'How can I feel happier or more grateful?'

Enemies of gratitude and how to cultivate a habit to feel happier and more grateful.

Hello, Dear Reader! Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

---

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you seemingly have everything you need yet still feel a sense of emptiness or confusion? You might ask yourself, ‘Why am I not feeling more grateful?’ or ‘Why am I not happier or more grateful for what I’ve got?’.

‘The Enemies of Gratitude’. Shankar Vedantam’s ‘Hidden Brain’ podcast interview with Prof. Thomas Gilovich of Cornell University.

One of the mysteries of human behaviour is that it’s often easier to focus on what’s going wrong than on what’s good in our lives. Why is that? Psychologist Thomas Gilovich studies the barriers that prevent us from feeling gratitude, and how we can overcome them. - Hidden Brain Website

A Summary of the podcast

In this episode of Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam and psychologist Thomas Gilovich discuss the various psychological barriers that prevent us from feeling and expressing gratitude as we should.

The conversation begins with an examination of our tendency to focus on the obstacles and challenges we face in life. This is referred to as focusing on the 'headwinds'. We are often acutely aware of these headwinds and the effort they require from us to overcome them. However, this focus on the challenges means we often overlook the 'tailwinds' - the advantages, privileges, and opportunities that propel us forward. These tailwinds, require less effort from us, are easy to ignore and forget, so we have less appreciation, less gratitude for them.

We tend to think our burdens are heavier than those of others because ‘we are intimately familiar with our own troubles and anxieties, but only see a fraction of what others go through.’ This skewed perception can lead to feelings of resentment and entitlement, both of which undermine the gratitude we could feel for what we already have, despite our burdens.

Research suggests that expressing gratitude can lead to a more enduring sense of satisfaction, especially when it’s connected to ‘shared experiences’. Shared experiences foster connections with others, build our identity, and are less prone to comparison. This is more enriching than material possessions.

Shankar and Thomas Gilovich urge listeners to actively cultivate the habit of recognising and expressing gratitude. This can be achieved by seeking out a broader perspective, actively recognising our tailwinds, and combating our self-centered views. If we do this, we can foster a broader view of life and its many blessings, and in turn increase our capacity for gratitude.

Capturing meaningful reflections and gratitude in darkness

My parents and I have faced MANY headwinds since 2015.

Dad’s hospitalisation destabilised his heart failure and led to a diagnosis of vascular dementia. He was then diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2016. This discombobulated his medications, aggravated his heart condition, his dementia and he needed cancer surgery twice. Yet, he soldiered on, despite all of that. Even when his rheumatoid arthritis flared-ups, his ankle bones ground in pain with each step he took, and he fell in the house, on the stairs or out of bed. He kept going, so did we.

Like many caregivers our new norm, was made up of a perpetual state of exhaustion, adrenalin spikes, and hospital/doctor appointments while trying to sustain some calm.

My caregiving role crescendoed as the situation became more untethered. I was the crisis management leader, coordinator, fixer, communication department, nurse and 24/7 emergency monitoring system. Plus, as one Carers UK-forum friend puts it ‘the outboard engine for the wheelchair’.

Despite all the hardship, turmoil and hellish events I didn’t ‘just survive’. Traumatic grief starts before the passing, but thanks to my timeline exercise, my digital photos, ‘venting/updating’ emails to friends-family, and journals I can see and read about moments of deep gratitude and joy. We didn’t have them every day, but they’re recorded. These were the moments where I could ‘be the daughter.’

These moments were not when I was showering him or helping him in the toilet - those were the clinical detachment, nurse moments. They weren’t when we were in ‘full flow’ hamster-wheeling our care-routine. They were the in-between moments.

I try to draw warmer memories from before 2015 but for now, they’re obscured by all things caregiving, and lack depth and colour.

I’d take Dad in the wheelchair for a short ‘walk’. The photo of his face upturned to the sun, a video of him slowly removing his baseball cap to feel the sun on his face. Sitting savouring the warmth of the sunlight and fresh air. These are tattooed on my mind and heart. Small, powerful and poignant.

