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Carer Mentor is a dynamic resource of experiences. You’re NOT alone.

This Care for the Carer section of the Carer Mentor Website is why I started this website in 2020.

Over the last decade, since I started caring for my parents, I’ve sought out experts, research, and insights to help me navigate caregiving. The resources and recommendations I found are here for you. This is the reference I would have liked to have from day one of caregiving.

Every set of personal circumstances is unique. I don’t presume to know what you or any carer is going through. There is no judgment or expectations here. This space is for all caregivers.

The information and insights may offer a new perspective or reframing that could help you, or maybe not. What’s helped me could help you. Only you can decide if this information is useful for you.

All the information is publicly available. I’ve taken the time to curate these resources for us.

This section is not about caring for someone; it’s about how we manage and care for ourselves.

Carer Mentor is a hub of resources, recommendations and information. A reliable go-to nexus of insights and comfort for the caregiver. A place where Care for the Carer comes first, and the acts of caregiving come second.

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Index of tools

• Carer Mentor Concepts

• Inspired by Books

• Life Transitions, Changes and Narrative Psychology

• Self-compassion, Complete The Stress Cycle

• Emotions and Emotional Agility

• Misconceptions about Emotions

• How Emotions are Made

• A Growth Mindset

• Resilience

• Building your Values Compass

• Walking Your Why

• The Language of Caregivers

Carer Mentor Concepts

1. The Timeline Exercise. The big picture reflections. Putting things into perspective. This is the first exercise I ask all my mentoring clients to do. It’s a simple yet powerful way to facilitate an overview and a deep dive into impactful events

2. ‘Ten Annual Review Questions’ to prompt deeper reflections.

3. ‘5 Sparks to inspire a fresh perspective.’ Rethinking what matters

4. “Are you setting yourself up for success?” 2 Big questions and 1 Simple Exercise with powerful implications.

5. Personal Opinion: ‘A Recalibrated Frame of Reference’ A reframing of life events.

6. Navigating with Emotional Agility: ‘A map, compass and signposts.’ Preparing for the onward journey. How I navigate forward

7. Index: Experts, References, Resources Quoted/Highlighted in Carer Mentor Articles

Main Index

Inspired By Books

1. Carer Mentor’s 2026 Top Ten ‘Annual Re-Reads’ and the current twenty-five books competing for a top-ten spot.

2. Carer Mentor’s Ten Annual Re-Reads

3. The current twenty-five books which are competing for a Top Ten listing

4. Recommendation: Emily Kenway’s ‘Who Cares: The hidden crisis of caregiving and how we solve it.’ One of my Top Ten Annual Re-Reads.

5. Resource: Megan Devine’s ‘How do you help a grieving friend?’ Refuge in Grief Website & Book

   Main Index

Life Transitions, Changes and Narrative Psychology

1. Recommendation: Bruce Feiler’s “Life is in the Transitions. Mastering Change at Any Age.” TEDx Talk and Book

2. Recommendation: Insights: Hidden Brain’s ‘Change Your Story, Change Your Life.’ Summary notes, insights, prompts and creating synergies of articles.

Main Index

Self-compassion, Complete The Stress Cycle

1. Resources: ‘Managing the Mental Load.’ Understanding and enabling yourself.

2. Resources: ‘Moving your inner voices out’ Mental Health Awareness

3. Recommendation: ‘Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy five-stage path.’ Shankar Vedantam interviews Lucy Hone (Public Health Resilience Researcher).

4. Recommendation: ‘Burnout and how to complete the stress cycle. Emily and Amelia Nagoski’

5. Resource: ‘RSA Animation of Brené Brown’s Connecting with Empathy’

6. Resource: Megan Devine’s ‘How do you help a grieving friend?’ Refuge in Grief Website & Book

7. Megan Devine ‘How to handle the Advice you didn’t ask for while grieving’...and for many situations where unsolicited advice is given.

Main Index

Emotions and Emotional Agility

1. Recommendation: Resource: ‘Dr Brené Brown’s TED Talk: Listening to shame’ Empathy is the antidote to shame. We’re only human, perfectly imperfect and we, especially Caregivers, can only do the best we can. I’m right there in the arena with you.

2. Recommendation: ‘Dr. Lucy Hone’s TED Talk ‘The Three Secrets of Resilient People.’ A powerful talk that strikes a chord

3. Recommendation: Dr Susan David’s TED Talk ‘The Gift and Power of Emotional Agility.’ I recommend her talk and book to every carer I meet.

4. Recommendation: An Introduction to ‘Emotional Agility’ Resource: Susan David and Christina Congleton.

5. Recommendation: Dr Susan David's ‘Emotional Agility ’: Train ourselves to live better lives with our emotions. (December 21 2019)

6. Resource: Dr. Susan David’s Concept of ‘Stepping Out’

7. Resource: Dr Susan David ‘Walking Your Why.’ July 18, 2016. Interview with LeadersIn

8. Resource: ‘How do we teach Emotional Agility to Children’ Dr Susan David (December 21 2019) A short 6 minute video-interview.

9. Resource: ‘Wholehearted living: Avoid Toxic Positivity and Rethink our beliefs around Emotions.’ Showing up to our Emotions. Adam Grant & Susan David.

10. Resource: Emotional Agility: ‘Moving on’ with the help of Piggybacking Habits. Values aligned action-habits. Dr Susan David, Charles Duhigg and James Clear.

11. Resource: Nathan Lozeron’s Animated Summary of ‘Emotional Agility.’ Animation published Jan 24, 2019 on YouTube.

12. Resource: ‘Decoding Emotions and Experiences’ Emotional Granularity. Enablers from Dr. Susan David and Dr Brené Brown.

13. Resource: ‘In the moment-Emotional Agility in Action.’ An approach that helps me navigate forward through uncertainty.

14. Recommendation: Emotional Granularity: Why I Recommend ‘Atlas of the Heart.’ Dr Brené Brown’s book. Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

Main Index

Misconceptions about Emotions

1. ‘How can I feel happier or more grateful?’ Enemies of gratitude and how to cultivate a habit to feel happier and more grateful.

2. ‘Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’ Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.

3. Part 1: ‘Misconceptions of Emotions. The Myths and Biases.’ Decoding Emotions: insights and resources

4. Part 2 ‘Misconceptions of Emotions: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox. Decoding emotions. Insights and resources

5. ‘Here’s what we get wrong about the 5 Stages of Grief.’

Main Index

How Emotions are Made

1. ‘How are Emotions Made?’ An Introduction to Neuroscientist Professor Lisa Feldmann Barrett.

2. ’How do we construct emotions?’ 3 videos by Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett. (Part 1)

3. ‘Why are Brain predictions important?’ A caregiver’s telepathy and burden—putting predictions into a context. (Part 2)

4. ‘What influences Brain predictions?’ and how can we build better predictions? Solving for unpredictability as a caregiver. (Part 3)

5. ‘An architect of my emotions?’ Agency and curiosity & how we can rewire our brains for better predictions. (Part 4)

6. ‘What is social reality?’ What social constructs frame our lives and influence us? (Part 5)

7. Recommendation: ‘Where do feelings come from’ Shankar Vedantam’s Hidden Brain podcast interview with Lisa Feldman Barrett

Main Index

A Growth Mindset

1. Embracing the power of ‘Not yet’ Professor Carol Dweck: ‘Developing A Growth Mindset’.

2. The Winter Season of ‘Letters from a Caregiver.’ Life’s Tapestry: the nuances, choices, and caregiving despite the fear.

3. Resource: ‘Wholehearted living: Avoid Toxic Positivity and Rethink our beliefs around Emotions.’ Showing up to our Emotions. Adam Grant & Susan David.

Main Index

Resilience

1. Recommendation: ‘Dr. Lucy Hone’s TED Talk ‘The Three Secrets of Resilient People.’ A powerful talk that strikes a chord

2. Recommendation: ‘Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy five-stage path.’ Shankar Vedantam interviews Lucy Hone (Public Health Resilience Researcher).

Main Index

Building your Values Compass

1. Poem: ‘Mirror Questions. Who defines who?’

2. ‘How can articulating core values help us?’ Part 1: A life compass in uncertainty.

3. ‘How do I articulate my core values?’ Part 2: Finding Your ‘Values’, words and phrases.

4. ‘How to prioritise values to live them’ Part 3: Bringing values to life, through a caregivers lens

5. James Rhee: ‘The value of kindness at work’ (February 13, 2022)

6. James Rhee: ‘red helicopter: a parable for our times: lead change with kindness (plus a little math).’ An example of ‘walking your why.’

Main Index

Walking Your Why

1. Resource: Dr Susan David ‘Walking Your Why.’ July 18, 2016. Interview with LeadersIn

2. ‘Reflections about Walking your Why’ A Caregiver Value Compass in Action.

3. ‘Walking my why’ Advocating for others.

4. ‘Mind the gap. Build a Bridge’ Building Awareness. Mindfully showing up for others.

5. Walking your Why: Mind the Gap recap!’ Checkpoints and a Cool Tool!

6. Brain Rest A short reflection and resources.

7. ‘Walking the Talk.’ October 2023 I wrote this poem ‘One Carer’s Purpose.’

Main Index

The Language of Caregivers

1. ‘The language of being human’ by Poet Ali. Do you speak Caregiving?

2. ‘Are you fluent in ‘Caregiver?’‘ Conversational language tips from people in the know.

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Connecting with empathy and inspiration is at the heart of Carer Mentor’s mission.

Table of Contents

1. An Introduction to My 2026 List of ‘Annual ReReads’

2. Carer Mentor’s Ten Annual Re-Reads

3. The current twenty-five books which are competing for a Top Ten listing

4. Caregiving Reference Books (2024)

5. Dementia Book Recommendations (2025)

6. Carer Mentor articles about these books

I hope this offers you some new ideas and inspiration, for your reading in 2026!

1. An Introduction to My 2026 List of ‘Annual ReReads’

These are my Top Ten books I read each year. I started the list in 2017. I review and revise it every December based on what I’ve read that year. Many books compete for a spot in the top ten.

So this list is based on what I’ve read in 2025. But this is more than just a list.

Some books have stayed in my Top Ten since I first read them. Every year, I learn something new with each read, because my mindset and personal lens change. I may concentrate on a different part or draw different interpretations from the text.

The list marks a shift in my journey. Before 2015, ninety percent of my reading focused on advancing my business knowledge and leadership skills. I’ve kept a reference list of all those books, but they’re no longer my priority.

The Top Ten books now have a broader life context.

Re-accessing insights and checking out what I learnt before requires an organised system. I use Notion to interlink book references and lists.

Music, songs, and classical pieces serve as the vertebrae that keep me upright or moving.1

Books, scientific evidence, and articles help me stretch my mindset and expand my views. It’s how I build the mental-muscle strength I need to be agile and creative in my responses to life.

These are some of the reasons why I value my Top Ten list so much. It’s helped me navigate some of the most challenging times of caregiving, especially the shift from my ‘big’ corporate job to being a caregiver. Curiosity and creativity are life skills!

• Do you have a Top Ten list?

• Do you re-read any books?

• What’s shifted the second or third time?

Leave a comment

Table of Contents

2. CarerMentor’s Ten Annual Re-Reads

Caregiving is still my highest priority, but I also thrive from learning and growing my ideas. My 2026 Top 10 Reread list is for comfort, validation, motivation, and new inspiration.

The top two books have remained the same for several years. New additions are highlighted in bold.

There are three new books in the Top Ten, a significant change compared to previous years.

1. Man’s Search for Meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust. Viktor E Frankl. Published 1946.

Viktor E. Frankl was a professor of neurology and psychiatry at the University of Vienna Medical School until his death in 1997. He was the founder of what has come to be called the Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy (after Freud's psychoanalysis and Adler's individual psychology)—the school of logotherapy.

2. Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life. Susan David. Published August 3, 2017

   I wrote a series of articles about Emotional Agility in 2024

3. No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh. Published March 2, 2015

4. Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age. Bruce Feiler. Published July 14, 2020. Here’s the article I wrote.

5. It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. Megan Devine.

   Resource: Megan Devine's 'How do you help a grieving friend?' Refuge in Grief Website & Book

6. Who Cares: The Hidden Crisis of Caregiving, and How We Solve It. Emily Kenway. Published April 27, 2023. Forensically referenced, this book was a cathartic read.

   *FINALIST FOR THE ORWELL PRIZE FOR POLITICAL WRITING 2023*

   Introduction to Emily Kenway’s Book and her interview with Amanpour & Co (CNN)

7. A Manual for Being Human. Sophie Mort. Published July 8, 2021

   I wrote about Dr Sophie Mort’s book here

8. Strong Ground: The Lessons of Daring Leadership, the Tenacity of Paradox and the Wisdom of the Human Spirit. By Brené Brown. Published 23 September, 2025

9. How Emotions are Made. The Secret Life of the Brain. Lisa Feldman Barrett. Published March 23, 2017. I wrote several articles about Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work.

10. Awe: The Transformative Power of Everyday Wonder. Dacher Keltner. Published January 4, 2024

Table of Contents

3. The Current Twenty-Five books competing for a Top Ten spot in 2026

The last six books on this list may be recategorised to my ‘Reference’ list. They used to be in more active use, but not anymore.

In addition, waiting in the wings is a long list of books, ‘To Be Read (TBR).’ I’ve added five new books to this list (and I've also extended it!).

1. Braving The Wilderness. The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Brené Brown. Published September 12, 2017

2. The Choice: A true story of hope. Edith Eger Published August 16 2018

   In 1944, sixteen-year-old ballerina Edith Eger was sent to Auschwitz. Separated from her parents on arrival, she endures unimaginable experiences, including being made to dance for the infamous Josef Mengele. When the camp is finally liberated, she is pulled from a pile of bodies, barely alive.
   The horrors of the Holocaust didn't break Edith. In fact, they helped her learn to live again with a life-affirming strength and a truly remarkable resilience.

3. The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living. Russ Harris. Published January 1, 2007

   I wrote a couple of articles and linked to Russ Harris’ website here.

4. How Will You Measure Your Life? Clayton M Christensen. Published May 10, 2012

5. Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. Lisa Feldman Barrett. Published March 4 2021.

   In seven short chapters (plus a brief history of how the brain evolved), this slim, entertaining, and accessible book reveals mind-expanding lessons from the front lines of neuroscience research. You’ll learn where brains came from, how they’re structured (and why it matters), and how yours works in tandem with other brains to create everything you experience. Along the way, you’ll also learn to dismiss popular myths such as the idea of a 'lizard brain' and the alleged battle between thoughts and emotions, or even between nature and nurture, to determine your behaviour.

6. The Gifts of Imperfection. Be You. Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Brené Brown. Published November 30, 2010.

7. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Lori Gottleib Published April 2 2019

8. Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Julie Smith. January 6, 2022

9. The Reality Slap 2nd Edition: How to survive and thrive when life hits hard. Russ Harris. Published March 25, 2021

10. Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science Of Human Goodness. Jamil Zaki. Published September 5, 2024

11. Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions so They Don’t Manage You. Ethan Kross. Published February 4, 2025

12. Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life. Jill Bolte Taylor. Published May 11, 2021

13. Resilient Grieving, Second Edition: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss (Second Edition) Lucy Hone. June 25, 2024

14. The Artists Way. Julia Cameron Published November 5, 2020

15. The Squiggly Career. Ditch the Ladder, Discover Opportunity, Design Your Career. Helen Tupper, Sarah Ellis. Published January 09, 2020

16. Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential. 6th edition. Carol Dweck. Published 12 Jan 2017

17. The Power of Geography. Ten Maps that Reveal the Future of Our World – the sequel to Prisoners of Geography. Tim Marshall New Edition April 2025

18. Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know by Adam M. Grant. Published February 2, 2021

19. Daring Greatly. Be All In. How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Brené Brown, 2013

20. Out of the Maze: A Simple Way to Change Your Thinking & Unlock Success. Spencer Johnson. Published November 13 2018

21. You Coach You: How to Overcome Challenges and Take Control of Your Career. Helen Tupper, Sarah Ellis. Published January 13, 2022

22. Peak Mind: Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Minutes a Day. Amishi Jha. Published October 19, 2021

23. Building a Second Brain: A Proven Method to Organize Your Digital Life and Unlock Your Creative Potential. Tiago Forte. Published June 14, 2022

24. Atomic Habits. Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results. James Clear. October 18, 2018

25. Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience that Frees Us from Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change By Kyra Bobinet. Published 13 June 2024.

Table of Contents

4. Caregiving Reference Books (2024)

These are the books I recommend to others.

There are a couple of care-related books in my To Be Read list.

1. The Complete Eldercare Planner, Revised and Updated 4th Edition: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help. Joy Loverde. Published 24 October, 2023

2. The Selfish Pig's Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone. By Hugh Marriott. Every UK Carer I talk to recommends this book. There are many memoirs about being a Carer, but this is the go-to reference book for feeling sane, human, and seen.

3. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. By Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. Also, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. By Kristin Neff. Self Compassion By Kristin Neff. They have a wealth of resources on the website, which are offered freely. I used their guided meditations many times. There is a specific meditation and focus on caregivers here.

4. Palliative and End of Life Care in Nursing. By Jane Nicol and Brian Nyatanga. As we are expected to muddle through, I sought out this book. Paid carers or nurses are trained and have resources to leverage. Unpaid carers have no training and limited ‘tools’ and learn by doing through crises.

5. I recommend exploring the resources curated by

Table of Contents

5. Dementia Book Recommendations (2025)

Table of Contents

6. Carer Mentor Articles about these books:

I hope this inspires you to read one of these books, especially something from the Top Ten list!

Please press your heart ‘❤️’ to like this and guide others here.

Warm wishes to you and your loved ones.

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This is part of a new series, “Curious to Thrive,” aimed at enabling each of us to find our bespoke version of thriving.

In the first article, I introduced you to the habenula, its functions, and the work of Kyra Bobinet: “Meet Your Habenula: Your Motivation ‘Kill Switch’. The Tiny Brain Circuit With a Big Impact.”

Now we have stronger hypotheses about why our inner critic voices get louder with fear, dread, and angst over time, and why it may require greater energy and adaptations to keep ourselves motivated, especially as caregivers.

I’ve translated what I’ve learnt into some practical ideas we can use to work with, not against, our brain’s motivation system. It’s a menu of ideas to help us reframe or slightly change how we do things —not a definitive list, just some starter ideas.

At the end of this article, you’ll be aware of Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool and have 30 tiny experiment ideas to try out. I hope these help. I’d love to hear about your tiny experiments and how you’ve adapted them to your routine; made them your own.

Here’s our little habenula!1 that’s trying hard to help us, but making things more difficult.

A brief reminder:

Knowing that our brain is running an anti‑reward system in the background can help us understand why ordinary tasks can feel like wading through wet concrete. It is not that love or commitment has faded; it may be because our nervous system has been taught by repetition to brace for failure.2 The habenula is trying to protect us from more hurt and pain.

We can try small experiments and practices as a salve for that circuit. Stimulate our brains with positive reinforcement learning.

This is not about adding anything onto our caregiving plate. It’s about looking at the plate differently, and reframing how we treat ourselves and our approach to caregiving.

