Resource: 'Dr Brené Brown's TED Talk: Listening to shame'

Empathy is the antidote to shame. We're only human, perfectly imperfect and we, especially Caregivers, can only do the best we can. I'm right there in the arena with you.

This is the March 2012 TED talk that Brené Brown did as a sequel to her June 2010, TEDxHouston one.

Recommendation and Learning:

Today I needed this reminder for myself. Suffice it to say sleep is a luxury not just because deep restorative sleep can be elusive but also because some sleep is hijacked by nightmare memories or feelings. Why do the worst dreams linger after you've woken up?

Listening to Brené Brown is a great way to feel validated. It’s like here's your parking ticket in life that just keeps getting more and more expensive because we're running around trying to meet all the expectations being set on us (or the high standards we put on ourselves), and she comes along, and simply stamps that paper, with ‘we’re only human’ and finally we can see how to find our way out of critic-ville. This talk will never get old.

If you're feeling the 'Guilts' or yuck. I recommend listening to this talk and her 2010 TEDxHouston talk.

Reminders:

• Vulnerability is essential for wholehearted living

• Vulnerability is being courageous,

• The antidote to shame is empathy,

• How we overcome guilt is by doing our best to align our behaviors with our values whilst doing our best to tune out our inner critic.

• We are not bad, we feel bad because we think we’re not doing enough, or being enough. Carers can be constantly self-guilted with ‘shoulds’: we should be able to do everything on the endless list but it's physically impossible to hold a hand and run to a pharmacy and call to check on an appointment.

• Take a breath is my recommendation and give yourself some compassion and empathy. Plus consider categorising ‘should’ as a swear word.

Key quotes from the talk:

'Vulnerability is not weakness. It is emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty but it's also the most accurate measurement of courage, to be seen to be honest'

'Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change'

'Vulnerability TED'

'You got to dance with the one who brung ya. I learned about innovation, creativity and change and all these things from studying shame 'the swampland of the soul. We need to walk through, and find our way around. Why?'

'TEDtalks are the failure conference - very few people are afraid to fail, everyone fails'

Daring Greatly 'the man in the arena' poem

'Shame is like the gremlin ...and the critic is 99% of the time, ourselves; ..Never good enough or who do you think you are'

'Shame is a focus on self 'I am bad', guilt is a focus on behavior 'I did something bad'

Guilt 'I'm sorry I did a mistake' Shame 'I'm sorry that I'm a mistake

'Shame feels the same across genders, but it's organised by gender. Women - do it all do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. Unattainable conflicting expectations of who we are meant to be.Shame for men is do not be perceived as weak..they would rather die than see me fall down from my white charger'

'Shame is an epidemic in our culture. To get out from underneath it, back to each other, we need to understand how it drives us'

'Empathy is the antidote shame. Shame grows with secrecy, silence and judgment'

'The most powerful 2 words: ME TOO'

'If we going to find out way back to each other vulnerability is going to be that the path'

The Theodore Roosevelt quote from his 1910 speech:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Why you should listen

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation – Brené Brown Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She is also a visiting professor in management at The University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brown has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. She's the author of five #1 New York Times bestsellers: The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness and Dare to Lead, which is the culmination of a seven-year study on courage and leadership.

Brown hosts the Unlocking Us podcast, and her 2010 TED Talk, "The power of vulnerability," is one of the most viewed talks in the world. She is the first researcher to have a filmed lecture on Netflix; The Call to Courage special debuted on the streaming service in April 2019. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie.