Such an important piece! I feel so much empathy for what this woman has gone through. It has always been difficult for me to ask for help. But when my mom had dementia in the last years of her life, leaving me to care long distance for not only her but my terminally ill younger brother and my older brother with autism. At the same time, I was also the caregiver for my husband, who has a cognitive disability due to brain cancer, I knew I could not cope on my own. Fortunately, my mom had the resources to hire a care manager, who was such a blessing. I also sought counseling for myself to help me get through it all. Interesting that it was easier for me to pay someone to help me than to reach out to friends.
Hi Helen, thanks for your empathy. I am so sorry you had such an enormous caregiving load! I'm glad that you had a counselor to help you through all of that. Yes, it is much easier to pay someone if you have the means than to ask friends and family for community. I think the risk of being turned down might have something to do with that for me. Also, my own feelings due to past trauma, thinking that somehow I don't deserve help, come into play. We all deserve help and support! Knowing that intellectually vs. knowing that emotionally can be two very different things. This and other experiences that followed continue to teach me that others want to help if I am vulnerable enough to ask. I feel that ultimately, we are all here to love and be loved.
Beautiful piece on the importance of asking for help.
We were moving in the middle of one of our crises and I had to asks dear friend to help me pack my kitchen. My son was in the hospital, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was desperate. She came and packed and listened. It was so beautiful and so difficult. She offered me a lifeline in that dark moment and I will forever be thankful.
How wonderful that you had that dear friend to help you in your time of need! Isn't it interesting how we can hold opposing experiences of the "beautiful" and the "difficult" simultaneously? Thanks for sharing about that lifeline when you were in a deep crisis and the beauty and gratitude that resulted from it. It's a great example of what can happen when we allow ourselves to receive and complete the circle of love. Much love to you, too! <3
In order to ask for help, I first had to remind myself that while the saying is something like It is more blessed to give than to receive, that if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing. When I give someone the opportunity to help me, we both get a blessing. They get the blessing of giving and I receive the blessing of the gift of their help. This doesn't mean that it is always easy for me to ask, but if I stop and remember this principle, it makes it easier sometimes. It's humorous to me to remember that the first time I used the idea that if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing was many years ago when I helped a young wife who badly needed clothes. After I had paid the bill for the clothes we had chosen, she kept thanking me over and over. I finally told her that I should be thanking her for giving me the opportunity to receive the blessing of being able to give because if no one receives then no one receives that blessing. She paused, thought and then broke out in the most beautiful smile and said "This way we both get blessed." I sometimes wonder if she has ever had the chance to receive the blessing of giving. I try to make myself remember that when I need help and have to ask.
It's nice to know that you had the same thought, and I love your perspective that "if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing." I like to think that the young person did get a chance to experience the blessing of giving. You were a great example for her. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Julie - While I understand your wish to help others, I consider your comment self-promotion for your book and not aligned with Carer Mentor's reply rules. (See bottom right corner of the comment box above.)
Please could you use the 3 dots to the right of your comment to edit your response to address Kaeli's letter and discussion prompt, and perhaps explain how your experience relates to or resonates with what's written? Or delete your comment. I monitor all comments.
The Carer Mentor community discussions are about sharing and exchanging experiences and thoughts. They're not an opportunity for promotion. I can understand that you may want to share your learnings/wisdom - please do so in a way that responds to the relevant article rather than using it to draw attention to your book. Alternatively, write a Substack note or article elsewhere.
The Carer Mentor website is neither a source nor a target audience for promotion. I carefully delete comments or ban subscribers who risk disrupting this space for carers.
Thank you for sharing your story and showing us how strong you are!
My inspirational quote: “It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.” (Winston S. Churchill).
When it came to asking for help I realized no one was going to help. I have to do it all on my own. My needs are too great to put onto other people.
Thanks for your encouragement. And yes there are times when we have to do what we must.
Such an important piece! I feel so much empathy for what this woman has gone through. It has always been difficult for me to ask for help. But when my mom had dementia in the last years of her life, leaving me to care long distance for not only her but my terminally ill younger brother and my older brother with autism. At the same time, I was also the caregiver for my husband, who has a cognitive disability due to brain cancer, I knew I could not cope on my own. Fortunately, my mom had the resources to hire a care manager, who was such a blessing. I also sought counseling for myself to help me get through it all. Interesting that it was easier for me to pay someone to help me than to reach out to friends.
Hi Helen, thanks for your empathy. I am so sorry you had such an enormous caregiving load! I'm glad that you had a counselor to help you through all of that. Yes, it is much easier to pay someone if you have the means than to ask friends and family for community. I think the risk of being turned down might have something to do with that for me. Also, my own feelings due to past trauma, thinking that somehow I don't deserve help, come into play. We all deserve help and support! Knowing that intellectually vs. knowing that emotionally can be two very different things. This and other experiences that followed continue to teach me that others want to help if I am vulnerable enough to ask. I feel that ultimately, we are all here to love and be loved.
Beautiful piece on the importance of asking for help.
We were moving in the middle of one of our crises and I had to asks dear friend to help me pack my kitchen. My son was in the hospital, I wasn’t eating or sleeping and I was desperate. She came and packed and listened. It was so beautiful and so difficult. She offered me a lifeline in that dark moment and I will forever be thankful.
Thank you for sharing your truth! Much love 💕
How wonderful that you had that dear friend to help you in your time of need! Isn't it interesting how we can hold opposing experiences of the "beautiful" and the "difficult" simultaneously? Thanks for sharing about that lifeline when you were in a deep crisis and the beauty and gratitude that resulted from it. It's a great example of what can happen when we allow ourselves to receive and complete the circle of love. Much love to you, too! <3
In order to ask for help, I first had to remind myself that while the saying is something like It is more blessed to give than to receive, that if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing. When I give someone the opportunity to help me, we both get a blessing. They get the blessing of giving and I receive the blessing of the gift of their help. This doesn't mean that it is always easy for me to ask, but if I stop and remember this principle, it makes it easier sometimes. It's humorous to me to remember that the first time I used the idea that if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing was many years ago when I helped a young wife who badly needed clothes. After I had paid the bill for the clothes we had chosen, she kept thanking me over and over. I finally told her that I should be thanking her for giving me the opportunity to receive the blessing of being able to give because if no one receives then no one receives that blessing. She paused, thought and then broke out in the most beautiful smile and said "This way we both get blessed." I sometimes wonder if she has ever had the chance to receive the blessing of giving. I try to make myself remember that when I need help and have to ask.
It's nice to know that you had the same thought, and I love your perspective that "if no one receives, then no one gets the blessing." I like to think that the young person did get a chance to experience the blessing of giving. You were a great example for her. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, experience and that beautiful anecdote, Edie. SO true. xo
Hi Julie - While I understand your wish to help others, I consider your comment self-promotion for your book and not aligned with Carer Mentor's reply rules. (See bottom right corner of the comment box above.)
Please could you use the 3 dots to the right of your comment to edit your response to address Kaeli's letter and discussion prompt, and perhaps explain how your experience relates to or resonates with what's written? Or delete your comment. I monitor all comments.
The Carer Mentor community discussions are about sharing and exchanging experiences and thoughts. They're not an opportunity for promotion. I can understand that you may want to share your learnings/wisdom - please do so in a way that responds to the relevant article rather than using it to draw attention to your book. Alternatively, write a Substack note or article elsewhere.
The Carer Mentor website is neither a source nor a target audience for promotion. I carefully delete comments or ban subscribers who risk disrupting this space for carers.
Thank you