When you’re trying hard to push and motivate yourself but find yourself slowing down with fear or other negative feelings, your habenula is probably putting the brakes on!

Hopefully, trying out some small, iterative experiments will help release the habenula brake.

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Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool ‘ITERATES’

In her book, Bobinet3 describes how she discovered the ‘MacGyvers’:

“I was keenly curious about people who seemed to transcend all the barriers that public health has identified: social determinants of health, health disparities, food deserts, single parenting, senior caregiving, socioeconomic challenges. What was it that set them apart? What were they doing differently than so many others?

Around the same time, in my teaching at Stanford School of Medicine, my colleague Dr. Larry Chu had put together a panel of expert patients who had revealed an incredible ability to manage their afflictions, be it cancer, severe arthritis, IBD, or heart disease. Noticing a similar trajectory among the retail associates, I began studying, with a blank slate, what they had in common.”

In short, she found out these ‘MacGyvers’

• Instead of setting rigid goals, they experiment—asking "Let's see if this works" rather than treating actions as pass-or-fail tests.

• They practise new behaviours, such as learning a skill and observing what happened without harsh judgment.

• When something doesn't work, they iterate: tweaking and adapting their approach in small ways until they find what fits.

Bobinet and her team called this MacGyverism: the Iterative Mindset—people are iterative—continuously improving—in their approach, instead of performative.

This aligns with what I know about

• Lean processes that are used in research, development, and production, which focus on continuous improvement; seeking dynamic gains rather than static efficiencies.

• Professor Carol Dweck's research about the power of a "growth mindset,": contrary to a "fixed mindset," which assumes that abilities are static, a growth mindset fosters resilience, openness to new experiences, and a willingness to take risks. It comes from shifting perceptions of personal traits. People with a growth mindset are less interested in appraising supposedly unchanging characteristics—IQ, musical aptitude, physical gifts, etc.—and more interested in how skills can be cultivated and improved through practice.

This will all sound very familiar to caregivers, especially those of us who’ve been caring for a long time. We build a practice of agility, adapting, trying to find solutions with what we have to hand, using the energy and time available.

Instead of defining specific instructions and a cookie-cutter answer, Bobinet suggests this brainstorming tool, a heuristic4, to generate ideas: “ITERATES.”

Whether you’re a practised ‘MacGyver’ caregiver or not, these prompts can stimulate your ideas about how to approach something differently.

1. I – Inspiration: Motivational mantras / reframes that protect from failure

2. T – Time: Frequency, duration, repetition, timing, habit stacking

3. E – Environment: Making it easier to do the positive thing, harder to do the negative thing

4. R – Reduce: Difficulty, intensity, complexity, cost, peer pressure, temptation

5. A – Add: Abundance, ease, variety, social support

6. T – Togetherness: Do with others, join groups, invite peers

7. E – Environment: Making it easier to do the positive thing, harder to do the negative thing

8. S – Swaps: Healthier substitutions, similar sensations/emotions, feasible changes

You can read more details about these in her book: Kyra Bobinet’s book, “Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience that Frees Us from Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change” (Published 19 March 2024)

Working With Your Habenula as a Caregiver

After watching the TED Talk and reading more about the habenula, I used Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool ‘ITERATES’ to create 30 ideas that we can use to soften the habenula’s impact.

Simple ideas to stimulate a little curiosity and provide you with a starting point.

Remember, we want to iterate, not for perfection, but for small gains and wins, build our psychological safety, and practice curiosity.

1. Name one tiny win each day. Before bed, write or say one thing that went slightly better than expected, however small. Put a ‘One tiny win’ as a post-it reminder by your bed or a notification on your phone.

2. Anchor yourself with one daily question. For example: “What eased something, even 1%, today?” Answering this in a notebook or on your phone nudges your brain to search for micro-improvements, not just what went wrong. You now have a list of ‘ease-ers’

3. Shrink the time frame. Ask, “What’s one small thing I can do in the next 5 minutes to ease things?” rather than trying to fix the whole day, week, or future.

4. Practice “better than nothing” thinking. When you only manage half of what you hoped, deliberately label it as “better than nothing” instead of “not good enough.” This helps the habenula log partial success rather than total failure. For example, you cleaned the shower, not the whole bathroom.

5. Use ‘encouragement reminders’ when your motivation is low. Set up a ping notification of ‘You’re doing your best, you’re not alone’

6. Mark completions out loud. After a hard task, quietly say, “That was difficult, and I did it.” Your brain needs to register success, not only strain.

7. Keep a ‘help tips’ menu. Create a list of small things that help a little each time: a particular song, a warm washcloth, a favourite snack, a short walk, a silly TV clip. It’s the act of noticing the ‘good things’ in the moment that helps rewire the habenula. Its negative feedback loop requires only a tiny negative feed to switch off motivation. Use the tips list when you’re stuck. Choose from the menu rather than starting from scratch.

8. Use visual cues for progress. Keep a small jar and drop in a bead, paperclip, or folded note each time you get through a tough routine. Mix it up into a colourful artwork! Watching it fill up counterbalances the brain’s tendency to notice only what went wrong.

9. Turn “failure” into information. Instead of “I failed,” try this phrase: “That approach didn’t work in this situation. Now I know more than I did yesterday.”

10. Say, “This is hard and I’m learning.” When something goes badly, pair the difficulty with learning: “Today was brutal, and I learned that mornings are better for trying that routine.” This tells the habenula that the pain is buying information, not just defeat.

11. Call new ideas “experiments “I’m trying an experiment with Dad’s evening routine”, sounds gentler than “I’ve got to get this right.” Experiments are allowed to be messy, iterative and progressive!

12. Gently challenge all-or-nothing thoughts. When “I can’t fix this” or “I can’t prevent this” shows up, answer with, “I can’t fix everything, but I can ease something today.”

13. Use “today, not forever” language When your mind jumps to “It will always be like this,” gently answer, “This is how it is today.” Anchoring in today reduces the sense of endless struggle or projecting into future scenarios. This is a big one because our brains are natural prediction and time travel machines. I use my five senses to re-anchor myself into the here and now moment.

14. Use “for now” decisions. When you feel trapped between bad options, say, “This is the best choice I can make based on what I know for now.” This stops your brain from treating one decision as a permanent, all-or-nothing test.

15. Make ‘Should’ a swear word. Remove expectations to focus on what’s possible in your set of circumstances, not try to impose a socially conditioned set of judgments.

16. Use kinder language for hard moments. Swap “disaster” or “I messed everything up” or “I’m useless” for “That was a really hard moment” or “I know I’m trying and doing my best” or “That didn’t go how I hoped.” (and try to ignore thoughts about what ‘so and so’ would say/do differently. You’re the one here doing your best!)

17. Protect a few tiny zones of control. Maybe it is how you arrange the pill box, the mug you use in the morning, or the playlist you play while changing sheets. These anchors remind your brain that not everything is out of control.

18. Name what is outside your control. Write down what you truly cannot change (disease progression, waiting times, other people’s reactions). Seeing it on paper can reduce self-blame and stop the habenula from treating every bad outcome as your personal failure.

19. Decide where ‘good enough’ is truly enough. Pick areas where you will not aim for perfection (dusting, perfectly folded laundry). Fewer impossible standards mean fewer chances to label the day a “failure.” It’s also a way to set boundaries.

20. Practice compassionate self-talk. When you feel you are “not coping,” try: “Anyone in my situation would find this hard. I am doing the best I can with what I have today.”

21. Practice “one kinder thought.” When you catch a harsh self-judgment (“I’m useless at this”), gently add, “AND…” followed by something truer and kinder (“…I’m still here, showing up every day”). This softens the impact without forcing fake positivity.

22. Schedule one small pleasure most days: A favourite biscuit with tea, 10 minutes journaling, a short walk, a warm shower with music. Predictable small joys give the brain reasons to keep showing up.

23. Name the pattern, not your character. Shift from “I always mess this up” to “This is a tricky time of day for both of us.” It moves the blame from your identity to a pattern you can work with. Remember to distinguish between shame and guilt.5

24. Start a ‘self-congratulations list’. Your ‘gold stars’: your loved one’s relaxed expression, when you avoided snapping and used a softer tone of voice, a “thank you,” a crisis avoided, hand-holding or other precious loving moments. Re-read them on the days your brain insists, “None of this makes any difference.”

25. Make a sensory memory-snapshot to recall later. Take a few minutes to use each of your five senses in turn, to capture the moment and label the memory “This is what good looks like when…” for sensory recall later.

26. Share the story with someone who “gets it.” Telling another carer, “My brain keeps saying ‘I’m failing, I’m not doing anything well’” Hearing, “I get it,” can interrupt the isolation that magnifies the habenula’s voice. Being witnessed turns private “failure” into a shared human reality.

27. Countdowns for stuck moments. When frozen, count down quietly from 5, then take only the first step (stand up, pick up the phone, open the form). Micro-initiations give your brain a small “I moved” win.

28. Use music as a state shifter. Build a short playlist for “getting going,” another for “winding down,” and one for “crying safely.” Music can guide your nervous system from shutdown towards movement or release. This rewires from ‘stuck or failed’ to ‘I can handle the tough times.’ This is one I use all the time! Here are some playlists to get you started

29. Give your inner critic a nickname. When the voice saying “You idiot?” pipes up, address it as a character. Naming it creates a bit of distance and makes its verdicts feel less like facts. “Mr Inspector…thank you, but the reality is I’m tired and only human…let’s stick to small wins please”

30. Connect your efforts to your values, not outcomes

    When results are uncertain, remind yourself of your values. This shifts you away from a performance scorecard, tickboxing “Did I fix it?” to “Did I act in the way that matters to me?”, which the habenula finds less punishing. This is one I’ll be writing more about with resources and tips.

Discussion and experimentation

Save this article so you can pick and choose from this menu of ideas anytime.

Is there one idea that resonates the most with you?

Try an idea and see how you feel. It doesn’t have to be exact or perfect. Personalise it to your preferences, personality and routine.

Let me know in the comments how you get on with your small experiment, or write an article and share it below.

I’ll be sharing more ideas in our Community Hub on Saturday, 24th January.

Take comfort and remember…

You are not weak when motivation fades. Often, it could be this tiny brain system trying to protect you from more hurt.

When your angst or fear increases, your brain has likely activated your habenula in anticipation of a negative experience. Drawing on some of these ideas, we can cultivate positive intentions and redefine success.

Watch out for the next article in this Curious to Thrive series.

Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

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The Background Premise to this article.

I’ve been feeling my way through several questions and reflections. I’ll be sharing these in this new Carer Mentor series of articles, ”Curious to Thrive.”

One question I shared as part of Day 1 of The Isolation Journals 30-day New Year’s Project (Thank you, , and ):

“How do we live with uncertainty, angst and fear but not be caged by it when…..”

The ‘We’ is a vital keyword because for caregivers it’s not only about figuring out how to navigate our own emotions, but about supporting, coaching, considering, …., our loved ones’ feelings, needs, and wishes.

The ‘when’ is important because it’s not only about those obvious times when there’s a health issue, accident or emergency. It’s also when we (the caregiver alone or with our care recipient) have to decide to do something beyond the everyday norm or care routine. How far does the elasticity of our calm stretch from our comfort zone, or from our home environment? How do we assimilate the tension of making the decision as the caregiver?

And, of course, the question contains elements of personal identity and values. Yep, just the everyday existential stuff that can start to impede your brain function at the end of the year, and leads you to justify the extra mince pie or glass of wine to stop the swirl!

In the quest for answers, the science researcher in me discovered the habenula. Several things clicked into place. It’s not a complete eureka answer (I think we all know there’s no such thing.) It’s more evidence-based neuroscience for consideration.

The evidence points to why our inner critic gets louder with fear, dread, and angst, and why we need to practice being adaptive, iterative and agile to stay motivated, especially as a caregiver

Say hello to your little habenula!1

Meet Your Habenula: Your Motivation ‘Kill Switch’. The Tiny Brain Circuit With a Big Impact.

An introduction to your habenula.

The habenula rarely gets a mention in the January self‑improvement season, but it quietly runs the show when resolutions start to wobble.2

The habenula3 is an evolutionarily ancient cluster of neurons in the epithalamus region of the brain. It’s a tiny structure that acts like an early‑warning system for disappointment, switching down motivation when it predicts more pain than reward.

Someone going to the gym might feel this as a sharp dip in drive after a few missed sessions or slower‑than‑hoped progress: the habenula “notes” the gap between effort and visible results and quietly suggests, “Why bother?” So, the fitness resolution wobbles, and people stop going to the gym or the new diet get’s dropped.

For Carers, realising that our brain is running an anti‑reward system in the background can help us understand why ordinary tasks can feel like wading through wet concrete. It is not that love or commitment has faded; it may be because our nervous system has been taught by repetition to brace for failure. Our fear of failure can escalate. Our self-compassion can wane in the shadow of self-judgment.

Over time, the ‘dread factor’ can feel heavier. A problem can seem bigger, or we may feel we need much more energy to address it, compared to the early days of caregiving. Does that ring true for you?

Our little ‘motivation kill switch’ is learning from every crisis, issue, and emergency, as well as our frustrations and self-judgements. The habenula is trying to protect us from more hurt and pain; trying to stop us from repeating what doesn’t feel good.

By learning more about the habenula, we can adopt more intentional practices to encourage ourselves and reframe failure. We can begin treating our small wins and moments of “good enough care” as a salve for that circuit. We can create reminders that not every effort ends in hurt and that there are still reasons for our brains to let us keep showing up.

Learning and doing

This is part of a new series, “Curious to Thrive,” aimed at enabling each of us to find our bespoke version of thriving.

By the end of this article, you’ll be familiar with the habenula, its functions, and Kyra Bobinet's work.

In the next article, I’m translating these insights into actions by sharing 30 examples: realistic, simple ways that we can work with, not against, our brain’s motivation system to keep going AND feel more fulfilled.

When you’re trying hard to push and motivate yourself but find yourself slowing down with fear or other negative feelings, your habenula is probably putting the brakes on!

Hopefully, trying out some small, iterative experiments will release the habenula brake.

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The Secret to an Unstoppable Brain by Kyra Bobinet

June 23, 2025 TEDxSantaCruz. The TED Talk that triggered me to research more about the habenula

Kyra Bobinet’s book, “Unstoppable Brain: The New Neuroscience that Frees Us from Failure, Eases Our Stress, and Creates Lasting Change” (Published 19 March 2024)

What is the habenula and why does it matter?

• The habenula is a tiny but influential brain structure that is central to the brain’s “anti‑reward” system.

• It learns from disappointment and can shut down effort when it predicts more pain than reward.

• It helps the brain monitor outcomes, especially when things go worse than expected, and it strongly shapes motivation, learning, and persistence.

The core functions of the habenula

• The primary function of the habenula is to signal when a predicted/expected reward fails to arrive, or when a negative outcome occurs. It essentially serves as the brain’s “anti-reward” system, detecting failure.

  It’s a negative feedback loop: when something goes wrong, or an expected positive result fails to materialise, the habenula becomes highly active.

• Dopamine Regulation: the habenula communicates with the brain's main reward centres, primarily by inhibiting the release of dopamine4. This reduction in dopamine signals that the current action or situation is "bad" and needs to stop or be avoided in the future

• A Motivation “kill switch”. Since the habenula can reduce activity in reward pathways, an overactive habenula is described as a “motivation kill switch”. It’s linked to giving up, procrastination, and loss of drive.

• A Habit and behaviour change. The habenula tracks patterns of repeated failure or negative outcomes. If it “learns” that an action leads to disappointment, it pushes you away from trying again, which can block the formation of new habits or change.

• Emotional tone and mood: Chronic over activation of the habenula is associated with low mood, pessimism, and depressive symptoms, because the brain becomes biased towards expecting bad outcomes.

• Habenula Research continues in the areas of neuropsychiatric disorders, depression, addiction, resilience.5

Kyra Bobinet has founded a company “Fresh Tri”.

Find out more about her company and its mission here

This description of the habenula’s survival and success modes, as described on the Fresh Tri website will be very familiar to caregivers

Survival Mode vs. Success Mode

When the habenula fires too frequently, it traps us in a state of survival mode, characterized by fear, urgency, and stress. In this mode, we might appear productive, but our brains are operating under pressure, not purpose.

Survival signals include:

• Fear of failure (“If I mess up, it’s over”)

• Constant pressure (“I have to prove myself”)

• Exhaustion or burnout (“I can’t keep this up”)

While survival mode can create short bursts of performance, it comes at a cost: burnout, anxiety, and disconnection.

By contrast, success mode is rooted in curiosity, safety, and engagement. When we feel supported and free to experiment, dopamine stays active, and the habenula stays calm. That’s when learning, creativity, and motivation thrive.

The difference between these modes is emotional safety. Feeling safe gives the brain permission to keep trying.

Emotional safety, is not something we easily feel as caregivers. Figuring ways to promote the feelings of emotional safety is essential.

Here are three practical ways to stay out of “habenula shutdown”:

1. Practice Iteration Over Perfection

Instead of expecting instant results, view each attempt as a test. Ask yourself: What did I learn? What might I tweak next time? This mindset reframes setbacks as data, not failure, keeping dopamine flowing and motivation alive.

2. Create Psychological Safety

Your brain needs to feel safe to try new things. Celebrate progress, no matter how small. Leaders, coaches, and teams who promote safety over pressure create environments where people are more resilient, creative, and engaged.

3. Follow Curiosity

Joy and curiosity are powerful antidotes to fear. When you approach habits, work, or goals with genuine interest rather than obligation, your brain stays motivated for longer.

I think it’s important to note that for some caregivers, they may be in a constant hypervigilant state, when it’s impossible to think about anything except getting through each day and surviving whatever emergency or issue that’s happened. They may not have the brain space, energy or time to consider changing anything. There are times when you can’t take more into your day or brain!

I’m hoping that by sharing this information we can raise awareness and start cultivating the practices we need for when those times emerge.

For those of us who do have a little capacity to consider trying new practices now:

• How can we put these learnings into action, more intentionally?

• How can caregivers shift from survival mode to success mode using this information?

In the next Curious to Thrive article I’ll be sharing a menu of ideas for you to try as small experiments.

I’m not an habenula expert. I just know variations of things I’ve tried while caregiving to keep myself motivated. I’m sure you’ve ideas. Let’s share them to help each other.

Circling back to my original question

“How do we live with uncertainty, angst and fear but not be caged by it when…..”

There won’t be a complete or satisfactory answer, or a panacea. I don’t expect one.

Curiously researching the habenula has given me some interesting context and reasons for why the angst and fear gets louder. We love to think we can control and manage everything but we can’t, especially while caregiving.

To avoid being caged by the uncertainty and fear, I need to keep finding new ways to reframe and rethink it…more curious noodling for sure!

I’m sure many carers will resonate with the need for lateral thinking, a can-do attitude and agility…it’s just a little tiring to think of this at the start of another new calendar year…Ahhh that’s the habenula talking again! 💡

Remember…

When you’re in the swirl of negative thoughts. judging yourself or what you do as failing— remember, you are not weak when your motivation fades. Often, it’s this tiny brain system trying to protect you from more hurt.

