Dear Readers, Welcome!

A big hug, I see you. Life has grown around my grief, but in the calm, less stressful periods of life, there are sudden waves that consume me.

Grief was relegated and boxed when I moved from one rollercoaster to another. So now, it tends to erupt and break free.

What happens when grief for one person is smothered by the need to care for another? Containing grief through surgery, healing, chemo-, radiotherapy and administering probate. It’s like an intermittent howl, muted. You know it’s lurking, powerless, unsure when it jumps you.

And yet, in the most unlikely place - ‘Wandavision’ the Marvel TV series, something clicked and resonated.

This anthology is one of many I’m producing to leverage our community’s diverse experience. This way, we can support each other and new readers with Empathy and Inspiration.

I’m not a ‘Grief’ or bereavement expert, so I seek out the expertise of others to hear from those trained to counsel, support and offer resources about grief.

Many writers/authors/creators on this platform, Substack, share their bereavement and grief experiences. Although it may not be the primary focus of their publication, they share their personal story and insights.

[Please let me know if you see any mistakes via DM or vlchin@carermentor.com Thanks!]

I hope these real-life experiences that resonated with pieces of my journey will resonate with you.

I hope readers will explore the directory of publications for other articles.

If you have a personal recommendation for a resource, book, organisation or article, please share the URL in the comments.

This page will evolve on the Carer Mentor website. Please bookmark this page for future reference and share it to help others.

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Articles by Victoria at Carer Mentor

‘Grief is messy. It’s not a tidy five-stage path.’ Shankar Vedantam's interview of Lucy Hone offers us a broader context to her resilience research work and how she leverage her own work to navigate the grief of losing her daughter. Lucy Hone’s book is Resilient Grieving. This is NOT about ‘toxic-positivity’ grit or pushing through feelings. It’s about having practical, realistic actions as enablers.

I exhaled deeply when I found Megan Devine’s work. I share her ‘Refuge in Grief’ Website & Book in this article. Resource: Megan Devine's 'How do you help a grieving friend?' Megan Devine’s book is ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK.’ Something we ALL need to hear!

Personal Reflection & Resources: life grows around grief.

Poem: Echoes in the Walls

Personal Reflection: Grief is love persevering

The Wandavision of Grief

Directory of the Authors | Writers | Publications included.

Recent additions are highlighted in bold, italic

• Kristina Adams Waldorf, MD at After He Said Cancer.

• Madeleine Alice writes Evergrief

• Alexis Alicea at who writes

• Anne at The Future Widow

• Sarah Bain at

• Dina Bell-Laroche at The Grieving Place. Stories of Love and Loss

• Amy Brown at Living in 3D: Divorce, Dementia and Destiny

• Leann Burch at Leann Burch Writing

• Nick Clanton at Your Magnetic Heart

• Sarah Coomber at Sandwich Season.

• Jackie Daly at Creative Seasoning

• Jody Day at Gateway Elderwomen.

• Janine De Tillio Cammarata at The Pause Place

• Anna De La Cruz at GenXandwich

• Beverley Dickson at Cinquain poems

• Anna Du Pen at Betwixt & Between Proxy.

• Sue Fagalde Lick at Can I Do It Alone

• Jenna Folarin at

• Hannah Franco-Isaacs at Letters from the Sandwich Generation

• Mariah Friend at Heartbeats

• Dana Frost at I’m Fine (& Other Lies)

• Susan Fusco-Fazio at Blue Sunflower

• Amy Gabrielle at Amy Gabrielle’s Substack

• Laurita Gorman | MSW SEP at Wildly Unraveled.

• Ramona Grigg at Constant Commoner

• Amber Groomes,Ph.D. at Dr. Amber_Writes.

• Nici Harrison at Grief Balm a duet of wonder and grief

• Tina Hedin at Letters from Turkey Town

• Amanda B. Hinton at The Editing Spectrum

• CJ Infantino at [re]dacted

• Pam Johnston at The Middler

• Kelly - Mothers Never Give Up at Melodies of Courage

• Elizabeth Kopple at Elizabeth Kopple

• Danusia Malina-Derben at Parents Who Think.

• Sally McQuillen at Life is honestly so beautiful

• Jeannie Moloo at

• David Murray at

• Sasha Neal at

• Jessica Nordell at Who We Are To Each Other

• Larry Patten at

• Lily Pond at Lily Pond

• Jane Ratcliffe Alua Arthur and at Beyond by Jane Ratcliffe

• Mary Roblyn at Wri/ter Interrupted.

