Personal Opinion: 'Working within an outdated Frame of Reference?'

Do your reference points and measures need recalibration?

Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash

We set our goals and plans with verve and energy at the start of the year, but have you tested or explored the reference points and assumptions that frame your choices? Is your lens and perspective outdated? Perhaps you’ve experienced a big change or event, that’s impacted your outlook on life.

Have you ever thought about your Frame of Reference (Click here for definition and Methodology)? Stimulus prompts:

• Test the edges and boundaries of your assumptions. How far can you stretch from habitual anchors that bind, judge and tie your perspective? Where has that self-criteria come from? Why is your inner critic saying that?

• How do you triangulate your point of view? What events have shaped your perspective, is your lens biased?

• What criteria are you using to measure your success are they outdated now?

• Are you rigidly sticking to past opinions or curiously exploring, evolving and learning?

• Do you think you're closed or open to the ‘new’? A malleable evolving mindset or fragile, set mind?

• Are you being kind, compassionate and curious or doggedly judging yourself?

Using old criteria doesn’t serve your new purpose.

After leaving full-time work, in hindsight, it took me more than a year and a half to recognise I was still ‘automatically’ judging and measuring myself on an outdated frame of reference.

My priorities and what I was doing every day had shifted 180 degrees. I realised that my everyday behaviours and actions were now more aligned with my core values. However, these were ‘Values’ that I hadn't clearly articulated to myself until that point. Success was defined by work, yearly objectives, reviews by managers, bonuses, professional achievements, the successes of my team and the talents I supported. I realise now I had conformed and conditioned into a specific ‘corporate way of working.’

This mindset served me well at the time, but then it was hard to reprogram these well-entrenched references of success. How are you measuring and recognising your growth and milestone successes outside of work? Measurement and celebration can be tricky qualitatively. Making relative comparisons against past experiences helps.

Of course, learning new definitions of success for yourself also means you have to retrain your inner critic. So, it's an exercise in continuous improvement and self-compassion.

In Part 2 of this post, I'll share more about defining core values and identity. First, I wanted to offer a premise, food for thought.

Part 1 Testing and recalibrating my Frame of Reference

Have you considered re-calibrating your Frame of Reference? Are the goals and measures you're planning for 2024 in synch with your values? Are you measuring new goals using old criteria?

Here’s part of the self-inquiry, conversation that I had with myself in 2017 when I had handed in my resignation and was about to start helping my mother care for my Dad. [Summarised from journals I wrote to myself armed with Brené Brown’s books, ‘Braving the Wilderness’, 'Atlas of the Heart', and Susan David’s book ‘Emotional Agility’. Forgive the reflective repetition and some rambling!]

The conversation with myself:

When you have moved on, but your brain holds you to old anchoring values, it’s good to stand still and re-evaluate what’s important. Revise and review the timeline exercise. Has the scores for events changed, what’s important now?

If you are judging yourself on an old ‘system’ then you’re still being conditioned by things from your past. Perhaps it feels weird to be so liberated that you can explore new anchors and a new frame of reference. The uncertainty there can make you feel scared and untethered. 

BUT remind yourself that you are breaking your own, new ground, setting precedence, and changing what you do every day, but it’s aligned with what you already know feels right inside. This change is unlike any of the previous ones. Reclaim ownership of your most important, most expensive asset, Time.

By setting your own new frame of reference, you know that the resonance is yours; it’s true to your identity, your authenticity and values, so it must be right. You can define your ‘Right’ frame of reference. There was always some structure, formal and informal guidance, and rules which have helped you get here to be you, but untethered from the conditioning you can set your own rules. You’re free to define your ‘Right’ frame, for once!

You've always felt strongly independent, with a sense of agency. You've navigated 18 relocations, and 3 companies and led diverse global teams through uncertainty and organisational changes. Those are experiences demonstrating your agility and skills, not a program of action you need to keep repeating like the spin cycle program on a washing machine - essential, always done every time! Don’t go through the motions or tie yourself to repeating the same program. Grow, add value - just align yourself to doing it differently by leveraging your strengths!

