Carers UK: 'Planning ahead, helping a loved one'
Carers UK: 'Planning ahead, helping a loved one'
Animation 'Managing someone else's affairs'
A useful video by Carers UK. This is a good place to start planning ahead.
My parents were very organised because for most of my adult life, Dad had a variety of fairly serious hospitalisations and operations. His congestive heart failure was exacerbated by various comorbid conditions like rheumatoid arthritis. So, at the end of every holiday, before I returned to university or work, Dad made me go through his ‘grey folder’ with him, where he wrote out all the instructions I was meant to follow upon his death—the ultimate pragmatist.
In that folder was a copy of his Will, Mum's Will, and the Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPA). I kicked a fuss in the very early days. In my early teenage years, I was inwardly riled at the morbid, details of the lecture, cringing every time. A few years later, I could see that Dad had a more urgent pressure and stress - he needed my reassurance.
It’s a jolt when you realise that, as the child, your parent is looking to you for support or answers or in this case, reassurance. I could tell he wanted me to demonstrate I understood his instructions and wishes. He needed me say it, that I understood, so he would know that we’d be okay-the responsible, sensible rock that he was.
In 2019 in the worst of times, when we managed to come up for air, they named me the sole advocate for each of them. When we sought legal advice, we realised the current set-up had them as advocates for each other’s affairs. However, that wasn’t realistic.
I’d been managing their affairs as a Carer but this simplified things. I could execute their wishes and champion their needs with greater authority and their blessing.
mobilise Guide to Lasting Powers of Attorney
Lasting Powers of Attorney (April 24, 2024) by Martin Lewis & Team at Money Saving Expert
The Which Guide: Wills and Power of Attorney
Government’s website; make, register or end a Lasting Power of Attorney
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I am so glad to have discovered your Substack, Victoria, as we grapple with similar issues as carers with of course differences as well, since you are in the UK with a greater (if still insufficient) government support system and I am in the U.S. (which offers close to zero support for unpaid family carers unless you are impoverished enough to qualify for Medicaid). We also differ in that I am longer my mom's full-time live-in caregiver, and I so admire and understand what that takes. I did that hands-on caregiving 24/7 for 10 months. Having her move in with over a year ago followed immediately and unexpectedly choosing to end my long marriage (she fell within weeks of my moving out). And so now, I was a full time caregiver for my mom with suddenly diminished physical capabilities and dementia that had gotten worse during her time in hospital and rehab. The situation gave me no space--physically, emotionally, practically--to rebound from that life transition as i was her sole caregiver except for a few hours a week my sister came over. But I love mom dearly, we have always been close and for that year I thought, this is what a good daughter does. But working from home full time, trying to cope with being suddenly alone after 33 years--my choice, but nonetheless, a lot to process--and caring for mom who was now incontinent in all ways, eating little, and had two incidents requiring paramedics to come (a fall where I couldn't lift her up and a vagus vasal fainting incident that I thought was a stroke), I realized this was a lot to cope with, more than i could handle. My quality of life was declining alongside hers. Fortunately Mom had resources and could move into memory care just 15 minutes from me. She is getting good care and I am now back to being able to care for myself, too. She is fortunate in that she had private financial resources to afford this facility. Many people have no choice. So thank you so much for offering so many practical resources for us carers!