'Planning ahead, helping a loved one'

Resource: 'Book Tools for a Carer's Journey'.

Resource: 'Five Home-aids'

Useful links for advice, info and ideas

4. Other publications sharing great advice and resources (US specific) :

• Anna De La Cruz

  • Is Care Migration the Next Frontier? Or another bandaid for our broken care system?

  • Care Math: Girl Math has Nothing on these Stats. No one can make it make sense.

• Amy Brown
  In caring for ageing parents, can we see assisted living as assisted loving

  • Amy highlights the organisations - ‘Senior Living Selections’ and ‘A Place for Mom’

• Janice Walton
  Low on Money? Then what

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