We’re not only experiencing the pain of watching those we love suffer, our brain’s in a survival not success mode, and it’s continuously learning about the hurt and “failure.”

When we start to apply a curious growth mindset6 to events and outcomes instead of using performative measures, and definitives like “failure” we can work with our habenula.

Look out for the next article in the Carer Mentor “Curious to Thrive” series that explores practical ideas you can put into practice, Kyra Bobinet’s brainstorming tool and more about the growth mindset.

Discussion

• Have you heard about the habenula before?

• What’s your key takeaway from this information?

• Does this resonate?

I’ll look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Let me know if you want more information and links. I’m happy to share what I’ve found so that we can build more awareness, articles and thoughts on this topic.

THE NEXT ARTICLE

I’m interested in hearing thoughts from some doctor/psychologist/therapist friends:

- I think you’ll be interested in Kyra Bobinet’s book and her thoughts on the use of psychedelics.

, , - given the location and interaction with the ‘reward system’ the habenula is implicated in depression and addiction. E.g. “Evolution of circuits regulating pleasure and happiness with the habenula in control” Anton J. M. Loonen and Svetlana A. Ivanova

, - have you come across this research?

Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Have you ever thought about your relationship with your emotions? Have you categorised or misjudged them? Are you trying to pursue happiness and failing?

Are you open to experiencing all the emotions that life has to offer?

First shared on April 24 2024, this article aligns with the current post series about misconceptions and recalibrating our expectations, especially as caregivers.

The series so far

1. Caregiving Misperceptions and Realities. What are our socially conditioned assumptions about caregiving, caregivers and respite? What can we do to support one another in our communities?

2. Disrupting Internalised Misperceptions About Caregiving This Summer. The reframe. Creating space, not frustrations, and thriving in the small moments.

3. 'Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’ Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.

4. Part 1: 'Misconceptions of Emotions. The Myths and Biases.' Decoding Emotions: insights and resources

Summary

The 2024 Emotional Agility Series highlighted the work of Dr Susan David, Dr Carol Dweck, Dr Brené Brown, Dr Adam Grant and James Rhee.

These experts offer tools to become more emotionally agile. I developed my own ‘in-the-moment process’ and ‘broader strategy’ to translate these tools into my everyday context.

Through discussions with clients and other caregivers, I realised that we can judge our emotions. We’re conditioned by society and by each other. We apologise for our pain. We tell ourselves we ‘should’1 feel grateful. Or wish emotions away.

I wanted to know ‘why we do this to ourselves’, so I investigated the science, researchers’ insights, and their implications.

In the 'Decoding Emotions series,' I explored the work of Dr Russ Harris, Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett, Dr Iris Mauss, Dr Thomas D. Gilovich, and Dr Erin Meyer. These experts' published research and insights help us unlearn and relearn what we know about emotions and our relationship with them.

You can read Part One here:

Part Two: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox

Dr Russ Harris2 3 explains three myths that trap us in our thinking about happiness.

1. The Happiness Trap.4

Transcript notes. The words of Dr Russ Harris

Popular ideas about happiness will make you miserable if you actually hold on to them too tightly believe them too much or let them dictate how you live your life and there are three big happiness myths in particular that create this happiness trap

[Timestamp 0:29] The first myth is the idea that happiness is the natural state for human beings. You know if you give human beings food, water, shelter and loving relationships they're just going to be happy naturally. You've probably heard this myth in many, many forms.

The reality is that the normal state for a human being is an ever-changing flow of emotions. Emotions are like the weather, continually changing.

You wouldn't say the natural state for the weather is a warm spring, sunny afternoon. It's natural in Winter that it's going to be colder, and in summer, it's going to be hotter, and so it is with our emotions. You expect to feel anxious in challenging situations with an uncertain outcome. You expect to feel fear when there's danger or threat present

[Timestamp 1:17] The second big happiness myth links to the first one. The idea that happiness means feeling good.

If you look at most dictionary definitions of happiness it's described as a state of pleasure or a state of contentment. If this is your notion of happiness, then there's no such thing as lasting happiness because how long does a good feeling last?

Think of the happiest day of your life. How long did a state of pleasure or contentment last before there was some frustration, disappointment, anxiety or irritation?

[Timestamp 1:48] If I were to define the word happiness I would describe it as living a rich full and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions. The things that make life rich full and meaningful don't just give us pleasant feelings.

Think about building loving relationships. Think about people that you love and care about and you spend a long time with. Do you have a relationship like that in your life that only gives rise to pleasant feelings?

[Timestamp 2:14] When relationships are going well, there are often wonderful feelings of love and joy. But all relationships come with tension, conflict, and difficulty.

If you're a parent, if you have children, then you know that having kids brings a huge amount of meaning, purpose, and fulfilment into your life but what other feelings does it give you? Now, when I ask this question to audiences at my public workshop there's a big laugh and then parents start calling out anxiety, guilt, frustration, anger rage.

It's amazing how these people we love so much can arouse such strong, painful emotions in us, and this holds true for really any meaningful life project.

[Timestamp 3:00] From building a career, from looking after your body, from building a family. The things that make life rich, full and meaningful give you plenty of painful emotions as well as some very pleasant ones.

[Timestamp 3:14] The third big myth that feeds into the other two is the idea if you're not happy you're defective. More and more, human nature is being pathologised as science there's something wrong with you and you need some medication to fix it.

The reality is that if you're not happy, your normal life is difficult. You know, I ask my public workshops: Is there anybody here who thinks life is too easy and needs some more difficulty? Is there anybody in this room who needs some more pain and suffering? You know, life is hard and challenging—not always, but a lot of the time.

Personal reflection.

When I read ‘The Happiness Trap’ and saw these videos for the first time, a lightbulb moment happened. This was the moment I realised the seismic acute activity after 2015, was me living life to the fullest, largest capacity I could.

I’ve been living life within its large pendulum swings and sometimes free fall. It’s not pleasant, but I have no regrets or wish to go back in time and change anything. It’s the journey of navigating through all the sticky, messy, joy-pain, bittersweetness of it all that makes it worth-my-while and rich.

Everything is uncertain and changing. We are not immortal, and we can’t control everything. But we can fortunately and unfortunately feel everything.

I didn’t know it then, but somewhere, I reconciled myself to the messiness because if I could be absolutely mindful, present, and heart wide open, perhaps I could flow curiously rather than struggle against what was happening. The early struggle, torment, and ‘why-ing’ were exhausting and tore at me (See Prelude to Caregiving Love and Torture or The Eldercare Rollercoaster).

This is why I researched, investigated, and sought explanations and insights. (My quirk: when the going gets tough, I read, research and investigate - growth mindset etc.! Dr Carole Dweck explains a growth mindset.)

A recent comment I made on an article5 by and keeps echoing in my mind. I repeated it here in my ‘Respite’ article.

No one tells you that it’s the unavoidable, pain-joy, mess that IS life. Instead, we’re told we need to BE HAPPY, (cue songs and clichés). What happens when we try to make ‘Happiness’ a goal in life? Here’s a snippet of expert’s knowledge about the ‘Pursuit of happiness’. (I’ll be sharing more articles on this soon)

2. The paradox of pursuing happiness

Is it possible to pursue and achieve happiness? Have people managed to achieve happiness as a goal?

Dr Susan David (2017) - The paradox of happiness is that deliberately striving for it is fundamentally incompatible with the nature of happiness itself. Real happiness comes through activities you engage in for their own sake rather than for some extrinsic reason, even when the reason is something as seemingly benevolent as the desire to be happy. Striving for happiness establishes an expectation, which confirms the saying that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. That’s why holidays and family events are often disappointing, if not downright depressing. Our expectations are so high that it’s almost inevitable we’ll be let down. 6

Dr Irene Mauss (2014) - Experiencing happiness is consistently associated with a wide range of positive outcomes, including greater well-being and better psychological health. However, it is less clear what outcomes are associated with pursuing happiness. In fact, several lines of research suggest a paradoxical effect: the more people pursue happiness, the less likely they are to experience positive outcomes, including feelings of happiness7

A last reflection

I try to avoid pursuing a feeling or focusing on the destination or end goal. After all, there is a definitive and inevitable finality in eldercare. It is the quality over quantity and how I spend my most expensive asset-time that matters most to me on this journey now. The smallest messy moments can have the deepest impact.

While the peaks and troughs define the amplitude of emotions and experiences, everything in between makes my life rich, meaningful and full of value.

Postscript:

The universe just brought me back to and Jake’s article. Heart aching. From her article ‘In defense of boring. An exciting story.’

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article & consider subscribing!

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Have you ever thought about your relationship with your emotions? Have you categorised or misjudged them? Are you trying to pursue happiness and failing?

First shared on April 24 2024, this article aligns with the current post series about misconceptions and recalibrating our expectations, especially as caregivers.

The series so far

1. Caregiving Misperceptions and Realities. What are our socially conditioned assumptions about caregiving, caregivers and respite? What can we do to support one another in our communities?

2. Disrupting Internalised Misperceptions About Caregiving This Summer. The reframe. Creating space, not frustrations, and thriving in the small moments.

3. 'Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’ Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.

Summary

The Emotional Agility Series of posts I wrote in 2024 highlighted the work of Dr Susan David, Dr Carol Dweck, Dr Brené Brown, Dr Adam Grant and James Rhee.

These experts offer tools to become more emotionally agile. I developed my own ‘in-the-moment process’ and ‘broader strategy’ to translate these tools into my everyday context.

Through discussions with clients and other caregivers, I realised that we judge our emotions. We’re conditioned by society and by each other. We apologise for our pain. We tell ourselves we should feel grateful. Or wish emotions away.

I wanted to know ‘why we do this to ourselves’, so I investigated the science, researchers’ insights, and their implications.

I explored the work of Dr Russ Harris, Dr Lisa Feldman Barrett, Dr Iris Mauss, Dr Thomas D. Gilovich, and Dr Erin Meyer. These experts' published research and insights help us unlearn and relearn what we know about emotions and our relationship with them.

Part 1 The Myth and Biases of Emotions

1. The Myth of Good and Bad Emotions

An interview about Emotional Agility between Dr Susan David and Jen Fisher (Chief Wellbeing Officer) of Deloitte US (October 12, 2022).

'How can understanding your emotions help you overcome adversity? Jen Fisher and I talk about how to face our thoughts and feelings with curiosity, use them as data, connect our emotions back to our values, and move on.'- Susan David.

[These following notes are based on the podcast interview]

[Timestamp 2:17] Emotions get a lot of bad press but they are essential. They are there to help us in 2 ways:

• help us to communicate with other people. To ask for help, support, to let people know what our needs are.

• they help us to communicate with ourselves. We often feel difficult emotions when things bat up against our values, or when we feel dissonance, or not feeling seen. Emotions are aspects of ourselves that we can use to recalibrate and bring whole selves forward effectively.

The Myth of good and bad emotions is the largest misunderstanding of emotions - that joy and happiness are good emotions and bad emotions are anger anxiety that need to be pushed aside.

This misunderstanding comes at a cost. Individuals who believe that emotions are good or bad, they start engaging in hustling with their emotions

'I shouldn't1 be feeling this bad emotion - I should be grateful for my experience'. Long term 'hustling' is associated with low levels of wellbeing, highly associated with mental distress, and high levels of being stuck. Being stuck hustling with emotions blocks you from seeing that you may need to move towards things more associated with your values.

Considering Emotional Agility in an organisation setting- those wanting e.g. innovation need to see that difficult emotions are part and parcel of being effective. Normalising failure, frustration and anger needs to be part of the creative process.

In a broader context, big changes in society are often catalysed by difficult emotions like injustice. Having the capacity to be courageous to engage with difficult emotions is how powerful change can happen.

2. The label and biases of segmenting-out emotion-led skills as ‘soft-skills’ or gendered as female.

Often, empathy, team-work and interpersonal skills are seen and labelled as ‘soft skills’. Where did this label-bias, and dichotomy of soft and hard skills come from?

1. “Historically, there has been a gendered response and labelling of emotions as 'soft skills'. This is because over hundreds of years, formal education was open only to males where only maths, science and logic was taught. The so called 'softer' subjects were relegated to outside of institutions and workplace organisations, deemed less important. There was a dichotomy - organisations focus on goals, outcomes, science and logic and emotions were sidelined.

2. In the process of psychology Freud's subconscious concepts were thought too difficult to measure In psychology. There was a wave to focus on behaviour. Turning our backs on anything that's difficult to measure. There was a systematisation of psychology towards things which were easy and measureable; behaviours.”

What this means is that 'fairly toxic organisations structures' have become focused only on measures, outputs and goals - the industrial mechanisation of human endeavours, that is bound up to the whole of the industrial revolution.

This has led to a segmenting-out of the beautiful messiness of humanity from organisations. The gorgeousness of two people coming to the table in a messy, tough conversation an being able to get something out of it and move forward was removed.

And so now for us and organisations and systems we need to become more resilient and capacious. We need to make way for these difficult emotions and understand the real importance of them in the workplace and beyond.

Future and value: when we look at our future these aspects of humanity are what differentiate us from what can be automated, they are our currency, of the future.

[Timestamp 11.01] Inner chatter is normal. Difficult emotions are normal. These emotions evolved to help us thrive and live in the world. Existence of these difficult thoughts, emotions, our stories- they’re all normal. We are constantly needing to make sense of the world through our energy, emotions.

We each have around sixteen thousand thoughts in a day! They are normal by definition. When emotions take over and we let them own us. We get hooked by the stories in our head, and this is when they cause trouble.

Emotions are data not directives. We as human beings, we call the shots, and can make value-driven choices.

From the time-stamp 14.36 Dr. Susan David discusses 'What is emotional agility?' with a focus on its use in the workplace

Short answer - capacity to be healthy with ourselves, our thoughts, emotions and the stories we have about ourselves.

Longer answer: Showing up to our emotions with gentle level of acceptance and Self-compassion. Showing up with curiosity and mindfulness so the story doesn't own you.

Emotional Agility Series

3. The Goal focused versus Value focused life.

Dr Russ Harris2 3explains the difference between focusing only on goals versus a life based on values.

A goal-oriented life versus values focused life.

Are you appreciating the journey as you head towards your goal?

Are you having a journey of frustration?

Are you appreciating the changes in the world around you?

Are you enjoying the ride, the journey along the way? Or are you impatient for the destination, the final goal?

The important distinction between a values focused life and goals focused life:

• In the values focused life we have the fulfilment and satisfaction of living our values every step of the way towards our goals,

• the satisfaction of achieving our goals,

• AND the fulfilment that comes of living our values even when we don't achieve our goals.

An interim reflection

The work of Dr Russ Harris fits neatly with that of Dr Susan David. The Values focused life ties with ‘Walking your Why’.

Let’s stop labelling skills ‘soft or hard’. It’s a disservice to essential talents. As automation and AI is on the rise we need to tap into our messy, interpersonal, self-compassionate humanity that’s not traditionally valued in society. This is where we can spark creativity and innovation.

Decoding our emotions for more effective communication with each other, and with ourselves is essential to living a healthy life individually AND as a caring community.

Part 2 'Misconceptions of Emotions: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox

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Thank you for your ongoing support.

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

First shared on May 1, 2024, this article aligns with the current post series about misconceptions and recalibrating our expectations as caregivers.

The series so far

1. Caregiving Misperceptions and Realities. What are our socially conditioned assumptions about caregiving, caregivers and respite? What can we do to support one another in our communities?

2. Disrupting Internalised Misperceptions About Caregiving This Summer. The reframe. Creating space, not frustrations, and thriving in the small moments.

The Happiness Paradox

Research conducted by Dr Iris Mauss, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, found that people who were very intent on being happy paradoxically had lower levels of well-being, higher levels of depressive symptoms, and overall, lesser happiness.

Shankar Vedantam's Hidden Brain interview with Dr Iris Mauss:

We imagine how it would feel if we got into a great school or found a great job or fell in love with a perfect person who loved us back. Sometimes, when those dreams don't work out, we are heartbroken. But even when they do work out, we often feel let down and cheated.

We achieve this difficult thing, obtain this amazing relationship, and accomplish our dreams. So, why aren’t we happier? 

There are several reasons why pursuing happiness can backfire. These are some of the key insights I noted.

The Anticlimactic Pitfall of High Expectations12

When we set a bar for our happiness, even good experiences can fall short of these standards, leading to disappointment and a big anticlimax.

Have you felt wretched when things aren't turning out how you hoped? Or wonder why you're not happier after bagging a bonus you've worked so hard to get?

Have you ever orchestrated a perfect moment for a loved one as a milestone or landmark event, only to feel tragically unhappy or frustrated during the whole thing?

Dr Iris Mauss highlights a study conducted around the New Year's Eve 2000 celebrations. It found that the more enjoyment participants expected, the more disappointed they were.

Perhaps more focus on now, being in the moment is better for us.

The Self-Check Trap

Continuously evaluating our 'state of happiness' can disrupt the actual experience of joy.3

Dr Iris Mauss: Checking how happy we are is bound up with thinking that happiness is an important thing to have.…the moment I checked in on how happy I am, how is this going, that's when I realised actually I'm not quite as happy as I hope to be.

.. the relationship between what's called hedonic experiences and meta-consciousness is an overlay of being self-consciously aware of how we are feeling.

One domain of research where this has been examined is in the research of flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi4. He and colleagues have shown that when people are in a state of flow, they report later on being incredibly happy. It's a state of deep happiness, but what's important is that it's also characterised by being completely unaware of the self. It means that the self almost feels like it's dissolved during these states of flow, and in fact, it's interrupted and destroyed when you check in with yourself and ask, "How am I feeling now?

John Stuart Mill, 5once noticed. "Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so." That's saying exactly what you are suggesting, Iris, which is that the act of turning that spotlight inward and asking, "Am I happy", even when you are happy, it tends to have the effect of diminishing the experience of happiness.

A focus on our personal happiness can disconnect us from our community.6

The pursuit of personal happiness can sometimes come at the expense of connecting with others. This can lead to a sense of disconnect and loneliness. Mauss's research found that collectivist societies placing a high value on happiness are associated with higher levels of well-being.

What we found is that the more socially people interpret the value of happiness, the more that valuing happiness was associated with higher levels of well-being.

Trying to escape unhappiness compounds the feelings of distress 7.89

Many try to escape unhappiness. However, feeling distressed about being distressed, adds a meta-layer of suffering on top of the initial angst. Research suggests that trying to suppress or ignore these negative emotions can negatively affect our relationships with others.

Trying to out think our emotions, judging them or trying to avoid them, amplifies them. Emotions are our human radar system deciphering the signals can enable us to choose how we want to respond and move forward.

[The Myth of good and bad emotions is the largest misunderstanding of emotions - that joy and happiness are good emotions and bad emotions are anger anxiety that need to be pushed aside. An interview about Emotional Agility between Dr Susan David and Jen Fisher (Chief Wellbeing Officer) of Deloitte US (October 12, 2022).]

If pursuing happiness undermines our well being how can we be happy?