• Tahia Sherebanou Fakhri at Contemplations

• Mel Schlesinger at Loss to Living

• Bess Stillman at Everything is an Emergency.

• Bonnie Tai. at Let's Just Be

• Trevy Thomas at Our Hundred Years

• Ruhie Vaidya at From The Heart to Beyond

• Christine Vaughan Davies At Journeying Alongside

• Neena Verma at Grief Wise with Neena Verma

• Madeline Wahl at Millennial Caregivers

• Janice Walton at Aging Well Newsletter.

• Debbie Weil at [B]OLD Age with Debbie Weil

Anthology Table of Contents

Part 1: What is Grief?

• Grief is a unique experience and journey

• Finding a place to grieve

• Disenfranchised/marginalised grief

• Dos and Don’ts of supporting someone who’s grieving.

• Grief’s hardest moments

Part 2: The Personal Experiences Navigating bereavement and grief

1. Death Doula. End of Life.

2. Anticipatory Grief/Early Grief. The Long Goodbye.

3. Widow | Widower/ Grief of a Partner

4. Grief of a Parent/Parent-figure | Grandparent | Family Member | Chosen Family

5. Grief of a child, including miscarriage.

6. Grief of Furbabies | Cats | Dogs | Pets

7. Navigating grief with children

8. Grief Empathy is painful

9. Moving from ‘Private grief to Community Healing’ (phrase by

   Mariah Friend)

Part 3 Enablers | Tools

• Resources | Organisations

• Books

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Part 1

Grief is a unique experience and journey.

I recommend reading Debbie’s article and the comments. They highlight how no two experiences are the same because no two people or relationships are alike.

I appreciated Debbie’s article because many people expected me to be sobbing in grief, but I was relieved: Dad was finally released from his pain & diseased body. Then, grief was deprioritised by more caregiving and complicated by traumatic memories of falls and hospital discharges.

• Please don't say "Sorry for your loss". A complicated relationship with my dad has led to complicated grief. By

What Grief Wants From You. Step one: stop looking for the finish line by Nick Clanton offers some thoughts that resonated strongly with me.

Because more than declaring what it is you want from your grief, it’s better to wonder what your grief wants from you.

A non-exhaustive list of desires your grief may have for you:

“Your grief wants you to know it’s ok to smile, that you can laugh and grieve at the same time.”

“It wants you to figure out how to give your grief space to breathe so it doesn’t choke you.”

“You’re not failing by feeling.”

“Accept that navigating grief well does not necessarily culminate in happiness.”

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Finding a place to grieve

• The Grieving Place By

• Evergrief By Madeleine Alice

• Grief Balm a duet of wonder and grief by

• Grief Wise with Neena Verma

• The Pause Place. The Space Between Grief and HOPE By @Janine De Tillio Cammarata

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Disenfranchised / Marginalised Grief

• EverGrief: A Beginning. The who, what & why behind EverGrief. By Madeleine Alice.

  Evergrief explores the many shapes of loss, especially the ones often unseen or unspoken. Written from the lens of navigating chronic illness, this is a place for naming, remembering, and making space for the slow work of disenfranchised grief.

• This is Disenfranchised Grief. YouTube video The lost tribe of childless women by

  at TEDxHull June 2 2017.

• Grief Encounters of the Non-Death Kind On the Ambiguous Losses of caregiving By . This article resonated. I shared that ‘Grief, emotional trauma/PTSD rewired my brain. It also burned a brand/tattoo on my heart.’

• Opening our hearts and minds to everyone. Grief is an individual experience but for some they are suffocated or marginalised. Feeling suffocated? A social justice approach to grief and loss means we recognize and validate those that are cast aside. By :

  Suffocated grief is a term that she coined to acknowledge the sorrow that marginalized people may experience. Different than disenfranchised grief (Ken Doka’s beautiful work), where our sorrow isn’t acknowledged or accepted, suffocated grief speaks to the bereaved not being able to express their pain, for fear of being penalised.

• eloquently shares her betrayal grief : Grief is Fermentation, and I’m Turning into Kimchi. A look inside the jar where I spent the last few months grieving for ambiguous loss.

  the grief of the loss of an intimate partner as betrayal revealed that I had been living in a "reality" that was not real? I had to grief of the loss of my reality and the loss of a future of endless love that I had imagined. Many people have experienced this kind of loss but there isn't enough recognition in our society that we need time and people's support to go through the grieving process.

