Inspiration: '5 Sparks to inspire a fresh perspective.'

by Victoria Chin

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor Frankl

Here are five sparks of inspiration to tease your brain into fresh spaces of reflection. A reframing to give you pause for thought.

Spark 1: A powerful image.

Credit: "The Expectations of Others" cartoon by  NakedPastor aka David Hayward, who seeks to tell the naked truth

Thinking of your goals and expectations

• How did you set your goals for 2023? Did you have non-work goals?

• Were your goals aligned with your values? Are you able to articulate your core values?

• What are your expectations of yourself? Can you explain the origin story behind those expectations?

Instead of letting your inner critic run wild, consider holding your emotions and thoughts gently. Year-end exhaustion can obscure and distort reflections of the year. A 'Timeline Exercise' can provide perspective and a framework to review 2023 events. It also enables a calibration of events versus those of previous years. Here is an easy, yet powerful subjective review and a unique Frame of Reference.

Spark 2: I recommend watching Susan David's TedTalk Click here and to read her book 'Emotional Agility'.

Here's an excerpt from her book:

‘Walking your why’ is the art of living by your own personal set of values – the beliefs and behaviours you hold dear and give you a sense of meaning and satisfaction. Identifying and acting on the values that are truly your own – not those imposed on you by others, not what you think you ‘should’ care about, but what you genuinely do care about – is the crucial next step of achieving emotional agility.

David, Susan. Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life (pp. 110-111). Penguin Books Ltd. Kindle Edition.

Everybody has their unique journey and circumstances. Can you articulate yours? Beyond your resumé or curriculum vitae? What have been your biggest turning-point decisions and what drove those decisions?

Navigating your journey, and making the 'right' decisions can sometimes feel impossible, especially when those decisions come faster and harder as we get older. It also feels like younger generations are ageing faster under the strains of modern society.

These are some of the reasons, why creating your space to reflect is important - to breathe and think, and not be pushed.

My journey so far, has been comprised of 10 countries, 18 relocations, and 37 disruptions, 9 of which were life quakes (to use Bruce Feiler's terminology). These are the numbers but there is a strong thread of values running through all of these changes and movements. I can vividly describe the moments when I made the biggest decisions; they are etched as anchors in my memory.

Spark 3: Brené Brown's book: 'Braving the Wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone'

Do you believe in good timing? ‘Braving the Wilderness’ was published in September 2017, and affirmed my calling, to align with my personal value system. As I read it, I felt my Head-Heart-Gut aligned decision was validated.

Here are 2 key quotes from the start of 'Braving the Wilderness':

'You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great. " Maya Angelou

This was the moment when the core, defining story of how I saw myself—a young, lonely, not-shiny girl standing hopelessly in front of a gym door scouring a poster for confirmation that she belonged somewhere—shifted. I had achieved success with my work. I had a great partner and great kids. But until that moment, I wasn’t free of that story of not belonging in my world or my family of origin.'

Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone (p. 27). Ebury Publishing. Kindle Edition.

I got hold of the full transcript7 of that interview between Bill Moyers and Maya Angelou, and I read for the first time these final remarks:

MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?

ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.

MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?

ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and courage very much. And when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t … that doesn’t please me—then I have to deal with that.

I looked up from reading this exchange and thought, Maya belongs to Maya. I belong to myself. I get it. I don’t quite have it completely, but at least I’m getting it.

Brown, Brené. Braving the Wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone (pp. 28-29). Ebury Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Thoughts?

Spark 4: This essay by

Cissy Hu

: A lifetime of Should-ing the case for an existential crisis

An excerpt from her essay (please read the Full Essay here) :

In hindsight, it’s clear why taking a good hard look at myself and what I wanted for the first time set off a series of cascading avalanches in my life. By giving myself the permission to envision and make strides towards a new life, I was coming to terms with the fact that my life had been driven by both societal and self-imposed obligations.

playing within the lines

For most of my life, my decisions were driven by invisible shoulds which manifested as ambivalence. It’s not that I felt like I had no agency over my life, but I often felt indecisive at the trailhead of a big decision. I simply did not know myself well enough to make informed decisions on my own behalf. When I found myself at crossroads, it was easier to flag down others for their advice and hitch a ride to the “right” destination than trust that I would get us there safely.

It's worth reading her wonderful essay. Beautifully articulate and wise. The way she writes is comforting and is a gentle release for anyone struggling with the ‘should-ing’.

What has your 'should-ing' looked like? Can you describe the difference between 'should-ing' and when you belonged to yourself?

Spark 5: David Hayward’s cartoon and short essay

I first saw the cartoon by NakedPastor, on a post made by Susan David on Instagram in 2018. I've only recently tracked down the artist; David Hayward. Here is the essay that accompanies the cartoon: (July 2nd 2017). I recommend reading it in full.

The first part of his powerful essay:

The CruciFiction: He started receiving the bars for his cage at a very, very early age, each one given with love and concern forged with dreams and expectations. He took them all because we all do. Later he understood why. He was told that like all healthy people, he needed a barrier, a kind of fence to ensure that he had a firm boundary for his ego to develop safe and secure, without gaps or holes, or else it would cause his ego to spill out and become undefined and blurred, precipitating ego confusion and mental illness. But as a child he didn't know this and accepted the bars without question because that's what children do. He continued welcoming the bars for his cage into his youth. The constant pressure to conform and to please were so great. Occasionally he rebelliously broke out of his cage to experiment in the world. But eventually and always he returned to the comfort and security of his cage making everyone around him happy and pleased and himself spent but relieved. As a young man the bars were increasingly apparent and annoying. But what could he possibly do now? The boundaries of his life were so clearly defined, as were the boundaries of others, that it felt impossible for him to deny and defy the corporate enterprise. He knew that to escape this cage would not only implicate a psychic break from himself but a critical break from all others. He knew that his identity was known by the cage he inhabited. Escaping it meant escaping himself and others and the risks were too great to take. The wall against the world had become a wall against him. As he got older he resigned himself to owning his cage and contentedly living within it. He was just as committed to it as was everyone who loved him. Because to every bar of his cage was attached a string, and at the other end of that string was the loved one who gave it to him. Discarding the bar held the threat of discarding the loved one. Throwing the bar into the sea could drown in sorrow the other attached to it. Walking away from his cage meant walking away from everyone he knew, for they would look for him and not find him where they left him.

Thank you David Hayward. Here is the rest of the essay that accompanies the cartoon: (July 2nd 2017).

5 sparks, on a theme of expectations, values, freedom and belonging.

Just as you would make time for a friend, I hope you can create some space over the holiday for self-compassionate reflection. If you're feeling frustrated after reading this, the sparks are working. After all, discomfort is associated with learning and growth, figuring out the best way forward; your next decisions and response. I’m sure Viktor Frankl would approve.

I recommend leaning into the work of Susan David (website) and Brené Brown (website), for more reflection and support. Also, Kristin Neff and Chris Germer are the go-to experts on self-compassion, there are free guided practices on their website.

Before 2024, before making more plans, try to enjoy the sticky, uncomfortable middle space of reflection, to set out strong after the holidays.

If you found this article useful or it resonated with your own experience, please share this with someone who would also appreciate some inspiration.