I read this a while ago and wanted to leave a comment but was too depleted at that time. Now I want to comment on the grueling period you went through, with your heart torn in between your job in Belgium and your father in the UK. When your brain blanked out at the job, it was like a dissociative moment. In Chinese there is a phrase: "The soul and spirit has dissipated." I imagine that's how you felt in those moments when your thoughts flew to your parents' side. What an ordeal!
It is super fortunate that Beligum has medical leave for caregivers and your job agreed to hold the job for a year while you went home to care for your father. It's amazing! Compared to that, the U.S. has none of that. Yes, we can take leaves to care for a family member but it is very strictly applied and it is unpaid. The employee also has to report back frequently the days when they take the leave for insurance purposes, and that really makes it more stressful.
You have grown a lot in your caregiving role and can now share with others to help them navigate this difficult journey.
I like this quote:
'When you have the knowledge and feel the pain, it feels like a moral obligation to help and warn others about it!'
Kudos to you for stepping into this moral obligation!
Thank you, Louisa. I appreciate you so much for your heartfelt empathy and support.
I didn't know that phrase as I don't speak Mandarin/Cantonese, but it's a beautiful way to express how my meaningful soul was lost.
The cold science explanation was that I was 'frozen' in the whole fight-flight-freeze response. That 3rd point is often forgotten, but we use the 'Deer in headlights' expression all the time. I love and prefer your spiritual explanation because it speaks to how empty and lost I felt.
Yes, UK is exactly the same expect now, in April 2024 - The Carers Leave Act comes into force It 'has now received Royal Assent and will become law. The law will come into force from 6 April 2024. This new Act will give unpaid carers balancing unpaid care with paid employment the legal right to five days of unpaid carer’s leave.'
According to a recent news item I saw it's taken 12 years of lobbying to get THE RIGHT to have 5 days unpaid leave...SO I truly feel blessed that I was in Brussels, Belgium - yay! I needed that leave and the 'Space' . It wasn't really space as you'll read in the articles to follow but it gave me the opportunity to be with my parents.
Everyone deserves and needs to feel open to make their own choice about work, caregiving and what they do in life. Having the RIGHT to take leave for caregiving is a must in my book. (soapboxing alert ;-) ) I don't tell anyone ever that they have to do caregiving, there must be choices in life, I feel infrastructure, policies and community support needs to be orchestrated. We both know that's idealistic, I'm hopeful but have faith in individuals and our ability to connect more than changing the world,
Thank you, Louisa! If I can help 1 person with something to do with caregiving each day, I'm exceeding my expectations..to date I'm close to that now!
Awww, I'm so glad that the Chinese expression 魂魄散了 (which I first learned by hearing my grandma describe her state of mind when extremely scared) speaks to you and fills in the gap of what might be missing in the Western interpretation in the form of the fight-flight-freeze response.
Hooray to the passage of caregivers leave legislation in the UK! 5 days is miserly, but it's a start and an important signal for change. I hope that the number of days will lengthen in time.
Your mission to help other caregivers was born out of personal painful experiences. I see how this has given your life deep meaning and purpose. You are such an inspiration!
Thanks Louisa, I appreciate your observations and empathy. Yes, we're not born knowing our purpose, only by walking forward does it reveal itself we each have our strengths and gifts. Sharing your experiences using your gifts for words and reflections help diaspora and many others needing to feel seen & heard.xo
I love your use of the words spin cycle to describe the mental anguish you were going through feeling unable to do both work and caregiving. It just says it all. Thank you for sharing your very difficult story. PS- I’m going to get a “go bag” for my mother-in-law.’s frequent visits in the healthcare system. What a simple but brilliant idea!
Hi Nancy, Thank you so much! You just helped me fulfil my daily mission-goal, of providing direct support to another caregiver by using the 'go-bag' idea. YAY.
FYI a couple of essentials for the go bag: pyjamas (not nightdress - because it's difficult to remove or rides up), wet wipes, small flannel (not big towel), half-full box of tissues that can act as a collect-all on the over-bed roll table...so many tips...just a few that can help.
The lists I mentioned, Medical diagnoses and medications with allergies, are 2 Excel sheets. Dad's was very long. I have similar ones for Mum now.
I'd appreciate your free-subscription and any questions you may have, that could help guide the focus of future articles.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate in many ways and still grapple with the balancing act of being as present as possible and juggling a career. The interpersonal relationship is a bit more complex but the core issues remain: how to take care of yourself and them at the same time. The movement recommendation for me is the most critical and where I fall behind.
Thanks, Kerri. I hear you! But please don't be hard on yourself. Some days back in 2015, I did 10k steps just caring for Dad. I just hope you find a few moments to yourself. Take care.
Very emotive article which at times was painful to read, but I could relate totally. Your love for your parents shines through. I totally understand being torn between a demanding career and your deep love of your parents. I am so glad that you had a close work friend who could offer support and empathy. I do think we should all try to understand the issues many face (and it will increase) when we are trying to negotiate caring and a demanding job.
Thanks, Helena. I appreciate your comment. I'm blessed and so grateful to my chosen family.
Everyone has a unique journey and situation. I hope that through this article, someone will be able to break their spin cycle of torture a little sooner by using the resources or talking with friends.
Victoria, I’m so sorry that you and your family experienced all of this
Thanks, Kelsey. I appreciate your empathy. Unfortunately, this was just the 'Prelude'. There's more.
