I truly hope that you, in your heart, know just how amazing of a woman, friend, DAUGHTER, caregiver and writer you are. I’ve been reading your articles and this one got me. You are fearless with your love and the compassion you exude is remarkable. I have few but fond and strange memories of you when we were kids. Strange in a good sense. I’m only sorry that I missed out on the years in between. What you are doing for your Mom is absolutely beautiful. My love to you and your Mama ♥️
Love ya long time, Jodi! I need your wisdom and badass bravery to keep things real. xoxo I'm writing my reply to your prompt question. Cross-post and a follow-up??
Yeah, such a bad ass. After three nights of her, waking up and staying up at 2 o’clock in the morning and needing constant attention while she was up, I took yesterday to myself, my meals consisted of instant macaroni and cheese, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, coffee and a bag of Doritos Cool Ranch while watching bad teenage girl movies, TWILIGHT.
Loved this letter from Jodi. I cared at home as sole caregiver for my mom with dementia, in October 2022, and she passed away last April. I made that wrenching decision that younger you was counseling older you about, in the last months of her life, when I felt she needed the kind of round-the-clock nursing care I wasn't equipped to provide, when my own health and sanity was fraying, affecting our loving relationship, I was so damn tired (I get it!) -- the best local memory care facility I could find, visiting her daily (and if not, my sister visited). I still to this day carry guilt about the decision, even though I know my mother, had she been cognitively able to voice it, would not have wanted the ongoing self-sacrifice from her recently divorced and struggling daughter. Yet I know no one would care for her the way I would...sigh. I do get the dilemma your letter so clearly lays out. Please have so much compassion for yourself, whatever you decide. Love persists, I really believe that -- it doesn't always have to look a certain way, the way we thought it would.
Big hugs, hon and boatloads of empathy. I've other caregiver friends who feel the same way. Grief and guilt, complicated with some anger at the care home.
You made the right decision because you had to make the choice, and in my book, no one has the right or the eligibility to counter that, let alone judge you.
A the same time, our inner critic and love set impossible self-standards that hurt. As love perseveres, so does the inner critic chatter of grief and guilt. Love can hurt hard.
Part of me envies those mother-daughter times you could have together. There's some rage-guilt in my grief-love mix, given the no sleep, crises and numerous, blue-lit trips to ER with Dad. The sharp edges have smoothed a little but remain.
So, I completely resonate that our love and caring can look very different from how we thought it would.AND I also think it's why i revolt against care-splainers sprouting advice when they've not walked over coals and through the fire.
I loved this, Jodi. The pandemic really screwed so many of us in unexpected ways. Your relationship with your mom is beautiful, but I do wish you could take a big long vacation somewhere glamorous. You deserve it, and then some.
This was so incredibly timely and possibly livesaving... Thank you so much for sharing your heart and wisdom on this very complex subject. I feel empowered to listen to my own.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Rebecca. I'm glad Jodi's letter arrived at the right time for you. Check out Jodi's publication 'The Long Goodbye' and have a look around Carer Mentor. Here if you need more support/have questions.
Jodi, just wow. I'm always amazed by your words and how even in the struggles of caring for your mom, you show such love and compassion. Like this is the path you would have chosen no matter what you told your younger self.
You prove that there are an infinite number of ways to care for your parent. I know I would have made the same decision with the fear and death toll of the pandemic.
I've read your essays and you have not had an easy path, but you always choose to love your mom selflessly. It's beautiful, heart wrenching, and reminds me why I have made certain decisions on caring for my mom.
Thank you and sending you and you mom lots of love!❤️
Jodi, in response to your question 'What do we owe our parents in their old age and do we owe them more if they were good parents than if they were neglectful?'
The more I think about this, the more I think it deserves a collab-article of its own!
A few thoughts from me:
I don't feel I 'owe' my parents anything - I came to a head, heart, gut aligned decision that I had to resign from my job and help Mum care for Dad, for ME. I made it very clear to my parents and my chosen family that this was my choice.
It's also because I rebel against the 'filial piety' aspects of Chinese culture. I may appear to be the dutiful daughter to some, but I'm fierce about agency, choice and independence. I guess that's why I dislike reductive narratives and assumptions; I've encountered many wrong conclusions and misperceptions.
I can't speak for others, or for situations where parents were neglectful...
That's my short answer. Several things drive that head, heart, gut alignment, but that's a much longer story! ;-) ❤️
So healing, Victoria! I agree that you make a decision to care for parents from one's heart and soul alignment. I am forever grateful that I chose to care for my dad in his last months, to his very last breath. And I was there for my mother, as well, years later. Each caring task brought me closer to their humanity, flawed, fearful, blessed. In this way, the circle could close on the shared pain, guilt, and shame. We made it through to the end together, past this life.
Thank you for your kind words, and the opportunity to be part of this project. 🙏🏼
I truly hope that you, in your heart, know just how amazing of a woman, friend, DAUGHTER, caregiver and writer you are. I’ve been reading your articles and this one got me. You are fearless with your love and the compassion you exude is remarkable. I have few but fond and strange memories of you when we were kids. Strange in a good sense. I’m only sorry that I missed out on the years in between. What you are doing for your Mom is absolutely beautiful. My love to you and your Mama ♥️
Thanks Bev. 💕. You knew me at my worst!
