Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and insightful post on crying and grief. I really enjoyed this topic and it prompted a lot of thoughts, especially my own culture’s relationship to crying.
Thanks, Heidi. I hear you. I'm Chinese, born in the UK, relocated 18 times over 10 countries. I've witnessed several similarities and differences across cultures and personalities in terms of how we express our emotions. It's like knowing a lot and nothing at the same time!! We all struggle. I'm pleased that the article inspired more reflection. thanks!
I love how you both shared your story and wove in the research around crying. I've been thinking more about the "inconvenience" of it as well as the physical/emotional toll it can take on us when we do go through it. I had a chaplain student whose third language was English and he referred to someone crying as "dropping some tears." I love that phrase and it stayed with me. We can often have all sorts of reasons not to want to cry, including it being one more thing, or not wanting to be out of control (often true for me). And dropping the tears can feel as though we are letting go of something that we may not let go of.
Thanks, Chrstine. Great points. Inconvenience, control, intentionality, and spontaneity are thoughts that flip-flopped in my mind. Perhaps because there have been such polar reasons for crying when I was working rather than caregiving.
Wonderful post, Victoria. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I appreciated the chance to know more of your story and have a deeper understanding of why you do what you do.
Victoria, what a powerful post! And what a journey you have been on. Thank you for sharing these experiences with us. <3
There is certainly something to what you're saying about crying alone vs. with another. Yes, it is a very special thing when we are allow ourselves to weep in the presence of a friend or family member ... or even an empathetic acquaintance.
I have at times feared that my tears will push another away, but when they've burst forth (inconveniently), I've often found that they have the effect of lifting a relationship to a new level of honesty and depth.
(On a somewhat lighter note ... I'm remembering a time years ago when I fell apart in front of a state bureaucrat in charge of auto titling. Seeing my tears, she suddenly expedited a chicken-vs.-egg transaction I'd been chasing my tail over for weeks. Did she feel compassion for me or just want to rid of me and my tears? Didn't matter to me -- my point is, tears can create relational shifts ... often positive.)
Thanks Sarah. Thanks for catching those thoughts. For me, too, those ‘inconvenient’ tears are often the most heartfelt, true, and transformational—for the relationship and understanding ourselves.
But some people are just not good with tears so then its a (excuse the pun) Watershed moment.
Thank you for sharing more of yourself with us, Victoria. So much to think about here, but one line that jumped off the page at me is, "Who'll do it if not me?" That's such a significant question for me. I find myself wishing there was someone who could do it better than me, but knowing there is no one else I would rather it be than me. But then, "How and when we permit ourselves to release what we absorb from others or feel ourselves is at the heart of our paradox." Amen!
Thanks for sharing my article in amongst your thoughtful piece Victoria. Yes, I don't think we talk enough about the trauma of living through these kinds of life experiences and how to support carers and bystanders to process their grief, anger, shame, guilt, fear, and the whole spectrum of emotions. EMDR can have an enormous impact on helping to release this from the mind, body, and nervous system.
Thanks, Vicki. figuring out how to feel after being 'numbed' is not easy. I appreciate your article. I often think caregivers have many over-sensitised, over-stimulated nerve endings.
Victoria, I really appreciate your vulnerable share in this essay, about the complex emotions felt by a caregiver in action while experiencing ongoing trauma. I can almost hear the clanging of sabres and daggers as the conflicting emotions fight one another inside your head and body during those high-stress periods. Caregiver trauma is real, and I've had a taste of it when my mom broke her knee and I was plunged into active caregiving just as soon as the internal bleeding in my brain stopped after a concussion in December 2022, while dealing with sexual betrayal at the same god-damn time! I imagine your trauma being 1 million times what I had experienced, and so I have a lot of empathy for you. I wish I could sit down quietly next to you, physically, and invite you for a big hug.
Wow. Victoria, this was such a vulnerable and soul-bearing piece. I feel like I got up know you so much better and understand the inspiration for your writing. You also shine a light on the hidden burden of caregivers. Really beautiful. I will be thinking about emotional agility all day.
Thanks, Kristina - that means a lot to me given what you wrote yesterday. There are tears behind my eyes, but i'm about to go and do chores. It's my favourite playlist the 'making the bed' ballads playlist ;-) Liminal complex moments!
Susan David's book Emotional Agility continues to be a great enabler, Kristin Neff and Thich Nhat Hanh provide powerful reminders to give ourselves mindful grace and compassion. xoxo
You are very brave and made huge sacrifices to help your mother care for your father. I can well understand your ambivalence but your love for your parents shines through. I have to say though that I have no tears left to cry. Just totally numb getting through each day and trying to cope as best as I can. Wonderful article - I guess we all have to deal with the stress of caring as best as we can. Thank you Victoria.
Thanks, Helena! XOXO You captured the main message beautifully. We ALL have ambivalence it's about being human but as any caregiver knows we're numbed and stressed, frozen-tears. So exactly, we do our best and that's already SO much amidst everything.
Here, here regarding EMDR! I too made use of that modality ... and it was life-changing in ways that have been helping me walk through this current season.
Thanks Kristin. Absolutely - there are no rights or wrongs, better or worse. It's why it's a tricky topic for me, hence the collaboration! I often catch my own tears, BUT for me I know there's more behind the dam. That's good to know that EMDR was helpful for you. THanks!
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and insightful post on crying and grief. I really enjoyed this topic and it prompted a lot of thoughts, especially my own culture’s relationship to crying.
Thanks, Heidi. I hear you. I'm Chinese, born in the UK, relocated 18 times over 10 countries. I've witnessed several similarities and differences across cultures and personalities in terms of how we express our emotions. It's like knowing a lot and nothing at the same time!! We all struggle. I'm pleased that the article inspired more reflection. thanks!
