I’m Victoria, and you can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

The Carer Mentor website is a hub of tools, resources & insights, as well as a community support network. A portal of hope ❤️ Start exploring here.

Dear Friends,

Last week, Monday to Friday, was an intense 5 days, but we avoided a crisis hospitalisation. So I’m feeling deep gratitude for our doctors, relief and very tired.

Know when to ask whether a D-Dimer test is appropriate for you and your loved one.

Background

I first discovered the D-Dimer test when my mother was hospitalised with COVID and pneumonia in 20242. There is evidence of a higher risk of blood clots and pulmonary embolism for immunocompromised patients with COVID.

I advocated for a D-Dimer test because there were no beds in the hospital respiratory ward, and there was a push to activate the ‘Virtual Ward’ system, aka I’d care for my mother at home, whilst providing the nurse team with observation readings of temperature, oxygen, BP and general health three times a day.

Virtual wards place the burden of observation and the responsibility of flagging issues on the carer’s shoulders. The time to medical intervention for an issue would be longer than in the hospital.

Imagine the emotional angst and stress on carers and mix in being informally recruited to meet the reporting needs of a nurse team, and their schedule.

So, at the time, (whilst suffering COVID and pneumonia myself camped out in the hospital), I insisted on the D-Dimer test to ensure my mother had no risk of DVTs or PEs at home.

A new equation I’ve learnt this week:

One very big swollen leg, that becomes worse over 2 days, requires urgent investigation and treatment for possible Deep vein thrombosis (DVT).

There are several high-risk factors when that leg belongs to an 80+year-old with less mobility, who’s receiving hormone drug therapy for one of her cancers and a drug treatment that affects epithelial cells for another cancer.

[Please consult your doctor if you have a swollen leg, suspect a DVT or dial emergency services if you also have chest pains or breathlessness. This article is for awareness purposes only. I’m not a doctor and cannot offer medical advice.]

I’m very grateful

• to our oncologist, who received my email with photos for our usual consultation and immediately elevated the urgency about a possible DVT. Either he could ask for an ultrasound-Doppler scan, or I could alert our GP. We decided on the latter.

• to our GP practice for their triage system, and rapid response that activated the blood test and ultrasound scan

• I’m glad I knew to ask if a D-Dimer test could be done, so the GP and I could agree on a plan of action together if it were positive.

Our plan of action and goals with the GP practice

• Get blood taken as soon as possible, for the test to be done, and if positive, the GP would make a prescription for an anticoagulant. The goal was to have the blood thinner prescription before the weekend, if required.

• An urgent request for an ultrasound Doppler scan was made at the same time, to confirm the diagnosis, but it could take 2-3 days. This is why the GP used the D-Dimer test as the trigger for the prescription, not the ultrasound diagnostic test.

Communication: I made sure to highlight the timeline of symptom worsening, current drug treatment, the cancer, the last consultation, and the oncologist’s recommendation for action.

This Carer’s accounting of actions (over 5 days). ‘Red flag’ actions on top of ‘usual’ medical appointments

I’ve counted all the actions, tests, appointments, and telephone calls over the last 5 days, in addition to the already scheduled medical appointments.

• 2 sets of blood were taken (Monday and Thursday morning), the second was for an urgent D-Dimer test.

• 3 hospital appointments: 2 pre-scheduled. We were called on Friday, late morning, for the ultrasound scan at 4.30 pm. We’re SO grateful to be squeezed in.

• 4 Dr telephone consultations: 1 scheduled. 3 responding to the issue: 1 to discuss and make an action plan, and 2 about test results and next steps.

• 2 updates to our 2 sets of oncologists

• 1 rapid prescription picked up.

• Confirmed the anticoagulant medication instructions for use and made sure my mother and I are clear about its administration.

• I re-primed us for an emergency: 1-pager Medical summary was updated with results, and Hospital GoBags double-checked.

I don’t usually do this kind of summary or dwell on these numbers, especially because they blur into what I consider my agility as a carer.

Rumination is not helpful, so I’m not laying out the detailed sequence of events. It also wouldn’t add any value to you, as these circumstances are unique to us.

I did this “accounting of actions’ on Friday as part of my journaling because I wondered why I was pushed to my absolute limit on Thursday. It felt uncharacteristically extra tough.

What pushed me wasn’t the caregiving events, but the additional ‘official’ meetings I’d scheduled for my business. Twice during the day, my flashlight of attention had to be shifted away from my caregiving priority. The constant switching of attention can easily amplify stress and strain.

Engaging in scheduled business meetings that required more administrative work and responses between medical actions was frustrating. But that’s what happens when things collide.

My adrenaline was higher than usual while monitoring for worsening symptoms and being primed for an emergency. You may know what happens if a blood clot travels to different parts of the body. My father had a couple of mini strokes/ transient ischaemic attacks (TIAs) because of blood clots. I was worried about a pulmonary embolism for my mother.

Bottom line, the blood thinner treatment has started, and I’m SO relieved we’re not in limbo over the weekend. We’re having a quiet weekend now.

Caregiving gears are ratcheting down. Completing the ‘stress cycle’ is important - so I journaled, texted friends, and walked 4km

This article is part of my re-centring because I need to know more people are aware of the D-Dimer test, especially as we’re approaching high-COVID season.

I hope this helps you.

Take care of yourself and each other. xo

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

‘Another Year? Not yet, thanks.’

December 30, 2025

I wanted to share this article with you because so much of it remains true. And yet, there are changes. I’m absolving myself from pushing for whole answers right now.

Big exhale. No toxic positivity or silver linings.

You see, after I hit publish on this original article in 2024, I received the message that our close family friend had died. The grief was intertwined with that of my father’s passing in early January 2020.

So, expanding my time for reflection is an act of loving kindness to myself and of respect for the grief I carry. It’s all about love persevering.

I hope this article resonates with anyone feeling out of synch with the calendar and end-of-year reviews.

Dear Friends, thinking of this time last year when you read this, and now, can you remember how you felt this time last year? What falls sharply into focus when you read this now? : , , , , , , , , ,

With love, Victoria.

December 31, 2024

Are you feeling some reluctance about the new year? BIG HUGS. You’re not alone.

We’re a day from 2025, and this Betwixt time has been discombobulating.1

May we be kind and compassionate and hold our thoughts and those of others with even more grace than usual. You don’t need to feel bad if you’re not feeling the ‘New Year’ vibe. You don’t need to start tomorrow with a big fanfare of changes or a list of intentions.

Everyone has a New Year’s process, traditions, and opinions. There is nothing right or wrong with how we choose to move from one year to the next. Some people are in learning mode, planning mode, or crystallising wonderful memories into meaningful moments to carry forward with them—core memories.

I remember what the ‘before caregiving’ me used to do—soak up books, ideas, and concepts, eager to improve myself, help my teams and kickstart a new year of …NEWness, excitement, magic, and possibilities.

There is still magic—I feel it. It’s just not in the NEWness; defining stretch goals or productivity targets. It’s more in the ‘human-messy-ness.’

Over the last couple of years, I’ve chosen to extend this ‘Between time’, this space of unknowing. I like to stand back, hold things lightly and make space for the inevitable uncertainty, sadness and sometimes fear.

As a caregiver, I’ve become accustomed to unpredictability. Susan David's Emotional Agility, thoughts, and concepts have been priceless. However, like many caregivers, I feel the continuous pressure to be primed and ready. After all, who else is there?

Everyone has the pressure and burden of responsibilities—no hierarchy of pain here. For caregivers, this unseen load2 can be extra heavy at this time of year.

Mixing those feelings with grief3 and discombobulation is an obvious recipe for an emotional spiral. Sometimes, it’s further stewed with wine or iced with Christmas cake guilt. There is no judgment or opinion here—it’s a lived experience.

Right now, you may feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t want to review 2024 or plan for 2025. Perhaps friends are very sick, or you’ve experienced a loss (my heartfelt condolences). Perhaps you’ve just been through so much in 2024 that you’d prefer to zone into the ‘right here and now.’

I see you. Skip the New Year's resolutions, Intentions, and the Word of the Year if they make you cringe or raid the kitchen for carbs.

Step back and pause. You may be hurting. Even after the chocolate is gone, the hurt is still there.

It’s okay to need more space and time.

I save all the book recommendations and articles or jot down random thoughts in my notebook—I’m not in complete stasis. Still, I absolve myself from hasty action, knowing there’s more beneath the motions of our everyday routine.

A date on the calendar does not control our feelings and emotional state—in fact, it can even exacerbate them for caregivers! The date may change, but we can’t conveniently reschedule uncertainty, discomfort, or fear for another time.

A new year also brings envy and grief about what we can’t do—the parties and holidays that good friends go on [Please don’t tell me how I could do ‘xyz’, or offer hero-ing advice, or what you’d do to ‘make it work,’ this equates to well-intentioned but unhelpful advice (thank you Megan Devine)]

For many of us, December and January hold the anniversaries of a loved one’s passing.

Compounding losses can be felt before the brain deciphers the cause. Granting ourselves more time and empathy could enable more serenity before planning 2025.

So, I wanted to say,

What’s the messy feeling you’re feeling right now?

What kindness, self-compassionate thing can you do for yourself?

An extra cup of coffee, reaching out to that empathetic friend, or buying yourself some flowers? Share your thoughts if you feel you can.

Remember, we’re not trying to solve or resolve things for each other, but bear witness, empathise and stand alongside our Human-Messy-ness!

Journaling helps me reveal, realise and ponder. Music bypasses words and relieves my heart.

It’s good to know I have my notes from 2023, new prompts and tools, and I love Suleika Jaouad’s article and five lists, to dig into…just not quite yet.

My heart needs to be heard first.

I’ll share more over the following weeks: the books, videos, other resources and thoughts. These are things for any time, not just the New Year!

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I’m thankful for Brené Brown’s work, which has helped me navigate my feelings and vulnerabilities. I highly recommend reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection.’

If I could. A Poem by Victoria

Today’s caregiving, my context today, is VERY different from that of 2019.

From this vantage point of knowing what can be, what IS for others today, there is a mix of impotence, fear, worry and anxiety. Can we pause, be aware and listen to help each other?

