Your article is very helpful and I plan to dig deeper.

I’m neck deep in care for my mom. I have three siblings but as the only with the ‘flexible’ writing career, I handle taking her to her appointments.

I have tried two time to get support in home with grants and meeting staff. Both times my mom has refused and one of my siblings supports her thinking you can’t trust anyone.

My health has deteriorated over the past year of this journey. My mom says she needs outside help.

How do I share my frustration and health concerns with her so she knows the stress I’m under but without her thinking she’s a burden?

I’ve come to her with love but it’s been very hard to be patient. Our relationship and sibling relationships have suffered.

I appreciate your candor and information!

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Hi Janine - firstly, a BIG hug and huge empathy. You've become the 'assumed' carer and then you're being told what to do. EWWWW. I really feel for you. I'm an only child - that has its own issues, but I've seen how siblings get conflicted fast. It's a fraught time for the whole family, but the one in the tightest spot is the one doing the doing!!!

I've several thoughts but first a few questions:

I'm based in the UK but I know in the US there are health directives - who has the 'executive'/ directive power for your Mum?

Have you all discussed your Mum's wishes together or has it been piece by piece? Has she written and expressed them to you all?

Is she living on her own?

With these questions you don't have to answer here - I'm nudging in the direction that on the one hand she's said she wants outside help, and on the other, she refused the support you've orchestrated, and then a sibling refutes it too. Alignment, clarity and written wishes help in a BIG way

BUT I'm sensing that you're the one running around trying to make everything ok trying to 'spare' your Mum being hurt...Actually, gentle but firm, honest vulnerable conversations with your Mum and either simultaneously with your siblings, can bring things to a head so you can all move on constructively together...with your Mum's safety, dignity and comfort in mind AND Yours too...

Everyone second guessing each other, not saying what needs to be said compounds issues..in my opinion, based on what i've seen/heard...EVEN when the parent has dementia they can feel things, and if this is your mother's case, she'll feel extra-frustrated not being able to express things...

IF you feel you don't know what to say - write it as a letter, revise, be clear on your points of concern for her, for you for your siblings...and how you talk/share this and if its sequential...is a whole other question...

That's a lot there - and it may not be at all applicable!!! Every situation is different and I don't want you to think I know best - I DEFINITELY DO NOT!...If you want DM me in Chat. For free subscribers I like to try and help if I can..

It's been a long day tho so if this is a bit garbled sorry!!

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