This is once again relevant, Victoria, and I’m grateful you mentioned me so I could read it again. This holiday and transition has been difficult with my grandma’s death and bad health news from a really close friend. I’m feeling heavy and discouraged, and though I keep trying to keep my head above water, it often feels like life is determined to push me down. I wonder, when will it be my turn to rest and be taken care of? Is that selfish?
While I still did set goals with my husband, as per tradition, we’re taking it slowly. I’ve long realised that I don’t start coming alive until March anyway. This year, that buffer is extra needed.
Sending you love from across the ocean. I know we’re in this for the long haul, and sustenance is sometimes found in others who understand.
Hugs Tiffany. I'm sorry things are so disheartening right now—my heartfelt condolences for your grandmother's passing and I know how our friends' health-news can weigh on us. I don't think it's selfish at all - you know that in your heart.
I think you also know that you need to carve out time for yourself, hon. Unfortunately, no one can do that for us.
I'm sending empathetic resonance, hugs and love and gently nudging to lay the responsibilities and burdens down to take care of yourself in a way that makes sense/meaningful to you.
Messy humaning hard can also mean owning our own space - does that make sense?
Thank you for this. Today I am home taking care of myself because I need it. I have a supportive husband and I am not going to feel guilty about not being somewhere even though I think I’m needed.
You're very welcome, Donna. I'm glad to hear your taking care of yourself. Thank you for reading and commenting. Self-compassion is so important. Take care xo
Hi Victoria, thank you for directing me to this essay again this year. I resonate more than ever the sentiment of not wanting and needing to fall under the societal pressure to make any new year resolution type thing or to follow any extrinsic timeline at all. I have adopted a new way of thinking about time so that I'm not led by the nose by the Western linear concept of time being a commodity to be spent and thus feeling the stress that less and less time is left of our lives. I now look at each event and gathering in the past as an addition to my lifetime that has no future, only the past, lived in the only way humans can, messy, unpredictable, uncontrollable and full of surprises, both happy and sad and everything in between. That way I feel liberated from the strait jacket of a linear timeline and the anxiety about a future that no one can predict.
I hope you're savoring the moments of your life too in the unique way you have adopted from being a long-time caregiver and much much more.
This is so beautifully expressed, Lily. Thank you. Yes, this resonates, especially because any 'what ifs' in the future can lead to more fear or inevitabilities that can steal my joy and the precious time we have right now.
I also avoid 'wasting time', 'killing time' - time is our most precious gift. So, it's apt that caregiving has changed my relationship with it. Thank you for expressing this, in your special artistic way, Lily.
Hello Victoria, thank you for including me in this gorgeous, honest post.
The kindest thing I am doing is taking a week off from most things, especially media, and listening for what is true for me as we cross this threshold in kinship.
I love your poem, "If I Could" — I would sleep more...
Thank you, hon. I'm glad to hear you're taking a week off. After everything you've managed to navigate this year for you, for the girls and staying true to yourself - it's inspiring and also awe filling at just how much work, emotional labour and energy you've put into 2025!!
Thank you for sharing and continuing to shine bright, Prajna.
The New Year feels like a good time to reflect and set intentions for many, but if it doesn't, and it just feels like a "should" - what's the point?! Thanks as always for your generous empathy toward all the caregivers in our various chapters. ❤️
Thanks, Anna! 'Should' is relegated to a swear word in my book ;-) I'm gently giving myself more space...not only on the eve of my Dad's death but also because our good friend passed just after I hit publish on this article...holding space to remember these unique special souls. There is potent magic and life in all this, but not around numbers/goals/achievements...reflections and intentions are materialising that feel right and with a lot of heart xoxo❤️
Well done and so very relatable. Especially the Envy in grief at this time of the year. The Envy, how everyone else gets to say they’re not available for work because it’s a holiday but when your caregiving there are no holidays.
Thank you for this. Lovely poem and encouragement.
Thanks, Prajna. Exactly. For many caregivers I know this time is MORE stressful with agency-carer support more limited, or people bringing flu / covid into homes with immunocompromised people....and well you know what it's like.
And yet, we count our blessings and focus on the beauty of the small moments —where there's magic and soul.
Best wishes to you and your girls and furbaby - Woody (that's his name right?) xo
Thank you for acknowledging all the messiness and complexities of this time of year. Also, what a beautiful poem. The "glue of love" is a phrase that will stay with me!