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Do’s and Don’ts of supporting someone who’s grieving

• Ultimate Grief Gift Guide. Created FOR Grievers BY Grievers By

  How do you buy a gift for someone who just lost the love of their life? Or a parent who lost a child? Or for someone recently diagnosed with cancer?

  You shift the focus of the gift.

  You don’t send a gift with the intention of eliminating their grief (you can’t). You send it as a way to say, “I acknowledge what you’re going through, this totally sucks, and I’m here.”

• Q: What are some last-minute gift ideas for a grieving person (that are meaningful but require very little effort)? ‘Like most, I’m out of time and ideas, but I still want to show up for my grieving friend in a thoughtful way
  — Late-to-the-game & desperate’ By . Thank you for this, Dana. I’ve already sent a set of 10 text messages to my friend, for him to use when needed. Much needed and greatly appreciated.

• Rethinking how we support others through grief. 6 THINGS I wish people didn't do & what we can do instead. By

• 5 Statements that are Decidedly Not Helpful. Even though we both wish they were. . .By

• How Can I Help? How Can I Hinder? By This resonates deeply. How often do we set expectations for ourselves or others. I recommend reading more of David’s reflections.

  Everyone would like to be able to communicate what appropriate support looks like, but no one, including the grieving individuals, can provide a detailed map or blueprint to follow. Grief can be overwhelming and confusing, and it can change from moment to moment. This is the challenge in understanding grief; even the grieving individual can become a mystery to themselves.

• Forewarned is Forearmed What is Wisdom? By I recommend reading the full article to understand just how obscene the comment was and to read David’s concluding wisdom beyond this quote. Thank you, David.

  For a moment, I was able to gain some objectivity and see the ridiculous nature of the statement for what it was as opposed to being drawn into my own desperate misery at the time. More importantly, my friend had given me something to protect myself with. I was forewarned and thus forearmed. It will come as no surprise that I did not see the psychiatrist again. I also learned that I would have to more carefully assess who I let close to me in both my personal and professional life. So maybe I should be thanking the psychiatrist; on second thoughts, maybe not.

• 7 Ways You Can Help Your Grieving Friend. A Shopping List. By

• Songs of Grief By :

“The song of the soul that cries can only be heard by one’s soul who has already cried.” I tell my chaplaincy students, this is the crux of why we explore their own pain, so they can more fully sit with others in their pain.

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Grief’s hardest moments

• As part of the UK National Grief Awareness Week, “has been thinking about how difficult it’s going to be to carry grief across Christmas and New Year celebrations”. In this article, she shares her grief of losing her mum last year and offers her thoughts, insights and resources for us all. Coping with Grief This Christmas - Small Things That Make A Difference. For anyone grieving this Christmas: a few things that might help.

“I’m still figuring out what will help me get through this time. I don’t believe in turning grief into something neat or inspirational. I believe in naming what’s real and sharing it in case any of it aligns with where you are now.” -

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Part 2 Navigating Bereavement and Grief

Death Doula & End of Life.

• A compassionate discussion about being a Death Doula: ‘Guided By Joy: A Conversation with Alua Arthur’. On being a death doula, empathy v. compassion, toxic self-reliance, boundaries, celebrating celebrations, and so much more! By and

• The 4 Things You Must Say Before You Die by Thank you and Brenda Hartman

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Anticipatory Grief/Early Grief. The Long Goodbye.

• Your Grief Is Real, Even If They’re Still Here By

  Most people don’t realize they are experiencing grief because their loved one is still alive. They think those crushing moments of sadness from seemingly normal life events and situations mean they’re weak or giving up on their person.

  They’re wrong.

  It’s your brain preparing for loss, and it has a name: anticipatory grief.

  The following quote from CJ’s article offers a sharp focus onto a reality few openly discuss:

  “She was dying. She needed money now.

  I was surviving. I needed money later.

  Her cancer dug a ditch between our now two goals, which were once united.

  Anticipatory grief will overwhelm you and your relationships. It will create destructive patterns in your life–when left unchecked. Unacknowledged and ignored.”

  It’s important to recognise this dynamic. I’ve seen this with friends, particularly in the US, given the cost of care and college. Everyone worries about future finances for sustaining quality care, and whatever happens ‘later.’

  Thankfully, CJ shares some practical tips and thoughts to help guide others through what he navigates, caring for his wife Ariana, who has terminal cancer.

