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Sarah Coomber's avatar

Fascinating! "Get your butterflies flying in formation." Such a constructive suggestion!

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Jodi Sh. Doff's avatar

I didn't get past here before I recognized myself and my family dynamic and things fell into place: "my stepfather became pretty enraged that I had upset my mother." In our case, it was my father. The only time he ever hit me was not for because I had done something wrong or bad, but because the thing I did upset his wife. His wife was also my mother, but the way he viewed it, I upset HIS WIFE, as if I had no relationship to her. I've been aware of that for a long time, but this is the first time I saw just how I was set up to be responsible for her emotions and happiness.

His punishing me for upsetting her only upset her more, but of course, no one could see that at the time and she learned not to react externally, visibly. I learned staying safe meant keeping her happy. Ack. Family dynamics.

I've always felt like it was her and I against him, that I was protecting her from his anger, while she felt like she was protecting ME from his anger. Both of those things were true, but in addition, it meant I was responsible for her happiness. Taking it a step further, any interaction I had with my mother, would somehow trigger something in my father.

Years of family therapy in an instant epiphany. Thank you. I mean, he's dead and she's got dementia so it's all about healing relationships with ghosts, but still, I felt a bit of the burden of my mother's happiness lift.

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