With love, compassion, resilience and bravery you can resonate more authentically and feel the truth and ‘goodness’ in what you're doing. Empathy and inspiration were part of your mantra for leading your teams, lean into that and reimagine what that looks like now! In your first job as a market researcher, you analysed and developed actionable insights that could unlock new opportunities - so what does that look like now? You love discovering new references and resources, thinking spherically to solve problems so you’re going to need that now!

There are preconceptions you have of being a carer and perhaps you’re worried or pondering on what other people think. Don’t! The judgement of others hasn’t been top of your list before so why start now? Don’t forget that in every role you’ve had you had to carve out your way of doing it. It’s not the ‘what’ you do its the ‘how’ you do it that’s made the difference before. Lean on that.

You are going to have to rethink how you celebrate and define success. Dad’s in the palliative state now - what does that even really mean? How long is that? You’ve managed to get through the first bladder cancer operation …the next one’s scheduled. There is an inescapable inevitability….rheumatoid arthritis, congestive heart failure, mobility and disability with gnarled fingers and toes, topped off with Vascular dementia and now, bladder cancer….and all these symptoms…quality time, curating memories….at the same time as managing toileting and showering… Figuring out what matters, and celebrating small, meaningful everyday wins may be the relative equivalent to a high-priority global project being achieved but with huge emotional and physical strain added into the mix. Redefine goals and wins and recognition. You had people-management and leadership responsibilities before, now you have lives in your care.

This is why staying curious and open is going to be so important. Keep adjusting and adapting and questioning. Check the timeline again for strengths you can lean on or reframe…and you’re going to have to figure out how you can keep your superactive brain stretching. If you can sustain your curiosity and open-mindedness you can learn and evolve this frame of reference as a living standard, not be rigid. As Susan David would say, this provides you with a strength; being emotionally agile. Your new training on this has already been happening since 2015!

To paraphrase Brené Brown, understanding the anatomy of vulnerability and trusting yourSELF,  empowers you more and can drive your empathy and ability to connect further. Traits you treasure.

[You can see the recalibration here: A Recalibration I’ll share more of my self-mentoring, recalibration in Part 2 Articulating my Values and Identity and Aspirations.]

Here are 5 Insights that have reinforced my new frame, and my priorities.

These have kept me anchored with my guiding values since my resignation, May 2017.

1. The test - a new big role opportunity from another headhunter.

In 2017 a Headhunter called me. I was boarding a train to return home to my parents. I had already handed in my resignation to leave my present company and was committed to spending more time supporting my parents when I received the call. The role was for another Vice-Presidency, for Europe and it was 'just' an intro-exploratory call but the headhunter's interest and enthusiasm were infectious. When our phone call was cut due to poor reception, it was an appropriate sign.

For about 10-15 seconds I became excited thinking about the challenge, the opportunity and the potential new location. It was only, as I was redialling that I realised how out of sync even following up and continuing the discussions would be. I politely explained my priorities and agreed to keep in touch if anything changed. I had to consciously manoeuvre my mindset, Away from being excited & engaged, discussing the potential role with my usual ‘high-talent’ correctness towards being a newly-out-of-corporate, secondary caregiver. My mind was still career strategising, in fast-track performance and promotions, even though I'd confirmed my purpose and stated my choice to everyone.

My choice was to be with my parents, to help my mother care for my Dad with all his complex health issues, especially because Dad was about to have a second cancer operation. My automatic reflexes needed more time to adjust to this new situation and reality, but I’d at least passed my first personal test. I had managed to keep myself from pursuing a new work challenge and stay true to my choice.

2. The Ten Seconds of Envy pass.

Anytime one of my ex-colleagues, or my mentees, gets a promotion or prepares for an interview, I have twinges of envy. It lasts for about 10 seconds and then I remember how zen I am now, right where I should be. Head, heart and gut aligned (click to see the poem I wrote end of 2017). I would NOT trade places for anything. But I try to be self-compassionate with myself. I remind myself that for those 10 seconds, envy happens because I'm remembering old anchors, measures, an old lifestyle and the past frame of reference. Reflex reaction to how I was before not how I’ve decided I want to do things or be now. The old criteria and reference points served me well and brought me personal satisfaction and success before, but that was then and this is now.