• The Grief Before the Grief. Blessing or Burden? Understanding Anticipatory Grief By . I appreciate Christine’s ability to articulate experiences and express feelings. I highly recommend reading this. It resonated a lot with me.

  Anticipatory Grief is the preparation for a change or a loss that is about to take place. It involves all the thoughts, feelings and experiences one goes through when change is clear and inevitable.

• The impact of dementia and long term illness. The grief we feel before they’ve gone. ‘The Long Goodbye. Navigating my parents' dementia, and my brain's attempt to let it consume me.’ By

• ‘Dementia is a thief that steals from us all’. By

• The paradox of blessing-burden and grief-joy. There are so many quotes I wanted to share from this! ‘Exploring the blessings/burdens of this season. Catastrophising with my cup half full.’ By

• Widowish Sort of, but not exactly. By

  Mabel, obviously, is a widow. But when she asked me how Mike was doing, and I tried to explain the strange manifestations of Parkinson’s dementia—like the fact that Mike will sometimes talk about me in the third person, as though I’m not right there in the room with him—she nodded sympathetically.

  “It’s just so hard to lose someone you’ve loved for so much of your life,” she said.

  I nodded, grateful that she understood what I hadn’t said outright. Grateful that she was allowing me into the club of women who have lost their partners, if only for that moment.

• Kristina’s vulnerably raw memoir that shares what happens after her husband’s diagnosed with breast cancer. ‘How it Began’ By

• The beautiful writing of Bess and Jakes journey. Quote: ‘Every bonus hour has become the golden hour. We haven’t been around as long as Newgrange, but it feels like, just by getting to this solstice, we’re a monument to something. Maybe a monument to how much love can do. We’re beautiful in this light.’ ‘How the light gets in: a solstice at the border of life and death. The fire in each of us, on the shortest day of the year’ By

• Uncertainty is the state of being alive. We were certain that Jake would be dead within a few months. Then, a clinical trial drug gave us the gift of wondering: what if he lives? By

• Navigating grief in life. ‘Intentionally Building Resilience One Day at a Time’ By

• Good News! I Cry Pretty Now. Progress. . . I Guess. By

• Bearing witness to the decline and feeling the crescendo of grief. ‘When Death is Slow to Come.’ Finding Gratitude in the Midst of Pain By

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Widow | Widower | Grief of a Partner

• It is Not About Healing From Your Grief By

  Mel shares the details of navigating his “journey with grief after the death of my wife and soulmate of 47 years and 9 months”

  From the very first week, I have taken a very aggressive approach to dealing with my grief. Five days after she died, I forced myself to go to my first bereavement support group. And I mean that I forced myself because my instinct was to stay home and be sad.

  I will not bore you with everything I did, but I want to share one thing: I did a lot of research and reading, and I still read a lot about grief. What I learned is that there is no timeline for the grief journey. No roadmap tells you to do this during week one, then during week two, and then these things in week three. While there is no timeline or roadmap, we can still make choices. I chose to take action despite the overwhelming impulse to do nothing. [Read more about his reflections and explorations here]

• Hello, From the Other Side. A (non)advice column from someone who's been there. By

  At the time, I thought grief was something you dealt with - for a year, tops - and then it would be better. And all I wanted to do was to get to the other side. The side where the horrors of cancer and widowhood were behind me.

  Of course, since that day, I've learned there is no "other side."

  There's life. There's death. And there's grief in between.

  But there is another side to those early days (months? years?). A side where the grief will get softer. It will become more manageable. You will get stronger (cliche, I know).

  Most days, I live on the other side.

  There’s no guidebook for the grieving.

• In Memory of Jake. A brief update and a broken heart. And then, the writing will continue, as Jake would want it to. By

• A poignant essay. ‘What I Learned in My First Year as a Widow. Gratitude is how you get through grief.’ By

• My husband died a year ago from Alzheimer’s Disease. Right afterward, I wanted to go with him. Gratitude Graces Loss. Unconscious Intimacy By

• However long it’s been, you’re not alone in your grief. Have a read of this by Joan. xo The Heaviness of August Grief depression this time of year sucks...but worth a few bad weeks By

  I didn’t write for six months after he passed, then I wrote it all…raw and angry and sad. I shared it here about five months into joining Substack…when I realized there were other widow warriors writing about grief.

