Thanks to Susan for her contribution and collaboration for this article. I hope everyone takes a mindful moment of gratitude sometime today. I just did mine, reflecting on this post and sending some well wishes, empathy and inspiration to everyone
This is exactly what I needed to read today, Victoria -- sending you a big thank-you hug! Yes to recognizing the tailwinds. I will check out that episode of "Hidden Brain."
You're very welcome Sarah! Yes, the work of Prof Gilovich is insightful and makes a lot of sense. We all grit hard and focus on facing things head-on, in those headwinds - they're right in our face after all. I'm thinking about those tailwinds a lot more these days. I think many of them are linked to what we've acquired as skills along the way...
Perhaps our nurtured gifts can give us the tailwinds and lift we need to propel ourselves forward more easily.
My musical brain is now tuning into Bette Midler and 'Wind Beneath My Wings'....earworm!
I love this post so much! Your description of headwinds and tailwinds really makes the concept of gratitude vivid for me. Your recount of those intensely hellish periods spent as your father's caregiver justaxposed with the quiet moments of joy as he took in the sunshine are so achingly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You have inspired me to practice gratitude again in a more conscious way. Perhaps it will get me through my post-betrayal trauma a little easier.
Professor Tom Gilovich and his team at Cornell do some really interesting work. Like many of the Hidden Brain episodes, I didn't know how the episode's insights would evolve. The descriptions and research resonated
Thanks yes, I live in paradoxes - but I think this is how we experience life fully. The key is to have both and try not to dwell on the imbalanced duration of each (that frustrated me) the joy-moments can be fleeting, hard to hold onto but searingly intense. The other times have been long periods
Have a look at the 365grateful website. I already had an insta photo printer...I have music playlists that reflect certain periods for me.
Thank you for sharing these stories Victoria and Susan! I also checked out Hayley’s website and Ted Talk which were so moving and inspiring. I love how the act of looking for little bits of joy brings more joy and gratitude.
Oh that's great Serena. Yes, I'm so glad I was led to their work. We all need reminders to be intentional and focus on seeing / finding gratitude in the everyday. I really like the fact that it can be non-verbal. Sometimes, when words fail its best to just feel and capture it somehow. Hence my love of music.
Thanks, Cherie. I stopped & started, but with grace and brevity, it says enough and not laundry-listed..too much. Still, I appreciate you knowing and saying that.
Technicolour memories can feel like ...what it must be like for a migraine sufferer going to their favourite concert/film, knowing that there will probably be flashing strobe lights, but they need to go there and watch it even if it triggers them or makes them have a moody headache for days...
Welcome! Resonated with me too - hence the share. It's also because if we're surfing the tailwind I like to think we're 'high' and screaming 'wooooohoooooo' we're caught up in the moment of glee! Noticing the glee itself, I'm guessing is just as good as noticing what's pushing it.
Awww thanks, Kaitlyn. Have a look around the 365grateful site. With a box of tissues at the ready though. One video is achingly poignant. It's truly inspiring. It's a beautiful find. I'm trying to share it far and wide after I found it through Karen Walrond. It fits snugly into how I'm trying to approach life, Heart open and primed.
I love the way this kind of care reminds us that we can’t opt out of the worst stuff (helping with the clinical duties, seeing a parent one struggle) and even that we don’t need to try and ‘appreciate’ that stuff. It just is, and very often can’t be avoided. I think the acceptance there makes the gratitude here possible. A sort of “things are hard and things are good” mindset that makes room for all experiences. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Melissa. To build on your generous comment, as you said, if we can reconcile without a judgment of 'good/bad, it's simpler to expend more effort and be present in-the-moment. I try to hold back on 'predicting' how I'll feel - perhaps that's conditioning from the unpredictable nature of caregiving. This could mean I'm more open to whatever happens?!?!? it's in-the-moment agility (hence the emotional agility series I wrote) and navigating how I'm feeling in the moment that can lead me to gratitude, joy or the need to pause...Does that make sense?
Also, I need to caveat all this by saying I'm VERY blessed - lots of great tailwinds- over my career, e.g. I benefited from training, was introduced to research and had great mentors/support. And I could make my choice to resign and be with my parents. Everyone needs to have the same choice and also know their loved ones are being cared for. Sadly, that's not the case today. So, BIG caveat, my experience is not a benchmark, standard or even a norm, but it is one little reference point in the myriad of strife that's happening all around us.
Oops long comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts, Melissa!!
Oh I love the idea of trying to stop predicting how you'll feel. I have never tried it! In fact, I think I might say that I have ALWAYS been in a state of trying to calculate my feelings and act accordingly.
I feel like you've just given me a massive unlock!!
And yes of course, I too am incredibly privileged with loads of tailwinds — and I think it's OK that we acknowledge that even a life full of tailwinds won't keep us out of difficult experiences.