My personal reflections with a focus on Eldercare/caregiving.

Defining needs and success, not happiness.

Happiness is not a goal in eldercare. In the early days of caregiving I thought I could ‘optimise’ things, be more ‘efficient’ or ‘productive’, ‘cater to every need’ and ‘be a perfect caregiver’ ‘protect, champion, and pre-empt Dad’s every need’. So he could at least feel better.

For a high achiever, this was my natural expectation, but over time my focus shifted.

I evolved and adapted with the times and context. I bent to our collective needs because I could10. We prioritised what mattered most FOR ALL of us.

I found ways to have me-time, and sustain my own sense of identity. This is essential.

Modern society is geared more towards productivity or economics and less to care (for ourselves AND others). It’s an exhausting mathematical standard, to multiply or balance.

In our case I realised it put undue pressure on Dad having to ‘perform’, participate and literally smile for the camera to balance our equations, especially on his birthday.

Dad would put on his good jumper, wanted us to find his camera, and was trying to prime himself for an event. Most of the time he slouched back, surrendering to, and being absorbed by the recliner. He’d nod with fatigue. Then on cue, he’d push up, crank up energy to be alert, plastering a smile on his face. Camera click. Candle blown, shoulders back smile. Click. Dissolve back into the chair.

I don’t watch that video. I have volumes of photos taken as I sat-vigil, bathed in Candy-crush disco light. A small, silent secret moment captured, over and over and over the years. I don’t need them because the thinly veiled scar still itches my tattooed heart.

The photos and video will eventually matter but right now the memory of the simple, small celebration is enough and enough was our success.

Success was to complete Dad’s wish to share the photo via email to family. For himself, all he was really wanting was to snooze a bit, shower and watch NCIS with a bit of supper and a small dram of whiskey to mark the day.

The simple message I wanted to share is to rethink your benchmark of success, slowly discuss and explore your thoughts together. You may be surprised at how simple needs become. Never assume what’s in your head is what’s expected or needed.

Friends of caregivers and their loved ones, please consider openly discussing/asking how you can fit into their care routine/plans. The key is to never secretly plan or expect us to fit to your ‘idea’ and then be disappointed when we’re not grateful.

The family and friends who don’t place expectations, demands, or impose their solutions are the diamonds, rare and to be treasured.

I intentionally try to let go of expectations and breath into the present day, mindfulness moments. I try to be open to possibilities without judgment. This includes being okay with unfinished tasks. Can you be ok with something left hanging?

Despite this paradox of happiness, if you can have the courage to stare into the uncertain caregiving days with love, you may just discover, moments of intense joy along the way. An unexpected bittersweet paradox.

Reconciling with messy.

In the darkest, toughest moments when I didn't think I had any more energy or emotional capacity, I experienced acute joy. Not happiness. It's not a pleasant feeling and can hurt badly. Within the pin-sharp pain is meaning, filling me, connecting us-past, present and future. Even in the grief.

This is how Karen Walrond defines the difference between Happiness and Joy at the start of Chapter 2 in her book 'A Lightmakers Manifesto: How to Work for Change without Losing Your Joy'

Happiness is a fleeting, pleasurable emotion caused by external circumstances. You’re happy when someone remembers your birthday. Or when the barista puts extra whipped cream on your hot chocolate. Or when it’s payday. Happiness occurs in the moment, as an immediate reaction to an event, and it can fade just as quickly away. Happiness is transient.

Joy, on the other hand, is something more profound and long-lasting. Often, joy finds itself rooted in much deeper things, like meaning and purpose. And joy can, paradoxically, arise directly out of sadness and pain and loss.

This resonates deeply. A definition not about a pleasurable reaction but about how we hold meaning and connection.

Perhaps the question is not why are we not happier, but how can we appreciate the joyful moments to their fullest meaning, when we are afforded the opportunity.

Dr Russ Harris defines happiness as this11:

Being open to everything we’re going through, scary and as unpredictable as it can be. This is how I’ve discovered the most valuable moments during our caregiver journey so far. I may not feel it in the moment, but for me, on reflection I see it now.

A big beautiful exhale of common humanity.

P.S. I realised that for many of us it may be hard to even contemplate being in the present moment. Here’s an additional resource which I hope can help.

Thich Nhat Hanh12 answers questions during a retreat in Plum Village (May, 2014). Question: How do I stay in the present moment when it feels unbearable?

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Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.

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Thank you for reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration. You can read about why I’m publishing this website start here. Perhaps you’re wondering how my caregiving started: ‘Prelude to Caregiving Love and Torture.’

In last week’s article Caregiving Misperceptions and Realities. I shared thoughts, which had been brewing, especially during Carers Week. It’s never easy to stack these misperceptions altogether. Calling out the impact of care-splaining is hard because I recognise the goodwill behind it. Highlighting the focus on productivity to measure healthcare is the bigger heart-sink. How can this mismatch of intentions (transactional vs relational) possibly change? (Some governments were trying new approaches, but the impetus and focus for change have changed in recent years!?1 )

It’s also tricky because every caregiver’s situation is unique. While we can easily relate to each other’s situations, I’m aware of the risk of overgeneralising. Circumstances shift, the care routine and individual approaches change, and we change as a consequence. How could I possibly or adequately represent and advocate for what every caregiver goes through when their kaleidoscope is unique and it keeps turning?

The answer? Not to try to speak to every situation all at once! I get stuck in that swirl, but all things to everyone can end up meaning nothing to no one. Especially, given the diverse spectrum of experiences and human dynamics, I’ve encountered. I’ll keep sharing my thoughts and hope they resonate.

So, I’d like to extend a special thank you to everyone who pushed the little ‘❤️’ on the article, and especially to those who commented: , , , , and . Your resonance was reassuring.

The fast-approaching Summer holidays bring added challenges for caregivers. Sandwich caregivers face more household chaos, panini griddled between the needs and care support responsibilities of elderly parents and children.

Eldercarers may experience disrupted schedules from agency staff vacations — calendar chaos. The hotter weather can create more health risks, uncomfortable living conditions, and make us all hot under the collar!

Those caring for immunocompromised loved ones can become more cautious with social interactions, as even brief family gatherings can lead to serious illness, covid- cautious.2

These are just a few reasons why ‘Summer ’ may not mean ‘carefree’, but as I said in the previous article, is the absence of care really the answer, or can we approach things differently?

Disrupting Internalised Misperceptions About Caregiving, this Summer.

With the increased pressure and discomfort that summer brings, I’d like to share some thoughts and resources that may help you avoid some common mind traps and alleviate frustrations.

Do you think you’ve internalised some misperceptions about caregiving? How loud and frequent is your inner critic? What expectations are you setting for yourself?

I’m inviting you to play a little reframe game and curiously reflect on your thoughts and mindset this summer. Can we compassionately review how we show up for ourselves and others this summer?

1. The reframe game.

2. Creating space, not frustrations

3. Thriving in the small moments

1. The Reframe Game

‘Should’ as a swear word: Spot the ‘Should’s’ you say each day. Gently play with your thoughts without judgment. With childlike curiosity, we’re often kinder to our souls.

Can you describe what triggered the thought, and why? Whose voice are you hearing? Is it yours or someone else’s?

Do you second-guess your choices when someone provides you with (unsolicited) advice? Is someone ‘should-ing’ you? Or can you hold your decisions firm?

, I appreciate your work!

Back in 2015, when my brain was in a spin cycle and Dad was just out of the hospital, I had reams of assumptions about what I should be doing or should be able to do for my parents and at work. Surely, I could do both. A 16th relocation should be easy from London to Brussels, given how many times I’ve relocated before. I’ve led several diverse teams and portfolios of brands, so I should be able to do that easily while also providing support to my parents in the UK. After all, there should be people and agencies who can help locally, right? I just need to organise things, review agencies and set up a routine… you can read more about how I relocated and pushed myself here. Suffice it to say that when human emotions and crises with unpredictable symptoms are in play, there can be no standard expectations or assumptions that fit. It was a delusion to think I could do it all. In hindsight, it was cruel to dismiss the impact of events.

I was torturing myself, trying to sustain the overachieving superwoman brand I’d been living up to until then, trapped in a ‘Fight-Flight-Freeze’ mode, out of my depth and discombobulated.

The more ‘shoulds’ there were, the bigger and nastier the spin cycle of emotions became. I was spun out of synch with my values. These days, I cringe and alarm bells go off when I hear the word ‘should’.

Can you catch yourself ‘should-ing’? Can you curiously question and probe what’s driving the thought?

3 caregiver torture tools we need to try to release ourselves from:

1. Holding ourselves to impossible standards - we are not superhuman, we need to eat, sleep, drink water, and pee too! This includes timely health checks.

2. ‘I just need more time to get my to-do list done’ - I hate to say this, but caregivers’ lists will never be done. Time is our most precious asset. More precious than money and as precious as our health, in my book.

   Prioritising and boundaries help, but we know care needs can easily take over our time and test us3. One predictable constant is that ‘The sun will rise and set.’ Somehow, we need to become okay with doing our human-best in twenty-four hours. Recalibrate our sense of time to human, away from superhuman, back to what our reality is today (not what we want/wish it could be).

3. 'Thinking we can prevent ‘xyz’ - no matter what we do, despite all the safety measures and talks you have, ‘shit happens’— like a fall on stairs. We cannot control or prevent everything. We can only do what we can. The tighter we hold things, the larger the stress, and the more inflexible we become.

   I recommend having emergency action plans that outline what to do, when to do it, and why—scenario planning. Do our best to be prepared, not rigid or perfect. To me, control and perfectionism are false measures, like productivity.

Essential caregiving skills that we often undervalue:

• Creative pragmatism - we find some brilliant creative solutions because we have to, and we make do with what we have

• A caregiver’s radar - the ability to anticipate the needs of our loved ones and preempt issues. We become highly sensitive to change and, sometimes, can predict what will happen given our knowledge and experience of ‘the system’.

• Agility - every caregiver I know has had to learn to adapt to change, pivot quickly in crisis, and flex. Partly due to the unpredictability of deteriorating health conditions, and partly due to systemic failures.

• Influencing without authority - we may not have the medical terms or all the information, and we may feel at a disadvantage; yet, we still find ways to advocate for our needs and those of our loved ones. It’s a complicated fine line we tread, and stressful, but we do it, often because we have no other choice.

• What other essential skills can you think of? Affirmations of our work and emotional labour are important reminders and disrupters of how we perceive ourselves.

2. Creating space, not frustrations

I was blessed to have discovered Mindfulness, the work of Dr Brené Brown and Viktor Frankl’s book ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’4 in 2015. The nerdy, curious researcher in me sought resources to help myself.

I’m sure we can all point to those moments where there is no space between the stimulus and our response. Emotions get the better of us. Default responses and old stories get replayed.'

If you have siblings, family visits, or events planned this summer, you may be anxious about interactions, unsolicited advice, or your potential reactions.

The one big question I had for a long time was ‘How can I possibly catch myself, create space and choose a response?’ Often I couldn’t.

But I learnt to take a deep breath in high-stress moments. I don’t do this well, but it’s an intention. I could feel my nails squeeze into my palm as I clenched my fist hard, and I tensed up. I had to force myself to breathe, try hard NOT to say anything. Fix my mouth shut.

“Take a breath. Think.” Disrupt any default reactions. If necessary, make an excuse and leave the room.

Mindfulness practices, combined with deep breathing exercises, have been my go-to tools since 2015. To train myself to choose my response.

The Neuroscience of Breath: How to Use Breathing to Control Emotions

Discover the powerful connection between breathing and emotional control through neuroscience. This video explains how specific breathing techniques influence your brain chemistry, affect stress levels, and help manage emotions. Learn three evidence-based breathing methods that can enhance your emotional regulation, improve cognitive function, and boost stress resilience.

Dr Tracey Marks shares three evidence based breathing techniques (Timestamp 4.20)

• Box/Square Breathing (Inhale 4 seconds, Exhale 4 seconds, Hold 4 seconds

• 4-7-8 Breathing (Inhale for four counts, hold for seven, and exhale for eight)

• Resonance Breathing (5 seconds on the inhale and 5 seconds on the exhale)

Resonance breathing helps regulate our emotional responses long term. I’ve had that reinforced to me during my Nuffield health check recently. Being able to train our bodies through breathwork, helps us manage the cortisol, stress spikes.

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3. Thriving in the small moments IS possible.

It’s very easy to get stuck in the treadmill motions of a care routine. Depending on how stable your loved one’s health is, routine can offer some comfort and predictability. Our world and everyday lives can feel smaller. Sometimes we go through the motions because we’re exhausted.

So, ‘thriving’ may not be a word you’d easily associate with caregiving. But, it is possible.

I’m not talking about the crisis moments or the early days of caregiving, but when something of a routine emerges, we can have enough stability to breathe more life into each moment.

Reframing away from my old work reference points, to create more mindful space I’ve found it easier to employ each of my senses to be in-the-moment, appreciate right now and I surprise myself. The mental snapshot and pause can reground me, stopping the ‘to-do list scrolling’ or planning, that is the constant background noise in my head.

Thriving may not be the right word for you. Perhaps ‘possibility’ or ‘mindful pause’ feels more apt?

As , who cared for her mother since she was eight, said in one of her interviews

Mindfulness is not about trying to carve out a specific time to meditate on the floor or in a comfy space. Within whatever routine you have, like brushing your teeth mindfully notice your actions, your breath, use your senses to feel in the moment what you’re experiencing. Mindfulness is Non-judgmental awareness.

For me, it’s these smaller moments of our everyday that enable me to thrive. After the intense instability caring for Dad, with all the ambulance trips to ER, I savour the predictable calm and seemingly boring, small moments.

These are economics of time and effort that make the most sense to me now —small moments that bring me the most comfort5 and joy. That is the surprise.

Do you think you’ve internalised some misperceptions about caregiving?

What one thing can you try to disrupt, to help yourself this summer?

Let me know how it goes in a couple of months!

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I appreciated ’s article calling for more advocate support for carers. There are many situations where we are the sole interface, point of contact.

The answer is not always, ‘take a break, get some respite from caring.’ I had a few days away, and it wasn’t all about relaxing.

The Problem with 'Self Care' On the individualization of systemic failures By :

“The focus on individual solutions suggests that our burnout and stress are personal failures, rather than systemic ones.”

I encourage you to read the article by Anna because I think all caregivers feel ‘guilted’ and frowned upon. Being told to do xyz to care for ourselves can feel disrespectful, and reinforces the ‘normalisation’ of systemic failures.

What are our socially conditioned assumptions about caregiving, caregivers and respite? What can we do to support one another in our communities?

Personal Reflections on caregiving realities versus misperceptions.

Anna’s article brought to the surface several caregiving misperceptions that may resonate with you. I think these thoughts have been simmering in me for a while.

Long gone is the Victorian era of large households to care for several generations under one roof. However, caring behind closed doors persists as a societal norm, with the burden of care often falling on the shoulders of one person.

While care and caregiving have been devalued as an activity by society, there still seems to be an assumption that care will be readily accessible and available when needed. Uh no! Maybe in a hospital, but afterwards, who coordinates and does hands-on care support?

Caregiving is relegated to silence or default assumptions/expectations…until reality hits with a health emergency.

There are several misperceptions about long-term caregiving. One is the concept of productivity born from the ‘Industrial Revolution’, where transactional, task-oriented, time, and motion studies improved the economics of our human effort.

While some aspects of our care routine are repetitive, caregiving is a relational, not a transactional process. We sustain dignity and respect by engaging with, not ‘doing to’ a person. I can’t ‘checkbox’ comfort, or put a timer on expressing love. We can’t apply productivity.

Imposing production line measures, thinking we can do things more efficiently, faster, or easier, or stop caregiving spontaneously, is beyond incongruous.

The reality is that we optimise situations for the care, comfort, and well-being of our loved ones. We must make careful trade-offs between risk and benefit, rather than prioritising productivity. This includes advocating for ourselves by taking our safety, health, and capabilities into consideration and setting our boundaries. This is why care solutions are unique and need to be personalised, not generalised.

Economics and productivity are objective. Humans are unique, relationships are entangled full of personal baggage, and so caring is subjective. There are no smooth cookie-cutter solutions here!

Another misperception is that we can control or manage ourselves to optimise caregiving. Caregiving is not about management or control. To state the obvious, it’s about giving in response to another human being’s needs. Caregiving is unpredictable and constantly shifting, especially if a health issue is unstable. It means we become experts at pivoting and adapting1. We cannot control symptoms. Anticipating needs and agility supersede project management as essential skills in caregiving.

The underlying issue is that caregiving is now synonymous with compensating for potential communication gaps in a fragmented healthcare system, and we take on an increasing burden of project management and communications. My mantra is ‘never assume anything.’ It’s not just symptoms we can’t control, and it’s not just our loved ones’ needs we have to try to anticipate.

We're not failing ourselves or our loved ones in how we care for them. The systems and society are failing us with misperceptions, inappropriate goals and misaligned expectations. And with all of that, we remain the single point of contact and glue for another person’s care, until we have to make the difficult decision when the equation can no longer be balanced safely. (‘Like the times when I had to…’ insert every carer’s trauma of having to phone the ambulance against someone’s wishes, or admit a loved one to a home.)

Trying to set boundaries around our energy and time can feel like an impossible task with a never-ending caregiving list, and well-meaning people care-splaining what we need to do. Something’s gotta give. It’s no wonder we can feel we’re not doing anything well for our loved one, in other people’s eyes, or our own.

We are humans, not superheroes, and a bubble bath won’t reduce our workload and emotional labour as caregivers. Unfortunately, I believe that burnout is not something we can easily avoid, but we can reduce its impact, speed and fallout. Contrary to popular belief, ‘respite’ can often mean more, not less, pressure.

Orchestrating everything to ensure our loved one has food, support, and emergency plans in place is the basic requirement for our absence. Coaching and reassuring loved ones towards our absence is a next-level need.

‘Me-time’ breaks require even more effort before the few days away, so that we can recalibrate to consciously capitalise on the time, not clock-watching during the break and upon our return, shift gears again. Caregivers can’t spontaneously get up and go.

As an ‘unpaid’ caregiver, during a respite break, my very human brain can’t switch off completely—it’s called love. A brief check-in text or call can offer me the peace of mind to enjoy the rest of my day. Would that mean to some I’ve failed to ‘switch off’ from caregiving? Uggghh. Economic labels and robotic detachment.

You can see why ‘going away for a break’ is not simple, and its benefits can be easily and quickly negated.

Can we grow intergenerational communities of care? Can we shift the narrative from behind closed doors into open discussions? Can we establish local neighbourhood connections and mutual support, allowing for small breaks within our routine?

Case in point, my recent Respite and Review: a week of pre-planning, meal planning, checking medications, neighbours primed…and planning what I needed to get done for myself during ‘respite.’ I’d say that eighty per cent of the few days away were spent on actioning overdue actions on my personal to-do list. #1 was a comprehensive health check, for my sake and my mother’s! I’m very aware of the health inequalities as a caregiver.2

So, like Anna suggests, while I hope for change, we can proactively start to change the narrative around caregiving away from ‘caresplaining’3 to the carer on what they ‘should/shouldn’t’ be doing or ‘take a break’ or respite—towards acting locally in our communities, sharing daily tasks and errands. For example, shopping, collecting medications, preparing meals for others, and driving to medical appointments.4 Or simply, being a good friend and ally and asking, ‘What’s a good time to call for a short catch-up?’

