Brain Rest

A short reflection and resources.

Hello, Dear Reader! Thank you for spending some of your precious time here.

Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

In short, after a career climbing the corporate ladder and 18 relocations across 10 countries, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015: congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were compounded with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and then bladder cancer.

I stepped away from work for a year, returned for six months, and then resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017 (Belgium has medical leave as part of their employment law¹). Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment of two separate primary cancers for Mum.

Today, we count our blessings and greatly appreciate monotony, small moments, and SLEEP. As every cancer patient and caregiver knows, you never really leave or get out of the ‘cancer’ rollercoaster, especially on targeted therapy.

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A July-August Series Summary

Over the last couple of months, I shared two series. These two series offer experts’ research, resources and my personal reflections through a caregiver’s lens:

• The July series was about articulating Your Values Compass (3 articles)

  Articulating your core values can give you a better sense of what matters most to you in a very tangible way. Whether untethered, distracted, or in a whirlwind, you can confidently anchor back to your values when faced with life questions.

• The August series has been about Walking your Why (4 articles)

These were comprised of articles focused on our self-development and inner thoughts.

The Mind the Gap. Build a Bridge article. and Walking your Why: Mind the Gap recap!' Checkpoints and a Cool Tool! shifts that focus to a more outward-facing perspective, how we think beyond ourselves to interact/advocate for others.

Interacting and being with others is a species activity and part of our shared humanity, but are we building bridges or expecting the other person to align with our way of thinking?

What default assumptions and expectations are we holding?

The second article has an interactive Culture Comparison tool that compares different countries across Geert Hofstede’s² six cultural dimensions.

Culture is just one of the infinite number of reference points that can lead us to misalign or disconnect our communications or attempts to understand each other.

Mindful curiosity can help us assess our understanding of potential interpersonal gaps and adapt how we build bridges to connect with others.

Today’s article WAS going to explore more of these potential disconnects.

Mind the Gap. Build a Bridge.

Build a Bridge but miss the mark.

But instead, today is a brain rest day.

It’s not a do nothing, sit on the sofa and read day (a caregiver’s respite time).

Today, I’ll be focusing on actions that require fewer brain cells. Not completely mind-less, but less mind-FULL. There are many of those on the ‘to-do’ list.

Yesterday, I used up excessive brain energy, mindful curiosity, and my empathic radar to resolve a mismatch in medication administration regimens (how long off, on, which one, why, check blood, when, why, questioning, reminding, pushing, checking…)

Many phone calls, coordination, waiting for callbacks, recalibrations, and an unexpected consult. Plus, of course, folks like to call back just after their lunchtime, and for us, that means several calls simultaneously.

So, I’m taking a day off to allow my brain to recoup. Don’t worry; things are fine.

Our version of ‘normal’ includes a much higher baseline of communication and coordination than most, even in these calmer days. Imagine what it was like during Dad’s palliative care with unstable congestive heart failure, rheumatoid arthritis and bladder cancer, and his cocktail of pills 2-3 times a day!

If you’re in the middle of those kinds of days, here are the previous articles I wrote with resources:

• Resource: Managing the Mental Load. Understanding and Enabling Yourself.

• 'Moving your inner voices out' Mental Health Awareness (UK 13-19th May)

• 'Are you fluent in 'Caregiver?'' Conversational language tips from people in the know.

• Quote: Viktor Frankl's Between stimulus and Response.

So, in true ‘carer-unpredictability-style’, I’m pivoting my time to cover the essential, no-brainer to-dos on our house list and free-my-brain space. Call it a de-funk time, but with funky music.

I have a general thought to share: Part of me would LOVE to rehash, vent, and write it all out to you, but the caregiver in me has no time or energy to spare for that.

I journal and take time to debrief myself, especially when frustrations and anger arise. However, I feel like my time is SO precious I don’t want to rehash what’s done or give it any more of me. Do you feel like that sometimes?

So, today, I’m sharing some music—some old favourites. These tracks are mood switches or empathisers. What music do you use for comfort and brain-switching?

A simple ask today.

Give yourself some grace, allow your brain to calm, recoup and give it some music xo

Take care, dear ones. Be kind to yourself. We are ALL worth it and deserve to give ourselves a hug.

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I hope you’ll subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

P.S. The Carer Mentor Collaboration goes live soon

1. Leave to support or care for a family member

• Under labor law in Belgium, every employee has the right to either fully suspend the performance of their employment contract or reduce their working hours to care for a family member facing a severe illness.

• Employees can cease their work commitments for a maximum period of 12 months per patient.

• Each of these breaks must be taken for at least one month and a maximum of three months at a time.

2. Geert Hofstede

Hofstede studied people who worked for IBM in more than 50 countries. Initially, he identified four dimensions that could distinguish one culture from another. Later, he added fifth and sixth dimensions, in cooperation with Drs Michael H. Bond and Michael Minkov. These are:

1. Power Distance Index (high versus low).

2. Individualism Versus Collectivism.

3. Masculinity Versus Femininity.

4. Uncertainty Avoidance Index (high versus low).

5. Long- Versus Short-Term Orientation.

6. Indulgence Versus Restraint.

Note: in the original version of the book "Long- Versus Short-Term Orientation" was described as "Pragmatic Versus Normative."