If I could 
I'd translate the language of Carers,
take their pain and fear, the needs of their loved ones 
and like a stenographer translating with a machine
metabolise what I hear 
to meaningful support and actions 
Tailored to perfection, like a bespoke Savile Row suit,
chalked to fit, smoothed into the lines of THEIR existing well-worn routine.

If I could,
I'd point and draw a line on the ground 
to create boundaries
to exclude the stresses or strains of people and issues 
that try to punctuate the veil and disrupt the calm. Shield. 
And in this frail cocoon of hope, 
We'd grow our light, warm in empathy despite the surrounding pain
if I could

If I could, there would be no 'shoulds', 
'No!' to never-ending hats to wear or roles to perform
For everyone except ourselves.
No forms to fill out or societal norms to counter or explain
We'd be the glue for love, not to fill the gaps in productivity systems
Or be the constant communication stream which feeds the health machine

If I could, there'd be a village of raised hands to support 
the needs of the many in mutual appreciation and care, 
Instead of loneliness, isolation, and insomniac non-restorative sleep, 
we'd celebrate the tiny joys and relief

If I could, I'd share a deep sound, a musical resonance of trust and comfort
One chorus to instil confidence, 
Hands to connect and offer home-comfort care  
to reassure or embrace those in pain and need.
Then, listen with open-hearted willingness and time, 
for the support that THEY said they need
To feel wanted and believed, 
An individual unto themselves and seen
not a caregiving go-between-machine.
If I could

Could we?

What’s the messy feeling you’re feeling right now?

What kindness, self-compassionate thing are you doing for yourself?

Can you reach out to others you trust for support?

Or, how can you offer comfort, empathy and support to someone else?

We’re all human messes, perfectly imperfect, needing connection.

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When you have a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that something isn’t right, how long do you wait before consulting a doctor? What do you say to the doctor? What will you do when that nagging feeling doesn’t go away?

Dear Readers, I’ve taken a little writer-rest-space over the last month because I wasn’t sure what I’d be writing about today. You see, I was waiting for a colonoscopy investigation on July 7th, and I was reasonably sure I’d be telling you that they’d found something.

I’m very relieved, and honestly, a little surprised to share that everything is clear; there was no inflammation, no polyps, and no biopsies were taken.

The investigation was a month after the private 2-hour health check I had during a respite break on June 6. I underwent blood tests, a physiologist review, and spent over an hour with a GP. (I highlighted it here This Caregiver's Respite and Review.)

As part of that review, they did a CA125 test for ovarian cancer1 (there are several cases of ovarian, bladder and colon cancer in my family) and a FIT (Faecal Immunochemical Test) test that looks for tiny traces of blood that you might not be able to see, and which could be a sign of cancer.2

On June 10, the private GP called me in the morning to report that the CA125 test was negative, but the FIT test was highly positive. Stomach acid churned. I went straight into action, informing my NHS GP and reconnecting with our usual healthcare system to update information and request a colonoscopy.

My blood results were already reported to me during the June 6 consultation. On June 10, I took comfort in knowing my blood work was all within normal ranges. Still, I wasn’t surprised by the high positive FIT result, because something hadn’t been feeling right for quite a while, which is why I had pushed for tests.

Of course, the news was chilling, and my caregiver brain was sorting through scenarios and potential implications of what would or could happen next.

Agility and pragmatism, I just wanted to get a clear view - literally, via the colonoscopy of what was going on, and then start planning whatever’s needed.

For someone who is very independent and takes on any challenge head-on, navigating both myself and my mother through our respective reflections, while caregiving, was making me feel nervous and agitated, and this was only over one month.

We’re blessed to be in calmer waters compared to when we were caring for Dad, but still…

June was spent clearing and sorting, and doing what I could to distract my brain, while also clearing our everyday areas to be ready for whatever I’d/we’d need.

I also updated the hospital go-bag checklists to prepare myself for what I might need as a patient. (Checklists for Go-Bags)

I shared the FIT test result with close friends, and the day before the colonoscopy, I informed my friends on the Carers online forum. I believe in prayers, vibes, and good karma, and I asked everyone to hold me in their thoughts, for a ‘clear’ result.

24 hours later, OH MY GOSH, ‘All Clear!’

I don’t want to share all my medical details, but it’s clear why there was a false positive, and it’s clear I have intense gut muscle spasms similar to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

Restarting my stomach and gut was a huge pain, literally for 24-48 hours. Thankfully, over-the-counter Buscopan, paracetamol and sleeping through it helped. I’ve already started experimenting with peppermint tea, adjusting my diet, and increasing my movement. (I’m not looking for additional medical advice, diet or strategies. I’ve already received a lot, plus additional medical advice, which I’m very grateful for.)

The evidence and tests are clear, but I need to keep tracking my symptoms in case I need more help.

That’s the summary of the last month, but it’s been eight months of flip-flopping thoughts, nagging fears and trying to get answers to why I’ve had these symptoms.

Something didn’t feel right. Is this perimenopause or something else? We can read books about perimenopause, talk to friends, seek out reassurance, but until we’ve medically addressed the issues, it could be anything. We don’t know what we don’t know.

Here in the UK, our NHS system means you’ll need to get an appointment with a General Practitioner (GP) before you can be referred to a specialist. Depending on your symptoms, you may see a nurse practitioner or a GP. GPs are the primary gateway to secondary, specialist investigations and care in hospitals. Depending on your symptoms, your doctor may fast-track the investigations and results.

It’s one thing to be assertive for the sake of the loved ones we care for, but like anything, it’s easy to dismiss our own needs as an inconvenience, instead of taking action. We can easily end up gaslighting ourselves if we don’t deem our symptoms ‘alarming’ or ‘acute enough’ to tip us into immediate action.

Symptoms can be intermittent, episodic, unpredictable and no longer tied to any menstrual pattern. I’m very aware of the numerous cancer cases in my family. Hence, my raised vigilance and nagging worries.

Check this list of possible symptoms of cancer if you’re worried.

It wasn’t until our close friend passed away from Bowel Cancer on New Year’s Eve that I pushed myself to contact the GP practice.3

This may offer more insight into why I’ve been so focused on raising awareness about Cancer this year!

If we were having a long, cosy chat together over tea, I’d share more about my emotions, worries, ups and downs, and the ins and outs of each medical interaction, as well as the time between each of them. I was given reassurance and support. However, I knew I needed more answers and evidence, not just reassurance.

This is not a question of trust or issues with the GP practice I’m registered with. They are responsive and act on what I flag up. However, the private 2-hour 360 health assessment provided a definitive, comprehensive, and in-depth full-body investigation, along with walk-through explanations and evidence, at a time that worked for me.

Unlike the NHS, I could discuss everything with one person, using the results of blood and other tests done in the previous hour with the physiologist. We also laid out scenarios for the outstanding test results.

From picking up the phone to schedule the private appointment, to the time of the NHS colonoscopy, it’s been two months. Now, I have greater peace of mind. Even if the symptoms haven’t completely gone, the causes and correlations of why are now clear.

Importantly, I also know that it’ll be much easier for my GP practice to do any follow-up investigations with this new baseline of information in my record.

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April was Bowel Cancer Awareness Month. A special thank you to these writers for sharing their experiences and helping me to learn more about it. ’s articles highlighted young cases of bowel cancer. emphasised the importance and ease of a colonoscopy. I learnt more about colon cancer from , and and how we can move on from it through ’s experience. All of you helped turn my fear into action.

I recommend reading Mikel’s book ‘Surviving Colorectal Cancer: A Memoir of Family, Friends, and Faith.’ As a curious learner and pragmatist, this cleared up several questions.

The stark reality of health issues for caregivers was brought into sharp focus by the Carers UK report for Carers week.

June 9, 2025, Carers UK Caring About Equality Report

• 43% of current or former carers – an estimated 10.7 million people – have seen a mental or physical health condition develop or become worse since taking on a caring responsibility for someone. This figure is higher again for current carers at 48%.

• Over half (58%) of current and former carers feel they are at a disadvantage as they are not able to look after their own physical or mental health in the same way as those without caring responsibilities.

• 39% of current and former carers who had a health condition develop or become worse said that being able to take regular breaks from caring would have helped prevent this.

• 40% of current carers said they had postponed or cancelled a medical appointment, test, scan, treatment, or therapy because of caring, with 44% of those cancelling appointments saying they couldn’t find appointments at a time they could attend.

• A higher proportion of female (both current and former) carers said they face disadvantages with their health compared with males (64% compared with 52%).

Taking on caregiving and being perimenopausal can make advocating for your health complicated. So, while I know that not everyone can invest in a private healthcare assessment, I urge anyone who is having unexplained symptoms, and especially if they are any of the possible cancer symptoms, to turn their fear and worry into action!

Emerging from these worries, I’m taking things a little easy right now. If, like me, you’re looking for a bit of comfort, try this or go to the ComfortZone section of Carer Mentor:

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Confession: I’ve not been in an uplifting mood moving into this new year, 2025. December was a cauldron of anticipatory grief, chunky fear and some stress. For many reasons, I feel more over these months than at any other time of year.

A recap of December: The articles moved through recalibrating hope to try and get comfortable in the human-messy-ness days:

• December 04, 2024 Creating a 'ComfortZone' and rekindling inspiration and hope. December: curiosity, connection and compassion.

• The ComfortZone

  “In December, I want to try to focus on hope rather than sadness—no toxic positivity, no silver linings, no denial of the yuck. podcasts, music and other well-chosen stimuli. Acknowledging the needling angst and uncertainty, I choose to rekindle inspiration and connect with compassion curiously.”

• The practical prompts: Inspiration 'Ten Annual Review Questions.' to give you pause.

• December 13, 2024: This Caregiver's 'Lens of Hope' No toxic positivity. It's a hope built on real life, not wishful thinking.

• December 31, 2024: 'Another Year? Not yet, thanks.' Caregivers, those grieving or anyone not quite 'there yet'. I see you.

This was at the heart of the New Year’s Eve article:

I remember what the ‘before caregiving’ me used to do—soak up books, ideas, and concepts, eager to improve myself, help my teams and kickstart a new year of …NEWness, excitement, magic, and possibilities.