We, the caregivers, need care, too5. Caregiving is what we do, but not all we are6. Respite time away is not always the answer, and it wouldn’t have to be if we had stronger support systems day-to-day. Melding into our routine, doing the dishes in the sink, without fanfare, listening and helping without expectation of praise, is ‘empathy in action’. Thank you!

The premise: Who started Carer Mentor and Why?

We can redefine care and caregiving in our communities: one cup of tea/coffee, one errand, one conversation at a time. Define your care team. Build your Caring Community.

We can support one another by leveraging our experiences, sharing empathy, and inspiration.

What misperceptions about caregiving have you encountered recently?

Have you ever felt that a respite break was more of a burden than helpful?

Thank you for reading my soapbox moment!

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Podcast Recommendation. Mary Bourke Who Cares?

These episodes may no longer be available on BBC sounds.

Thanks to for guiding me to this podcast. Broadcast on May 19th, it will only be available for the next 2 days.

Painfully hilarious, these short, under-15-minute episodes made me cringe. I was impressed by her ability to ‘tell it straight’ with her sharp, incisive wit.

Five years ago, Mary Bourke’s husband had a stroke, and she immediately became his carer. It’s a job no one wants - and one that comes with no formal training, and very little support. Guilt, isolation, toilets, and endless, endless admin - welcome to the day-to-day reality of being a carer. There are more than 5 million carers in the UK - but who cares for the carers?

Through a mixture of interviews and stand-up comedy, comedian and carer Mary Bourke investigates, with the help of friends and fellow comedians with caring responsibilities.

In episode one, Mary discovers what it’s like to be thrown into the system, with guest Dreenagh Darrell and stand-up from Al Barrie.

Presenter: Mary Bourke, Producer: Katie Sayer, Executive Producer: Jon Holmes

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

This is the reference I would have liked to have from day one of caregiving.

Carer Mentor is a dynamic resource of experiences. You’re NOT alone.

This Anthology is focused on caregivers.

We navigate the stresses and strains of caregiving, the ups and downs of the journey, with our loved ones. However, we are more than givers of care. Our life experience cannot be defined solely by caregiving, yet it can feel that way at times.

The Carer section of Carer Mentor is a core reason I started this website in 2020— to offer Care for the Carer.

This section is not about caring for someone; it’s about how we manage and care for ourselves.

Please subscribe and ‘❤️’ LIKE the page to guide others to these resources.

Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.

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Chapters

• Essential Reads

• Building a Self-Help Toolbox

• ComfortZone

• The Crisis/Emergency that started it all/The Tipping Point

• What we’d like others to understand. The Do’s and Don’ts.

• Sandwiched Caregiving

• Long-term, Chronic caregiving.

  • Around the holiday season. Thanksgiving and Christmas

• Defining the respite that feels right for you.

• ‘What happens if?’/Voicing Fears and Putting Actions around our fears.

• The Death and After-Math of Everything on the To-Do List.

• Directory of Caregiver Publications

Other chapters are coming soon…

Essential Reads

• MIND Crisis and Listening services ‘If you need to talk right now, there are many helplines staffed by trained people ready to listen. They won't judge you, and could help you make sense of what you're feeling.

  Many listening services let you talk for as long as you need. This page lists some options to try.’

• Carers UK Helpline and Support ‘Every day we hear from people who need help with looking after a friend or family member.’

• Cruse. Grief can be overwhelming. You don't have to do it alone

Back to Page Contents

Building a Self-Help Toolbox.

Articles sharing personal experiences and experts’ insights/research.

1. Carer Mentor Concepts

2. Life Transitions, Changes and Narrative Psychology

3. Self-compassion, The Stress Cycle

4. Emotions and Emotional Agility

5. Misconceptions about Emotions

6. How Emotions are Made

7. A Growth Mindset

8. Resilience

9. Building your Values Compass

10. Walking Your Why

11. The Language of Caregivers

12. Bereavement and Grief

The Crisis/Emergency that started it all/The Tipping Point

1. 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture.' A 2015 hospitalisation was only the beginning. This is probably the most painful article I’ve written to date. A grief hangover ensued. Trigger warning for anyone in emotional turmoil over caregiving or at the start of their care journey: this may be too tough to read.

Back to Page Contents

What we’d like others to understand. The Do’s and Don’ts.

• 5 Statements that are Decidedly Not Helpful. Even though we both wish they were. . .By In this short article, Anne generously helps guide readers on what’s acceptable.

• Thanks to for writing this article, which provides gifting guidance that resonates with grieving people and anyone giving or receiving care: A Grief Gift Guide. Beyond Flowers: 12 Things to Give People Who are Suffering. I recommend reading Christine’s advice. In the comments, I highlighted how parcels, especially those with food, flowers, or something expensive, can cause immense issues—tracking, mistakes with delivery, stolen or damaged goods. If in doubt, send vouchers via email!🎁

Sandwiched Caregiving

• Wiping Butts. Living Life in the Sandwich Generation by This quote grabbed me “So there I was wiping everyone’s butts and being too busy to feel any feelings. But now she’s gone and all that time I spent caregiving, or organizing other people to provide care, coordinating doctors visits, the hospice nurses, et cetera is open to do…what exactly?”

• Welcome to Gen Xandwich. by “When I learned of the term “sandwich generation” and began to read about others’ experiences juggling care for children and elder family members, I started to feel slightly less alone in this struggle, like there is a community out there (often silently) treading water to stay afloat, just like me.”

  In my ‘day job’ as a social impact consultant, I’ve been increasingly involved and interested in the global care economy, an area that itself has really only begun to gain traction and attention post Covid-19. Figuring out how to improve how we care for children, elders and families with unpaid caregiving responsibilities is not only critical for the increasing number of Gen X and Millennials in a caregiving sandwich like mine, but it’s critical for advancing gender equity. The vast majority of unpaid caregivers are women, and the fact that both paid and unpaid caregiving is extremely undervalued is not a coincidence.

• Care Math: Girl Math has Nothing on these Stats. No one can make it make sense. By “Being thrown into sandwich caregiving has been a bootcamp in a layer of financial responsibility that before my late 30s, I had hardly given much thought to.”

• Learning to ask for help. Our "awkward, brave & kind" email and the response we received. By “It was a challenging subject: asking for help. This topic comes up so often in my conversations with people experiencing a Sandwich Season or other challenging times—a death, an illness, the loss of a marriage or a job, a child pushing boundaries or fill in the blank with your own current challenge. These are difficult experiences, even more so if you try to go through them alone.”

• We do hard things. By . Sarah’s actions and insights felt very familiar in terms of the laundry list of To-Dos and BIG stuff we have to handle as caregivers. “Meanwhile, I keep learning the truth behind the quote on my mom’s bookmark: Why must we do the thing we think we cannot do? Because it is only by doing the hard thing that we learn we can do more and bear more than we ever imagined.”

• Anyone seen my toothbrush? By at . Courtney shares her transition to cohousing intergenerationally, moving to a house where her parents (her father with advanced dementia and her mother with chronic illness, having cared for her father for over a decade) live with her and her family. Her brother lives closeby. I highly recommend reading her articles.

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Long-term, Chronic caregiving.

• A Caregiver’s Temper by shares the very real emotional turmoil that caregivers go through. Imagine this day in and day out for a very long time. Imagine if someone comes in with clichés or ‘advice’ (even if it is well-meaning). Imagine the impact on a caregiver’s mental health over time. THIS is why we need community support.

• Loving Every Day By

• My Thoughts on Caring By

• A Day in MY Life otherwise known as "Welcome to Chaos!" by

  I was born with a complex congenital cardiac condition – tricuspid atresia, pulmonary atresia, TGA and ASD. This means I have a right sided single ventricle condition. I have had open heart surgery on 2 occasions, and several scary moments…. but I’m still here… at 56 I am grateful for that fact.

  My son, Nathan, and my daughter, Cerys, both have Cerebral Palsy and are full time wheelchair users.

• These two articles by gave me pause. The elephant in the room, the cause of the burden on caregivers, is not being resolved. Real solutions are needed within the systems themselves.

  • Fix the Systems ‘Start-ups believe the problem lies in our house. Problems are embedded in the systems.’

  • The Weariness of the Systems. The systems suck the life out of us.

• I Wasn't Raised to Let You Die Alone by is a beautiful testimony to why she does what she does. While she and many of us appreciate the big picture reasons and our motivations, the irony is that the details of caregiving minute-by-minute can change. The same day, just after publishing the article Jodi shared this:

  Mom, comfortably sleeping on the floor while we wait for paramedics to help lift her up. I’m grateful I’d vacuumed yesterday.

  Note: She slept through three paramedics lifting her into bed. I wish I could sleep like that.

Around the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Birthdays

• offers excellent advice for any time of the year here: A Grief Gift Guide: Beyond Flowers: 12 Things to Give People Who are Suffering.

  I’ve given advice before on how to be with someone in their suffering. I’ve shared about what to say and what not to say. I always emphasize being over doing, when it comes to support. But sometimes, people want to do something impactful. We want to offer support in a tactile way. 

• Thanksgiving with a Spouse Who Is Disabled: Gratitude, Adaptation, and Love by “Thanksgiving could deepen the bond between us, fostering resilience and redefining what it meant to be thankful.”

• A caregiver birthday Figuring out how to celebrate in this new world By

  Sometimes it’s OK for me to let him know about these things but most of the time it makes him sad because he realizes he didn’t remember and didn’t get me a gift.

  Each time that this topic comes up, I let him know that his company is my present. That cheers him up. 🥰

Defining the respite that feels right for you.

1. APRIL 2, 2025: BBC News article highlights CAREFREE a charity that connects unpaid carers with hotels that have spare capacity so that they can take a respite break in the UK (carefreespace.org)

   Personally, I know two friends in the UK who have benefitted from Carefree’s work - each had a much-needed break. Thanks, Carefree!

   Carers have described a charity that offers them a night or two of respite care as an "absolute lifeline". by Victoria Hollins BBC London (News link below)

   Carefree is currently working with 14 hotel groups, including Axiom Hospitality which has 25 hotels in the programme - including 13 in central London.

   Anael Peu from Axiom said the scheme benefits the community as well as the carers.

   "Hotels don't sell all the rooms every single night.

   "The fact that we can give these unsold rooms to people for a better use was a no brainer - when they come they don't just come to stay the night.

   "They have a packed agenda. They go and see shows, art exhibitions and so on."

   Carefree chief executive Charlotte Newman said they use "technology-led solutions" to provide respite care without a cost to the cash-strapped social care sector.

   "Carers are very much an invisible part of our society when it comes to who is providing the backbone of our health and social care system.

   "So the fact that they are identified, they're recognised, they're congratulated and supported to continue their caring role and also it's something that makes a genuine and positive difference to their life."

   The Impact of Carefree direct quote from the website (April 2):

1. 'A little respite: reminders, revelry and love?' A short post of a little paradox by

2. HOME ALONE with THE CAREGIVER By I recommend reading this caregiver’s dilemma about having time alone. I think we all know how this feels. This is what I wrote in my comment

   “Sometimes, I get disappointed about how things turn out; sometimes, I berate myself for 'not making better use of my time'. BUT the one common denominator through all these is how I LOVE not watching the clock, 'time-bound-less' I am.

   So I've negotiated an agreement with myself- NOT to criticise myself as long as I focus on NOT focusing on time..it works quite well if I've a few days...mainly because I watch movies/tv until the early hours of the morning and need sleep ;-)”

‘What happens if?’/Voicing Fears and Putting Actions around our fears.

• Thankfully, there are people like . She tells it straight and voices what I’ve been toying with over the last few months: what happens if we’re doing such a good job that we ‘go’/die/pass away/have a fatal accident/get hit by a bus first? There’s one part about keeping ourselves healthy, and then another is that we cannot control random life things (even when we don’t get out much!). I’ll share my thoughts soon. Thanks to Jodi for these articles.

  • The Bloods, Part I. The care & feeding that makes Mommys live forever

  • The Good Blood, Part 2 Thinking about how to Mr. Rogers my own end of life plans because I'm not getting any younger.

  • The Death Planner that Jodi quotes in the Part 2 article

The Death and After-Math of Everything on the To-Do List.

• The Ending. Or...The Beginning by “I was flooded with emotions. Heartbreak. Grief. Gratitude. Relief. It was the end of her life. And the beginning of a new chapter. Hannah Eller-Isaacs: Orphan Child. A chapter in the book of life I never wanted to read let alone have to write for myself. The center of gravity for my life would have to shift.”

• When dying happens...Friday, August 2, 2024 By

  “When my mom was dying, it was everything I expected, and everything I didn’t. With pancreatic cancer, we’d been told it would change quickly, suddenly, unexpectedly, and so I found myself holding my breath for the seven and a half months it took to course through her body, and still it took me by surprise with its ending.”

• Several posts by share the aftermath. I recommend reading her posts. For example: “My bones ache. The deep grief of the final week of sorting, sifting, deciding, leaving behind things in my mom’s home of 51 years is settling in.

  I wake up each morning with an albatross around my neck and drag myself through each room again. Culling, looking, deciding, stepping away, and again and again.”

• OMG this essay: the relationships with your parents, grief, sandwich generation, caregiving at a distance… I’m awed, impressed, and my heart hurts for you. Thank you for writing this piece. You’re Human-ing inspires me. I encourage readers to read this: In the Face of Loss. What we hold onto and what we release is everything

  “The thing about grief is that it does you in, even as life around you continues. Lunches still need to be packed. If you’re me, yoga classes still need to be filmed. Your dog still needs to be walked. Your teenagers still need your support, even if they don’t always want it. I’d experienced my first panic attack twelve hours after my mother died. Most days I was just keeping my head above water, and that’s with yoga and meditation and breathing exercises and every other tool in my toolbox. I’d heard the term Sandwich Generation, but as with most things that don’t directly impact you, I hadn’t really paused to consider what that was. You can’t really know what it is until you’re eating it, anyway. Zero stars, do not recommend. And yet, you’ll probably end up eating some version of it.”

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Directory of Caregiver Publications

I’ve highlighted many writers/authors/poets and creatives in The Dementia Anthology, the Giving or Receiving Care Anthology and The Bereavement and Grief Anthology.

These Authors’ publications focus on the Caregiver Perspective.

Please recommend other publications which focus on supporting and sharing reflections of the person behind the role of ‘caregiver’.

A few of my recent discoveries are Bold Highlighted

• writes The Future Widow

• writes A Container for My Thoughts

• writes Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny

• is the author of several publications about being a Caregiver. One is Caregiving Reflections

• writes Sandwich Season

• writes GenXandwich

• write The Long Goodbye: Dementia Caregiving

• writes Betwixt and Between Proxy

• writes Grace Infused Messy Life

• writes Dementia, Vascular

• writes Letters from the Sandwich Generation

• writes Life and Other Stories

• writes Come As You Are

• Kerri writes ‘The Other Parenthood’

• writes Sammie’s Substack

• writes The Caregiver’s Life

• writes The Examined Family

• writes Dementia’s Daughter

• writes She’s The Caregiver

• writes Alzheimer’s Caregiver

• writes Contemplations (includes Dementia Diaries section)

• writes A Caregiver’s Conscience.

• writes An Alzheimer’s Awakening.

• writes Journeying Alongside

• Madeline Wahl writes Millennial Caregivers

• writes Ageing Well

• writes Forgetting the Self

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New chapters will be added, e.g. different phases of the caregiver’s journey. It’s not a linear path; no two journeys are the same. However, some periods become familiar over time.

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article & consider subscribing!

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Return to the main iCARE Stack

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

It’s a little mix of things in today’s article-newsletter.

• Evolution: I’ve evolved the website (desktop version of the publication), which is the best way to view, access and navigate the wealth of resources in Carer Mentor.

• Constant adaptation; agility. Even after a decade of caregiving, I’m still having to learn new pre-emptive ways and backup plans to compensate for unreliable services. Sound familiar?

• Stress aggravates grief, especially when YOU’re the advocate and buffer-interface.

• …and that’s why I’m planning some Me-time Respite.

Evolution: Our community is growing, and so must the website - slowly and at an empathetic pace.

Carer Mentor offers heartfelt empathy when you feel isolated and have limited time/energy. A hub of practical tools, resources, and insights. A portal of hope.

The Website (desktop version) offers easy navigation of all the articles. I recommend viewing the whole website in a desktop version to navigate through the various indexes and interlinked articles.

Alternatively, download the Substack Mobile app to read Carer Mentor on the go. This is the best way to save and read a specific article in a waiting room, in a shopping queue or on the bus!

Take a look at Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Subscribe now

Constant adaptation.

Even after a decade of caregiving, I’m still having to learn new pre-emptive ways and backup plans to compensate for unreliable services. Sound familiar?

Context: The car battery decided to tell me it was low the morning of one appointment. Cue a call to the service garage. I just hoped the car survived long enough to get us through the morning appointment.

Home, phew. I take the car to the garage, and they offer me a ride home. Next, I called to reserve a taxi for the next day.

The taxi company is the largest taxi service in this city. They were great with Dad in the wheelchair. There may have been more WAV (Wheelchair Accessible vehicles) 6 years ago.

I asked for

• a low car as Mum can’t get in and out of a car easily.

• enough space for a foldable wheelchair

• emphasised the need for the driver to wear a mask. ‘Please can you make sure they’ll wear a mask so I don’t have to argue with a driver when I have other things to worry about?’ I used explicit words like cancer and immunocompromised.

I’ve had a few glitches with them before, but not like this.

The result? A 4x4 pulls into our driveway late. At this point, my brain has already started whirring on alternatives, looking at my watch and at Mum while we move outside.

The driver, a young woman, doesn’t leave the car until I stand waiting for her. She sees me holding Mum and the wheelchair, masked with my hands full.

When I ask her to wear a mask, she says she gets ‘bad skin’ from them. I would’ve hands-on-hips-cocked-head and given her full attitude if I hadn’t still got the wheelchair and Mum attached to me.

So, I have to get directive and insist. Adrenalin is starting to raise my blood pressure.

She says she doesn’t have a mask, so I tell her I’ll get one from inside our house for her. Her slightly sulky, pleading look must have helped her get what she wanted from others, but skin irritation does not trump cancer and immunocompromised!

I think I said to her that Mum has cancer at least three times, and I spelt out the need for us to protect ourselves because she’s got low immunity1.🙄

Then the wheelchair gets hoisted into the boot, standing upright (not folded, lying down, or off its wheels). At this point, who cares? I’m too busy trying to ensure Mum doesn’t fall out of the car when she tries to get up and onto the seat without a step.

Note to every ‘BIG’ car driver: raised cars aren’t great for elderly hips. It’s not just the height. It’s also the fact that the passenger needs to swivel to get into the seat. A risky move if they’re not far enough inside. It’s a movement we younger folk take for granted. Not easy for Mum.