I love how you both shared your story and wove in the research around crying. I've been thinking more about the "inconvenience" of it as well as the physical/emotional toll it can take on us when we do go through it. I had a chaplain student whose third language was English and he referred to someone crying as "dropping some tears." I love that phrase and it stayed with me. We can often have all sorts of reasons not to want to cry, including it being one more thing, or not wanting to be out of control (often true for me). And dropping the tears can feel as though we are letting go of something that we may not let go of.
Thanks, Chrstine. Great points. Inconvenience, control, intentionality, and spontaneity are thoughts that flip-flopped in my mind. Perhaps because there have been such polar reasons for crying when I was working rather than caregiving.
Wonderful post, Victoria. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I appreciated the chance to know more of your story and have a deeper understanding of why you do what you do.
Thanks, Tiffany xo
Victoria, what a powerful post! And what a journey you have been on. Thank you for sharing these experiences with us. <3
There is certainly something to what you're saying about crying alone vs. with another. Yes, it is a very special thing when we are allow ourselves to weep in the presence of a friend or family member ... or even an empathetic acquaintance.
I have at times feared that my tears will push another away, but when they've burst forth (inconveniently), I've often found that they have the effect of lifting a relationship to a new level of honesty and depth.
(On a somewhat lighter note ... I'm remembering a time years ago when I fell apart in front of a state bureaucrat in charge of auto titling. Seeing my tears, she suddenly expedited a chicken-vs.-egg transaction I'd been chasing my tail over for weeks. Did she feel compassion for me or just want to rid of me and my tears? Didn't matter to me -- my point is, tears can create relational shifts ... often positive.)
Thanks Sarah. Thanks for catching those thoughts. For me, too, those ‘inconvenient’ tears are often the most heartfelt, true, and transformational—for the relationship and understanding ourselves.
But some people are just not good with tears so then its a (excuse the pun) Watershed moment.
So true ... ♥️
Thank you for sharing more of yourself with us, Victoria. So much to think about here, but one line that jumped off the page at me is, "Who'll do it if not me?" That's such a significant question for me. I find myself wishing there was someone who could do it better than me, but knowing there is no one else I would rather it be than me. But then, "How and when we permit ourselves to release what we absorb from others or feel ourselves is at the heart of our paradox." Amen!
Thanks, Cherie, for seeing and feeling the messiness. xo
Thanks for sharing my article in amongst your thoughtful piece Victoria. Yes, I don't think we talk enough about the trauma of living through these kinds of life experiences and how to support carers and bystanders to process their grief, anger, shame, guilt, fear, and the whole spectrum of emotions. EMDR can have an enormous impact on helping to release this from the mind, body, and nervous system.
Thanks, Vicki. figuring out how to feel after being 'numbed' is not easy. I appreciate your article. I often think caregivers have many over-sensitised, over-stimulated nerve endings.
Victoria, I really appreciate your vulnerable share in this essay, about the complex emotions felt by a caregiver in action while experiencing ongoing trauma. I can almost hear the clanging of sabres and daggers as the conflicting emotions fight one another inside your head and body during those high-stress periods. Caregiver trauma is real, and I've had a taste of it when my mom broke her knee and I was plunged into active caregiving just as soon as the internal bleeding in my brain stopped after a concussion in December 2022, while dealing with sexual betrayal at the same god-damn time! I imagine your trauma being 1 million times what I had experienced, and so I have a lot of empathy for you. I wish I could sit down quietly next to you, physically, and invite you for a big hug.
I look forward to the AWC discussion tomorrow!
Wow. Victoria, this was such a vulnerable and soul-bearing piece. I feel like I got up know you so much better and understand the inspiration for your writing. You also shine a light on the hidden burden of caregivers. Really beautiful. I will be thinking about emotional agility all day.
Thanks, Kristina - that means a lot to me given what you wrote yesterday. There are tears behind my eyes, but i'm about to go and do chores. It's my favourite playlist the 'making the bed' ballads playlist ;-) Liminal complex moments!
Susan David's book Emotional Agility continues to be a great enabler, Kristin Neff and Thich Nhat Hanh provide powerful reminders to give ourselves mindful grace and compassion. xoxo
You are very brave and made huge sacrifices to help your mother care for your father. I can well understand your ambivalence but your love for your parents shines through. I have to say though that I have no tears left to cry. Just totally numb getting through each day and trying to cope as best as I can. Wonderful article - I guess we all have to deal with the stress of caring as best as we can. Thank you Victoria.
Thanks, Helena! XOXO You captured the main message beautifully. We ALL have ambivalence it's about being human but as any caregiver knows we're numbed and stressed, frozen-tears. So exactly, we do our best and that's already SO much amidst everything.
BIG hugs
Here, here regarding EMDR! I too made use of that modality ... and it was life-changing in ways that have been helping me walk through this current season.
Rest well, Kristin.
I started doing EMDR recently and it is wild! Still waiting/hoping to see the full impact - and lots of tears have been shed!
Christine, I'm thinking of you on your EMDR journey and praying for all healing 💕
Thank you - it is so much harder than I thought it would be! And I’ve been a therapist myself and in therapy for years!
I suspect you will find it is worth it in the end ... like so many challenging endeavors ...
Yes, I keep comparing it to exercise - it's hard work and I don't enjoy it - but I enjoy the benefits afterwards!
🙏🏻♥️
Thanks Kristin. Absolutely - there are no rights or wrongs, better or worse. It's why it's a tricky topic for me, hence the collaboration! I often catch my own tears, BUT for me I know there's more behind the dam. That's good to know that EMDR was helpful for you. THanks!