Lots of great points here. I’ve been reframing my internal narrative about my role recently in an effort to help me view it with greater worth. I’m also being more mindful of my “shoulds” (a lifelong battle for me and, I imagine, many carers). And I never knew about resonance breathing thank you for that! PS we love The Naked Pastor and have for years. Great to see him mentioned here!
I did a lot of similar reflection back in 2015 and since then regularly review my thinking - each year I recalibrate because things keep evolving. All to say, you're not alone in those thoughts - hence why I wanted to write this article ahead of summer ;-)
Yes, David's work is SO good. I paid for the cartoon - someone had used it on a LinkedIn/FB post and I couldn't see who'd actually created it, so I did a bit of research and found him.
David is a good painting artist as well as cartoonist. My husband bought one of his originals years ago. He started off writing about and drawing cartoons in healthy criticism of American evangelical church culture. A lovely man too!
Ah those 'shoulds' definitely need to be looked out for!
Sadly New Zealand's wellbeing budget was rather short-lived. We currently have a right-wing government who definitely have economic priorities and are cutting access to health and disability services like crazy 😕
She was a fabulous leader, but sadly left the country very polarised after her strong COVID stance, and then the political pendulum swung completely 180 in the years that followed. I hope she has paved the way for others to follow her lead though.
Victoria, thank you for this. Your words were precisely what I needed today. I was “should-ing” on myself since the moment I woke up. And my husband’s been gone more than two years. I guess the “should’ve” is just as toxic. All those missed opportunities. The time that I. What was I thinking? And so on.
Thank you for the reminder about mindfulness, and about breathing. Resonant breathing is new to me. I’ll try it. With Mini in the process of leaving me (I keep thinking she’ll come back to her old self, she’s done it so many times, she must be immortal) I’m grieving right now. The caregiving is real: is she comfortable? Is this her favorite food, or SHOULD I buy the other brand? The reflex of self-blame is so powerful.
A good reminder about Covid. We’ve forgotten about it. My daughter had two recent surgeries, she’s immune suppressed. Picked up something both times. Not Covid, it was treatable with antibiotics. But with unvaccinated and unmasked people all around, it might have been.
Dearest, Mary - I'm so glad my words could be of comfort and support you today. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. Your resonance and thoughtful words always reassure and comfort me.
Absolutely, the 'should have's' are just as toxic and perhaps even more toxic because it's compounded with grief and can distort the facts and all the beautiful past moments. They are dangerous thoughts and rabbit holes.
Resonant breathing is very simple but I can see how it can steady our heart in times of stress.
Aww please give Mini gentle hugs and strokes from me. These anticipatory grief times are painful. The mental snapshots I wrote about can bring us back to the present moment and away from the should'ing. Sending hugs to you in these difficult times.
Yes, I've very Covid cautious after last year's 6-8hrs with family led to hospitalisation with covid and pneumonia. It was scary how that short exposure impacted us,
We very much live a COVID cautious existence because it really hit 3 of us out of 4 hard and I'm chronically ill anyway and it's made that worse as well as triggering long term illness in my daughter. So we all mask when out. My husband and daughter care for me, mostly picking up all the things I can't do now to keep the house going.
The knock on effect of illness/disability in a family definitely hits hard if you are such an obviously kind person as you are Victoria. How lucky your parents are to have you. I hope the heat and changes of the summer leave you time to breathe (both space and breath practices! I use those a lot!) Really thoughtful read thank you xx
Thanks so much for taking the time and energy to comment, hon! I SO hear you. I always mask and hand sanitise. We went through exactly what you said, last year - hospitalisation with Covid+pneumnoia and a month of trying to get back to our version of normal. I realised (after journaling a lot) my fear is less about the fact Mum gets ill and much MORE about my fear of having to deal with the emergency, advocating, pushing, orchestrating etc etc.
I appreciate your kind words. It's good to hear these practices are working for you too. Our days now, look very different to the fraught rollercoaster caring for Dad until he passed and I guess that's why I can compare, contrast and feel blessed for what others may perceive as boring moments, that are actually heavenly to us! Thanks! xo
Thank you. Victoria, for this. Always insightful words!
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Jeannie! I appreciate your resonance. xo ❤️
Lots of great points here. I’ve been reframing my internal narrative about my role recently in an effort to help me view it with greater worth. I’m also being more mindful of my “shoulds” (a lifelong battle for me and, I imagine, many carers). And I never knew about resonance breathing thank you for that! PS we love The Naked Pastor and have for years. Great to see him mentioned here!