There is still magic—I feel it. It’s just not in the NEWness; defining stretch goals or productivity targets. It’s more in the ‘human-messy-ness.’

A few minutes after publishing this article,

I had the call we were expecting from our close friend’s family to say our friend had just died.

A beautiful soul who’d been integral to my life for decades.

A few days away from the anniversary of my father’s death.

💔

I’d just said I could be okay with staying in a mess. Now, with this grief, could I walk my talk?

…and then the next day, New Year’s Day, The Isolation Journal’s seven-day journal challenge started: A New Year's Journaling Challenge Day One: Belief in Magic at The Isolation Journals (TIJ) by Suleika Jaouad. Thanks to and

Sometimes, it’s best not to question but to openly embrace and be thankful for the opportunities as they gracefully appear. 1

My January 7th (TIJ) Journal notes:

At the start [of the challenge], I'd wanted to find ways to recognise and see more magic and light whilst carrying fear and recent grief. As if there was a technique or way to lift a veil or reclaim childlike wonder to see more magic outside of myself.

The shift came from the inner sanctuary exercise. Not how to find magic outside but the alchemy of what I already have INSIDE - cultivating my indigo mysterious sanctuary to cradle the fear, with grace, outside of time and space (thanks Cherie)

Because this, in turn, helps me be more OPEN to the potential of magic OUTSIDE...even if there's more fear, grief and sadness to come.

I could just say, 'I need to journal more', but I can over-intellectualise things..so bypassing words with more sketches/music/colour...nesting in my sanctuary is perhaps the most fitting next step, magic now.

Navigating Forward With Fear

It’s not only The Isolation Journal’s Challenge that encourages2 my path forward.

Since I started writing the New Year’s Eve article in December, there have been sparks of inspiration, some from personal practices I’ve built over the years, others from new connections and discoveries.

I’ll share these over the following weeks in this series: Navigating Forward with Fear and Grief. Annual/Indigo Sparks of Inspiration3

For example, I first listened to this podcast in 2020 after my Dad passed: OnBeing with Krista Tippett Dr Brené Brown: Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart4 (2 January 2020) (52 minutes).

I’m glad I saved it to listen to it again before the New Year.

Two quotes from Brené, in this podcast:

(Timestamp 22.07) If you hold fear in front of you, it doesn't dictate your behaviour. But I think because we've lost our capacity for pain and discomfort, we have transformed that pain into hatred and blame. It's like it's so much easier for people to cause pain than it is for them to feel their own pain, right?

(TimeStamp 27.02) I first heard that the saying strong backs soft front from Joan Halifax, who's a Buddhist teacher, and it spoke to me at the time, and I thought, I don't know what that is, but it sounds, of course, paradoxical, and I don't like it because it sounds hard. I'd rather have a strong front and a strong back and a strong everything. Our deepest human need is to be seen by other people, to really be seen and known by someone else. And if we're so armoured up, and we walk through the world with an armoured front, we can't be seen.

In this awkward space, I choose not to cliché my way out, use toxic positivity or offer smooth plans and ideas.

Music, art and meditation help my heart. Cultivating that inner creative sanctuary gives me my own soft place to land, and helps me Brave the Wilderness.

The nerdy researcher in me is eager to continue exploring recent sparks of inspiration.

Walking alongside each other in Grief

For anyone who is suffering a recent loss. My heartfelt condolences. I’m walking alongside you. You’re not alone.

As my friend says:

This is why I curated this Bereavement/Grief Anthology.

A Last Word. What’s Your Source of Encouragement?

In the unpredictable world of caregiving or for anyone receiving care, we all know there are limitations to our energy, and high demands on our time. I see you

Have you found an article, podcast or song / piece of music that’s offering comfort, encouraging you forward?

Warm wishes to you.

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

In short, after a career climbing the corporate ladder and 18 relocations across 10 countries, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015: congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were compounded with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and then bladder cancer.

I stepped away from work for a year, returned for six months, and then resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017 (Belgium has medical leave as part of their employment law¹). Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment of two separate primary cancers for Mum.

Today, we count our blessings and greatly appreciate monotony, small moments, and SLEEP. As every cancer patient and caregiver knows, you never really leave or get out of the ‘cancer’ rollercoaster, especially on targeted therapy.

Dear Friends,

To close out the August series ‘Walking your Why’, I’m sharing the first article I published in October 2023.

It still holds today and speaks to the mission — why I do what I do.

It’s also the 150th Carer Mentor article.

A Poem of Intent

By Victoria

Whole, feeling right, I think I've found the way to be me.
A purpose with a medium that could fit like a lock and key.
Opening new possibilities for the mission I've made my own
To offer other carers a place and space that could be their tribal home.


A hope, a prayer that it turns out to be
True to its potential, an empathetic community.
Of course, it depends on the people & carers it attracts
I just hope, in my heart that the mission can remain intact.

To be a beacon, a lighthouse  for others to truly see
The whole truth and storm that carers face at sea
The burden, tsunami events and emotional strife
That make me feel the full amplitude of human life.


Every story has its own dynamic & unique thread
A rollercoaster of crises and conflict and dread
So no one can judge, critique or claim it's like their own
No one has the right to cast a single stone.


Adrift until more people see, the truth, the love and simplicity
of valuing each other, each carer, and leveraging their strengths
Because Caring Is an essential foundation, of any community health.


The wealth that's so undervalued,  & that no one's able to see
The bountiful mine of skills, experience, & knowledge 
that could feed a NEW type of care-centred community. 


A hidden topic AND untapped source society cannot discuss
Because it's not cool to acknowledge or make a fuss, 
that life's not only about being fit, happy, healthy and well
but also about how to navigate the strife and living hell.


So here I am, my path is now set,
On a mission to change the way Carers are perceived, valued, respected & met
Opening new possibilities for the purpose I've made my own
To offer other carers a place and space to call their tribal home.

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The image above is my Frame of Reference (August 1988 to August 2023). Each point is a milestone event that impacted me in some way—a significant dip before University, a challenging career climb before seismic caregiving activity.

I realised the seismic acute activity after 2015, was me living life to the fullest, largest capacity I could.

As Russ Harris author of ‘The Happiness Trap’, says:

If I were to define the word happiness I would describe it as living a rich full and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions. The things that make life rich full and meaningful don't just give us pleasant feelings.

This index of articles offers a suggested sequence for readers.

A Memoir of My Carer Mentor Journey

To date, I’ve been through 37 Transitions. ‘9 were lifequakes. ’ (Aligned to the definitions by Bruce Feiler’s US Research for ‘Life is in the Transitions’)

To name a few: Corporate to Carer, 18 Relocations, Living and working in 10 countries (including Asia, Russia, Canada and the USA), evolutions of my chosen friends-family, Vice President Commercial Leader to Business Owner.

I’ll share my journey about how my mother and I fulfilled my father’s wish to die at home, how we pivoted from Dad’s funeral straight into Mum’s surgeries, chemo and radiotherapy and how I continue to care for Mum now.

There are facts and a whole swamp full of emotions, struggles, hellish no-sleep nights, and so much more. And yet, we found our joy, and I found my way to thrive.

I want to share the broader areas of my experience and life. Being a carer is my #1 priority, but it’s not all I am and it’s not all I do.

My personal experience can offer you and others a window into caregiving. There is no ‘standard’ path because we and the relationship dynamics we have with others are unique. My story is only one of the many millions. What’s yours?

A Table of Contents and suggested reading order.

1. 'Walking the Talk' Poem: One Carer's Purpose. A space to connect and to feel at home.

2. 'Who started Carer Mentor and Why?'

3. Personal Reflection: ‘A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture’ A 2015 hospitalisation was only the beginning.

4. Poem: 'Head-Heart-Gut Aligned'  

5. Brussels: 'The Sixth and Sixteenth Relocation' The first of several articles sharing my experience of living through 18 relocations across 10 Countries.

6. Personal Reflection: 'A Recalibrated Frame of Reference'. A reframing of life events

7. Personal Opinion: 'Working within an outdated Frame of Reference?' Do your reference points and measures need recalibration?

8. Personal Reflection: 'In the space of 'Not Knowing' are sparks of 'Be-ing'

9. Personal Reflection: 'A New Year...with an Outdated Frame of Reference?' Do your reference points and measures need recalibration?

10. April 2024 'A little respite: reminders, revelry and love?' A short post of a little paradox

11. June 2024 'How's our Community Network going?' Defining success, the Carer Mentor way. A mid-year review

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Why did I choose to build something for Caregivers?

A reminder: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Statements of intent, with links to articles.

To appreciate the diversity and unique nature of every caregiving experience. No single ‘standard’ caregiving experience exists because every human is different. The dynamics of caring are specific to that person's needs and are affected by the relationship dynamics, which are unique to that context.

To highlight that there is more to caregiving than acts of caring. For example, there is a Caregiver’s Telepathy and Burden.

To recognise the needs of caregivers—their safety, health, and well-being—when the needs of our loved one(s) take centre stage. In particular, how to navigate our emotional well-being and sustaining ourselves.

• the natural struggle and conflicts we have with our emotions. Societal myths and beliefs about emotions don’t help.

• the need to better understand emotions and reclaim some agency from feeling discombobulated or out of control.

• the spin-cycle of emotions, being torn and the need for self-compassion to manage the mental load.

To appreciate every caregiver beyond the single facet of caring for someone. While a caregiver’s time and energy can be consumed almost entirely by caring, it doesn’t equate to, nor express, their identity or full potential.

To be a portal to the work of other writers, experts and organisations who can offer support on specific topics like Dementia, Bereavement and Grief while sharing my reflections and insights, e.g. The WandaVision of Grief

To raise awareness and curiosity about caregiving, to dispel the myth that caregivers are superhuman and underscore the caregiving crisis, especially in this election year.

Why a website, not a book, YouTube channel, podcast, or video blog?

I wanted to create a dynamic caregiver hub where people can share experiences and resources and cross-pollinate ideas—not just me but us—a network and community.

A Nexus point is a portal and hub, not a central point that could bottle-neck answers. It can’t be a single destination or one-stop reference—it’s impossible to house everything a caregiver needs in one place.

Carer Mentor could be a connector, part of a circuit in a broader network of nexus points. Caregiving is a species activity that touches everyone— one facet of everyone’s life story. So, every writer’s publication could be a potential connection.