Hi Vicky! Thank you for holding the space for all of us who aren't celebrating the new year in the conventional way and encouraging us to "make space for the inevitable uncertainty, sadness and sometimes fear." And this is just so true: "A date on the calendar does not control our feelings and emotional state—in fact, it can even exacerbate them for caregivers! The date may change, but we can’t conveniently reschedule uncertainty, discomfort, or fear for another time."
I'm someone who prefers not to go through the festivities in November and December due to my past trauma. While staying at a distance from family (aka mom), I also have experienced guilt and fear (of her state of health). It was a delicate tightrope to walk on. This year I chose myself and am glad to have done so because I needed that space and time to heal. But I also have made the promise to visit and care for my mom at Lunar New Year. She will have an eye surgery so it's time for me to step up as a caregiver again (which makes this month such a precious time to be alone and reset my nervous system).
My warmest wishes to you and gratitude for your generous spirit.
Hello hon. You're very welcome. I'm glad this resonated with you and offered empathy for your feelings at this time of year. Walking alongside you. Take care xo
What a beautiful poem and I absolutely love Brené Brown. I love our synchronistic thoughts as well!
I’m in a quiet place today. Woke with my neck and back hurting and worried about returning swallowing issues. Then realized it’s all due to tension. Rolled things out and it’s a little better. Finding calm when things don’t feel right is my only goal as I bring in the new year. My wife is also working and I will be alone. I’m looking forward to what that means. I CAN be left alone. No caretaker. Just me even though I’m still bedbound. Enjoying some solitude and doing what makes me happy. No resolutions. No big plans. Just quiet time with myself and that I can do that is more than enough.
It’s interesting. My perspective is very different this year. I don’t feel caught up in the messiness, if anything, I’m tired of it. The negatives, the uncertainty, the pain and feeling of loss. I felt a lot of it on Christmas. I miss seeing my family and I’m tired of this endless quarantine, but still choose it because my health comes first.
I have a lot of longing more than anything, but this longing is also a looking forward. For the first time in five, going on six years, I’m excited about the future. This is a sensation I’ve been afraid of for so long because of the uncertainty of being chronically ill, but I’m allowing myself to feel it, to enjoy it, because I’ve fought so hard to get this far and I feel it’s high-time I truly embrace my successes. I want to plan and think about what’s next. I want the magic that I’ve gone so long without.
I know I will always have struggles. I was horrible for two months and then my kitty of 16 years suddenly died a couple weeks ago. It was devastating, The grief is strong, the loss is heavy, as well as the realization that no matter how hard I’ve worked to heal, my life will never be the same. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve grown so much. I see things so differently and that’s not a bad thing. I’ve spent years of solitude and therapy thinking and talking about my fears and pain, I want to explore the other side for a change, you know?
Thank you for sharing so openly here, hon. I hear you. You've worked so hard for where you are now - I SO hear you.
We've evolved and changed, we're curating our definition of thriving in what's meaningful to us - our definition is unique...we can still envy or long more other things but considering where we were, where we are now is a BIG step forward.
No one can take that from you and I absolutely agree this needs celebrating.
My heartfelt condolences for the loss of your kitty.
Thanks so much Victoria! You’re so right about curating our own definition of thriving. Big hug back! I feel like we all have to contend with so many conflicting emotions in the chronic illness sphere. Isn’t it such a journey learning to give credence to all of them? ♥️
Beautiful, Victoria! While I am in an anticipatory mood with my upcoming move Feb 2nd to Barcelona, and do enjoy (and feel quite ready for) my current explorations for intentions, new directions, a word of the year, a retrospective view of the past year, I know it isn't for everyone and how compassionate and thoughtful this "permission" essay is. I think it is very sensible to let this period of time of "unknowing" what you would like from the new year to extend as long as it needs to with our human messiness. Much love to you and wishing you a new year of peace and love.
Thank you dear Amy. YES! A Permission essay...exactly! Magic and excitement will appear...that's the beauty of life...I think we've got wise to hastening change, speed. Barcelona will be amazing and you deserve all the goodness to come...sending love and hugs
This is once again relevant, Victoria, and I’m grateful you mentioned me so I could read it again. This holiday and transition has been difficult with my grandma’s death and bad health news from a really close friend. I’m feeling heavy and discouraged, and though I keep trying to keep my head above water, it often feels like life is determined to push me down. I wonder, when will it be my turn to rest and be taken care of? Is that selfish?
While I still did set goals with my husband, as per tradition, we’re taking it slowly. I’ve long realised that I don’t start coming alive until March anyway. This year, that buffer is extra needed.
Sending you love from across the ocean. I know we’re in this for the long haul, and sustenance is sometimes found in others who understand.