Love ya long time, Jodi! I need your wisdom and badass bravery to keep things real. xoxo I'm writing my reply to your prompt question. Cross-post and a follow-up??
Same! I wish I had a bit of Jodi's badassery.
Yeah, such a bad ass. After three nights of her, waking up and staying up at 2 o’clock in the morning and needing constant attention while she was up, I took yesterday to myself, my meals consisted of instant macaroni and cheese, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, coffee and a bag of Doritos Cool Ranch while watching bad teenage girl movies, TWILIGHT.
Loved this letter from Jodi. I cared at home as sole caregiver for my mom with dementia, in October 2022, and she passed away last April. I made that wrenching decision that younger you was counseling older you about, in the last months of her life, when I felt she needed the kind of round-the-clock nursing care I wasn't equipped to provide, when my own health and sanity was fraying, affecting our loving relationship, I was so damn tired (I get it!) -- the best local memory care facility I could find, visiting her daily (and if not, my sister visited). I still to this day carry guilt about the decision, even though I know my mother, had she been cognitively able to voice it, would not have wanted the ongoing self-sacrifice from her recently divorced and struggling daughter. Yet I know no one would care for her the way I would...sigh. I do get the dilemma your letter so clearly lays out. Please have so much compassion for yourself, whatever you decide. Love persists, I really believe that -- it doesn't always have to look a certain way, the way we thought it would.
Big hugs, hon and boatloads of empathy. I've other caregiver friends who feel the same way. Grief and guilt, complicated with some anger at the care home.
You made the right decision because you had to make the choice, and in my book, no one has the right or the eligibility to counter that, let alone judge you.
A the same time, our inner critic and love set impossible self-standards that hurt. As love perseveres, so does the inner critic chatter of grief and guilt. Love can hurt hard.
Part of me envies those mother-daughter times you could have together. There's some rage-guilt in my grief-love mix, given the no sleep, crises and numerous, blue-lit trips to ER with Dad. The sharp edges have smoothed a little but remain.
So, I completely resonate that our love and caring can look very different from how we thought it would.AND I also think it's why i revolt against care-splainers sprouting advice when they've not walked over coals and through the fire.
I loved this, Jodi. The pandemic really screwed so many of us in unexpected ways. Your relationship with your mom is beautiful, but I do wish you could take a big long vacation somewhere glamorous. You deserve it, and then some.
I would like to see Italy…Reread Patricia Highsmith’s Ripley series and see the towns that are probably very very different now.
I hope your wish comes true!
This was so incredibly timely and possibly livesaving... Thank you so much for sharing your heart and wisdom on this very complex subject. I feel empowered to listen to my own.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Rebecca. I'm glad Jodi's letter arrived at the right time for you. Check out Jodi's publication 'The Long Goodbye' and have a look around Carer Mentor. Here if you need more support/have questions.
Jodi, just wow. I'm always amazed by your words and how even in the struggles of caring for your mom, you show such love and compassion. Like this is the path you would have chosen no matter what you told your younger self.
You prove that there are an infinite number of ways to care for your parent. I know I would have made the same decision with the fear and death toll of the pandemic.
I've read your essays and you have not had an easy path, but you always choose to love your mom selflessly. It's beautiful, heart wrenching, and reminds me why I have made certain decisions on caring for my mom.
Thank you and sending you and you mom lots of love!❤️
Jodi, in response to your question 'What do we owe our parents in their old age and do we owe them more if they were good parents than if they were neglectful?'
The more I think about this, the more I think it deserves a collab-article of its own!
A few thoughts from me:
I don't feel I 'owe' my parents anything - I came to a head, heart, gut aligned decision that I had to resign from my job and help Mum care for Dad, for ME. I made it very clear to my parents and my chosen family that this was my choice.
It's also because I rebel against the 'filial piety' aspects of Chinese culture. I may appear to be the dutiful daughter to some, but I'm fierce about agency, choice and independence. I guess that's why I dislike reductive narratives and assumptions; I've encountered many wrong conclusions and misperceptions.
I can't speak for others, or for situations where parents were neglectful...
That's my short answer. Several things drive that head, heart, gut alignment, but that's a much longer story! ;-) ❤️
So healing, Victoria! I agree that you make a decision to care for parents from one's heart and soul alignment. I am forever grateful that I chose to care for my dad in his last months, to his very last breath. And I was there for my mother, as well, years later. Each caring task brought me closer to their humanity, flawed, fearful, blessed. In this way, the circle could close on the shared pain, guilt, and shame. We made it through to the end together, past this life.
Aw Kate, hugs. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this! My heart just breaks for all the hard choices you’ve had to make.
This is so good. The honesty is powerful.
Thanks Moorea. 💕
I really enjoyed this. It was clever, honest, and so very real❤️
Thanks for reading, Trevy. 💗
You're very welcome❣️