Fuming and stressed, I was a whisper away from pulling the wheelchair out and returning to the house.

Imagine the slide side-to-side the wheelchair did around the sharp bends she took. Scuff - bang…scufff-bang.

The driver then complains, ‘It’s not easy to breathe in these masks, is it?’ Is she seriously asking for banter or sympathy right now? 🤪 🙄 The masks protect us; they’re not meant to be lovely and comfy for F's sake!’

At that moment, I concentrated on my breathing and calming myself down. Placate and educate. If you don’t say something, you’ll be more mad at yourself later.

‘Well, thank you for wearing the mask because that helps protect us!’ I was NOT going to say ‘sorry’ or apologise for her having to wear a mask.

These are the moments when we expend more energy than initially planned. We’re frequently pushed into situations where we have to regulate our emotions quickly so that we can move on…pay, get out of the taxi, get the wheelchair, and get to the appointment.

We may/may not have the time to complete the stress-cycle2 of emotional turmoil or be able to create space, pause and objectively assess our response.

The most helpful in-the-moment tools I use:

• Focusing on my breath (try box breathing) to let the anger/frustration/ stress wash off and out of your body like water.

• Grounding myself to the physical things around me: what I’m sitting on or standing, listening for small sounds, taking in smells or touching the seat. I use my senses to zone into external ‘data inputs’ and connect me more with what’s around me, away from the inner turmoil.

In the early days of caregiving, this situation may not have irritated me as much, or when it was a single event now and again—these days, with a few appointments close together, I always know there will be an issue. I’ve come to expect it.

Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait too long for Mum’s appointment, which went smoothly. I checked that Mum was okay and her hip was okay.

The taxi ride home was smoother, although the wheelchair assisted taxi I had prearranged said he was on another job…but that’s another story.

The balm over this episode: Our car had been serviced, and the battery was charged (we didn’t need a new one—PHEW!). The car was cleaned (!) returned to our driveway, and the keys were posted through our letterbox. Bless those car service guys!

I'm very grateful for the relationships and support services I’ve curated and nurtured over the years. Community is not just friends and neighbours; it also includes reliable services that walk their talk.

My recommendations:

1. Maintain a good relationship with a good service garage that can charge your car’s battery overnight3. OR get a solar-powered car battery charger. 😊 I did that for a few years, but our lovely garage service checks the brakes and washes the car. A car health check is worth it to avoid all this taxi stress. I’ve already booked another overnight stay for our car. It needs some TLC (tender loving care), too!

2. Identify a taxi person you can pre-book with AND rely on as a backup to the backup. I’m searching for a new one now. How many backup plans do you have?

3. Trust your gut. If you think it’s better not to attempt to get in the taxi or car, don’t. I trust my gut, having aligned it with Mum over many years, so I don’t have to second-guess my decision. I can tell you the exact moment when Mum and I committed to getting into the car, despite the unhelpful driver and high seat. Do what’s right for you and your loved one. If you’re unsure, err on the side of caution—better safe than sorry.

4. I’ll take a small box of chocolates and card to our service-garage soon. Even if we pay for their service, thanks and gratitude are essential when so many other services are unreliable.

5. If you know someone in your community with regular or several appointments, could you be their backup person, driver, or support?

Watch out for when stress aggravates grief.

When YOU’re the advocate and buffer-interface, frustrated anger can trigger the most aggravating grief waves. Hands up who hates tears when you’re angry?

For me, grief is love persevering in all its human messiness.4

When Still By Victoria (February 15)

When still
my heart cracks
at memory's sharp blade
piercing hard the shield of grace
bravely held with love upright, not hate nor fear, despite the dark blindness of night.

The seismic scars of fissures born of fate
Keep this body cloaked tight
perpetually bound
in a heartbreak state.

So I mirror the memory,
even with the bittersweet pain of love lost over time.
A balm of soft care can restore some grace and fuel love's light,
a beacon, not shield, to warm and shed the cloak of fear and need for flight.

To build new memories, to sheath the blade,
bring comfort while observing the cracks
because I am, Still.
Despite heartbreak here and CAN thrive.
When still, 
With Love.

The conclusion? I’m planning some Me-time Respite

I recognise the brain fog, tiredness, and edginess. Please avoid clichés or ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ stuff.

The lovely sign from the world was when the website went down most of Saturday due to an issue with the host domain. Digital speak for ‘you’re forcibly disconnected,’ go chill! So a few days away is in the works…

A last word..

Thank you for being here, reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and being part of this community network.

If you found something that resonated or some helpful information and would like to show your support, please consider subscribing for £6 a month or £50 a year. Carer Mentor is a Not-for-profit mission.

Your support is greatly appreciated and helps validate my time and effort.

Thank you!

Please remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

What is the Index of Experts, References and Resources?

This alphabetically lists experts, references and resources that I’ve mentioned or leveraged for Carer Mentor Articles.

I encourage readers and other publishers to explore the books and work of these experts to build insights and your perspective.

Feel free to build on what I’ve shared by writing your own articles, notes, or comments to strengthen our outreach to other carers and caregivers who may need this information/awareness. I only ask that you reference Carer Mentor in your work.

This is a continuous work in progress.

Thank you for being here, reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and being part of this community network.

If you found something that resonated, helpful information, or a new connection and would like to show your support, please consider becoming a subscriber for £6 a month or £50 a year.

Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

Your support is greatly appreciated and helps validate my time and effort.

Thank you!

Subscribe now

Jonathan Adler: Narrative Psychology

• Recommendation: Shankar Verdantam's Hidden Brain Podcast 'Change your story, Change your life' (Episode Released 30 October 2023). Script guide.

• Insights: Shankar Vedantam's  Hidden Brain podcast: 'Change your story, Change your life'. Summary notes, generating Your insights, professional and personal actionable outcomes.

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Poet Ali

• 'The language of being human' by Poet Ali. Do you speak Caregiving?

Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett is the author of How Emotions Are Made.

She is among the top 0.1% most cited scientists worldwide for her revolutionary research in psychology and neuroscience.

• How are Emotions Made?' An Introduction to Neuroscientist Professor Lisa Feldmann Barrett.

• 'How do we construct emotions?' 3 videos by Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett. (Part 1)

• 'Why are Brain predictions important?' A caregiver's telepathy and burden—putting predictions into a context. (Part 2)

• 'What influences Brain predictions?' and how can we build better predictions? Solving for unpredictability as a caregiver. (Part 3)

• 'An architect of my emotions?' Agency and curiosity & how we can rewire our brains for better predictions. (Part 4)

• 'What is social reality?' What social constructs frame our lives and influence us? (Part 5)

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Dr Brené Brown

• Resource: 'Dr. Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability June 2010 the TEDxHouston talk that went viral. (Now 63 million views). Human connection, empathy, belonging and love. Video

• Resource: 'Dr Brené Brown's TED Talk: Listening to shame' March 2012 TED talk. Video and Book recommendation

• Resource: 'RSA Animation of Brené Brown's Connecting with Empathy' Video Animation

Dr Susan David

• An Introduction to 'Emotional Agility'. Dr Susan David and Christina Congleton. (November 2013)

• Resource: 'Dr. Susan David's TedTalk 'The Gift and Power of Emotional Agility.'November 2017. 6 years ago, this was a gift to see and to feel seen. 'Sawubona'. Video and Book

• Resource: Nathan Lozeron's Animated Summary of 'Emotional Agility.' Animation (Jan 24, 2019)

• Resource: An Interview with Dr. Susan David about 'Emotional Agility' Train ourselves to live better lives with our emotions. (December 21 2019)

• Dr Susan David 'Teaching Emotional Agility to Children' (December 21 2019) A short 6 minute video-interview.

• 'Wholehearted living: Avoid Toxic Positivity and Rethink our beliefs around Emotions.' Showing up to our Emotions. Adam Grant & Susan David.

• ‘Decoding Emotions and Experiences’.Emotional Granularity. Drs. Susan David and Brené Brown help us decode our emotions.

• Resource: Dr Susan David's Concept of 'Stepping Out' (Oct 29, 2016) 2-minute video.

• Resource: Dr Susan David 'Walking your Why' Interview with LeadersIn.(July 18, 2016).

• Emotional Agility: 'Moving on' with the help of Piggybacking Habits.Values aligned action-habits. Dr Susan David, Charles Duhigg and James Clear.

• In the moment- Emotional Agility in Action. An approach that helps me navigate forward through uncertainty.

• Navigating with Emotional Agility: 'A map, compass and signposts.' Preparing for the onward journey.

• Dr Susan David's Emotional Agility Quiz that gives you your own report!

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Megan Devine: ‘It’s OK not to be OK. Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand.’

• Resource: Megan Devine's 'How do you help a grieving friend?' Refuge in Grief Website & Book

• 'Here's what we get wrong about the 5 Stages of Grief.'

• Megan Devine 'How to handle the Advice you didn't ask for while grieving'...and for many situations where unsolicited advice is given.

Professor Carol Dweck: Growth Mindset

• Professor Carol Dweck: 'Developing A Growth Mindset'. Embracing The power of 'Not yet' (October 9, 2014)

Bruce Feiler: 'Life is in the Transitions.' 

• Recommendation: Bruce Feiler's 'Life is in the Transitions'. Mastering Change at Any Age. TEDx Talk and Book. Free access to the video. Paid access to suggested prompts for generating your own insights.

Psychologist Thomas Gilovich

• 'How can I feel happier or more grateful?’ Enemies of gratitude and how to cultivate a habit to feel happier and more grateful. Dr Thomas Gilovich

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Dr Russ Harris

A doctor, therapist, father, trainer of health professionals, and author of The Happiness Trap (plus eight other books).

• Part 1 'Misconceptions of Emotions: The Myths and Biases. Decoding Emotions. A new series of insights and resources.

• Part 2 'Misconceptions of Emotions: The Happiness Trap and a Paradox. Decoding Emotions. A new series of insights and resources.

Dr Lucy Hone

• Resource: 'Dr. Lucy Hone's TED Talk 'The Three Secrets of Resilient People.' September 25, 2019. A powerful video strikes a chord.

• Resource: 'Grief is messy. It's not a tidy five-stage path.' Shankar Vedantam's interview of Lucy Hone offers us a broader context to her resilience research work and how she leverage her own work to navigate the grief of losing her daughter.

Dr Iris Mauss Research Psychologist. (Wiki page).

• 'Why does pursuing happiness, make us unhappy?’ Appreciating the messiness of now, reflecting on joy.

Dr Kristin Neff and Dr Chris Germer: Mental wellness, Self Compassion, Burnout and the Stress cycle

• Resource: Managing the Mental Load. Understanding and Enabling Yourself.

• Recommendation: 'Burnout and how to complete the stress cycle. Emily and Amelia Nagoski' Dr. Brené Brown's 'Unlocking Us' podcast.

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James Rhee: Red Helicopter a modern day parable

• James Rhee: 'The value of kindness at work' (February 13, 2022)

• James Rhee: 'red helicopter: a parable for our times: lead change with kindness (plus a little math).'An example of 'walking your why.' Book release April 9th 2024.

Brad Stuhlberg: Mastering Change.

• Recommendation: '3 Essential Steps to Master Any Change'. Introduction to Nathan Lozeron's summaries and 1 pagers. How do you digest new information?

Bruce Tuckman's "Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing"  to build a highly productive team.

• Recommendation: 'Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing" model' as a Carer and Mentor. Mindtools and 'Psychologist Bruce Tuckman's concept. November 10 2014

Thank you for being here, reading Carer Mentor: Empathy and Inspiration and being part of this community network.

If you found something that resonated, helpful information, or a new connection and would like to show your support, please consider becoming a subscriber for £6 a month or £50 a year.

Please Remember to ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to these resources

Your support is greatly appreciated and helps validate my time and effort.

Thank you!

Subscribe now

If you have any suggestions for other experts/resources/references that could be of service to carers and caregivers, please share them in the comments below

Return to the main iCARE Stack

I’m Victoria (She/her/hers). You can read more about why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?’

Susan David’s TED Talk and book, ‘Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life’, offer a fresh mindset and approach that empowers us.

If you were inspired by Dr Brené Brown’s TED talks, I recommend watching this one.

Susan David and Christina Congleton published their article ‘Emotional Agility’ in the Harvard Business Review (HBR) in November 2013.

There are numerous books that I would consider recommending as ‘Must Reads’ in life. However, Viktor E Frankl's ‘Mans Search for Meaning’ and Susan David's ‘Emotional Agility’ are anchored, will never be removed, from the list. I find new meaning and ways to apply the thinking, as life shifts and changes every year.

Summary:

Psychologist Susan David shares how we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility. A talk to share. TEDWomen 2017 | November 2017

She is a highly articulate speaker, and her talks are content-rich. So, I’ve summarised the insights and learnings that made the biggest impact on me. I hope you will find her work as inspiring as I have.

Here are a few takeaways which hit home for me:

• Emotional rigidity is toxic. Emotional agility can enable true resilience and help us to thrive.

• Show up authentically to my emotions and have a safe, secure correspondence with myself.

• Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

• Don’t brood or bottle up emotions; they will resurface.

• Avoid false positivity. Positivity has become a moral correctness. It belittles the full spectrum and diversity of emotions

• Rigid denial is unsustainable.

• Suspension of emotions results in amplification, and they will control you.

• We are losing the capability of being able to deal with Real emotions

• Emotions are our contract for having a full and meaningful life.

• Accuracy and acceptance of feelings. Emotions are data. Not ‘I am’ but ‘I notice that I’m feeling’.

• Emotions are NOT directives; they are signposts

Her ‘Emotional Agility’ book has been one of my Top 10 Books every year since 2017. (Published 3rd of August 2017). Clicking on my Top 10 Books or the image below will take you to my affiliate-linked Bookshop site.

Simply put, this ranks higher than 99% of other books, especially as a caregiver, because it’s content continues to serve me as a tool. It acts as part of my compass to navigate my way forward through challenges.

'Sawubona'.

A picture of the Book’s Table of Contents

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The original Harvard Business Review (HBR) Video and link to the article.

Other Enabling tools and articles:

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Thank you for spending some of your precious time and energy reading this article.

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

In my article ‘A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture’, I shared some painful experiences. The spin-cycle of anguish in 2015 was torture.

Dr Kristin Neff's work and insights and those of others like Dr Brené Brown and Dr Susan David resonate with me and help me manage and move through my mental load.

In this talk, I learned the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion and how to be kinder to myself.

I’m not a medic, psychologist or expert. I’m a perfectly imperfect human trying to navigate some extremely challenging times. I hope what helped me can offer you some support too.

Dr Kristin Neff and Dr Chris Germer

From their website:

Since 2010, Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer have tested and continually refined strategies to help people develop self-compassion as a habit—a natural strength that comes to our aid whenever we need it. And guess what? It works. In research studies and in real life.

The website with free resources: What is Self Compassion, and what it's not.

Kristin Neff: ‘The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion’

Key messages transcribed from the video:

Self Esteem: Global Evaluation of self worth. A judgement. For a long time it was seen as a marker of psychological health.

If Low self esteem - people are likely to be depressed and anxious

High self esteem can be problematic. It's not a problem if you have it but its about how you get it. In American culture this means you have to be special and above average.

It's not okay to be average in this culture. It's considered an insult to be average. So, if we all have to feel above average, 'we play these little games about puffing ourselves up of in comparison with others put them down. There is an epidemic of Narcissism in this culture.

Nasty social dynamics like bullying, prejudice - to enhance our own self esteem. Self esteem is contingent on success. What happens if we fail or don't meet those ideal standards, the domains we value?

For women around the world the number one domain that women invest their self esteem is their perception of how attractive they are.

Self Compassion is about relating to ourselves kindly, flaws and all. 3 core components.

1) Treating ourselves like we would a friend, with kindness.

2) Common humanity. Not how are we different from others but how are we the same. The shared human experience. Common humanity, instead of feeling separated from others. We are each an imperfect person. We are ALL perfectly imperfect.

3) Mindfulness. Being aware of ourselves, and what IS, in the present moment. We need to be able to turn toward, acknowledge, validate and accept the fact that we are suffering in order to give ourselves compassion. Often we aren't aware of our own suffering, especially when that suffering comes from our own harsh self criticism. We get so involved in our own self criticism that we don't realise the incredible pain that we are causing to ourselves, and if we don't notice what we're doing in our own harsh self criticism we can't give ourselves the compassion that we need.

Why do we do it, this harsh self criticism?

We believe we need our self criticism to motivate ourselves, we think we are too lazy and self indulgent and need it to do better. So the question is, is it true?

Actually research shows the opposite. It undermines our motivation. Harshly criticising ourselves taps into our threat defence system the reptilian part of our brain. This part of our brain evolved so that if there was a threat to our physical person it would release adrenalin, cortisol and prepare for the fight flight freeze response. The system was meant for threats to our actual physical body but modern times the threat is to our actual selves but to our self concept So when we think a thought about ourselves that we don't like or some imperfection we feel threatened and so we attack the problem, meaning we attack ourselves. AND with self criticism it's a double whammy because we are both the attacker and the attacked.

So self criticism releases a lot of cortisol. So if you are a self critic you have a high level of cortisol, a high level of stress and eventually the body to protect itself will shut itself down, and become depressed to deal with all the stress, which itself is not a motivational mind state.

There is another way for us to feel safe, and that's tapping into our mammalian caregiving system.

What is unique about mammals is that they are born very immature and therefore there needed to be a system so that babies stayed close to mothers. Which means are bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalisation.

So when we give ourselves compassion, the research shows we actually reduce our cortisol, we release Oxytocin and opiates which are the feel good hormones. When we feel safe and comforted we are in the optimal mind state to do our best.

Strong direct correlation between self compassion and Mental Wellbeing, and connectedness with others; interpersonal relationships.

Self compassion offers all the same benefits of self-esteem but without all the pitfalls. (no depression or narcissism or stress).

Self compassion is not selfish or indulgent. the more we can keep our hearts open the more we have to offer and give to others.

Here is the link to the website and Free resources:

• Free Self-Compassion Guided Practices and Exercises.

• Self Compassion Practices

• Tips for Practice

• Recommended Reading

These are the other videos which Kristen Neff offers on her website. I highly recommend exploring all her work.

• Self Compassion

• Self Kindness

• Common Humanity

• Mindfulness

• Self Compassion vs Self Esteem

About Dr. Kristin Neff

From the website:

Kristin Neff, Associate Professor, Educational Psychology Dept., University of Texas at Austin.

Kristin Neff received her doctorate from the University of California at Berkeley, and is currently an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

During Kristin’s last year of graduate school she became interested in Buddhism and has been practicing meditation in the Insight Meditation tradition ever since. While doing her post-doctoral work she decided to conduct research on self-compassion – a central construct in Buddhist psychology and one that had not yet been examined empirically. Kristin is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, creating a scale to measure the construct almost 20 years ago. She has been recognized as one of the world’s most influential research psychologists. In addition to writing numerous academic articles and book chapters on the topic, she is author of the book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, and her latest Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive.