I did a lot of similar reflection back in 2015 and since then regularly review my thinking - each year I recalibrate because things keep evolving. All to say, you're not alone in those thoughts - hence why I wanted to write this article ahead of summer ;-)
Yes, David's work is SO good. I paid for the cartoon - someone had used it on a LinkedIn/FB post and I couldn't see who'd actually created it, so I did a bit of research and found him.
David is a good painting artist as well as cartoonist. My husband bought one of his originals years ago. He started off writing about and drawing cartoons in healthy criticism of American evangelical church culture. A lovely man too!
Ah those 'shoulds' definitely need to be looked out for!
Sadly New Zealand's wellbeing budget was rather short-lived. We currently have a right-wing government who definitely have economic priorities and are cutting access to health and disability services like crazy 😕
Thanks for your comments, Vicki.
Yes it's such a shame. I need to make it clearer in the refs that there was a strong impetus that's shifted in recent years.
In May I read an interview with Jacinda Ardern that resonated. I'll find it to share with you.
She was a fabulous leader, but sadly left the country very polarised after her strong COVID stance, and then the political pendulum swung completely 180 in the years that followed. I hope she has paved the way for others to follow her lead though.
I really appreciated that breath work video, Victoria. Thank you for sharing it!
Victoria, thank you for this. Your words were precisely what I needed today. I was “should-ing” on myself since the moment I woke up. And my husband’s been gone more than two years. I guess the “should’ve” is just as toxic. All those missed opportunities. The time that I. What was I thinking? And so on.
Thank you for the reminder about mindfulness, and about breathing. Resonant breathing is new to me. I’ll try it. With Mini in the process of leaving me (I keep thinking she’ll come back to her old self, she’s done it so many times, she must be immortal) I’m grieving right now. The caregiving is real: is she comfortable? Is this her favorite food, or SHOULD I buy the other brand? The reflex of self-blame is so powerful.
A good reminder about Covid. We’ve forgotten about it. My daughter had two recent surgeries, she’s immune suppressed. Picked up something both times. Not Covid, it was treatable with antibiotics. But with unvaccinated and unmasked people all around, it might have been.
Sending big hugs and much gratitude. Mary xo ❤️🙏💕
Dearest, Mary - I'm so glad my words could be of comfort and support you today. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. Your resonance and thoughtful words always reassure and comfort me.
Absolutely, the 'should have's' are just as toxic and perhaps even more toxic because it's compounded with grief and can distort the facts and all the beautiful past moments. They are dangerous thoughts and rabbit holes.
Resonant breathing is very simple but I can see how it can steady our heart in times of stress.
Aww please give Mini gentle hugs and strokes from me. These anticipatory grief times are painful. The mental snapshots I wrote about can bring us back to the present moment and away from the should'ing. Sending hugs to you in these difficult times.
Yes, I've very Covid cautious after last year's 6-8hrs with family led to hospitalisation with covid and pneumonia. It was scary how that short exposure impacted us,
Big hugs, Mary.
We very much live a COVID cautious existence because it really hit 3 of us out of 4 hard and I'm chronically ill anyway and it's made that worse as well as triggering long term illness in my daughter. So we all mask when out. My husband and daughter care for me, mostly picking up all the things I can't do now to keep the house going.
The knock on effect of illness/disability in a family definitely hits hard if you are such an obviously kind person as you are Victoria. How lucky your parents are to have you. I hope the heat and changes of the summer leave you time to breathe (both space and breath practices! I use those a lot!) Really thoughtful read thank you xx
Thanks so much for taking the time and energy to comment, hon! I SO hear you. I always mask and hand sanitise. We went through exactly what you said, last year - hospitalisation with Covid+pneumnoia and a month of trying to get back to our version of normal. I realised (after journaling a lot) my fear is less about the fact Mum gets ill and much MORE about my fear of having to deal with the emergency, advocating, pushing, orchestrating etc etc.
I appreciate your kind words. It's good to hear these practices are working for you too. Our days now, look very different to the fraught rollercoaster caring for Dad until he passed and I guess that's why I can compare, contrast and feel blessed for what others may perceive as boring moments, that are actually heavenly to us! Thanks! xo
Thank you Victoria ☺️