Readdressing the value of care as a dynamic community can shift the narrative of this hidden care crisis from an individual burden behind closed doors to an open collective social issue.

Why do caregivers need something ‘dynamic’?

Because the unpredictable nature of caregiving demands agility daily.

In calm, we have our bearings and can be the compass for our loved ones. However, caregivers frequently pivot hard when symptoms, circumstances and crises happen.

Because family members and informal caregivers are not formally trained as caregivers. We may be experiencing caring for a loved one for the first time and lack the context of previous experiences to orient ourselves.

• Caregivers need accessible references, resources and tools to solve immediate issues or prime themselves for future/potential scenarios.

• We may seek ‘self-help’ resources to navigate the emotional burdens of caregiving and other transitions/changes.

Because there is a tsunami of information, we must teach ourselves about systems and how to navigate the maze to find the odd breadcrumb that fits our situation and helps us move forward.

Caregivers can support each other in navigating the maze of different systems - not trying to explain or decipher these systems but cross-pollinating examples and information to support each other’s journey.

We need something to foster connection when unpredictability and discombobulation in 24/7 care routines often isolate and disconnect us.

We need something that fits our schedule, e.g., in ‘me-time’ windows at 2 a.m.!

A living nexus of information also makes it easier to revise published data or contact details of organisations and raise awareness of active campaigns.

Curating a ‘living nexus’ is about connecting and collaborating, about creating a network of diverse voices that excludes no one.

It’s also an opportunity to recognise and celebrate each other when we can’t/don’t feel accomplished or appreciated—when we feel more guilty than valued, when we feel devalued by society and ‘caresplained-to’ by everyone.

As a nexus point in a community network, a website can meet caregivers where they are, not preach or tell, not push or lecture. It can be exhausting trying to explain our choices and decisions on top of doing the actual caregiving.

A caregiver’s needs are overshadowed by those of their loved ones. We are the ‘champion-speaker-defender-interface’ and buffer of emotions. We may be indispensable, but we also need respite—a virtual respite point where we can relate to others.

These are just some of the key reasons behind choosing a website for Carer Mentor.

I wasn’t sure the dynamics and network would work, and then the wonders of the Substack Platform and Community took off.

Three key measures of success: The highest priority is ‘likes’ and comment feedback per article—the resonance of the empathy expressed.

The next would be discussions between readers in comments and meaningful exchanges in other publications.

The third is that others are inspired by the content and comment/write about it.

The Results so far

and I connected in 2023 and we often have great comment exchanges. Louisa generously shared my article and her comments on this article. (March 27, 2024) Diverse Voices around Substack and My Comments Roundup #4. Essays on connecting with parents through dance, music and language — a selection of highly evocative newsletters worthy of your attention

Sharing empathy and support with other caregivers is heart-core. A few examples of mutual support and appreciation. ❤️

, thank you for your shoutout, recognising the caregiving advice I offer everyone. (May 31, 2024) I Came Here To Leave You. When you can't recognize the things you owned, what's left?

thanks for your appreciation of the term I made-up ‘Caresplaining’ that you referenced in this article. (May 9, 2024) Growing Present 🌱 Week 2 - Pressing Pause.

thanks for tagging me in this note. “Who else has had the painful experience of explaining death to children, in the midst of your own grief? (May 1, 2024). You inspired me to incorporate this into an article ‘Are you fluent in caregiver’.

Sharing sources, ideas, comments and collaborating

- was inspired to undertake the 365grateful.com project after I directly messaged her with the link. I love sharing potential ideas and suggestions and seeing if they resonate. Her article (April 7, 2024) ‘Joy and Delight. Refocusing intention.‘

This is the Carer Mentor article collaboration with Susan: 'How can I feel happier or more grateful?’ Enemies of gratitude and how to cultivate a habit to feel happier and more grateful. (May 8 2024)

Of course, one of my favourite articles has been the collaboration with ten other writers for the article ‘Music memory is more powerful than words’ (February 28, 2024)

…And then there have been those comments that have blown me away. This is the measure of success— heartfelt impact and feedback, not numbers. Comment on ‘Architect of my emotions?’ (June 2, 2024)

The comments of ‘Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy 5-stage path’ (March 13 2024), especially by , , and

To all my psychologist, therapist friends thanks for your support: , , ,

And…the mutual appreciation society! , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

And then these …..

I’m humbled when other writers spontaneously leverage Carer Mentor articles.

. Thanks for highlighting my work in your article, I’m inspired that you’re inspired! (May 24, 2024) How I Could Have Avoided Being Miserable at Work. Emotional Agility and how I could have cultivated it

Thanks for highlighting my article. I appreciate you. I appreciate feeling supported and connected. (May 21, 2024) How to Pick Your Thoughts to Pick Your Feelings. #Science

Please feel free to use any of the Carer Mentor content in your writing, with a small attribution to the website, its mission and support of caregivers. Sharing is caring ;-)

Connecting with other communities, potential new nexus points?

1. thanks for the shout-out highlighting our notes exchanges (May 31, 2024) Elevating AAPI voices. This is a compilation of essays & a directory of writers.

2. and I had several note exchanges here “Dear FICTION READERS & WRITERS, is there a library of Asian Substack authors? (May 12, 2024). I’m looking forward to learning more about her idea

3. Qstack | The LGBTQ+ Directory of Substacks Bravo on the launch and fab site and team!

   1. June 4-5th Open Call collaboration is up and running: LGBTQ+ Caregiving

4. I’m looking forward to the launch of SmallStack —cheering on the Team of Robins and

So, the mid-year verdict… Thank you! You are making Carer Mentor a dynamic community and a nexus point for others.

I have an overflowing Notion database of resources and topics, and BIG topics are coming. So you know where to come if you’re looking for inspiration! Free subscribers can Direct Message (DM) me.

If you are a writer with a publication on Substack and have a caregiving story or article, please share the URL and brief description.

I always reply to comments and messages—it may not be instantly, though!

My only caveat is that please don’t forget I’m a caregiver, too. [I’m writing this while watching over Mum sleeping.] I can’t do podcasts, audio, or video, but I can respond in writing. Time is my most precious asset and expense I chose my purpose and mission.

Carer Mentor will remain free to read. So I must say a BIG BIG THANK YOU to my paid subscribers: Louise, Danielle, Mervyn, , , , , .

There is a monthly subscription option of £6/month and an annual subscription of £50.

If you can help my brain cells dance, I’d appreciate a little coffee ;-) ‘buy me a coffee’?

❤️ Thank you. ❤️

P.S. The last article I’m writing in the series about Prof Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work will arrive in your inboxes on Sunday, 9th June.

Question:

Have you discovered new insights or ideas from the Carer Mentor Articles or via Notes? Can you Tag someone I introduced you to?

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Hello Friends,

Unlike my usual posts, this is a little letter because..wait for it…I’m on a little caregiving break, so here’s me sharing a little before I go out to walk in the sunshine Yes, OMG, there is sunshine here in the UK, and it’s 15+' C!

I have a few days to myself, and while my conditioned body clock prohibits a lie-in, I’m already revelling in not having a routine.

When I thought of writing a short message to you, I knew I wanted to reframe ‘respite’ and ‘Freedom’ within the context of caregiving - Victoria, Carer-Mentor style ;-)

In short, take the antonyms and near antonyms below as my synonyms for ‘Respite-Victoria Style’.

When I’m in caregiving mode, we try to sustain calm, tranquility, and peace so my mother can repose and relax. For us, we’ve found our harmony. We are SO blessed. I know this is founded on all the precarious, uncertain pain we went through looking after Dad. We forged our love more deeply through those never-ending fires—rollercoaster hell.

So, right now I have music blaring, and this morning I had an hour-long chat with a good friend: new R&B music découvertes and a soulful reconnection. BIG YAY!

Respite is moving, ‘unrest’, bustle. It is a re-alignment of my mind-body-spirit.

The Reframe: Some nameless people have said to me, ‘I couldn’t put my life on hold like you have.’ Many people don’t understand that caregiving is one aspect of my life—it’s not all of it, and it’s NOT putting my life on hold. Caring is part of my life journey right now, and I’m blessed by it. I belong to my own path, and I’m walking it, eyes wide open, in all its mess and bittersweet moments.

The Reminder going into Respite time: Yesterday’s cross-post collaboration between Jane and Evelyn brought this home to me. ‘Evelyn Skye on How to Find Joy in Writing through Hard Times’

My comment to and Evelyn:

Caveat: Many caregivers sleepwalk into caring for a loved one. Some feel trapped and obliged to continue. Each person has a unique situation and context. I can only speak to my life and no one else’s.

Revelry and Freedom - soulful style: I repeatedly emphasised to my Dad that through a twisted, horrible circumstance, his horrific hospitalisation in 2015 put me on a path to freedom. Unshackled from expectations, ‘should do’s’, and the corporate ladder, I found myself again.

Caregiving is an essential piece, but only one piece of my value system. As a curious researcher and explorer (knowledge, music, people, places…the list goes on) I look for connections and new ideas. Hence the Carer Mentor website to Network Empathy and Inspiration!

This morning I had another reminder - did a post that took me back to those ‘unplugged’ music days. LOVE that one!

I was reminded of this unplugged session with George Michael (March 29, 2011).

It is a perfect segue to celebrate and revel in me-time. Not ‘freedom from caregiving’, but a celebration of life opportunities, to BE whatever feels right.

Keep walking your why, and you’ll find YOUR path. What does that mean? My advice would be to try to be ‘eyes wide open’ and choose the actions and steps that feel ‘right’.

These kinds of choices move you towards what you feel is right because they are aligned with your values. This is what gives me the feeling of being free. This is a somewhat stretched paraphrase of Dr. Susan David and Viktor Frankl’s work—a teaser for the new articles coming soon.

The wise words of Maya Angelou remind us that while we love connecting with others, belonging to ourselves means we may stand alone in the crowd. We are, after all, each a unique beautiful human!

The underlying red thread that runs through my caregiving is love. It may sound cliché, but as I said to my friend this morning, in the worst hellish times of 2019/20 when I didn’t think I could do more, it’s not grit, resilience, or (physical and mental) strength that got me through it all—(although they are supremely important)—it was and is love. L-O-V-E for them AND myself.

