Collaboration: 'Caring About Crying'

We All Cry. You are not alone. ‘Tears are the words your heart needs to speak.'

Hello, Dear Reader! Thank you for spending some of your precious time with me.

Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

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Today, we’re raising the curtain on the Carer Mentor Collaboration

The ‘Spark’:

A tiny spark was ignited—maybe a collaboration? The topic and the idea burned bright into a ‘Jerry Maguire ’-like Moment in a Google doc. A special invitation was made. Now, we’re a 13-team member strong collaboration. We don’t know what will emerge, but we’ll have fun. We'll create team dynamics to engage and deepen how we treat a topic—connecting in empathy and inspiring deeper conversations.

You can read more about the collaboration journey here.

We’re not giving it great fanfare or fireworks.

Because, …it’s something commonplace, normal.

Something inherently human and yet so rarely fully embraced. 

Something we’re conditioned to hide. 

Is it a positive or a negative? Let’s see what our writers/creatives say!

This month, we invite you to engage and be curious about a topic we don’t mindfully think about or openly discuss.

Caring about Crying.

A heart shows I Care. Tears are the words your heart needs to speak

‘Tears are the words your heart needs to speak.’ - Victoria.

Contents:

• Why did I choose this topic? The four articles sparked curiosity and opened a big door.

• The reflections, thoughts and questions are deep.

• The deep and diverse questions need a team.

• Dear readers, please care and share a question or thought.

• Your Turn: A discussion thread Q&A with the team (September 28 to October 1)

• Can you spot all 13 members over September?

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Why did I choose this topic?

Four articles sparked my attention and inspired a small ‘Jerry Maguire’ moment. You can read about ‘how’ the team assembled here: Carer Mentor’s collaboration journey (aka the countdown article).

1. Don't Be Sad, He Said. Putting the Cancer Grief into a Box. In March,

   Kristina Adams Waldorf, MD
   vulnerably shared her tears of anticipatory grief, how her husband shifted into tears of joy and laughter and how she compassionately recalibrated her expectations.

This seemed like an imprinted ‘heart’ moment in Kristina’s journey, enabled by tears.

2. Good News! I Cry Pretty Now Progress. . . I Guess an article by ANNE in May highlighted how crying in public feels like a big ‘no-no’.

People don’t want you crying, so if they can only see your eyes, they can’t be sure.  I mean, they might be sure, especially if your shoulders are shaking and you are hiccupping and gulping, but they will tell themselves they can’t be sure, sure because that is better, safer, than the alternative - which would be to talk to an old lady who is sobbing. This is already a fate almost certainly worse than death.  I mean unless it’s your nana or something.  Otherwise, we keep our pretend blinders on and walk by that shoulder shaking, sniveling lady and we just keep right on walking!! 

I was struck by the truth Anne highlights here: 'We keep our pretend blinders on and walk by.’ My heart ached, and my empathy swelled. Why don’t we reach out to each other? Would you step forward, inquire, and listen?

3. Memorial Planning as a Way to Avoid Grief Processing. I'm not actually recommending it. By ANNA DE LA CRUZ

The day after my dad’s memorial, I’ll be on a flight to Buenos Aires, Argentina. I might cry the whole flight, with no more logistics to occupy my energy (also, what is it about airplanes and tears?)

Anna’s publication is GenXandwich.

[Anna is a] ‘mom of three kids 10 and under, daughter to parents with dementia, and sister and guardian to a brother with Downs Syndrome. I’ve spent most of my career in philanthropy, global health and gender equity.’

I appreciated her wisdom and observations.

Her article made me ponder our need to compartmentalise tears and grief to get things done.

I remembered all my flights between the UK and Brussels in the early days of my caregiving journey. The liminal spaces I chose to cry.

The dam burst, wrung me out too dry and left me hollowed out. How often can a person do that?

4. Sacred Tears How to be with others as they cry By CHRISTINE VAUGHAN DAVIES at Journeying Alongside

Christine’s article was the final piece that inspired me to write a collaboration invitation to other writers and Substack friends.

She helps us consider how we receive tears and how we can help others and BE present.

A door was opened. Have I (intentionally and unintentionally) blanked myself on my crying? Why?

Even scheduling a good cry feels too hard sometimes. This was my reaction to Christine’s article.

When I did get respite time, I let it out...it's difficult to 'synch up' a release with respite time, although I know lots of good tearjerker movies that helped...thankfully the times I did get to be with close friends, the floodgates opened in the safe environment. Once they start, they don't stop, and the heartache-hangover is very real...I think that's why many caregivers hold back because if you have to get back into the routine, chase appointments, etc., without additional hands-on support, there's no 'appropriate' pause for crying, no matter what logic says because we have to keep going, it feels like an energy and time expensive exercise when everything is urgent, AND you feel yuck and nothing changes. Hence, caregiver burnout is so prevalent. THIS is why I did walk-run-walk-run run-walks etc.