3. My needs, values and choices are about caring and being here.

Any of the countless moments, Dad cried or shouted looking at me with a little confusion or fear in his eyes; when we could feel the effects of his vascular dementia. Or when Mum whimpered in pain a few days after the chemotherapy infusion and the pain 'in her bones' was kicking in. These tortuous, heart-wrenching moments have validated my physical presence, being here caring for my parents and resigning from my job. For me, it's not a duty or obligation. It's simply the right choice for me. Love in action. It's not a decision everyone I encounter understands. However, I don’t need everyone to understand it. I belong to my definitions and decisions; my sense of agency and independence is strong. At the same time, the tragedy for many carers is that they may NOT have a choice. Reconciling myself to the realities of my new situation, and seeing it within the context of other carer’s experience has been an education in itself. We are blessed.

4. Deep resonance as threads vibrate.

The most impactful testimony to this being the RIGHT FRAME for me now was the night my father passed away. I'll say this quickly because deep resonance comes with great pain. Resonance comes from the moments of holding my Dad as he took his last gasps of life, being able to apply all my communication, organisation and decision-making skills that night, and the 2 weeks afterwards, to organise the service, give the eulogy and activate probate before Mum was admitted for her first cancer surgery at the end of the same month.

I am exactly where I should be and vibrating at the most solid resonant frequency, being true to myself.

Please note: I AM NOT preaching or advising that people should be a carer or care for their parents in their home or even 'do the caring themselves'. I'm advocating for creating the space to make informed conscious decisions which align with your values.

5. Passion, purpose, activism and mission. A more robust integrated identity.

Talent development was an intrinsic part of what I enjoyed at work. Every call or interaction with my mentoring clients enables me to continue this passion for paying forward my experience and learnings; to help clients realise their potential and soundboard their career and life decisions. These talented executives, directors and business owners are fully cognoscente that my mentorship comes second to my current purpose and priority; caring for my mother.

Like many Carers I have become an advocate beyond the needs of our care situation, to support other Carers.

Whilst my username and website name is 'Carer Mentor' it is a simple title of two things I do, and brings together my first ‘life-integrated-with-income-generating-title'.

More recently the additional dimension of leveraging my mentoring skills for Carers has come to the fore. e.g. sound-boarding communications, navigating the gauntlet of hospital discharges, or reframing difficult situations with loved ones. It's an evolving journey, where each Carer has a unique rollercoaster, but at the same time, there is strong solidarity and support between Carers—mutual appreciation of the nightmare challenges and emotional strains, and therefore empathetic connecting.

Mentoring, connecting with- and supporting other Carers, engages the extrovert part of my character as well as keeping my little grey cells alight. A strong counterweight balance to all the project management, and multitude of tasks that a Carer has to do.

These personal insights offer some perspective on why I feel so blessed and zen despite the traumatic events we've been through. I’ve articulated my frame of reference and it makes sense and feels right. Head-Heart-Gut aligned

Checkpoint time for you

Before you start planning and goal-setting, check your frame of reference. You can use the Timeline Exercise. Create space for yourself and test your frame. Use these Annual Review Questions to review 2023. Where your body reacts, if you feel misaligned dig deeper.

What 5 moments or experiences can you identify that reinforce your frame of reference?

An important reminder:

This is not a once-a-year, annual exercise. Check in with yourself when changes happen or big events or circumstances out of your control occur. You can reground yourself or recalibrate your definitions, values, and frame of reference. This is the empowerment gift you can give yourself.

If the only constant in life is change, I'm glad I can map and orient myself through its journey via the timeline exercise and its recalibrations, to give myself stability. I hope you can too.

It's easier to fly untethered if you have the right points of reference. I hope these insights give you a fresh perspective to map your journey and fly forward with greater confidence.

In Part 2 I’ll share more about how I articulated my guiding values and reshaped my core identity.

(1st version published May 9th 2020. 2nd Version published May 2021. 3rd Version Published January 1st 2023)

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