I now realise and understand why I have such a hard time grieving, too. The love is so strong that it perseveres in the form of waves of grief.

So, here’s a little more George and Mary J Blige, Loving you guys, always!

Off to have some fun in the sun!

xoxo

Victoria

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I’m sharing some travel insights and reflections from my journals. It’s based on my experiences studying, living and working through eighteen relocations across ten countries.

I've lived in Brussels twice, once in 1999 at the start of my career and I moved there again in 2015 for my last corporate position. I only recently realised the beautiful symmetry in that.

I have many nostalgic memories from both periods.

In 1999, I had a studio apartment in Ixelles. It was in a perfect location for the bars and stepping out. There were small restaurants with homemade food, music lounge bars with cocktails, and hidden clubs that only the locals told you about.

Back then, I heard about an expat club called 'Internations'. Locals and expats (of which there are a lot thanks to the European Parliament) organised drinks or weekend events. It was a great way to make friends, socialise and get the lowdown on the best places to go.

Since 1999, thanks to Internations I’ve connected with people in many of the cities I relocated to. You can join any event in any city. HINT: It’s useful for work-networking! It's changed a lot since those early days. Now, there are several organisations with similar concepts. It's worth googling expat and international groups!

In the Brussels summer of 1999, I'd have a 'Blanche' in a nearby café-bar, like La Banque on rue Bailli. (I can't quite believe it's still there - but it is!). I'd while away a few hours, reading, socialising, aka deciding if I wanted to date the guy in front of me or not😉 Ahhh, those young days.

When you first see the city, you see cement blocks and a snaking circular road system that dips underground and out. Driving is a sport there, with many side-door dents to prove it. Beyond the obvious, you'll discover so much more if you have good shoes and contactless for the trams.

In 2015, despite the frantic, painful whirlwind around Dad's health, I established a home for myself in Ixelles again. This time, it was more of a princess pad in a fantastic location.

The hidden secret of my building was that our whole street constituted one side of a large garden. The garden was encased by 5 or 6 apartment buildings on each side. The building opposite mine was far enough away not to be intrusive, but you could see families eating dinner on balconies or tending to their plants. Beyond the facade of each block was a whole inner family sanctum. Protected and nurtured.

I will never regret choosing to take the job in Brussels despite the absolute torture that it brought me (see the article Prelude to Caregiving). I was able to spend time with my closest friends-family who mean the world to me. They'd arrive for the weekend, and we'd cook or go out for dinner. They brought their two gorgeous little pug dogs, ‘the babies’ I could play with and dote on. I’d buy fresh croissants, and we’d have a lazy breakfast. Other members of their family, my chosen family, sometimes joined. We'd walk about and talk or say nothing, comfortable just to be together. Those weekends were full of fun, love, happiness and sustained me until the next time we met.

I can't regret moving to Brussels when I made new soulful friends, too.

Above all, I lived in one of my favourite places with all things French around me through some of the worst and best moments. The amplitude of those moments made me feel acutely alive.

It was a paradox, but I think that’s the point of life - living the highs and lows, experiencing everything in between, and learning to appreciate it even more.

Today, those Brussels memories give me warmth and an antidote to the Prelude to Caregiving because they were the missing threads that were interwoven in the same experience. Without them, I could only feel the tortured pain. Now, the memories and feelings are whole again, and the lived experience is fully restored and published.

There lies the reason for The 18/10 Journal.

Here are some of my favourite places and things to do when I lived in Brussels from 2015 to 2018.

Bois de la Cambre is great for a long walk or run. There's a restaurant - café in the middle of the lake. We'd drive, park near the lake, and walk its perimeter with the dogs. Everybody was there on the weekends, en famille.

When I was on my own, I'd walk to Sablon. I'd have a café latte and croissant at Cafe du Sablon, investigate the antique stores reasonably early in the morning and then head to the Museum of Fine Arts to roam around while listening to my music. At the Royal Museums of Fine Arts of Belgium, I'd recommend getting a Combination ticket for the Old Masters and the Magritte Museum. I could spend hours there, but I'd usually wait until the rain stopped and then head behind the museums to The Mont des Arts to slowly walk around or simply take in the view. From there it's easy to walk towards The Grande Place.

The Grande Place is a tourist trap but worth seeing. Nearby Galeries Royales Saint Hubert houses cafes for people-watching and chocolatiers. It’s beautiful inside.

In the Wintertime, I used to take a newspaper on a Sunday and have a hot chocolate with marshmallows by the fire at Le Roy d'Espagne. You can watch the world go by and see tourists juggling with selfie sticks and umbrellas.

1999 I had a birthday lunch at Chez Leon with a gigantic seafood platter. It's not the same as it was but it's still good. It's close to Grande Place.

Must-do experiences:

• Belgian Waffle with chocolate, and/or strawberries, and/or raspberries and/or bananas. Have lots of wet wipes and tissues ready!

• Moules Frites - Mussels with fries. A trick is to use the empty shell of one mussel as a tweezer (pince) to retrieve the flesh from another mussel. No fork is required! You’ll only need a spoon to drink the sauce and fish out the mussels at the bottom. A good baguette is perfect for soaking up the juice. Don’t be shy, that’s the best part.

• Visit a fromagerie and buy a selection of the stinkiest cheese that seems to crawl across the plate. Buy a big crunchy baguette that's squidgy in the middle, fresh tomatoes, salt, apples, walnuts, grapes, figs and your preferred tipple. Then, head to THE garden

• GEM: Aux Merveilleux du Fred - Meringue heaven. Beware of queues

• At the top of the Musical Instrument Museum is a great view of Brussels. Unfortunately, it's shut for renovation!

• Place St Catherine - summer evenings or Christmas.

Food

• One of my favourite restaurants was La Canne en Ville - I think it's changed management now.

• The Quincaillerie in Ixelles was great for a Friday or Saturday. Busy but good.

• Brunch is an event at the weekend. I used to go to Pain Quotidien

• Exki shops are great for delicious food and salads to take away and sit somewhere.

• TripAdvisor will show you lots of good restaurants. Many Michelin-starred restaurants are casual-smart and not over-formal.

• Market of Chatelain on Wednesday evenings is lovely to walk around.

• Neuhaus chocolate is better than Godiva (a highly debated and contested subject).

• AND, of course, the beer! A Leffe blonde or a Duvel is my favorite.

• The 2024 Best Rooftop Bars

• The best restaurants with a view

Other considerations:

• The Manekin Pis, European Parliament and the Atomium for the view.

• If you know TinTin, investigate the shop near the Grande Place.

• Some other ideas:

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

I wrote my poem ‘Head-Heart-Gut Aligned’ in December 2017. I needed a solid anchor and reminder of why I was doing what I was doing. I need that again, today.

There are moments when words take on a life of their own. This was one of those times.

When the world comes knocking on your door, cracking you to attention
Avoid the paranoid thoughts, fears linked to past-contexts, expectations and perceptions 
Open that door with excited anticipation...comforted by all you’ve learnt, & what's emerging 
You’re Liberated of career chains, and life’s conditioned state
you're already armed, primed for this - 
so 'GO On, escape!' 

Today, you’re focused, ..evolving, and.. carving a new way forward;  
Discovering a path, with no stations or exact destination 
So maybe for once you can savour this journey: be curious, awake, adapt & lean in... 
stay open to even more changes, as the uncertainties begin 
This time it's not the results that's going to define this ride 
Nor a bonus, a salary or inflated pride 
Because now, you've chosen to prioritise CARE,  
For your parents, for yourself and the select few, you love & embrace like life-giving air

So when you hear that knock, it’s just a clear reminder that today 
It's one of many opportunities you can hear clearly, now that you're out of the fray 
emerging from the whirlwind your senses are more alive  
You are out of the trancelike state of sleep-walking through your own life

Relish the uncertainty, embrace the new connections,
And above all else, be brave beyond your previous comprehension.
Because after what was some awesome career progression,  
you now realise, what makes you feel alive 
You’ve reprioritised, refocused and now you’re on this path 
Exactly where you should be, to be yourself and thrive 

Even if it means journeying through pain, it’s feeling and THAT, is life 
So, now that you feel fulfilled, grown-up & evolved from that past, 
Be here, ...Be present  
Because NOW, you can Stand-up straight 
……...At Last! 

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Brené Brown’s book ‘Braving the Wilderness’ was published in September 2017. Perfect inspirational timing!

My bottom line: The events of 2015 to 2017 were my own personal wake-up call and this poem underscored why I needed to be more consciously aware, to remind myself of my 'why', and to be BRAVE. 

Many reasons and events in my life led to this personal decision to care for my parents. Each person's choice is their own. For me, the decision has been more of a need, to do what feels right for me - integral, integrated, fulfilled. You may hear the energetic resonance in the poem, that's the clear, bell ringing my truth and the integrity I feel in my choice.

Being a Carer is not for everyone, nor would I want anyone to 'sleepwalk' into it, which is a common phenomenon these days. Intentional consideration and choice are something I hope and wish everyone has.

A Recommendation: Create space for you to think about yourself: it sounds simple, but it's hard to do in our fast-paced busy world. I wouldn’t wish a crisis, as a wake-up call, on anyone. Enabling space in our routine can be a gift to ourselves and to making intentional choices.

Journalling or writing a letter can expose some deeper-seated, procrastinated thoughts and feelings. Honing your alignment takes time, but you'll feel it when your head, heart and gut click. Be kind and empathetic to yourself. Self-compassion is the first place to start.

This is the quote which Brené Brown uses at the start of her book, ‘Braving the Wilderness’

My ethos: We belong to ourselves above all else. Our choices are what make us, us.

2015 was one of the worst years I’ve experienced—a perfect storm of events, a test of love, and it was torture.

At the end of 2014, my work position had been 'reorg’d’ - hello ‘Garden leave’. [A limbo-state of getting paid, but without a clear path to another job].

I explored new job options and capitalised on freedom from a daily work routine. I had the blasé confidence of someone who’s ‘been there, done that’ and the self-assurance that something would turn up. It did, but not as I’d expected.

An early morning call from Mum was how it all started.