• Quote: ‘Be that as it may, there remains a constant sadness in me that I don’t think will ever go away. My life is unequivocally changed - and it wasn’t a change I wanted or planned for. I miss him more than I could have imagined.’ ‘Three Years a Widow. It doesn’t Seem Possible.’ By

• Quote: As a fellow writer said when writing about her husband’s death, “our love is breathing still.” Even though my husband of 60 years is physically gone, constants remain in life - maybe, our love is breathing still - just differently.’ ‘Walk in the Woods’ By

• Referenced by Janice. I Buried Him. Our love is breathing still. By

• Grief Is A Motherfucker. But sometimes it hurts so good. By

• 31. One Year A Widow The event, ‘his death’, and the feeling, ‘my relief’, are inextricably intertwined. By

• Pink Juice Reflections Taking a little control at life's end. By .

When I read Trevy’s reflections, I could feel myself trying to get my heart and head around the pain within these lines. The quote I’d like to share is not from the main text but from the discussion—comments exchange between Trevy and . I hope readers will click through to read the full article and comments exchange—big empathy AND pointing out societal conditioning. (I’m glad Trevy’s found a good one too!)

Oh Trevy, my heart goes out to you. From one widow to another, I get it. It's the "what ifs" and the "should haves" that get to us, even years later. It really is our brains trying to make sense of something awful by drawing unfair conclusions. We cannot go back in time, but oh how I wish we could.

• Your Objects Are Emotional Keepsakes. Why do our belongings feel so charged with energy? By QUOTE: ‘In grief I learned so well that objects hold energy. It’s a phrase I never really understood before.’

Organisations supporting widows and widowers, and their children.

has shared several recommendations for organisations supporting widows and widowers:

• Modern Widows Club: An international community offering in-person and virtual support groups, events, and resources for widows to connect, find hope, and empower themselves.

• Soaring Spirits International: Provides peer support and resources through programs like “Camp Widow,” a weekend gathering for widows, and "Widowed Village," an online community where people can connect and share experiences.

• Hope for Widows Foundation: A nonprofit organization providing online support, local chapter meet-ups, and an annual financial grant to help widows in need.

• Widowers Support Network: A worldwide organization dedicated to healing hearts and saving lives of men who have lost their spouse or life partner.

  National Widowers Organization: A nonprofit organization dedicated to providing support, resources, and advocacy for men who have lost their spouse.

• Camp Kesem - A wonderful free summer camp program designed specifically for children who have lost a parent to cancer. It’s run through many universities across the country. The camp creates a supportive environment where children can connect with peers facing similar experiences.

• National Alliance for Grieving Children - Offers local and online support groups, resources, and webinars focused on helping grieving children and families. Also, provides education for parents and caregivers on how to support grieving children.

• The Dougy Center - Provides peers support groups, grief resources, and advice for parents and caregivers.

• CancerCare’s Bereavement Program - Offers professional support for families who have lost a parent to cancer. The programs include counseling, support groups, and workshops.

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Grief of a Parent/Parent-figure | Grandparent | Family Member | Chosen Family

• When I read this article by Jenna I resonated with her words and it took me back to the phrase I’ve adopted, ‘Grief is love persevering.’ We carry it with us, as we move forward and at specific moments, we feel its presence more keenly. The love never leaves us; there’s a paradoxical joy and happiness in that. Thank you for this touchpoint-reminder for me, Jenna. Reflecting on my grief journey 4 years on. Remembering my wonderful Dad by

  So, this time of year is always tricky for me because on 8th October, it’ll be 4 years since my Dad passed away. He was just 65 and it was unexpected. In fact, he was due to have an operation to make him better the day that he passed away. I’ve noticed that even if I’m not thinking about this date specifically, my body knows it’s coming up. Subconsciously it’s always there in the background, that knowing that he is not here anymore. It’s like this deep ache that is ever-present.

• The Pit of Grief by who write The Grief Pen. “Writer and grief support bestie 🫶🏼 In honor of my mom Valerie 🪽”

• On The First Full Year Without A Loved One Mom died in 2022. Was there joy in 2023? By

  Mom wasn’t here.

  She wasn’t here in 2023.

  She won’t be here in 2024.

  And 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030, ad infinitum.

  Well-meaning people say she is here in spirit. That she’s here within. Which is nice. Very nice, in fact. But being here in spirit is very different from being here in flesh and blood. Sometimes I just want to watch television with Mom, or talk to her about what to have for lunch. I miss the everyday of getting groceries or talking about how pretty and full the moon is outside.