Hugs Tiffany. I'm sorry things are so disheartening right now—my heartfelt condolences for your grandmother's passing and I know how our friends' health-news can weigh on us. I don't think it's selfish at all - you know that in your heart.
I think you also know that you need to carve out time for yourself, hon. Unfortunately, no one can do that for us.
I'm sending empathetic resonance, hugs and love and gently nudging to lay the responsibilities and burdens down to take care of yourself in a way that makes sense/meaningful to you.
Messy humaning hard can also mean owning our own space - does that make sense?
P.S here via DM if you need to chat. ❤️
Thank you for this. Today I am home taking care of myself because I need it. I have a supportive husband and I am not going to feel guilty about not being somewhere even though I think I’m needed.
You're very welcome, Donna. I'm glad to hear your taking care of yourself. Thank you for reading and commenting. Self-compassion is so important. Take care xo
Hi Victoria, thank you for directing me to this essay again this year. I resonate more than ever the sentiment of not wanting and needing to fall under the societal pressure to make any new year resolution type thing or to follow any extrinsic timeline at all. I have adopted a new way of thinking about time so that I'm not led by the nose by the Western linear concept of time being a commodity to be spent and thus feeling the stress that less and less time is left of our lives. I now look at each event and gathering in the past as an addition to my lifetime that has no future, only the past, lived in the only way humans can, messy, unpredictable, uncontrollable and full of surprises, both happy and sad and everything in between. That way I feel liberated from the strait jacket of a linear timeline and the anxiety about a future that no one can predict.
I hope you're savoring the moments of your life too in the unique way you have adopted from being a long-time caregiver and much much more.
Sending you much love ❤️
This is so beautifully expressed, Lily. Thank you. Yes, this resonates, especially because any 'what ifs' in the future can lead to more fear or inevitabilities that can steal my joy and the precious time we have right now.
I also avoid 'wasting time', 'killing time' - time is our most precious gift. So, it's apt that caregiving has changed my relationship with it. Thank you for expressing this, in your special artistic way, Lily.
Warm hugs and love.
Hello Victoria, thank you for including me in this gorgeous, honest post.
The kindest thing I am doing is taking a week off from most things, especially media, and listening for what is true for me as we cross this threshold in kinship.
I love your poem, "If I Could" — I would sleep more...
Big hug to you, sister. Your heart touches me.
Thank you, hon. I'm glad to hear you're taking a week off. After everything you've managed to navigate this year for you, for the girls and staying true to yourself - it's inspiring and also awe filling at just how much work, emotional labour and energy you've put into 2025!!
Thank you for sharing and continuing to shine bright, Prajna.
Thanks Victoria
Thanks for reading! xo
Sometimes we must just embrace the mess - yes!
The New Year feels like a good time to reflect and set intentions for many, but if it doesn't, and it just feels like a "should" - what's the point?! Thanks as always for your generous empathy toward all the caregivers in our various chapters. ❤️
Thanks, Anna! 'Should' is relegated to a swear word in my book ;-) I'm gently giving myself more space...not only on the eve of my Dad's death but also because our good friend passed just after I hit publish on this article...holding space to remember these unique special souls. There is potent magic and life in all this, but not around numbers/goals/achievements...reflections and intentions are materialising that feel right and with a lot of heart xoxo❤️
Well done and so very relatable. Especially the Envy in grief at this time of the year. The Envy, how everyone else gets to say they’re not available for work because it’s a holiday but when your caregiving there are no holidays.
Thank you for this. Lovely poem and encouragement.
Thanks, Prajna. Exactly. For many caregivers I know this time is MORE stressful with agency-carer support more limited, or people bringing flu / covid into homes with immunocompromised people....and well you know what it's like.
And yet, we count our blessings and focus on the beauty of the small moments —where there's magic and soul.
Best wishes to you and your girls and furbaby - Woody (that's his name right?) xo
Thx yes Woody
Thank you for acknowledging all the messiness and complexities of this time of year. Also, what a beautiful poem. The "glue of love" is a phrase that will stay with me!
Thanks, Christine! Human messiness can be beautiful, especially when glued with love ;-) I keep thinking of the Japanese art of Kintsugi,
Oh I love that art form and what a powerful metaphor it is for our own brokeness.
Yes! Our brokeness & imperfections are our human-ness, our growth & beauty, if we choose to see them that way.
Beautifully said Victoria, and wishing you a gentle transition into the new year ❤️
Thank you Vicki. The same to you xo
Hi Vicky! Thank you for holding the space for all of us who aren't celebrating the new year in the conventional way and encouraging us to "make space for the inevitable uncertainty, sadness and sometimes fear." And this is just so true: "A date on the calendar does not control our feelings and emotional state—in fact, it can even exacerbate them for caregivers! The date may change, but we can’t conveniently reschedule uncertainty, discomfort, or fear for another time."