I read this a while ago and wanted to leave a comment but was too depleted at that time. Now I want to comment on the grueling period you went through, with your heart torn in between your job in Belgium and your father in the UK. When your brain blanked out at the job, it was like a dissociative moment. In Chinese there is a phrase: "The soul and spirit has dissipated." I imagine that's how you felt in those moments when your thoughts flew to your parents' side. What an ordeal!
It is super fortunate that Beligum has medical leave for caregivers and your job agreed to hold the job for a year while you went home to care for your father. It's amazing! Compared to that, the U.S. has none of that. Yes, we can take leaves to care for a family member but it is very strictly applied and it is unpaid. The employee also has to report back frequently the days when they take the leave for insurance purposes, and that really makes it more stressful.
You have grown a lot in your caregiving role and can now share with others to help them navigate this difficult journey.
I like this quote:
'When you have the knowledge and feel the pain, it feels like a moral obligation to help and warn others about it!'
Kudos to you for stepping into this moral obligation!
Thank you, Louisa. I appreciate you so much for your heartfelt empathy and support.
I didn't know that phrase as I don't speak Mandarin/Cantonese, but it's a beautiful way to express how my meaningful soul was lost.
The cold science explanation was that I was 'frozen' in the whole fight-flight-freeze response. That 3rd point is often forgotten, but we use the 'Deer in headlights' expression all the time. I love and prefer your spiritual explanation because it speaks to how empty and lost I felt.
Yes, UK is exactly the same expect now, in April 2024 - The Carers Leave Act comes into force It 'has now received Royal Assent and will become law. The law will come into force from 6 April 2024. This new Act will give unpaid carers balancing unpaid care with paid employment the legal right to five days of unpaid carer’s leave.'
According to a recent news item I saw it's taken 12 years of lobbying to get THE RIGHT to have 5 days unpaid leave...SO I truly feel blessed that I was in Brussels, Belgium - yay! I needed that leave and the 'Space' . It wasn't really space as you'll read in the articles to follow but it gave me the opportunity to be with my parents.
Everyone deserves and needs to feel open to make their own choice about work, caregiving and what they do in life. Having the RIGHT to take leave for caregiving is a must in my book. (soapboxing alert ;-) ) I don't tell anyone ever that they have to do caregiving, there must be choices in life, I feel infrastructure, policies and community support needs to be orchestrated. We both know that's idealistic, I'm hopeful but have faith in individuals and our ability to connect more than changing the world,
Thank you, Louisa! If I can help 1 person with something to do with caregiving each day, I'm exceeding my expectations..to date I'm close to that now!
Awww, I'm so glad that the Chinese expression 魂魄散了 (which I first learned by hearing my grandma describe her state of mind when extremely scared) speaks to you and fills in the gap of what might be missing in the Western interpretation in the form of the fight-flight-freeze response.
Hooray to the passage of caregivers leave legislation in the UK! 5 days is miserly, but it's a start and an important signal for change. I hope that the number of days will lengthen in time.
Your mission to help other caregivers was born out of personal painful experiences. I see how this has given your life deep meaning and purpose. You are such an inspiration!
Thanks Louisa, I appreciate your observations and empathy. Yes, we're not born knowing our purpose, only by walking forward does it reveal itself we each have our strengths and gifts. Sharing your experiences using your gifts for words and reflections help diaspora and many others needing to feel seen & heard.xo
❤️🙏💯 So well said and true. I find that my long and pain-filled path has crystalized my sense of purpose, only after 5 decades on earth 😅
I love your use of the words spin cycle to describe the mental anguish you were going through feeling unable to do both work and caregiving. It just says it all. Thank you for sharing your very difficult story. PS- I’m going to get a “go bag” for my mother-in-law.’s frequent visits in the healthcare system. What a simple but brilliant idea!
Hi Nancy, Thank you so much! You just helped me fulfil my daily mission-goal, of providing direct support to another caregiver by using the 'go-bag' idea. YAY.
FYI a couple of essentials for the go bag: pyjamas (not nightdress - because it's difficult to remove or rides up), wet wipes, small flannel (not big towel), half-full box of tissues that can act as a collect-all on the over-bed roll table...so many tips...just a few that can help.
The lists I mentioned, Medical diagnoses and medications with allergies, are 2 Excel sheets. Dad's was very long. I have similar ones for Mum now.
I'd appreciate your free-subscription and any questions you may have, that could help guide the focus of future articles.
Thank you so much! I believe I subscribed but will confirm. And, I’ll be sure to engage and ask questions.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate in many ways and still grapple with the balancing act of being as present as possible and juggling a career. The interpersonal relationship is a bit more complex but the core issues remain: how to take care of yourself and them at the same time. The movement recommendation for me is the most critical and where I fall behind.
Thanks, Kerri. I hear you! But please don't be hard on yourself. Some days back in 2015, I did 10k steps just caring for Dad. I just hope you find a few moments to yourself. Take care.
Very emotive article which at times was painful to read, but I could relate totally. Your love for your parents shines through. I totally understand being torn between a demanding career and your deep love of your parents. I am so glad that you had a close work friend who could offer support and empathy. I do think we should all try to understand the issues many face (and it will increase) when we are trying to negotiate caring and a demanding job.
Thanks, Helena. I appreciate your comment. I'm blessed and so grateful to my chosen family.
Everyone has a unique journey and situation. I hope that through this article, someone will be able to break their spin cycle of torture a little sooner by using the resources or talking with friends.