Overnight, Dad had been coughing and vomiting blood. They were in the hospital, and she was coordinating with the doctors. She tried to reassure me.

I’d forgotten that - back then, at 43 years old, they were still parenting-protecting me. Mum was trying to convince me and herself that everything would be okay.

Cold sweat, shock. Shivers. Then, action mode, sort, pack, get a train ticket.

I’d had a few of these calls but this felt different. It wasn’t a blip of atrial fibrillation or a minor stroke.

I’ll say this quickly because it’s still excruciating to think about.

When they got to the hospital in the early hours of the morning, Dad had already lost a lot of blood, and some young gung-ho doctor decided to do an endoscopic investigation with drip anaesthesia at the back of Dad’s throat via his nose, with him awake.

They ignored his fragile heart failure, atrial fibrillation and the fact he’d had small transient ischaemic attacks (TIAs are like small strokes). They seemed undeterred by the loss of blood and also the fact that he had arthritis in his neck preventing easy intubation.

Cue a couple of atrial fibrillation episodes whilst this doctor tried to look down Dad’s oesophagus, with Dad flailing and pulling the tube out. It was torture for Dad and traumatic for Mum.

Dad was later diagnosed with vascular dementia; lack of oxygen to his brain - gosh I wonder why!

A VITAL sidebar soapbox moment:

This is part of why I do what I do. As Emily Kenway said in her Amanpour interview, 'When you have the knowledge and feel the pain, it feels like a moral obligation to help and warn others about it!'

Push, champion, advocate, question and take action. I employ everything I learned throughout my career to advocate for my parents and others. ‘Never Assume‘, presume lack of communication, check, probe and protect. I was never blocked from demonstrating my concern and love.

Old school deference doesn’t wash with me, but it still resides with some older relatives. It did with my Dad, compounded because he was a doctor, too. He preferred to ‘shush’ our questions or downplay his symptoms.

For every emergency, I repeated the same information 2-3 times to different people. I ensured the highest priority issues were communicated and considered within Dad’s treatment equation.

Our ‘go-bag’ for Dad’s blue-lit journeys always had five copies of 2 info sheets: His medical diagnoses, latest scan and blood results, etc., and a list of his medications (dose, administration regimen) and allergies.

Back to February 2015.

Dad returned home somewhat stabilised - exhausted. No one sleeps in a hospital with all the machines bleeping and the regular checks of your vitals.

He was home but part of him was lost. Spikes twisted our hearts. Cut Through and Torn (Poem 2015)

But we had to keep moving forward. I interviewed for a new role and was offered the position in Belgium.

I sat with Mum, torn, crying, not knowing what to do. Take the job, don’t take the job? She encouraged me to take it. Still parenting me, trying to protect me. I needed to get on with life, and she’d manage. I could see her waver but steel herself within seconds.

I thought I could ‘do it all’. I ‘should’ be able to juggle it all. Hadn’t other women already done exactly this? Isn’t THAT what feminists say - we can do it all, have it all!? I could be that ‘Superwoman too, right!?’

This could be like the other ‘achievements’ I’d done. I would narrate a new hero story as a ‘done-good-despite’, right? Spin to positives, always, right? RIGHT?

This was how my 16th relocation started. Frenetic, in a furious, vengeful whirlwind.

On one side there was organising the movers, the packing, negotiating out of a rental contract in London, beginning to onboard to a new role, connecting with my new team, learning about the business I would be managing, finding a new home in Brussels, completing work-residence permits, meeting peers, and travelling between my parents home, while moving from London and getting situated in Brussels.

On the other side, Mum was trying to care for Dad, hitting one painful bump after another. My heart was with them, but my head was tied up with ‘shoulds’ elsewhere.

I tried to be in two places at once. At work, I needed to ‘get with the program’ and familiarise myself with the business to meet the deadline of a critical board meeting.

At home, my parents were not managing well, and while I’d researched care agencies and support, there was no way Dad was having someone ‘care for him’; he didn’t need them! ‘What exactly would they do anyway?’

I was in a medieval torture chamber. I was being torn apart in all directions, trying to do everything and doing nothing, failing entirely everywhere.

The worst part was Dad. He was having more 'episodes' and severe oedema in his legs - like ants crawling under his skin. Mum and I massaged his legs, but Dad scratched, tearing skin, making a bloody mess of the bandages and compression socks—weeping legs, wobbly with arthritis and cantankerous. Mum was exhausted.

I tortured myself for six months in total.

I remember sitting at 2 am in my home office with a blank PowerPoint slide staring at me. A flashing arrow cursor blinked hypnotically. My brain was frozen; AWOL.

I was pretzeled. No words, no board presentation. Burnt.

This was my 'wheelhouse' speciality. I had all the facts, the pieces I'd researched and each team member’s expert input. Fingers and brain were locked, frozen. Like Tin-man, I’d cried myself dry and lost signs of my heart, but now I was also losing my brain.

All the 'should's' appeared: 'I should...be able to do all this; it's just another challenge that I should knock out of the park; why can't I do this? What's happening? Why am I so stupid? Idiot! Why can't I type a simple bloody sentence..everyone expects me to get this done; the team needs me. They keep saying, ‘You’ll get it done; you always do in the end.’ Yeah, sure! But I’m failing. How can I get out of this? Can I? Yes, no - no pressure, right? RIGHT?’

I started a story thread angle for the presentation and ditched it five minutes later. I tried another....and it was 4 am—the cold light of day, and nothing on the slide. Fear bites, ice.

Cold, flushed with adrenalin I'd criticise myself for being in Belgium and not with my parents. Nothing was right.

I’d talk with my close friend at work and kept flip-flopping. My inner critic pushes and criticises. Is this motivation? I’m in a spin-cycle, the wringer. I think I can keep going, and then I’m back spinning. Everywhere and nowhere. Black-blur.

I can’t remember the date exactly, but I remember sobbing in a cafe with my lovely friend, who sensed my distress. She soundboarded with me through my wet, snotty sobs (I have an extraordinary ‘chosen family’ 🩷🩷!!).

Finally, we broke my spin cycle enough to navigate to a decision and small next steps.

I requested a 3-month medical leave of absence (Belgium offers up to 1 year to support an immediate family member).

I still tortured myself to ‘perform’ the board presentation, but the day after it I was with my parents. Relieved, reprieved - from myself.

Yes, Belgium has caregiver leave! It was small money and several admin forms, but my job had to be held for up to a year. I didn’t recognise how lucky and blessed I was at the time. I do now!

This….. was only the beginning, the start of our rollercoaster, because a few months into the leave, Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer.

The Eldercare Rollercoaster (Poem 2019). I’ll share more of my experience when I can retell the pain.

My advice from this experience: Connect with others and break the spin cycle!

In a spin cycle crisis, we are buffeted and drowning. This is when we need empathy and inspiration the most.

‘Managing your mental load’ is essential to see the big picture and to step away from your inner critic. You can’t control your thoughts, but there are ways to free yourself from the torture.

3 Resources that helped me

1. Mindfulness

In 2015, I researched Vascular Dementia because I needed to understand Dad’s ‘episodes’, what I could expect next and any tips on handling this S**tty situation.

I've published some of the resources I found in the article: 'Dementia, the Unforgettable Impact on Caregivers.'

I found a course called 'Mindfulness for Wellbeing and Peak Performance' by Monash University (Dr Richard Chalmers and Assoc. Prof Craig Hassed). It was excellent; it was online and provided guided meditations. Perfect for a newbie who was a little sceptical and wanted to get the benefits fast!

Mindfulness is a core habit alongside journalling that keeps me grounded.

Flexing and finding 5 minutes here and there is my perfect imperfect approach in our unpredictable, constantly changing norm of caregiving.

Since 2015, I have done the course twice. Unfortunately, it doesn't run anymore.

The University of Edinburgh is delivering another online course. I did it in August 2023 to refresh my thinking. It’s called 'Selfcare and wellbeing'.

Here's an article that presents a valuable overview of mindful meditation by from his Substack Publication 'DOCTALK' Mindful Meditation. A method for reducing the effects of trauma, stress, and more.

Watch out for the following article, ‘Managing the Mental Load’, in which I share the self-compassion work and resources of Dr Kristen Neff and Dr Christian Gerber.

2 Learning & building Emotional Agility

In March 2024, I published a series of articles devoted to sharing the work of Dr Susan David, and other experts. You can see the indexed list and suggested reading order here.

A blessing. Susan David’s work on Emotional Agility. Please read this and watch the video!

3 Movement

This came later. Walking, then ‘walk-run-walk’. 20-30 minutes a day was a must-do, not a ‘nice-to-have’ or ‘aren’t I so fabulous to have a care routine’. Nope, in the deepest, darkest no-sleep days looking after Dad, this was how I vented fear and stayed sane. Drs Amelia and Emily Nagoski explain why this works in their podcast with Dr Brené Brown:

How to Complete the Stress Cycle.

Two Articles associated to this one

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We set our goals and plans with verve and energy at the start of the year, but have you tested or explored the reference points and assumptions that frame your choices? Is your lens and perspective outdated? Perhaps you’ve experienced a big change or event, that’s impacted your outlook on life.

Have you ever thought about your Frame of Reference (Click here for definition and Methodology)? Stimulus prompts:

• Test the edges and boundaries of your assumptions. How far can you stretch from habitual anchors that bind, judge and tie your perspective? Where has that self-criteria come from? Why is your inner critic saying that?

• How do you triangulate your point of view? What events have shaped your perspective, is your lens biased?

• What criteria are you using to measure your success are they outdated now?

• Are you rigidly sticking to past opinions or curiously exploring, evolving and learning?

• Do you think you're closed or open to the ‘new’? A malleable evolving mindset or fragile, set mind?

• Are you being kind, compassionate and curious or doggedly judging yourself?

Using old criteria doesn’t serve your new purpose.

After leaving full-time work, in hindsight, it took me more than a year and a half to recognise I was still ‘automatically’ judging and measuring myself on an outdated frame of reference.

My priorities and what I was doing every day had shifted 180 degrees. I realised that my everyday behaviours and actions were now more aligned with my core values. However, these were ‘Values’ that I hadn't clearly articulated to myself until that point. Success was defined by work, yearly objectives, reviews by managers, bonuses, professional achievements, the successes of my team and the talents I supported. I realise now I had conformed and conditioned into a specific ‘corporate way of working.’

