Poem: 'We don't like the Hero-ing'

Written by Victoria Chin. For carers empathy and listening are more powerful gifts of support than suggesting solutions- no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

This poem emerged after conversations with friends and text exchanges with other carers.

Empathy and listening are more powerful gifts of support than suggesting solutions- no matter how well-intentioned they may be. Be present alongside us, not a 'hero'.

I've been through the days and years of non-stop hyper-vigilant caring when we were looking after my Dad. So, I empathise and relive all the moments in these lines. Trying to help others understand, or rather, educate why we do something one way, and not another, or why their suggestion, 'better way' will not be tried, - can be a constant battle. These exchanges expend energy we don't have.

I'm blessed that my Mother and I forged our alignment, and boundaries together during our care of Dad. So these days, we band together in what we will and won't do, now that I'm caring for her.

If you're a Carer wrestling with frustration vent it out with other Carers on the Carers UK forum (it's an anonymous online forum). Click here

If you know a Carer, please ask how you can help or just sit in empathy over a cup of tea and listen. Sitting-in-empathy speaks volumes.

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I am deplete.
Whilst knowing I need to do more.
I've drained my store, of laughs and spark,
and I'm left with only the dregs of snark.
I know I'm not alone, in saying
'There's more to me than caring ', and thankfully
I've friends who empathise, don't criticise 
my complex situation. They take a stand, 
alongside me, hand-in-hand.

Whilst everyone else, chooses what they'd like to do
I am constrained, in all I do.
Some may feel they're imprisoned to care
But I have reams of love I wish to share.
But please don't ask for me to 'care-splain every thing' I do
You don't understand unless you've been through
the rollercoaster that only a carer can understand
drained of sleep,  muted, invisible  talked-to only on the backhand.

If you're here, ASK what we need or what you can do
Don't assume or make it all about you!
Please absorb yourself into OUR routine
Don't make it martyrdom, applause and want to be hero-seen.
We sense false-heroes, easily these days
and tend to forgive fast, but boundary our extreme.
We don't need to expend the energy that's running on fumes
Our loved ones take priority, not your ego or plumes.

So please excuse me, whilst we now retire
fatigued, exhausted our energy expired.
We've done our best with festive season here
in typical carer-can-do agility, without fear,
to fulfil all that was asked, needed, essential, all done, 
Now to the insomniac's version of sleep, this will be the night-owls version of fun
Hopefully we'll recover, restore, recoup and be still
We don't play hero, this is just the typical 'Unpaid Carer's' life we're in.

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