š¬ Eldercare/Caring for Parents Discussion: "The child-to-parent dynamic."
The June Discussion. "Ask Us Anything."
Hello! If youāre new to Carer Mentor, welcome! Thank you for being here! You can read why Iām publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?
The Carer Mentor website is a hub of tools, resources & insights, as well as a community support network. A portal of hope ā¤ļø Start exploring here.
Itās Carers Week in the UK (June 8 - 14). This yearās theme is āBuilding Carer-Friendly Communitiesā. I support this campaign and the work of Carers UK. The Carer Mentor Community Network aims to build stronger ties and support between caregiving communities, writers and carers online.
The Premise for these monthly discussions: different relational dynamics within caregiving.
Carer Mentor offers heartfelt empathy for caregivers. On the one hand, our individual circumstances, struggles, cultures, values, and backgrounds make our experiences unique. On the other hand, weāre united by universal life experiences: birth, death, feelings, and vulnerabilities; our humanity.
Another dimension we donāt often discuss is the relational dynamics of caregiving. I focus on eldercare/caring for my parents, but many friends care for their spouse/partner, child, or sibling. In addition, these days we recognise that caregiving stretches beyond blood ties. Various forms of kinship care, care communities, or caring among chosen family are emerging. While we may share experiences of caregiving as a whole, Iām curious to explore these caregiving relationships and offer caregiver-friends a space to connect.
This is why I started this new collaboration project to facilitate more community connections and discussion: Carer Mentor Community Network. The project involves monthly discussion groups.
The most recent āCaregiving As A Parentā monthly discussion (on the first Friday of every month) was hosted by Sara Clime on June 5th: āThe System I Forgot To Build.ā
The previous āEldercare /Caregiving for parentsā discussion focused on āA Carerās Recalibrationsā
The Eldercare/Caring For Parents Collaboration Team
Iām pleased to introduce you to our 14 team members. Each person has a publication in which they share their thoughts on caregiving for an older family member, friend, or parent(s). Click each name to find out more about them.
Important details
Mark your calendars: The āEldercare/caring for a parentā discussions will be on the second Friday of every month.
The discussion will start on a Friday, but wonāt close. Join on Friday or over the weekend, or whenever you can. No pressure, we know how precious and unpredictable our time can be.
Todayās discussion
Todayās discussion is co-hosted with Sue Montgomery, RN, BSN, MA. I asked Sue a couple of questions because I knew she had a wealth of professional experience in addition to her personal caregiving.
In the back of my mind was a general thought: we try hard, without any training, to learn about caregiving, influence, and advocate in the best interests of our parents. This isnāt just as an interface to medics and organisations. Weāre also translating, advising and negotiating with our parents. No wonder that we can second-guess our choices on that learning curve. Itās also easy to feel frustrated when our recommendations or opinions arenāt truly heard or considered. We can wonder if our parents are questioning our judgment and capabilities.
With that in mind, I wondered what Sueās experience was like caring for her Mom, given her professional expertise and training.
Letās not forget that recalibrating our parent-child relationship can be bumpy. Whether itās sudden or gradual, facing health issues, vulnerabilities and mortality can shock anyone. Many things get stirred up.
What stories are we, as their adult children, still hooked on? What stories do our parents get hooked on?
These are not necessarily questions of trust or of our judgment. Itās worth taking a breath and pausing any discussion if your mind goes there. Emotions may overtake words.
There are years of a specific power dynamic and various replaying stories that contribute to a parent-child dynamic. How these evolve is a journey and story in itself. Some may include a lot of pain and hurt, and very complex circumstances. Trying to give care and offer support is not simple. Caregiving is not transactional; itās relational.
Two questions to Sue
Can you share a brief context of your professional and private experience of caregiving?
As a registered nurse, my professional experience with caregiving includes working within various roles for a large hospice in Florida for 15 years. I spent 12 years in critical care prior to that, working with both children and adults. But caregiving in the ICU certainly isnāt the same as working with hospice patients and families in their homes! For hospice, I worked in the field as a case manager for both children and adults; as a staff nurse in our hospice houses caring for both children and adults; as the manager of a homecare team with an average daily census of 100-120 adult patients; and as the Director of Interdisciplinary Practice for the organization. That last role didnāt involve as much contact with patient/family situations, but all of the others did.
My personal experience as a caregiver includes caring for my mom for many years and helping my husband care for his mom for five years.
My mom lived with my husband and me in her own apartment at one end of our home for nearly 10 years. She was fairly independent until about the last five years of her life, when she required increasing levels of support. Over the last few years, she required some level of care/support nearly 24/7. She was in a community-based palliative care program for the last six months of her life and had hospice the last three weeks. She died peacefully at home, in her own bed, with me by her side on May 29, 2015.
After Mom died, we relocated to be closer to my husbandās mom. We provided increasing levels of support for her until we decided it was time to move in and provide 24/7 care on various levels. We were also blessed to have hospice for her, and she died peacefully at home, in her own bed, with family by her side on January 16, 2026.
Can you share an anecdote of when you helped a family in your professional capacity and compare that with a similar personal experience caring for your mother? Was there something that surprised you or was a lightbulb moment for you?
I have lots of anecdotes for both scenarios, but hereās one that popped into my head as overlapping both my personal and professional experiences: How frustrating it can be for family members when their loved one dismisses their suggestions for various reasons ā only to think itās a great idea from someone else!