This mindset served me well at the time, but then it was hard to reprogram these well-entrenched references of success. How are you measuring and recognising your growth and milestone successes outside of work? Measurement and celebration can be tricky qualitatively. Making relative comparisons against past experiences helps.

Of course, learning new definitions of success for yourself also means you have to retrain your inner critic. So, it's an exercise in continuous improvement and self-compassion.

In Part 2 of this post, I'll share more about defining core values and identity. First, I wanted to offer a premise, food for thought.

Part 1 Testing and recalibrating my Frame of Reference

Have you considered re-calibrating your Frame of Reference? Are the goals and measures you're planning for 2024 in synch with your values? Are you measuring new goals using old criteria?

Here’s part of the self-inquiry, conversation that I had with myself in 2017 when I had handed in my resignation and was about to start helping my mother care for my Dad. [Summarised from journals I wrote to myself armed with Brené Brown’s books, ‘Braving the Wilderness’, 'Atlas of the Heart', and Susan David’s book ‘Emotional Agility’. Forgive the reflective repetition and some rambling!]

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The conversation with myself:

When you have moved on, but your brain holds you to old anchoring values, it’s good to stand still and re-evaluate what’s important. Revise and review the timeline exercise. Has the scores for events changed, what’s important now?

If you are judging yourself on an old ‘system’ then you’re still being conditioned by things from your past. Perhaps it feels weird to be so liberated that you can explore new anchors and a new frame of reference. The uncertainty there can make you feel scared and untethered. 

BUT remind yourself that you are breaking your own, new ground, setting precedence, and changing what you do every day, but it’s aligned with what you already know feels right inside. This change is unlike any of the previous ones. Reclaim ownership of your most important, most expensive asset, Time.

By setting your own new frame of reference, you know that the resonance is yours; it’s true to your identity, your authenticity and values, so it must be right. You can define your ‘Right’ frame of reference. There was always some structure, formal and informal guidance, and rules which have helped you get here to be you, but untethered from the conditioning you can set your own rules. You’re free to define your ‘Right’ frame, for once!

You've always felt strongly independent, with a sense of agency. You've navigated 18 relocations, and 3 companies and led diverse global teams through uncertainty and organisational changes. Those are experiences demonstrating your agility and skills, not a program of action you need to keep repeating like the spin cycle program on a washing machine - essential, always done every time! Don’t go through the motions or tie yourself to repeating the same program. Grow, add value - just align yourself to doing it differently by leveraging your strengths!

With love, compassion, resilience and bravery you can resonate more authentically and feel the truth and ‘goodness’ in what you're doing. Empathy and inspiration were part of your mantra for leading your teams, lean into that and reimagine what that looks like now! In your first job as a market researcher, you analysed and developed actionable insights that could unlock new opportunities - so what does that look like now? You love discovering new references and resources, thinking spherically to solve problems so you’re going to need that now!

There are preconceptions you have of being a carer and perhaps you’re worried or pondering on what other people think. Don’t! The judgement of others hasn’t been top of your list before so why start now? Don’t forget that in every role you’ve had you had to carve out your way of doing it. It’s not the ‘what’ you do its the ‘how’ you do it that’s made the difference before. Lean on that.

You are going to have to rethink how you celebrate and define success. Dad’s in the palliative state now - what does that even really mean? How long is that? You’ve managed to get through the first bladder cancer operation …the next one’s scheduled. There is an inescapable inevitability….rheumatoid arthritis, congestive heart failure, mobility and disability with gnarled fingers and toes, topped off with Vascular dementia and now, bladder cancer….and all these symptoms…quality time, curating memories….at the same time as managing toileting and showering… Figuring out what matters, and celebrating small, meaningful everyday wins may be the relative equivalent to a high-priority global project being achieved but with huge emotional and physical strain added into the mix. Redefine goals and wins and recognition. You had people-management and leadership responsibilities before, now you have lives in your care.

This is why staying curious and open is going to be so important. Keep adjusting and adapting and questioning. Check the timeline again for strengths you can lean on or reframe…and you’re going to have to figure out how you can keep your superactive brain stretching. If you can sustain your curiosity and open-mindedness you can learn and evolve this frame of reference as a living standard, not be rigid. As Susan David would say, this provides you with a strength; being emotionally agile. Your new training on this has already been happening since 2015!

To paraphrase Brené Brown, understanding the anatomy of vulnerability and trusting yourSELF,  empowers you more and can drive your empathy and ability to connect further. Traits you treasure.

[You can see the recalibration here: A Recalibration I’ll share more of my self-mentoring, recalibration in Part 2 Articulating my Values and Identity and Aspirations.]

Here are 5 Insights that have reinforced my new frame, and my priorities.

These have kept me anchored with my guiding values since my resignation, May 2017.

1. The test - a new big role opportunity from another headhunter.

In 2017 a Headhunter called me. I was boarding a train to return home to my parents. I had already handed in my resignation to leave my present company and was committed to spending more time supporting my parents when I received the call. The role was for another Vice-Presidency, for Europe and it was 'just' an intro-exploratory call but the headhunter's interest and enthusiasm were infectious. When our phone call was cut due to poor reception, it was an appropriate sign.

For about 10-15 seconds I became excited thinking about the challenge, the opportunity and the potential new location. It was only, as I was redialling that I realised how out of sync even following up and continuing the discussions would be. I politely explained my priorities and agreed to keep in touch if anything changed. I had to consciously manoeuvre my mindset, Away from being excited & engaged, discussing the potential role with my usual ‘high-talent’ correctness towards being a newly-out-of-corporate, secondary caregiver. My mind was still career strategising, in fast-track performance and promotions, even though I'd confirmed my purpose and stated my choice to everyone.

My choice was to be with my parents, to help my mother care for my Dad with all his complex health issues, especially because Dad was about to have a second cancer operation. My automatic reflexes needed more time to adjust to this new situation and reality, but I’d at least passed my first personal test. I had managed to keep myself from pursuing a new work challenge and stay true to my choice.

2. The Ten Seconds of Envy pass.

Anytime one of my ex-colleagues, or my mentees, gets a promotion or prepares for an interview, I have twinges of envy. It lasts for about 10 seconds and then I remember how zen I am now, right where I should be. Head, heart and gut aligned (click to see the poem I wrote end of 2017). I would NOT trade places for anything. But I try to be self-compassionate with myself. I remind myself that for those 10 seconds, envy happens because I'm remembering old anchors, measures, an old lifestyle and the past frame of reference. Reflex reaction to how I was before not how I’ve decided I want to do things or be now. The old criteria and reference points served me well and brought me personal satisfaction and success before, but that was then and this is now.

3. My needs, values and choices are about caring and being here.

Any of the countless moments, Dad cried or shouted looking at me with a little confusion or fear in his eyes; when we could feel the effects of his vascular dementia. Or when Mum whimpered in pain a few days after the chemotherapy infusion and the pain 'in her bones' was kicking in. These tortuous, heart-wrenching moments have validated my physical presence, being here caring for my parents and resigning from my job. For me, it's not a duty or obligation. It's simply the right choice for me. Love in action. It's not a decision everyone I encounter understands. However, I don’t need everyone to understand it. I belong to my definitions and decisions; my sense of agency and independence is strong. At the same time, the tragedy for many carers is that they may NOT have a choice. Reconciling myself to the realities of my new situation, and seeing it within the context of other carer’s experience has been an education in itself. We are blessed.

4. Deep resonance as threads vibrate.

The most impactful testimony to this being the RIGHT FRAME for me now was the night my father passed away. I'll say this quickly because deep resonance comes with great pain. Resonance comes from the moments of holding my Dad as he took his last gasps of life, being able to apply all my communication, organisation and decision-making skills that night, and the 2 weeks afterwards, to organise the service, give the eulogy and activate probate before Mum was admitted for her first cancer surgery at the end of the same month.

I am exactly where I should be and vibrating at the most solid resonant frequency, being true to myself.

Please note: I AM NOT preaching or advising that people should be a carer or care for their parents in their home or even 'do the caring themselves'. I'm advocating for creating the space to make informed conscious decisions which align with your values.

5. Passion, purpose, activism and mission. A more robust integrated identity.

Talent development was an intrinsic part of what I enjoyed at work. Every call or interaction with my mentoring clients enables me to continue this passion for paying forward my experience and learnings; to help clients realise their potential and soundboard their career and life decisions. These talented executives, directors and business owners are fully cognoscente that my mentorship comes second to my current purpose and priority; caring for my mother.

Like many Carers I have become an advocate beyond the needs of our care situation, to support other Carers.

Whilst my username and website name is 'Carer Mentor' it is a simple title of two things I do, and brings together my first ‘life-integrated-with-income-generating-title'.

More recently the additional dimension of leveraging my mentoring skills for Carers has come to the fore. e.g. sound-boarding communications, navigating the gauntlet of hospital discharges, or reframing difficult situations with loved ones. It's an evolving journey, where each Carer has a unique rollercoaster, but at the same time, there is strong solidarity and support between Carers—mutual appreciation of the nightmare challenges and emotional strains, and therefore empathetic connecting.

Mentoring, connecting with- and supporting other Carers, engages the extrovert part of my character as well as keeping my little grey cells alight. A strong counterweight balance to all the project management, and multitude of tasks that a Carer has to do.

These personal insights offer some perspective on why I feel so blessed and zen despite the traumatic events we've been through. I’ve articulated my frame of reference and it makes sense and feels right. Head-Heart-Gut aligned

Checkpoint time for you

Before you start planning and goal-setting, check your frame of reference. You can use the Timeline Exercise. Create space for yourself and test your frame. Use these Annual Review Questions to review 2023. Where your body reacts, if you feel misaligned dig deeper.

What 5 moments or experiences can you identify that reinforce your frame of reference?

An important reminder:

If the only constant in life is change, I'm glad I can map and orient myself through its journey via the timeline exercise and its recalibrations, to give myself stability. I hope you can too.

It's easier to fly untethered if you have the right points of reference. I hope these insights give you a fresh perspective to map your journey and fly forward with greater confidence.