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The reflections, thoughts and questions are deep.

• Like caring, crying is a species activity - a biological, physiological experience, an essential part of being human. So, why are we embarrassed or awkward when we cry?

• Are we conditioned to feel shame for our crying? Where did that come from?

• Can we talk more about crying? Do other caregivers feel like me about crying?

• Crying can be a relational experience. Crying together can be a powerful bonding experience, but why does it take a crisis to share tears?

• Is there a catharsis, a transformative experience every time we cry?

• Is there a baseline ‘healthy’ amount of tears we must shed to stay sane—like hours of sleep?

• What are the cultural differences and experiences of crying?

• Intersectionality¹ . Who’s written and researched about LGBTQIA+ experiences, people who have chronic illness/condition, or those who are highly sensitive or neurodivergent? When normalising crying, let’s be curious, kind and open.

• How can we train ourselves to be better receivers of tears?

• Let’s avoid pathologising or mocking anyone who doesn’t cry—who knows what they’ve been through; we’re all human and can be gently curious and kind.

• What could we do to create an empathetic space and psychological safety for others to cry?

• How do others experience tears? It’s been a messy, non-binary experience. It's not happy or sad but a weird, joy-bitter, sweet-grief release and hangover!

These questions and my immense curiosity pushed me to invite others to collaborate.

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The deep and diverse questions need a team.

Thirteen of us are sharing our experiences, opening up the discussion and inviting opinions on this very human topic.

This month, you’ll see various articles, threads, notes, reflections, and resources.

You’ll see the Carer Mentor logos appear.

Through this collaboration, we hope our publications will expand the breadth and depth of perspectives about Crying.

We hope to stimulate lots of engagement so that you can share YOUR views

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Dear readers, please care and share a question or thought.

We’ll incorporate and quote them in our pieces.

Let’s be curious and mindful about tears.

We are all unique, but we all cry. You’re not alone.

I’ll get the tissues ready.

Share a question on notes. Post it here or in a team member’s collaboration article.

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Your Turn: A discussion thread Q&A with the team

From September 28 to October 1, we invite you to share your thoughts about crying and any experience you’d like to highlight.

Dear Readers, we hope the questions, insights and thoughts will spark your curiosity.

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The Collaboration closes on Tuesday, October 1.

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE to show ‘You Care’ too.

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‘Caring about Crying. We All Cry. You’re Not Alone.’

The Collaboration Contents Page. (Sept. 2024)

Background:

Going Live Tomorrow! The Carer Mentor Collaboration Countdown article.

These four articles sparked the ‘Jerry Maguire’ invitation to collaborate.

1. Don't Be Sad, He Said. Putting the Cancer Grief into a Box by KRISTINA ADAMS WALDORF, MD  at After He Said Cancer

2. Good News! I Cry Pretty Now Progress. . . I Guess By ANNE at The Future Widow

3. Memorial Planning as a Way to Avoid Grief Processing. I'm not actually recommending it. By ANNA DE LA CRUZ at GenXandwich

4. Sacred Tears How to be with others as they cry By CHRISTINE VAUGHAN DAVIES at Journeying Alongside

September Anthology Index:

The Caring About Crying Anthology. We All Cry. You’re Not Alone.

[The work of thirteen team members will be indexed here]

1. Sept 1 Launch article: Caring About Crying. We All Cry. You’re Not Alone By Victoria at Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration

2. Sept 2 Crying: 'Did you know?' Resource: Tears the science and some art. By Victoria at Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration

3. Sept 3 'Cry, Baby. Why Our Tears Matter' A Podcast Interview. Dan Harris and Dr Bianca Harris of Ten Percent Happier with Reverend Benjamin Perry. By Victoria at Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration

4. Sept 4 ‘In Conversation with Rev. Benjamin Perry’. Victoria interviews the Author of 'Cry Baby: Why Our Tears Matter' By Victoria at Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration

….this is just the beginning of a month-long series

P.S. Happy Labor Day weekend to readers in the USA!

1. From Merriam Webster Dictionary website: the complex, cumulative way in which the effects of multiple forms of discrimination (such as racism, sexism, and classism) combine, overlap, or intersect especially in the experiences of marginalized individuals or groups

[Kimberlé] Crenshaw introduced the theory of intersectionality, the idea that when it comes to thinking about how inequalities persist, categories like gender, race, and class are best understood as overlapping and mutually constitutive rather than isolated and distinct. —Adia Harvey Wingfield