  While the new year is exciting and full of potential and joy and newness, it’s also a time of deep, profound grief.

  December to January becomes a more complex time of year as we grow older and life events pile up. I have great resonance with Madeline’s words.

• What happens when your second parent dies Or: When you become an orphan By (Jauary 20, 2025). My heartfelt condolences and thank you for sharing this, Madeline.

  My dad died ten days before Christmas.

  The first few days after he passed didn’t feel real. I kept busy, doing work things and getting swept away in holidays. It wasn’t until January when I truly felt lost. It’s hard to lose a parent, and it’s hard to lose a parent when you’re the caregiver. It’s hard to lose the second parent, and it’s even harder to lose the second parent who also needed caregivers (To clarify, it wasn’t expected of me to be a caregiver for my dad. Not at all.)

  The truths came hard and fast:

• 5 More Minutes Or...what would you tell the people you've lost? By A beautiful conversation. Thanks for sharing, Hannah. I think we’d all need more than 5 minutes.

• Note on November 24, 2024, by to her mother about sorting everything in her mother's home. Thank you for sharing, Sarah

  Some of the things I’ve kept from your home, mama. I know you’d be sad no one wanted the china or silver. No one took all the Hummels. No one wanted the antiques or the clocks. We even left behind the new bed. But here is some of what I kept:

• When dying happens...Friday, August 2, 2024 By

  When my mom was dying, it was everything I expected, and everything I didn’t. With pancreatic cancer, we’d been told it would change quickly, suddenly, unexpectedly, and so I found myself holding my breath for the seven and a half months it took to course through her body, and still it took me by surprise with its ending.

• Emptying by Thank you for sharing this Sasha.

  It’s my sixth visit to my mother’s house since she died, and my last. We step from the pavement into the living room, breathe old woodsmoke and damp stone, dip our heads under the blackened, sloping beams to carry bags upstairs and make our beds, and what surprises me most is not that I can’t summon sadness when I want to, but how much I wish the kids were there.

  ‘I want to do it intentionally,’ I told my sister on the long drive west and north through Friday night traffic, ‘I don’t want to get into an unthinking rush.’ But there’s just so much to do.

• A beautiful poem ‘Death Came’

• 5 things I never expected about grief. We all have some idea what grief might look like. Here’s what I didn't see coming. By

• A grief-empathy-exchange between myself and . Ruhie wrote a note about ‘firsts’ that trigger grief. We shared thoughts on memories, music and how we are gaslit when people say, ‘Time will heal…or your grief will get better with time….’UGHHH. When we connect with others who are grieving, we feel seen and less alone. Thank you, Ruhie.

• Navigating feelings after a recent bereavement. ‘Don't let guilt steal your grief.’ By

• ‘Quote’ ‘There was nothing I could do to stop the vortex of chaos, and nothing for me to hold onto and take refuge. The only thing I was able to do – in Alan Watts’s words – “to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”'Be Present and Dance with Grief. On moving forward when everything falls apart'. By

• Quote: ‘I had the sense of a circle being brought to completion, of a contract having been honoured.’ A parting gift. Being with my mother at the end. by

• Reframing our relationship with grief. ‘It is clear to me now that I was fearful of grief because I had no framework to make sense of the experience of death, and I had no models for how to cope effectively with overwhelming emotion’ An Invitation to Grieve Fearlessly. Grief can be frightening, but there is nothing to fear’.By

• Learning how we can be like a good friend to our grieving selves. Meet Your Grief With Self-Compassion How I've used self-compassion while grieving, and how you can too. By

• ‘A keening ceremony Finding the doorway into a shared experience of grief and love’ by

• ‘Somehow the loss keeps happening An exploration of time, felt as a pulse, rather than a period’ By

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Grief of a Child

• ‘Women are designed to Howl if we're not howling are we even healing?’ By

• The dark side of grief. ..or how family members get in the way of grief By . Thank you for this, Sarah:

  It wasn’t until more than a year later, sitting in a circle with other women whose babies had died, that I confessed my feelings. I couldn’t look at babies, hold babies, see my friends with babies, or smile at babies. And as I quietly confessed my thoughts, a collective sigh of relief took over.

  It turns out I wasn’t alone.