In conjunction with her colleague Dr. Chris Germer, she has developed an empirically supported training program called Mindful Self-Compassion, which is taught by thousands of teachers worldwide. They co-authored The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbookas well as Teaching the Mindful Self-Compassion Program: A Guide for Professionals. She is also co-founder of the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.

Self-Compassion Articles

It’s reassuring to read of other people’s experiences, but especially from trained experts like (Dr. Amber Groomes, a licensed clinical psychologist with a specialty in anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and maternal mental health.)

Dr. Amber_Writes

Self-Compassion Makes Us Stronger, Not Softer

I recently volunteered to provide a brief training on self-compassion for hospital nurses and physicians as part of a larger workshop on grief and loss. While working on my materials for the workshop, I decided to bring the information I was gathering to Dr. Amber_Writes as well. I expect this to be a series of 2-3 artic…

Read more

2 years ago · 1 like · 2 comments · Amber Groomes,Ph.D.

Common Humanity Articles

shares some beautifully articulate expressions and phrases of common humanity. Click through to discover more e.g. through the eleventh gem she links to her article that discusses ‘The antidote to depression is not positivity – it is fully feeling your sadness or shame or rage.’

The Therapy Room

20 things I've learned from 20 years in the therapy room

Before we launch into today’s content, I’d like to just acknowledge that this week marks my first anniversary here on Substack – a whole year since I impulsively dived in and launched this little corner of the web called The Therapy Room. There’s been an inner writer dying for expression since childhood and she’s so delighted to fin…

Read more

2 years ago · 37 likes · 17 comments · Dr Vicki Connop

If you’re seeking support:

UK: MIND Crisis and Listening services If you need to talk right now, there are many helplines staffed by trained people ready to listen. They won't judge you, and could help you make sense of what you're feeling.

Six Articles related to ‘Managing the Mental Load’

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The November Series: For the Caregivers

The first article of this month’s series highlighted President Biden’s proclamation that this month is National Family Caregiver Month and Madam Vice President Kamal Harris's experience as a caregiver. She knows and understands. She cared for her mother, who was diagnosed with cancer.

How did your caregiving journey start? Or are you finding that you’re doing a little more for a loved one? A little shopping, perhaps? Perhaps you’ve offered to help someone about to have an operation?

For former caregivers or long-term carers like myself, in hindsight, there is a crisis tipping point or period that sets the rollercoaster in motion. In some instances, there is only a heart-in-throat free fall when someone needs an ambulance.

Care to share a piece of your caregiving rollercoaster? ‘How did it start’?

Today’s contents:

• My First Rollercoaster-ing

• The individuality of each Carer’s Rollercoaster

• Resources: iCARE Stack section & Index For the Caregiver

My First Rollercoaster-ing

If you’ve been reading Carer Mentor for a while, you may have noticed that the introduction has evolved to share more details of my caregiving journey with each article.

I need the time… to space and release the details of the numerous events gently.

Finding the words can be like removing the scab on a wound—uncertain if the skin underneath has healed, if it’s still raw and how much pain will be released. Of course, everything feels sensitive and exposed if you’re tired. (Thanks, Covid & pneumonia!)

I shared the crisis tipping point of my caregiving journey in A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture. A 2015 hospitalisation was only the beginning'.

After I published that piece of my rollercoaster, I had the worst Grief Hangover that lasted several days! Now, I realise that, for my mental health—and to continue my everyday caregiving, I can only share the past in small pieces.

I guess that’s an essential insight in itself. As I wrote in ‘Can’t Cry, Want to Cry?’

We may not have the space and time to fully process emotions and events while being flung around the rollercoaster, orchestrating appointments, communications and caregiving.

But also, it isn’t easy to download or share the full amplitude of feelings and everything we go through when we have time and space.

And then there’s—with whom and how?

It takes a special kind of chosen family friend to empathetically listen without caresplaining.1

Willingly and empathetically accepting the full brunt of the rollercoaster-ing emotions is a special kind of gift..and dare I say, skill. THIS is one of the most precious gifts to a caregiver—quality time, space and heartfelt, meaningful connection—openness to receive without question or statement—accepting the words without necessarily understanding it all. Being present. Not solving, sound boarding.

How do I know this? I’m blessed with chosen family friends who have become experts at this. They rode parts of the rollercoaster with me in the cart, stopping me from falling out or catching me before I could fall further.

And yet, even with them, I’m still sensitive about transmitting the dark-grief cloud onto their plate.

I think we’ve evolved an unspoken friend rule, a commitment to tell each other if something is very wrong and whether we need suggestions/advice or not. Ahhh, we’ve developed a ‘checks and red flags’ system with mutual accountability irrespective of our burdens BUT we’re not trying to balance the books. Less accounting of actions and more feeling of the quality and meaning. After all, friendship is a journey of meaningful connection, another form of caregiving.

Can you empathetically sit in pain with a caregiver without trying to fix things or ask them to explain what they’re going through?

My advice is to take your cue from the caregiver. If a caregiver starts sharing…think about how much of an honour it must be—you are among the chosen few! The choice is not made lightly.

A summary of my caregiving rollercoaster: After a career climbing the corporate ladder, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015. Congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were destabilised, and Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia after the hospitalisation. (Read a Prelude to Caregiving for more details).

Early in 2016, Dad started to pee rosé and was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Exacerbating his existing unstable health issues and tipping the rollercoaster into another loop-the-loop. He had his first bladder transection operation, and over the following year, the plateaus of the stable-calm routine became shorter and shorter.

I stepped away from work for the maximum time I could take—from November 2015 to 2016. I rode the rollercoaster of caregiving, stretched my emotional capabilities beyond what I thought was possible, and tried to decipher what to do next. Fear and adrenalin are potent stimuli.

I returned for six months and then, after much flip-flopping, resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017.

From June 1st, 2017, my number one priority became my parents. The head-heart-gut decision was made. (Click the link to read the poem that affirmed my decision and became my new anchor). Then, living the choice started.

Corporate to Carer was not an easy path to walk, when I felt like I’d been flying high. But, as I repeatedly had to remind my parents, ‘I’m grateful and feel blessed, because out of this painful twist of circumstance, I was ’Liberated of career chains, and life’s conditioned state’; I was painfully awake.

Excerpt from ‘Head-Heart-Gut Aligned’ By Victoria

When the world comes knocking on your door, cracking you to attention
Avoid the paranoid thoughts, fears linked to past-contexts, expectations and perceptions 
Open that door with excited anticipation...comforted by all you’ve learnt, & what's emerging 
You’re Liberated of career chains, and life’s conditioned state
you're already armed, primed for this - 
so 'GO On, escape!

Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment for Mum’s cancer.

The individuality of each Carer’s Rollercoaster

Every rollercoaster is different because every human is different.

The only constant was knowing that nothing was within my control and everything was unpredictable.

Humaning is hard to accept when you realise how much suffering is involved—suffering that’s not only about how you manage to navigate yourself through it. But also about how you have to watch loved ones suffer. Humaning hurts.

My saving grace has been my nerdy curiosity to try and figure myself out, my reading and research to discover fresh insights, and my thirst to explore and learn from others, academics and those with lived experience. Connecting and talking while rollercoaster-ing is a must-do!23

These are some of the questions that I wrote when we were caring for Dad:

• Why? Why do I feel this way?

• How do others manage, navigate, and get through this?

• This is not about grit and grind; it’s not only about resilience. There’s so much more. We need to find a way to be proactive and prepare ourselves!

• How do people sustain themselves and their identity beyond being carer?

• How can we help ourselves more? How can we struggle less so that we’re not working against ourselves, compounding our emotions with worry about our emotions…. when there’s already so much we have to deal with?

Do these resonate with your questions at the start of your caregiving rollercoaster?

What other questions did you have or do you have now?

I’ll share thoughts about these questions and more about caregiving this month… when I have more energy and sleep!

You can read more about why I write and publish Carer Mentor here.

Resources: iCARE Stack section & Index For the Caregiver

The first-anniversary goal was this new iCARE section. The aim was to have a go-to section where readers could find empathy and inspiration, resonance with their experience and new connections.

Click the button to explore the different indexes and anthologies

iCARE STACK

This index for the Caregiver offers the information, research, and insights I’ve discovered and will grow.

The Caregiver’s toolbox leverages the research of experts like Dr Susan David, who wrote ‘Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life’.

How did your rollercoaster start?

If you have an article/poem or other contribution you’d like to share with other caregivers, please let me know in the comments. I welcome all contributions. Every experience offers new insights into being a carer.

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The short-version facts of my caregiving story! After a career climbing the corporate ladder, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015: congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were compounded with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and then bladder cancer.

I stepped away from work for a year, returned for six months, and then resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017. In 2016, my father had his first bladder transection operation, and over the following year, the plateaus of the stable-calm routine became shorter and shorter.

Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment for Mum’s cancer.

You can read more about why I write and publish Carer Mentor here

Dear Readers,

For me, October in the UK was a very long month. In fact, the first week was just one very long day, given that my Mum was hospitalised with COVID and pneumonia.

Advocating for a loved one in the hospital is NOT the kind of adrenalin rush I seek out; it is always a nightmare. I can never be ‘just the concerned daughter’. I have to be the spokesperson, advocate, influencer, champion, protector and careful persuader.

Hospital admission is much worse than caregiving at home in the UK because nothing is within your control, and your loved one is beholden to the attention/or lack of attention from others.

KEY TIPS:

1. Take the names of every nurse, healthcare assistant and doctor to personalise the interactions. Emotional connections instil greater attention.

2. Identify when shift changes happen. Actions, reminders and requests can easily be missed at handover. It may irritate you to discover that handovers happen just before visiting hours.

Today’s health system is conditioning family/friend-caregivers to be unpaid, untrained medics. There is no alternative to navigating a medical crisis. We must compartmentalise personal feelings to ensure our loved one is seen and heard correctly when they cannot advocate for themselves…in our case, my mother had a febrile fever and was unable to say anything coherently.

For all these reasons (and more!!), following Carer Mentor’s first anniversary in October, the November articles series is For the Caregivers. It neatly coincides with the US National Family Caregiver’s Month.

If I lived in the US, I’d vote for Madam VP Kamala Harris. She knows. She understands.

There are many articles in this month’s series.

There is an Open invitation to write and share a Caregiver story—your own or a tribute to someone else. This is not about the acts of caregiving but about the caregiver.

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article to guide others to this article and this month’s series!

November is National Family Caregivers Month

[Click on the image above to read President Biden’s Proclamation]

From the Caregivers Action Network (CAN)

National Family Caregivers Month – celebrated each November — is a time to recognize and honor family caregivers across the country.

Celebrating Family Caregivers during National Family Caregivers Month enables all of us to:

• Raise awareness of family caregiver issues

• Celebrate the efforts of family caregivers

• Educate family caregivers about self-identification

• Increase support for family caregivers

• Reduce feelings of isolation

Caregiver Action Network is the organization that chooses how to celebrate National Family Caregivers Month annually and spearheads the celebration of NFC Month nationally.

Caregiver Action Network (the National Family Caregivers Association) began promoting national recognition of family caregivers in 1994. President Clinton signed the first NFC Month Presidential Proclamation in 1997

An excerpt from the proclamation:

‘Family caregivers are the backbone of our Nation, making tremendous sacrifices to be there for the people who need and cherish them most. This month, we honor their selfless love and courage, and we recommit to getting them the support they deserve. They should know their country has their backs.

For far too long, the cost of care in this country has been too high. Today, millions of Americans are part of the so-called sandwich generation, caring for both young kids and aging parents at the same time. Too many families struggle to afford help, spending their own retirement savings to pay for the care of their loved ones or quitting their own jobs to stay home and provide it themselves. Most often, it is women who bear the brunt of care work. And the pay for professional care workers is far too low.’

Madam Vice President Kamala Harris Oct 31, 2024

#KamalaHarris #Harris2024 #shorts

‘I cooked her meals and found little things that put a smile on her face. It was about love and dignity. Here’s how, as president, I will ensure more of our seniors can live life with dignity.’

Don’t miss listening to her interview with Brené Brown,published October 28th.

As my friend said in her note ‘I believe we are going to win, but I also believe it would be devastating for women and our country if Kamala Harris is not given the chance to lead us.’

In November, I’ll share more resources, references and support tips for Caregivers, ‘unpaid carers’ (as we’re labelled here in the UK). Placing the focus and spotlight on us.

P.S. A small personal note, I’m not looking for accolades, awards or clapping. I’m simply hoping to share empathy and inspiration with other caregivers, but also any reader who loves someone. Because if you love someone, you will be caring for someone—there are many forms of caregiving, some you’re probably already doing. Let’s share our experiences of being a caregiver this month. xo

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Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

I’m reimagining what’s possible when we shift our mindsets and practice emotional agility, and what if we could teach this to children, too?

Summary

Professor Carol Dweck's research and video below emphasise the power of a "growth mindset," highlighting that abilities can be developed through hard work and learning. Contrary to a "fixed mindset," which assumes that abilities are static, a growth mindset fosters resilience, openness to new experiences, and a willingness to take risks. It comes from shifting perceptions of personal traits. People with a growth mindset are less interested in appraising supposedly unchanging characteristics—IQ, musical aptitude, physical gifts, etc.—and more interested in how skills can be cultivated and improved through practice. This mindset can lead to increased creativity, entrepreneurial spirit, and success.

A summary of Dr Susan David’s article and her simple exercise shows us how to cultivate a growth mindset.

Professor Carol Dweck’s Profile

Carol S. Dweck is a leading researcher in the field of motivation and is the Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology at Stanford. Her research focuses on why students succeed and how to foster their success. More specifically, her work has demonstrated the role of mindsets in success and has shown how praise for intelligence can undermine students’ motivation and learning. She has also held professorships at and Columbia and Harvard Universities, lectured to education, business, and sports groups worldwide, and has been elected to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences and the National Academy of Sciences. She won the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award from the American Psychological Association, one of the highest awards in Psychology, as well as six other lifetime achievement awards. Her bestselling book Mindset (published by Random House) has been widely acclaimed and has been translated into over 20 languages.

Prof. Carol Dweck’s Standford Alumni Presentation (Oct 9, 2014)

A summary of the video

The power of mindset, specifically the 'growth mindset', can be transformative in education, personal development, and virtually every aspect of life. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck developed the concept of the growth mindset theory. It reimagines how we think about success and the potential for growth and learning.

A growth mindset is the belief that our abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication, hard work, and a love of learning. Professor Dweck's research shows that when individuals embrace a growth mindset, they are more resilient in the face of failure, more motivated to take on challenges, and, ultimately, more successful.

Consider the power of "yet", a simple concept at the core of the growth mindset. When students in a Chicago high school didn't pass, they were awarded the grade "not yet", which meant that while they haven't grasped the material now, they’re on a learning curve and have the potential to improve. This approach instills hope and promotes a focus on growth and improvement rather than a final, unchangeable grade.

Brain scans can show these different mindsets! When students with a fixed mindset encounter an error, their brains look unchanged and dull. In contrast, the brains of students with a growth mindset are active, ‘alight with processing the error, learning from it, and correcting it.

How we raise our children and educate our students can significantly influence their mindsets. Prraising children for their effort, strategy—‘how they figure things out’—focus, and perseverance, rather than their inherent intelligence or talent, fosters a growth mindset. This encourages children to seek challenges and resilience, key elements for long-term success.

Even the language we use can affect our mindset. Using "yet" or "not yet" when a student encounters a setback can give them confidence and encourage persistence.

Professor Dweck has shown that the growth mindset can be taught directly. In one study, students were taught that every time they push out of their comfort zone to learn something hard and stick to it, their brains form new, stronger connections, and over time, they can become smarter.

Adopting a growth mindset can lead to increases in grade performance, especially among struggling students, and it has the potential to narrow achievement gaps. When educators foster a culture and environment of a growth mindset, equality can can happen, and all students have opportunities to succeed.

The growth mindset is not just about academic achievement. It's about understanding that we have the potential to learn, grow, and improve throughout our lives. It's about knowing that difficulties and setbacks are not indicative of a lack of ability, but rather stepping stones on the path of improvement. The more we understand that our abilities can be grown, the more it becomes a basic human right to live in environments that create that growth, environments filled to the brim with "yet". Full of hope and potential.

Click on the image to go to Amazon.com.

Cultivating a Growth Mindset by Susan David (January 31, 2023)

Key points taken from the article (click on the title above)

• How would you describe yourself to a stranger - list a few traits?

• Whatever traits you listed, there’s a high likelihood that you view them as being more or less permanent. These attributes are what they are. Gifts? Weaknesses? Are we born smart? Talented? Everyone sees themselves or the world through a fixed mindset. 

• ​People with a “growth mindset” believe their important qualities can be profoundly improved through learning and effort. 

• They are less interested in appraising supposedly unchanging characteristics—IQ, musical aptitude, physical gifts, etc.—and more interested in how skills can be cultivated.

• The growth mindset conceptualises success as deriving from what you do rather than who you are.

• People with a growth mindset are more open to new experiences, more willing to take risks, and more resilient when faced with failure. 

• A fixed mindset makes it scary to take chances; any failure becomes a referendum on one’s core identity.

• The growth mindset offers a more fluid approach, where failure becomes a chance to acquire new insights rather than a judgment on one’s true self.

• People with a growth mindset tend to be more creative, entrepreneurial, and successful.

Dr Susan David’s simple exercise to cultivate a ‘Growth Mindset’.

One feature of the growth mindset is that it can be learned. Just because you currently favour a fixed mindset doesn’t mean you can’t move toward one of growth. The process starts with questioning your assumptions about yourself and the world.

​First, think of a trait you dislike about yourself. It could be anything in your professional or personal life that you see as a shortcoming. As an example, let’s say you believe that you’re meek and that colleagues regularly take advantage of your timidity.​

​Now, try shifting from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. It’s not that you’re a meek person while others in the office are naturally commanding. You’re just out of practice when it comes to asserting yourself—you can get better with practice!

Consider how this new mindset can shape your behavior going forward. What steps can you take to gradually build up your assertiveness? You don’t need to start big.

It could be as simple as letting your coworkers know that you’re burnt out on the doughnuts at the weekly all-hands meeting—and to suggest that , this week, the office might order from your favorite bagel place instead!

When we come to understand ourselves as the accumulation of actions rather than as an immutable list of characteristics, the world suddenly becomes malleable. 

A personal note:

With a growth mindset, we become more agile, and the world becomes full of potential. I’ve often discovered that it’s not only what we improve/learn but also how we learn.

Alternative ways to learn:

• A different medium or format to digest new information, e.g. audio or visual. Think how apps have changed how we learn a language. What makes learning easier/more manageable/more enjoyable for you? What works best for you?

• New sources of information and skills, not just new books or courses but also learning through others, e.g., reverse mentoring or intergenerational groups. When did you last talk to someone a decade older or younger than yourself, with an open curiosity to learn something from them?