I think a lot of my interviewees (research study on healthy relationships with work) that are more oriented around success and "The Path" (the Right Way to Get Ahead) are doing this math of how to optimize away inconvenience, frustration, disappointment, difficulty. We spend a massive amount of time planning the future to avoid those things, and are then disappointed when it doesn't work.
Dr Iris Mauss research is well known by Dr Susan David and Dr Brené Brown - all amazing experts and evidence based insights ;-) (ex scientist here can't take popular science, I need hard facts. Qualitative hypotheses or Quant stats ;-)
Feel free to write an article referencing our exchange here - I'd be interested to hear more of your experience. I'd love for these insights to get amplified more. Society and culture tends to set us on a path of over-control, and holding things tightly which is exhausting...Emotional agility, and learning skills to understand ourselves better, having awareness...it gives us much for grace, connection, less bias so we can be more capacious with life....I've had a LOT of time and pain to think about this!
Awwww thanks, An K! I write them to remind myself too! ;-) The whole website is my 'grateful' journal. Thank you for your support and taking the time to comment.
Thanks, Susan. It's lovely to see your 'Joy & Delight' Wall. We'll need to do a follow-up post later in the year, to see its evolution. Oooo you could print the article as an additional marker on the wall ;-)
You're not alone - it can sometimes feel like that. Thankfully, the wonders of tec can keep us connected regardless of time and space.
Thank you! The article was full of so much and I loved the part about the winds (especially apt living on an island) and has given me more to think about. It’s weird there is less importance given to collective joy than there is adversity. Lots to ponder.
And yes! A follow up - maybe when my wall is full? 🙏🏼
Thanks to Susan for her contribution and collaboration for this article. I hope everyone takes a mindful moment of gratitude sometime today. I just did mine, reflecting on this post and sending some well wishes, empathy and inspiration to everyone
This is exactly what I needed to read today, Victoria -- sending you a big thank-you hug! Yes to recognizing the tailwinds. I will check out that episode of "Hidden Brain."
You're very welcome Sarah! Yes, the work of Prof Gilovich is insightful and makes a lot of sense. We all grit hard and focus on facing things head-on, in those headwinds - they're right in our face after all. I'm thinking about those tailwinds a lot more these days. I think many of them are linked to what we've acquired as skills along the way...
Perhaps our nurtured gifts can give us the tailwinds and lift we need to propel ourselves forward more easily.
My musical brain is now tuning into Bette Midler and 'Wind Beneath My Wings'....earworm!
I love this post so much! Your description of headwinds and tailwinds really makes the concept of gratitude vivid for me. Your recount of those intensely hellish periods spent as your father's caregiver justaxposed with the quiet moments of joy as he took in the sunshine are so achingly beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. You have inspired me to practice gratitude again in a more conscious way. Perhaps it will get me through my post-betrayal trauma a little easier.
Professor Tom Gilovich and his team at Cornell do some really interesting work. Like many of the Hidden Brain episodes, I didn't know how the episode's insights would evolve. The descriptions and research resonated
Thanks yes, I live in paradoxes - but I think this is how we experience life fully. The key is to have both and try not to dwell on the imbalanced duration of each (that frustrated me) the joy-moments can be fleeting, hard to hold onto but searingly intense. The other times have been long periods
Have a look at the 365grateful website. I already had an insta photo printer...I have music playlists that reflect certain periods for me.
Thank you for sharing these stories Victoria and Susan! I also checked out Hayley’s website and Ted Talk which were so moving and inspiring. I love how the act of looking for little bits of joy brings more joy and gratitude.
Oh that's great Serena. Yes, I'm so glad I was led to their work. We all need reminders to be intentional and focus on seeing / finding gratitude in the everyday. I really like the fact that it can be non-verbal. Sometimes, when words fail its best to just feel and capture it somehow. Hence my love of music.
Oh, that is so true. The words are not always easy to find. And that is why I love dance!
Thank you, Victoria! Wonderful resources, and thank you for sharing your personal story as well!
Thanks, Cherie. I stopped & started, but with grace and brevity, it says enough and not laundry-listed..too much. Still, I appreciate you knowing and saying that.
Technicolour memories can feel like ...what it must be like for a migraine sufferer going to their favourite concert/film, knowing that there will probably be flashing strobe lights, but they need to go there and watch it even if it triggers them or makes them have a moody headache for days...
I hope you're have lots of fun Grandma time
Love this idea of 'headwinds' and 'tailwinds'. I'll carry this with me, thanks 😊
Welcome! Resonated with me too - hence the share. It's also because if we're surfing the tailwind I like to think we're 'high' and screaming 'wooooohoooooo' we're caught up in the moment of glee! Noticing the glee itself, I'm guessing is just as good as noticing what's pushing it.
(now I want to watch show-choir Glee again!) ;-)
That he would.