• Quote: ‘These days in my mind, grief looks like a circle of people—all different ages and sizes of Amanda—sitting around, each passing a parcel from person to person. It seems now that when grief had brought someone closure, they passed it on to the next Amanda who was ready.’ ‘The Alchemization of Grief A New Orleans cab driver helps me grieve my daughter’ by

• Emotional Memory of Grief. Hurricane Season By

• Caring for Yourself When Your Heart is Breaking. Tips and Stories Along the Grief and Caregiving Journey By

• Quote: “AHHH, I BUILT A HOME FOR MY GRIEF TO LIVE IN. “7 Years of Grief” is the home of my acute ache.’ ‘DOES SADNESS BELONG ON THE PAGE FOREVER?’ By

• Quote: ‘We don’t return, we don’t pretend, and we don’t just move on. We cannot return to our previous grief free days because we aren’t the same anymore, how could we be after such loss?’ ‘Give Grief a Seat’. Making space for our pain. By

• About the writer…so why did I create a Substack? by

  I've sought answers, support, and understanding. I've worked with charities, spoken to numerous government organisations and officials, and even pursued a Master's degree in Business Psychology, hoping to understand why institutions so often fail those who are grieving.

  What I've learned is this: when the unthinkable happens, you're often left to navigate a complex maze of emotions, practical challenges, and societal expectations, with little guidance. That's where "Beyond the Expected" comes in.

• I Hugged My Son Goodbye And He Began His First Week Of College. Then I Never Saw Him Again. "In my mind, I’m still planning for parents weekend, Thanksgiving, sending his winter clothes. ... None of this will happen." By

• The World Keeps Spinning by . Thank you for sharing Christopher with us, Sally

  With Christopher, it’s different. Time doesn’t really mean a thing. When his little sister gets married, (and she will always be his little sister), I have no doubt that he will be a part of all the celebrating in the year ahead. He will definitely be at the parties. He wouldn’t miss a party. And who knows? Maybe he even brought the gift of Paul Caroline’s way in the first place.

• and sharing Kiki’s story with us ‘Start Here. A good thing plus the backstory’

  Eric and I entered the world of grief, and discovered that when the worst thing happens, the cruelest part is, it doesn’t kill you. The pain makes you wish you were dead yet you have to go on. And that’s what I’m doing here. Finding a path through the darkness. Learning how to carry grief. Learning how to find joy and hope again.

• Channeling Grief after Henry Anniversaries - the other kind By

• A beautiful legacy. ‘Happy Birthday my eternal child. 24th June ... Happy Birthday to a child long gone, a child ever here’. By

• Bereaved Parents: Reflections on Laura’s Would be 38th Birthday Written on July 13, 2024 By

• A Symphony for One Heart Missing I will keep listening. Keep loving. by . Please read this beautiful article and Kelly’s publication. Here’s a sample of why:

  This Orchestra Hall, a sanctuary for Kevin and I, used to be a place for us to spend countless Mother-Son “date nights”. It was where he and I breathed together in rhythm with the orchestra, our hearts beating in harmony with Mahler, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Rachmaninoff... Side by side, rain or shine, year after year, those magical nights through every season and circumstance.

  He was a child of music - a pianist, violinist and composer. Each note he played, each line he wrote, carried the rhythm of a soul too vast for his years.

• has curated this article of ‘Grieving parents on Substack’:

Channeling Grief

Channeling Grief

There are over two dozen grieving parents writing on Substack. Each of our grief journeys is as unique as the child we’ve lost. Many of us have met, messaged, or spoken by phone. Let’s formalize our group with a directory…

Read more

10 months ago · 10 likes · 20 comments · Elizabeth Kopple

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Grief of Furbabies | Cats | Dogs | Pets

Navigating Grief with Children

• ‘Helping Children Process Death and Cope with Grief, While you're still trying to figure it out yourself’ by shares her experience and some resources.

• Crying While Parenting: A Mindful Approach. How can parents allow themselves to cry without introducing unhealthy levels of stress upon their children? By

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Grief Empathy is painful

• When ‘Til Death Do Us Part Happens’. Another widow finds herself suddenly alone By writes a beautifully empathetic piece. Many of us, I’m sure, have felt the resurgence of grief on special occasions, but I think it’s particularly potent when we feel empathy for someone else. Thank you for this, Sue.

‘Moving from Private Grief to Community Healing.’ NOT moving on, but life growing around the grief that is part of us. They are part of us.