When I was a nurse in the field working with hospice patients in their homes, it wasnāt uncommon to have a spouse (often a wife) open the door to greet me and say something along the lines of, āMaybe heāll listen to you!ā
Iād then step back onto the porch with her as she vented her frustration over her husbandās stubborn stance on this or that. Even if what she was suggesting was exactly what needed to be done for the situation, he wasnāt having any of it ā until he heard it from me. Then, it was a different story. How frustrating for his wife!
A similar scenario with my mom initially was about pain and symptom management, topics I had more than a little experience with. To her credit, she was often open to my suggestions about various things, but this one in particular bugged me because it was my field of expertise. I specifically remember making some suggestions early on about options for managing her pain, but it wasnāt until she heard the same suggestion from her doctorās nurse that she was willing to give it a go.
For my hospice patients, I knew it was about trying to maintain some level of control in the midst of the growing pile of losses they were experiencing. Which is what I tried to explain to the many frustrated family members I encountered. Of course, with my mom, it was exactly the same, but that was a little more difficult for me to identify when I was the caregiver.
I didnāt necessarily have a ālightbulb momentā about these dynamics with my hospice patients, because I encountered these scenarios so often. But with my mom, I eventually realized I needed to put my ego aside and try to understand what it was like for her to endure all the changes and losses sheād experienced as her health failed and independence became a thing of the past. She needed to have as much control as possible, and I needed to do whatever I could to help her have it.
Thank you, Sue!
This resonates with my experience of caring for my Dad. He didnāt like to take the pain medication and didnāt want to be more āfuzzy.ā
I wouldnāt want to presume about why your Mom didnāt follow your suggestion, Sue. There could be various reasons. I am glad she listened to that Doctorās nurse.
Itās clear that this was a mental shift for you as her caregiver. Perhaps that's less about your ego and more about recalibrating your approach to her wishes and needs; your daughter-to-mother dynamic? Having to integrate more of your professional insights into your Momās caregiving must have been tough. These are the situations where I wonder, āHow much time do we really get to ājust beā the daughter or the son?ā; presence rather than ādoingā.
You provided much-needed care and support to your patients and their families. Itās easy to see how you enabled your Momās wishes and needs.
Thank you for this reminder for us to lean into relationships outside family dynamics, whether thatās with medical experts or trusted friends.
An important note about cognitive issues
We may not know, but we may have growing concerns about our parents having some short-term memory loss or issues with logical reasoning or comprehension.
Are you aware of Anosognosia? Itās a condition in which a person is unaware of their cognitive decline, most often seen in Alzheimerās disease or other causes of dementia. This lack of awareness is often confused with denial and poses unique challenges for our care discussions and for aligning on our parentsā needs and wishes.
Perhaps our mother or father is scared rather than stubborn. Or fighting to retain some level of control when things are escaping his/her grasp. Perhaps they need more time to recalibrate on what theyāre becoming more aware of.
Beyond our child-to-parent relationship. Weāre recalibrating our adult-to-adult relationship whilst facing their health issues and despite historical baggage/dynamics. No wonder why itās so tough!
For our discussion
Briefly introduce yourself: where you live, who you care for and how long youāve been caring.
Ask us anything, share your thoughts on our reflections or answer this prompt:
Has there been a situation when advice/recommendation was best served to your parent(s) by someone else?
Or can you describe a moment where you and your parent(s) felt solid alignment?
Meet other caregivers by replying to other comments or questions.
Letās remember that what works for one person may not work for someone else. Letās lead with empathy.
Please remember to āā¤ļøā LIKE the article to guide others to this discussion
Dad's vascular dementia, mixed with his fear of the hospital, frustration and stubbornness, could exacerbate a situation, especially if he'd had a fall.
In hindsight, I realise the first year caring for Dad was more torturous because we were trying to find our footing. At the time, in my old corporate speak- my language at the time- it felt like the old storming, forming, norming ...but the reality was much deeper than just group dynamics. My mother had to take on what Dad usually did, Dad had to let go of being able to reason or control the situation, and I had to apply a lot of comms skills to de-escalate or navigate us through.
That period of recalibration was especially tough. But I'd never want them to just do what I say. Even when he was in pain trying to walk around the house, trying to move his arms and legs during rheumatoid arthritis flare-ups, he kept saying that if he didn't move, he'd seize up. Wrapping him up safely in his recliner would've bubble-wrapped my heart, given me a selfish comfort, but not helped his spirit. So, we silently aligned on his need to move around, and I'd be thereif something happened. (Which it did - falls downstairs, on the stairs, upstairs, with canes, despite grab handles etc etc.) We did our best, in a kind of painful agreement. Other times were harder.
Hi- Iām Kirsten and my SS is all about coping with aging parents and finding insight and levity to cope with this zany, emotional roller coaster ride.
On the topic of taking advice, one of my favorite podcast guests, Julie, a home care LCSW of 20 years put it this way: āOften itās just the 7th voice that gets through. You may have suggested it, a friend may have, a doctor may have, YouTube may have. But for some reason, it took that many mentions to sink in. Try to be grateful the message got through, rather than feeling like they just didnāt listen to you.ā So when my mom finally embraces something Iāve been saying for years, I try my best to say āGreat idea!ā Itās hard, but I try.