A last word

James Rhee is an inspiring example of a growth mindset and emotional agility. He resigned from a ‘safe’ job in finance, i.e. what he knew, to be the CEO of Ashley Stewart, a fashion company. He learnt from his team and developed a culture of kindness that aligned with his core values. When you listen to his TED talk, it’s clear he had to pivot his actions and plans several times. By embracing a growth mindset and having courage, the company, investors and customers made choices that ‘walked their why’ and delivered value.

Other articles about Growth Mindset and Emotional Agility.

Ageing Well News: How About Mindset. Does It Play A Role?

Mandy's Story Mindset In Action!

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Carer Mentor by Victoria is free to read. If you have the means and would like to support the publication, I welcome monthly (£6) and annual (£50) subscriptions. Thank you for your ongoing support.

Subscribe now

Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

In short, after a career climbing the corporate ladder and 18 relocations across 10 countries, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015: congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were compounded with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and then bladder cancer.

I stepped away from work for a year, returned for six months, and then resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017 (Belgium has medical leave as part of their employment law1). Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment of two separate primary cancers for Mum.

Today, we count our blessings and greatly appreciate monotony, small moments, and SLEEP. As every cancer patient and caregiver knows, you never really leave or get out of the ‘cancer’ rollercoaster, especially on targeted therapy.

A July-August Series Summary

Over the last couple of months, I shared two series. These two series offer experts’ research, resources and my personal reflections through a caregiver’s lens:

• The July series was about articulating Your Values Compass (3 articles)

  Articulating your core values can give you a better sense of what matters most to you in a very tangible way. Whether untethered, distracted, or in a whirlwind, you can confidently anchor back to your values when faced with life questions.

• The August series has been about Walking your Why (4 articles)

These were comprised of articles focused on our self-development and inner thoughts.

The Mind the Gap. Build a Bridge article. and Walking your Why: Mind the Gap recap!' Checkpoints and a Cool Tool! shifts that focus to a more outward-facing perspective, how we think beyond ourselves to interact/advocate for others.

Interacting and being with others is a species activity and part of our shared humanity, but are we building bridges or expecting the other person to align with our way of thinking?

What default assumptions and expectations are we holding?

The second article has an interactive Culture Comparison tool that compares different countries across Geert Hofstede’s2 six cultural dimensions.

Culture is just one of the infinite number of reference points that can lead us to misalign or disconnect our communications or attempts to understand each other.

Mindful curiosity can help us assess our understanding of potential interpersonal gaps and adapt how we build bridges to connect with others.

Today’s article WAS going to explore more of these potential disconnects.

Mind the Gap. Build a Bridge.

Build a Bridge but miss the mark.

But instead, today is a brain rest day.

It’s not a do nothing, sit on the sofa and read day (a caregiver’s respite time).

Today, I’ll be focusing on actions that require fewer brain cells. Not completely mind-less, but less mind-FULL. There are many of those on the ‘to-do’ list.

Yesterday, I used up excessive brain energy, mindful curiosity, and my empathic radar to resolve a mismatch in medication administration regimens (how long off, on, which one, why, check blood, when, why, questioning, reminding, pushing, checking…)

Many phone calls, coordination, waiting for callbacks, recalibrations, and an unexpected consult. Plus, of course, folks like to call back just after their lunchtime, and for us, that means several calls simultaneously.

So, I’m taking a day off to allow my brain to recoup. Don’t worry; things are fine.

Our version of ‘normal’ includes a much higher baseline of communication and coordination than most, even in these calmer days. Imagine what it was like during Dad’s palliative care with unstable congestive heart failure, rheumatoid arthritis and bladder cancer, and his cocktail of pills 2-3 times a day!

If you’re in the middle of those kinds of days, here are the previous articles I wrote with resources:

• Resource: Managing the Mental Load. Understanding and Enabling Yourself.

• 'Moving your inner voices out' Mental Health Awareness (UK 13-19th May)

• 'Are you fluent in 'Caregiver?'' Conversational language tips from people in the know.

• Quote: Viktor Frankl's Between stimulus and Response.

So, in true ‘carer-unpredictability-style’, I’m pivoting my time to cover the essential, no-brainer to-dos on our house list and free-my-brain space. Call it a de-funk time, but with funky music.

I have a general thought to share: Part of me would LOVE to rehash, vent, and write it all out to you, but the caregiver in me has no time or energy to spare for that.

I journal and take time to debrief myself, especially when frustrations and anger arise. However, I feel like my time is SO precious I don’t want to rehash what’s done or give it any more of me. Do you feel like that sometimes?

So, today, I’m sharing some music—some old favourites. These tracks are mood switches or empathisers. What music do you use for comfort and brain-switching?

A simple ask today.

Give yourself some grace, allow your brain to calm, recoup and give it some music xo

Take care, dear ones. Be kind to yourself. We are ALL worth it and deserve to give ourselves a hug.

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Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

The previous Walking Your Why article was packed with information.

‘Mind the Gap. Build a Bridge.’ Building awareness. Mindfully Showing up for Others.

It focused on thinking beyond ourselves:

Interacting and being with others is a species activity and part of our shared humanity, but are we building bridges or expecting the other person to align with our way of thinking?

What default assumptions and expectations are we holding?

A Recap of Mind the Gap checklists and an introduction to a tool to compare country's cultures.

1. The Mind the Gap Checklists.

2. What bridge and where?

3. The Culture Factor: The Country Comparison Tool

1. The Mind the Gap Checklists

A. Prompts I’ve found meaningful for me.

• Am I the architect of my own experience or defaulting to others?

• What is the basis for my assumptions?

• Am I judging based on feelings (emotion perception) or evidence-based facts?

• Am I anchoring to my values? What and why?

• Or, am I abdicating responsibility to someone or something else?

B. What are our communication intentions

• How can I communicate for the benefit of others rather than for my voice to be heard?

• Am I seeking recognition, to be seen and heard, speaking up for myself? Am I advocating for others?

• How can we help someone receive the message in the best way so that the receiver can understand it? Or am I trying to hammer our message and hope it gets across?

• Are we communicating and connecting to prove something or to share something?

• How can I reframe and adapt my communication to my audience?

Two experts whose research and publications offer solid base-reference points to build your cultural awareness and understanding.

• Geert Hofstede1 and his Cultural Dimension’s Theory (Published 1980, based on surveys in the 1960s and 1970s)

• Erin Meyer2 , who wrote ‘The Culture Map’ (Published 2014)

C. Cultural awareness

• Am I staying curious and informed about different cultures?

• Am I aware of how they compare relative to each other?

D. Your Audience

• Am I being understood? Do I understand my audience?

• Am I more low context (explicit) communication-culture or high context (implicit)?

  • Low context cultures present: I tell you what I’m going to tell you, then I tell you, and then I tell you what I’ve told you.

  • High context cultures assume a much greater, shared context. It’s multilayered and more implicit in it’s communication. There are higher expectations that the receiver uses all their senses to understand the meaning of what’s being communicated.

• Is my audience/connection more low or high context?

• Can I ask some general non-personal questions to figure out how to optimise my communication with them?

Where are your gaps? Can you start finding or building a bridge?

2. What bridge and where?

Thinking of the bridge metaphor. If you’re clear on the gap, are you sure about the type of bridge and how you’re constructing it to connect with someone?

Imagine two people committed to connecting. They live in different countries and communicate in different ways. Will the bridges meet or misalign?

Each of us is different, and the world is more diverse and smaller. I believe we don’t need to construct the bridge exactly the same way. Instead, we can curiously give each other space to recalibrate, empathetically share our intentions, communicate, and check our direction and path so our bridges of communication meet.

Agility and recalibrating for the greater good feels easier, natural and free-flowing instead of holding on tightly to a dogma.

The key is never to assume there is ‘one way’ to communicate or a ‘right way. Cadence, content, style, low context, and high context are just a few variables in our communication bridges.

Sometimes, a word in English is simply not translatable to another language. Culture and history have evolved idioms and metaphors in every language.

Here’s a tool that you can play with to learn more. I use this with all my mentoring clients.

3. The Culture Factor: The Country Comparison Tool

If you like interactive tools, you’ll love this one. CLICK HERE

Based on Geert Hofstede’s Cultural Dimensions Theory, Data from more recent studies3 This website offers a free-tool and information for cultural comparisons.

The Culture Factor’s definition of culture:

We define culture as the collective mental programming of the human mind distinguishing one group of people from another. This programming influences patterns of thinking which are reflected in the meaning people attach to various aspects of life and which become crystallised in the institutions of a society.

Culture does not imply that everyone in a given society is programmed in the same way; differences among the values of individuals in one country tend to be bigger than the value differences between countries. Nevertheless, we can still use such country scores based on the law of the big numbers and on the fact that most of us are strongly influenced by social control. Please realise that statements about countries are generalisations and should be interpreted relative to other countries. Only by comparison a country score is meaningful.

Disclaimer: I’m not seeking compensation or profit by presenting this information. I highly recommend the website as the source of reference, and I appreciate the work done to keep this source freely available and up to date with new studies.

You can choose up to 4 countries for comparison. Go and Play ;-)

In the search bar on the website, I chose to look at France, Malaysia, UK and the USA.

Why those four? My second language is French and I’m very francophile. My parents were born in Malaysia, and my grandparents were born in China. I was born in the UK, and my mentoring business clients are mainly based in the USA.

This graph takes each dimension and offers insights per country. In the website, each dimension has specific information assigned to it. Here is the data on Power Distance

This dimension deals with the fact that all individuals in societies are not equal - it expresses the attitude of the culture towards these inequalities amongst us. Power Distance is defined as the extent to which the less powerful members of institutions and organisations within a country expect and accept that power is distributed unequally.

I’d love to hear what you’ve learnt from using the tool.

In CAPS, state the countries you chose to compare and share one or two learnings.

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Welcome to our new Carer Mentor community members!

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

In short, after a career climbing the corporate ladder and 18 relocations across 10 countries, I made a head-heart-gut-aligned decision to help my Mum care for my Dad. He had a litany of health issues that were destabilised by a major hospitalisation in 2015: congestive heart failure and rheumatoid arthritis were compounded with a diagnosis of vascular dementia and then bladder cancer.

I stepped away from work for a year, returned for six months, and then resigned from the ‘big’ corporate job in 2017 (Belgium has medical leave as part of their employment law1). Dad passed in January 2020. Shortly after his funeral, we moved to another rollercoaster— treatment of two separate primary cancers for Mum.

Today, we count our blessings and greatly appreciate monotony, small moments, and SLEEP. As every cancer patient and caregiver knows, you never really leave or get out of the ‘cancer’ rollercoaster, especially on targeted therapy.

This Walking Your Why article focuses on how we can think beyond ourselves.

Self-awareness and self-development are perhaps more comfortable to focus on because we can exert agency and control on how we approach our personal growth.

When we interact with others and try to be understood, it’s messier, outside our control, and much less predictable. However, we can choose how we want to show up for others and interact. By defining our intentions, we’re more mindfully choosing how we want to be seen and received.

It may sound obvious, but do we give enough time to decipher others' context and personal reference points?

Interacting and being with others is a species activity and part of our shared humanity, but are we building bridges or expecting the other person to align with our way of thinking?

What default assumptions and expectations are we holding?

Personal biases, social conditioning, and emotional perception.

We each have biases and social conditioning. Some we know, others are unconscious parts we’ve absorbed as knowledge over time. These can easily play out in our actions, especially when rushing into thought-less action.

The more space and time we can give our brain’s executive functioning to kick in, the more thought-full and mindful we can be. We can pinpoint facts, search for context, and even ask ourselves or others curious, open questions.

Prof Lisa Feldman Barretts’ work2 opened my mind and eyes to the ‘Matrix-ness’ of our world. (Keanu Reeves The Matrix movie ref) and social constructs.

Here are three articles I wrote highlighting Professor Feldman Barrett’s work.

• ‘Emotion Perception’ 'How do we construct emotions?' 3 videos by Professor Lisa Feldman Barrett. (Part 1). Important messages are worth repeating

Why is understanding the true nature of emotion so important? And why is it important to distinguish it from Emotion perception?

The science of emotion started with human experience it feels like emotions happen to you that you react to something that something in the world triggers a little circuit inside your brain but the true nature and complexity of emotion is much more fascinating than our own experience lets on.

Under the hood, emotions are not built into your brain from birth. They are built by your brain in specific situations from a set of basic ingredients.

You have a predicting brain, a body that causes you to feel affect, and a set of shared ‘Concepts’ that are absorbed into your brain as it develops throughout your lifetime.

• 'What influences Brain predictions?' and how can we build better predictions? Solving for unpredictability as a caregiver. (Part 3)

• 'What is social reality?' What social constructs frame our lives and influence us? (Part 5)

‘Mind the gap’ Checklist 1. Prompts I’ve found meaningful for me.

• Am I the architect of my own experience or defaulting to others?

• What is the basis for my assumptions?

• Am I judging based on feelings (emotion perception) or evidence-based facts?

• Am I anchoring to my values? What and why?

• Or, am I abdicating responsibility to someone or something else?

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Cultural Awareness of others

It’s one thing to improve ourselves—our self-awareness, self-development, and growth—but humans are hard-wired for connection and belonging, so we need to figure out how to connect with others.

Expanding our understanding of others is as essential as developing our self-awareness—a lifelong journey!

Now that the world has become smaller in terms of communication and connection, thanks to tech innovations, travel, and migration, we have more contact with people we may perceive as different. There is no right or wrong. In the end, we are ALL different, and so we’re all the same. Perhaps it’s better just to think of ‘others’ as anyone who’s not yourself!

This way, we’re not focused on differences. Instead, we’re curiously learning how to connect better with others.

‘Mind the gap’ Checklist 2. What are the intentions of our communication

• How can we communicate for the benefit of others rather than for my voice to be heard or to have a visible presence?

• How can we help someone receive the message in the best way so that the receiver can understand it? Or are we trying to hammer our message and hope it gets across?

• Are we communicating and connecting to prove something or to share something?

Two experts whose research and publications offer solid base-reference points to build your cultural awareness and understanding.

• Geert Hofstede3 and his Cultural Dimension’s Theory (Published 1980, based on surveys in the 1960s and 1970s)

• Erin Meyer4 , who wrote ‘The Culture Map’ (Published 2014)

The insights are built in different socioeconomic eras when cultural dynamics, infrastructure and social policies were different.

It’s always worthwhile checking the source, data referenced and its context!

What is Hofstede’s Cultural Dimensions Theory?

Here’s a link to the Mindtools Article about Hofstede’s work: Hofstede's Cultural Dimensions Understanding Different Countries

Psychologist Dr. Geert Hofstede published his cultural dimensions model at the end of the 1970s, based on a decade of research. Since then, it's become an internationally recognized standard for understanding cultural differences.

Hofstede studied people who worked for IBM in more than 50 countries. Initially, he identified four dimensions that could distinguish one culture from another. Later, he added fifth and sixth dimensions, in cooperation with Drs Michael H. Bond and Michael Minkov. These are:

1. Power Distance Index (high versus low).

2. Individualism Versus Collectivism.

3. Masculinity Versus Femininity.

4. Uncertainty Avoidance Index (high versus low).

5. Long- Versus Short-Term Orientation.

6. Indulgence Versus Restraint.

Note: in the original version of the book "Long- Versus Short-Term Orientation" was described as "Pragmatic Versus Normative."

‘Mind the Gap’ Checklist 3: 20th century Cultural awareness

• Are we staying curious and informed about different cultures?

• Are we aware of how they compare relative to each other?

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The Culture Map: a Framework of Cultural Context by Erin Meyer

This is a great summary of her work by THNK School of Leadership (Aug 21, 2021)

Here is a good summary of the transcript on the YouTube site

I highly recommend her book. Clicking on the image will take you to my affiliate Bookshop site.

Erin Meyers work has helped me to orient my communication and team dynamics towards the needs of the individual. Everybody is unique, and no one likes sweeping generalisations or stereotypes, but here’s an example of cultural awareness in action.

Erin Presenting to the Valiant Group on Low vs High Context Cultures. (May 23, 2014)

Just under 4 minutes, it’s worth watching!

‘Mind the Gap’ Checklist 4: Your Audience

• Are you really being understood? Do you understand your audience?

• Are you more low context (explicit) communication-culture or high context (implicit)?

• Low context cultures present: Tell you what I’m going to tell you, then I tell you, then I tell you what I’ve told you.

• High context cultures assume a much greater, shared context. It’s multilayered and more implicit in it’s communication. There are higher expectations that the receiver uses all their senses to understand the meaning of what’s being communicated.

• Where and who is your audience when you’re connecting (in text, phone, zoom, in person)?

The Pyramid structure of organisations will be replaced by the Tree

This is one of my favourite snapshot concepts of organisational development and behaviour.

Nordic Business Forum on Linkedin Erin Meyer at Oslo Business Forum 2021 (1 minute 46 seconds)

Watch out for

• 0.20 timestamp: The future of organisations, the pyramid is going to be replaced

• 0.30 timestamp. when she’s highlighting the future of a ‘Tree’ like decision making structure that enables Flexibility, Agility and attracts Top Talent.

‘Mind the Gap’ Checklist 5: Your ability to inspire and empower decision making where it matters

• Are you enabling and empowering or are you creating a bottleneck and centralised decision making?

• How are you inspiring innovation?

  Summary

Walking our why is not only about how we get clear about what matters; our values. For me, it’s also about how we choose to show up for others—our intentions.

I would recommend considering how your actions, your communication and those you are connecting with are receiving your connection, your energy and your expectations (high or low context).

You may be wondering how this applies in my caregiver context. In short, the same way I adapted my messages in presentations, I adapt my words and style with all the different people I interface with. Doctors, admin, pharmacies, charities, caregivers, my loved ones, older generation family, younger generation family (English, Chinese), my close friends (German, Swiss, English, American, French, Scottish) through the vascular dementia of my father, through the pain of chemo infusions with my Mum.

Every connection, I have to find a different bridge. A way of communicating that helps me to meet them where THEY are, so that I’m understood in their context.

Often, I have to move more steps forward than the other person to close the gap.

This is what EVERY caregiver goes through, and explains another piece of their exhaustion and frustration, trying to be understood. Pivot, shift, step. the never ending dance to adapt is not exactly a calm waltz.

For me, I can put my corporate management and leadership training to good use. However, even with training, the pressure and burden of being the one pivoting all the time can drive me crazy. Imagine what it’s like when you have no training, going through a health crisis of a loved one and have to interface with numerous people and systems.

I count our blessings and have immense gratitude for the strong bridges that we’ve built with oncologists, specialist liaison nurses, medics over time. We’re also clear who our go-to tradesmen are! This is not just about identifying your go-to friends.

In fact, some friends who say ‘just call me and I’ll be there’, may not be the hands on support they claim to be. Some early bridges could have landmines underneath them!

Where are your gaps? Can you start finding or building a bridge?

I hope I can help you, enable yourself with more tools to find or build your own bridges, or team up with others in your community to make those bridges work!

Together, we can be heard. Together we can be understood and make things happen.

Please ‘❤️’ LIKE the article.

I hope you’ll subscribe if you haven’t already done so.

More importantly I hope you will recommend Carer Mentor to other readers, so that the resources I’m sharing can reach those who need it.

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