I don’t count them, there’s no equation or balance sheet. ‘Living in the small moments’ has a much more powerful connotation for me these days. Fully sensitised, fully feeling, not struggling, open to the grief-love that floods in. A bright moment, captured, gently held with fragile-love-gratitude. The memory echoes in full technicolour.

AND SO, actively cultivating the habit of recognising and expressing gratitude is how we can feel happier and more grateful for what we have.

Don’t pursue happiness as a goal, you’ll fail. Try to prime yourself to recognise and record the moments everyday.

Good karma, timing, serendipity aka the light that

Karen Walrond

shines, led me to 365grateful.com There is a great synchronicity in life if you’re open to it!

Hailey and Andrew Bartholomew live with their two daughters about two minutes walk from the beach in Australia. Along with the 365 Grateful project, they run www.iliketobeme.com which contains resources aimed at helping kids with their identity and self-esteem, and also a very busy film-making and photography business www.youcantbeserious.com.au

I dare you not to be inspired by these short videos by Hailey. There are more on the website, but you may need tissues for those.

This last video will resonate with at least 3 Carer Mentor readers who mentioned hearts and beaches, in their own articles, over the last two weeks.

….Walking my why, Carer Mentor style, I shared this empathy, inspiration and hope with another caregiver, Susan Marte. Here is a short introduction to her ‘Joy and Delight’

'Grateful for Joy and Delight' by

Susan Marte

When

Victoria

at Carer Mentor mentioned 365grateful to me, I got curious. I’ve been writing about my experience as a caregiver for a while now.

It started as 100 Days of Joy and Delight amidst the difficulty of caregiving. I loved having this focus outside of looking after my mother. After the 100th post, I continued writing weekly and found my photos of morning walks were a sustaining part of finding joy and delight even though my writing became more practical. I have a strong gratitude practice and immersion into gratitude is a baseline for me. I can feel angry and grateful. Bereft and grateful. Completely overwhelmed and grateful. Gratitude sits side by side with almost everything for me. I wanted to use the idea of 365grateful to get back into the practice of joy and delight using a photo from my day. Whereas I could just do a post and attach a photo, I loved the idea of printing them out as a photo journal of sorts, a visual reminder of how much joy and delight there is in my day to day. There’s a plywood wall in my clinic and for years I’ve been wanting to paint it with something but nothing ever resonated. It is now my Joy and Delight visual journal. Like with gratitude, when I wander through my day, I am looking out through a different lens. Having this practice keeps me grounded and reminds me we have the choice in how we look at things.

It’s not about glossing over what’s hard or difficult but more about being aware in our daily lives that amidst the difficulty there is joy and delight and I am grateful for those reminders.

Here’s Susan’s Publication: A Caregiver’s Life and the ‘Joy and Delight’ Wall Journal.

Thank you for sharing Susan!

I hope this article has demonstrated, the importance of being mindful, and intentional about appreciating the present moments. Seeking gratitude now, helps us see and feel the happiness, AND capture meaningful memories for the future.

For ourselves, for our loved ones how can we make these moments count? What can you do to mark them with gratitude? Photos, videos, photo albums that you can share and reminisce over?

Perhaps you can help a loved one write their story: The Lifestory Project. it’s less about the finished product, more about the quality time, and journey of creation, and collaboration.

Dementia Awareness Week in the UK is 13th - 19th of May. For those of us touched by dementia in our families, I’m sending you a BIG empathetic hug. I hope some inspiration here has helped you.

When we’re sensitised to the ‘now’ we can worry less about trying to construct/manufacture happiness, or an occasion. Whatever you do will be a new opportunity for sharing love and gratitude for each other. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Remember that what may be in your head as a way to ‘make meaningful moments’ may not be what someone else wants. Try to be curiously open and kind with yourself and those around you.

Pursuing happiness undermines your wellbeing but mindfulness can multiply it. When you’re sitting in the dark, others can help you see the glimmers of light.

Victoria CarerMentor

Here’s a beautiful reminder of the work we do together in Carer Mentor that transcends words.

'Music Memory is more powerful than words.'

I’m so grateful to be amongst you, and be collaborating in this community.

Thank you dear readers for all your support. I hope you’ll subscribe if you haven’t already. If you can please support my work through a paid subscription so I can support even more caregivers.

Spread the word wherever you can. Thank you!