I love the idea of the wall journal, kept in a prominent place to remind me at all times.
I'm sure James Clear would approve of this 'Appreciation of life' habit too! ;-)
This was a wonderful blending of resources! I feel inspired to break out my Polaroid camera now! 📸
Awww thanks, Kaitlyn. Have a look around the 365grateful site. With a box of tissues at the ready though. One video is achingly poignant. It's truly inspiring. It's a beautiful find. I'm trying to share it far and wide after I found it through Karen Walrond. It fits snugly into how I'm trying to approach life, Heart open and primed.
I absolutely will. 💕 I’m sure it will be a resource I’ll share with my clients, too. Thank you for compiling all this.
My pleasure! Thanks Kaitlyn.
I love the way this kind of care reminds us that we can’t opt out of the worst stuff (helping with the clinical duties, seeing a parent one struggle) and even that we don’t need to try and ‘appreciate’ that stuff. It just is, and very often can’t be avoided. I think the acceptance there makes the gratitude here possible. A sort of “things are hard and things are good” mindset that makes room for all experiences. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Melissa. To build on your generous comment, as you said, if we can reconcile without a judgment of 'good/bad, it's simpler to expend more effort and be present in-the-moment. I try to hold back on 'predicting' how I'll feel - perhaps that's conditioning from the unpredictable nature of caregiving. This could mean I'm more open to whatever happens?!?!? it's in-the-moment agility (hence the emotional agility series I wrote) and navigating how I'm feeling in the moment that can lead me to gratitude, joy or the need to pause...Does that make sense?
Also, I need to caveat all this by saying I'm VERY blessed - lots of great tailwinds- over my career, e.g. I benefited from training, was introduced to research and had great mentors/support. And I could make my choice to resign and be with my parents. Everyone needs to have the same choice and also know their loved ones are being cared for. Sadly, that's not the case today. So, BIG caveat, my experience is not a benchmark, standard or even a norm, but it is one little reference point in the myriad of strife that's happening all around us.
Oops long comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts, Melissa!!
Oh I love the idea of trying to stop predicting how you'll feel. I have never tried it! In fact, I think I might say that I have ALWAYS been in a state of trying to calculate my feelings and act accordingly.
I feel like you've just given me a massive unlock!!
And yes of course, I too am incredibly privileged with loads of tailwinds — and I think it's OK that we acknowledge that even a life full of tailwinds won't keep us out of difficult experiences.
I think a lot of my interviewees (research study on healthy relationships with work) that are more oriented around success and "The Path" (the Right Way to Get Ahead) are doing this math of how to optimize away inconvenience, frustration, disappointment, difficulty. We spend a massive amount of time planning the future to avoid those things, and are then disappointed when it doesn't work.
OK you just blew my mind. Thank you Victoria!!
🤯🤯 YAY to inspirational mind-blowing moments
Take a read through the Why pursuing happiness makes us unhappy: https://www.carermentor.com/p/why-does-pursuing-happiness-make?r=a9y7d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Dr Iris Mauss research is well known by Dr Susan David and Dr Brené Brown - all amazing experts and evidence based insights ;-) (ex scientist here can't take popular science, I need hard facts. Qualitative hypotheses or Quant stats ;-)
Feel free to write an article referencing our exchange here - I'd be interested to hear more of your experience. I'd love for these insights to get amplified more. Society and culture tends to set us on a path of over-control, and holding things tightly which is exhausting...Emotional agility, and learning skills to understand ourselves better, having awareness...it gives us much for grace, connection, less bias so we can be more capacious with life....I've had a LOT of time and pain to think about this!
I'm grateful for your writing, I need these reminders!!
🙂🌸
Awwww thanks, An K! I write them to remind myself too! ;-) The whole website is my 'grateful' journal. Thank you for your support and taking the time to comment.
Wonderful! I will check it out! :)
Love and light!! 🌸💕
So beautifully encapsulated, Victoria. Thank you 🙏🏼 Reading your words reminds me I’m not alone in these experiences or feelings 💗
Thanks, Susan. It's lovely to see your 'Joy & Delight' Wall. We'll need to do a follow-up post later in the year, to see its evolution. Oooo you could print the article as an additional marker on the wall ;-)
You're not alone - it can sometimes feel like that. Thankfully, the wonders of tec can keep us connected regardless of time and space.
Thank you! The article was full of so much and I loved the part about the winds (especially apt living on an island) and has given me more to think about. It’s weird there is less importance given to collective joy than there is adversity. Lots to ponder.
And yes! A follow up - maybe when my wall is full? 🙏🏼
This is a gorgeous blend of heart, hope and helpful Victoria. Thanks so much!! I appreciate your steadfast contributions. Big hugs coming your way xx
Thanks, Danusia! I love your comment, it's exactly what I was aiming for - I'm a realistic optimist ;-)