In Part 2 I’ll share more about how I articulated my guiding values and reshaped my core identity.

(1st version published May 9th 2020. 2nd Version published May 2021. 3rd Version Published January 1st 2023)

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Breathing. Big exhale….release.

I thought I'd spend some time in the 'Not Knowing' space. You know that place that's gloomy, not here and not there. The in-between space. The one where we've stepped beyond the clarity of our moment's ‘just-past’ reflection and have dared to step onto the unknown crossroads.

Before the next event horizon with no clear guide, conditions or obligations, space and time morph. Faster if we wish to accommodate and embrace more. Slower if we want to push through quickly over the threshold straight into new action. How long have you braved this 'Not Knowing' space? How quickly have you harried into doing something? Do you try to avoid this vulnerable place, excuse yourself from approaching it. Can you hold yourself in this 'Not Knowing' space, and just be?

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Perhaps it's only at this time of year, between Christmas and New Year, when this in-between space of 'Not Knowing' appears, like Harry Potter's Room of Requirement.  This space of contemplation is free of work's yearly goals, blinkers removed from results-driven tasks and less tethered to the push-pull of other people's expectations. We are more vulnerable and exposed compared to other times of the year. Memories, people, and nostalgia all come together funnelled through the year's darkest time-point, filtered with traditions, family histrionics, dynamics and our self-imposed pressures.

Before Mother Nature can bring her fresh light are we able to be okay in this twilight of 'Not Knowing'?

What do you do in this space?  Are you too exhausted to do anything? Or do you have your rituals and habits for this time? Are you trying to do things or contemplating?

Of course, we each have responsibilities. I'm writing this whilst listening out for my Mother. A Carer's list of to-do's and our routine is 24/7. Perhaps this is why this space of 'Not Knowing' is so special. A state of mind, not a place or something. An inarticulate space where I can say, ‘It's ok to think but not be sure and not to know.’ It’s an indulgence when one of the most important Carer-hats is to know and anticipate needs to sustain stability. The knowing is an automatic reflex.

Whilst the Carer mindset persists in service to Mum, I'm blessed that while things are calm this year (unlike previous years), I can indulge in releasing myself from the bounds of setting plans, chasing communications, appointments and medications and just for a few days, BE.  This space of 'Not Knowing' releases and frees me to be curious. Explore, ramble, pick bits up, put them down. Playful mind, curiously free. Pull on a new thread, put down old ones, or tie ends in a knot and leave them complete.

The magic of the in-between space is a release of sparks. Open up a little wider to wonder. Look up curiously at the sparks that float the imagination without measuring time. Let’s help some fly, and encourage them upwards. These are the sparks of inspiration. They light up this gloomy twilight of 'Not Knowing', offering stepping stone ideas towards defining a new edge and new knowing. Each gleam is an opportunity to dream and be more than we were yesterday.

Being in this 'Not knowing' space is sparking more curiosity and fresh creativity, releasing it to be free, increasing the light.

New magic, fresh potential to realise unknown dreams. New light to inspire a New Year, borne from the curiosity of the ‘Not Knowing’. I can see that now.

I think I’ll stay a little longer, wander in the wondering and just Be.

The poem reminds me that December can be a dark month for many people.

While some of us are counting our blessings, others can’t see a light. Sometimes, as these years progress, we feel it all, instantaneously, the good, the bad and everything in between. Tread lightly, dear one.

Empathy, self-compassion, bittersweet joy, and sadness can all co-exist within this nostalgia-filled month, like flags waving and reminding us of our life’s times.

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The pierce and crack of words can sometimes break the trance:
the glazed eye, 
abrupt words
another mind-numbing episode erupts.
Adrenalin courses and my body primes
No easy days. I SO miss his light and shine.

Afraid of what is happening, I have to take THAT stance
the one, where, eyed as the child, I have to use my adult skills 
No frills - just breakthrough and lead us to calm, with charm.
But teeth grind, nails indent palms and adrenalin overtakes
firing electricity stinging, and singeing, like hot pins
Now role reversal, is anchoring in.

We are losing our grip on the illusion 
of strong, intelligent, and charismatic Dad,
his life and soul is seeping out, 
Discombobulated and sad, the vascular dementia robs him of more cognition, 
Unable to follow the chat, now he prefers to listen, sit instead of quoting trivia like a king
he's crumbling more often, down to the emotions of a kid.

The only way to comfort is to facilitate other illusions
Play into the stories of childhood memories and holidays by the beach
Offer the sense of control, to give him some release
An illusion of control, decision making and ‘head-of-family’ pride,
retelling of awards and family gatherings; tribe.

The authoritative impact words, that would have been from parent to child
Are now the role reversal boundaries, of pace and stride.
They pierce through the veil and trance, offering the rails to hold, trust and guide 
They keep him comfortable in the familiarity of everyday routine
Reassured, cared for, and seen.

Every moment we walk through, is heartache and pain
This is eldercare real-life, 
no roses or cream, nor skating along in a dream.
The sharp bittersweet pain punctuates our journey, making rollercoaster tracks clear
Indelible, tattooed by those hot pins, It’s always love we feel .
Grieving hearts, cut through and torn, within.

Other Carer Mentor poems

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Have you thought about how your life's story evolves and how your perspective of events can change over time?

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The Timeline exercise has been part of my annual review, every year since 1997, when I was first introduced to it as part of a self-development module within my MBA course. It's enabled me to think, big-picture; strategically and helped me to put important events, into perspective. By constructing personal insights I've been able to be more intentional in terms of my career strategy over the years. More recently, I could visualise the seismic shifts and take stock of how my frame of reference has changed as a Carer.

Self-inquiry and reflection have helped to ground me as a Carer.

Mapping my journey and drawing out key reference points, has situated me within my own story and secured a unique sense of belonging. Even in the most bleak or confused times, seeing this perspective and linking it back to my values is reassuring, and the personal alignment I need to keep going. Fear and insecurity dissipate when I can see the bigger picture.

Hypothesis: Perhaps it enables psychological safety or a feeling of being more in control because it offers a unique perspective of events. It's not a comparison to other people's expectations or definitions. It focuses on your subjective references; and how we rate our life events.

Beyond the frame of work, and income generation how do you assess your year? How do you mark events or measure your year?

Click here for 10 Annual Review Questions; (ARQ)  The ARQs of your 2023 reflection can help you create a space to pause and recharge before new decisions and goals are made for 2024.

How you interpret and choose to use the questions and prompts is personal. Your interpretation is indicative of your focus and priorities, at the end of the year.

Using the Timeline Exercise and the ARQs can provide a more complete review of your year and put it into context with previous events. A key part of the exercise is sharing it with someone you trust, whose opinion you value. How you narrate your story e.g. where you start, where you focus, and how you describe events, can be very telling, in itself.

A notable recalibration, brought into sharp focus

When you do this exercise you can only look back in hindsight, from that moment in time.

My ‘Frame of Reference’ looked very different when I did it in 2014, compared to today's version (see below). In 2023, the recalibration of past events, relative to new ones has produced a very different overview, given the seismic activity over the last eight years of being a Carer and setting up my business as a Mentor.

With every new experience we learn, grow and change; we differ from how we were before. Even if we resist personal change, the world around us changes, impacting our positioning & context within it. Our Frame of Reference changes over time.

Timeline exercise June 2014. 20-point total scale. 1988 to 2014

Timeline exercise August 2023. 1988 to 2023 with recalibration of the earlier years, over a 10-point scale.

My 2023 Timeline will provide a map for the content on the Carer Mentor site. The posts will be anchored to specific moments in my journey like pins dropped on the map. The beauty of a website versus writing a book is that I can write a post about a particular event or phase, anytime, and you can see where it's located in the map-context of my journey.

I could never have predicted what was to come back in 2014. I had some fantastic highs, and happy moments back then. There were chunky work challenges to sink my teeth into, some amazing teams, and many extremely talented individuals, experts in different domains and from many different cultures and countries, that I worked with. I'm blessed to have been part of serving the needs of many patients, across many countries, and privileged to have received a significant amount of training and advice from mentors.

Since then, I've experienced the full amplitude of what life is offering me, seismic and oftentimes uncomfortable. The analysis is a snapshot frame of reference, comparing life events but it doesn't show the durability of the joy and resonance I have accumulated over the last eight years of being a Carer Mentor. We can be mindfully present in the moment, and fully experience what is happening - even in the most painful moments; but we can also be connected to the bigger picture of our lives; a cumulation of experience that builds and defines us, over time.

The recalibration between the different snapshots; after one new year or after several years, offers us a new way to appreciate how we change. We can discover the evolution of our preferences and values over time.

Hypothesis: what was impactful in our younger years, is less impactful later on as we learn how to cope and navigate a similar situation more easily. The changes to our criteria; how we measure success and failure, and rate the events ultimately mean our frame of reference becomes challenged, and we recalibrate over time.

Would I have preferred a smoother timeline over the last years? The irony of my picture is that I’ve felt more, been more in tune with myself and experienced more ‘life’ after 2015 even though, I studied and worked in 9 countries and relocated 16 times up to that point. So, you see it’s a matter of perspective.

Leave a comment: What does your journey, Time line exercise look like? Has your Frame of reference changed? What's your biggest 'Aha!' insight?

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The graph shows the relative scoring of events which I made for my personal life events, 2018 to 2021. Carer MentorTM Framework

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The Rollercoaster

Propelled forward, not able to lead or drive or control, you rattle forward
Sensitive to every bump, every thump
Holding on as best you can
Ready and always to hand, 
Constantly trying to prime for the next loop

Just when you think you’ve got the best grip, there’s another blind-drop, 
Feeling everything and nothing.
Yet, you have to keep going, 
You brush off the fears and thoughts
You try to ‘Go with the flow’

The rattles of the car, scare you and you can’t see what’s coming ahead
You know there are loops, and falls but don’t know when or where
Blind to the future and dark in the present
you scrounge around you for support…or an escape route
 reach out, for a hand to hold 

And then the next insidious, climb starts, 
Slowly, cranking up the dread …
you can’t appreciate that small period of calm 
or that small peak of excitement or joy
because before you know it, you’re tipping forwards 
and waving your arms around in free-fall, 
Again.