I'm someone who prefers not to go through the festivities in November and December due to my past trauma. While staying at a distance from family (aka mom), I also have experienced guilt and fear (of her state of health). It was a delicate tightrope to walk on. This year I chose myself and am glad to have done so because I needed that space and time to heal. But I also have made the promise to visit and care for my mom at Lunar New Year. She will have an eye surgery so it's time for me to step up as a caregiver again (which makes this month such a precious time to be alone and reset my nervous system).
My warmest wishes to you and gratitude for your generous spirit.
Hello hon. You're very welcome. I'm glad this resonated with you and offered empathy for your feelings at this time of year. Walking alongside you. Take care xo
What a beautiful poem and I absolutely love Brené Brown. I love our synchronistic thoughts as well!
I’m in a quiet place today. Woke with my neck and back hurting and worried about returning swallowing issues. Then realized it’s all due to tension. Rolled things out and it’s a little better. Finding calm when things don’t feel right is my only goal as I bring in the new year. My wife is also working and I will be alone. I’m looking forward to what that means. I CAN be left alone. No caretaker. Just me even though I’m still bedbound. Enjoying some solitude and doing what makes me happy. No resolutions. No big plans. Just quiet time with myself and that I can do that is more than enough.
HUGS! Thanks, Keisha. Very cool our thoughts are in synch❤️
I'm glad to hear you managed to roll out some of the tension. Have a lovely relaxed evening.xo
It’s interesting. My perspective is very different this year. I don’t feel caught up in the messiness, if anything, I’m tired of it. The negatives, the uncertainty, the pain and feeling of loss. I felt a lot of it on Christmas. I miss seeing my family and I’m tired of this endless quarantine, but still choose it because my health comes first.
I have a lot of longing more than anything, but this longing is also a looking forward. For the first time in five, going on six years, I’m excited about the future. This is a sensation I’ve been afraid of for so long because of the uncertainty of being chronically ill, but I’m allowing myself to feel it, to enjoy it, because I’ve fought so hard to get this far and I feel it’s high-time I truly embrace my successes. I want to plan and think about what’s next. I want the magic that I’ve gone so long without.
I know I will always have struggles. I was horrible for two months and then my kitty of 16 years suddenly died a couple weeks ago. It was devastating, The grief is strong, the loss is heavy, as well as the realization that no matter how hard I’ve worked to heal, my life will never be the same. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’ve grown so much. I see things so differently and that’s not a bad thing. I’ve spent years of solitude and therapy thinking and talking about my fears and pain, I want to explore the other side for a change, you know?
Thank you for sharing so openly here, hon. I hear you. You've worked so hard for where you are now - I SO hear you.
We've evolved and changed, we're curating our definition of thriving in what's meaningful to us - our definition is unique...we can still envy or long more other things but considering where we were, where we are now is a BIG step forward.
No one can take that from you and I absolutely agree this needs celebrating.
My heartfelt condolences for the loss of your kitty.
Big hugs hon. Thank you for being you.
Thanks so much Victoria! You’re so right about curating our own definition of thriving. Big hug back! I feel like we all have to contend with so many conflicting emotions in the chronic illness sphere. Isn’t it such a journey learning to give credence to all of them? ♥️
Thanks so much! Same to you!!
Yes to happy messy human days. Thank you for this, Victoria. Lots of love.
You're welcome, thanks for being here and commenting, dear Tiffany. HUGS and love!
Victoria, you have a remarkable ability to articulate my feelings. Thank you. I wish you the best that life has to offer in 2025.
Thank you, dear Sammie. My best wishes to you both.
Beautiful, Victoria! While I am in an anticipatory mood with my upcoming move Feb 2nd to Barcelona, and do enjoy (and feel quite ready for) my current explorations for intentions, new directions, a word of the year, a retrospective view of the past year, I know it isn't for everyone and how compassionate and thoughtful this "permission" essay is. I think it is very sensible to let this period of time of "unknowing" what you would like from the new year to extend as long as it needs to with our human messiness. Much love to you and wishing you a new year of peace and love.
Thank you dear Amy. YES! A Permission essay...exactly! Magic and excitement will appear...that's the beauty of life...I think we've got wise to hastening change, speed. Barcelona will be amazing and you deserve all the goodness to come...sending love and hugs
Thank you Victoria! Maybe on a trip to England next year where I have family we can meet IRL😀
xo❤️