• When was the last time you cried in public? Moving from private grief to community healing By

• Bloom: A season of grief & gratitude Two poems and the start of something new By

• Unhappy Anniversary? What do you say . . . By . Larry highlights the awkwardness many feel around the anniversary of someone’s death. The English language and traditions deter, rather than accommodate, grieving-in-community. Unlike, for example, the Jewish tradition of ‘Yahrzeit.’ I agree with Larry, saying something in empathy is much better than avoidance.

These next two articles by Jackie resonated because specific music reminds me, moves and shifts the grief within me. This is part of my father’s legacy, gifted to me from a young age.

• What a dance weekend taught me about living with grief. Dancing, life chapters, and matryoshka dolls By

• How good times struck me like a tuning fork. "Good times. These are the good times." By

In an article published by (November 10, 2024), Veronica Stanwell shared these words of wisdom

As everyone, one by one, placed their items on the grief altar, tears flowed in what felt like one of the most beautiful honourings I have ever experienced.  In those tears, I felt the sheer breadth of love the human heart is capable of.  I was reminded of Cole Arthur Riley’s quote:

Grief is an honouring.

It really is.  An honouring of your love.  Of life.  Of all that tears us open to the mysteries of this existence.

I appreciate how Nici shares diverse grief practices and perspectives. I highly recommend exploring Nici’s publication .

• ‘Your grief is an honouring With special guest - Veronica Stanwell’

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Part 3 Enablers | Tools

Resources | Organisations

UNITED KINGDOM

• End of Life Doula

• Cruse Bereavement Support

• recommends The Bereavement Journey. Thanks to Beverley commenting on a discussion thread where I’d shared an insight that ‘Grief is fingerprint unique’

  What a great personal observation “grief is fingerprint unique”. I can really resonate with this having done The Bereavement Journey twice and having the privilege of hearing so many heartbreaking experiences of grief and the unique impact on each person.

  My aha moment has been how much writing poetry has helped me do “good grief work” - a term I heard in The Bereavement Journey.

USA

• Here are the resources curated by Dina Bell-Laroche recommends on her website.

• National End-Of-Life Doula Alliance (NELDA)

• Refuge in Grief by Megan Devine

These were recommended by who writes

• What’s Your Grief

• Modern Loss

• Good Grief

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Books

A Reading List for Grieving Caregivers. A few books to help you remember that you’re not in this alone. by Thanks for these new recommendations, Pam!

**I’ve read.

• Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief By David Kessler (November 5, 2019)

• Grief Unleashed by Dina Bell-Laroche

• Kokoro: Japanese Wisdom for a Life Well Lived by Beth Kempton

• , PhD. Two books: Grief Growth Grace. A Sacred Pilgrimage. and A Mother’s Cry. A Mother’s Celebration

• It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine**

• Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through a Devastating Loss - Updated and Expanded Second Edition by Lucy Hone, PhD**

• A Manual for Being Human by Dr Sophie Mort**

• Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel**

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Today’s advice is from Megan Devine1 because the insights in her video struck a chord with several conversations I’ve had over the last few weeks.

Have you been grief-splained? Perhaps you’ve been both care-splained and grief-splained!2

Unsolicited advice, even from someone well-intentioned, can be unhelpful.

Of course, we’re all only human. Human-ing is challenging when we see those we love in pain. We want to help.

Being aware and mindful of our communications with those in grief or any emotional pain is essential to ensure we’re not adding more hurt on top of that pain.

In a world of hyper-speed time, we’ve become conditioned towards productivity, goals, promotion, visibility, and status as societal 'norms'.

Our basic instincts are wired —primed to respond. We are not necessarily listening to understand but waiting for words that give us a platform to launch our response.

When we see emotional pain, we need to retrain ourselves to slow down, create space and listen to understand instead of trying to interrupt with a quip or piece of advice.

Are we trying to validate our presence or gifting our empathy and time? Something to ponder.

Megan’s insights help us be aware of how our communications can impact others and offer us the space to see and hear the bigger picture and context of someone who is grieving.

Her thoughts resonate for any caregiver who, like me, finds themselves always playing the ‘bad cop’ role. Why we don’t do xyz. Why that’s a nice suggestion but..

It would be lovely if I could say, ‘no’ and not have to give a list of reasons, qualifiers and explanations but could confidently outline ‘how we do things’ and simply receive a ‘Sure, no worries, that’s fine.’

Summary

While people's intentions might be good, that doesn't mean all advice is good! Everyone's got an opinion... But most people don't check whether or not what they said was what we needed! - Megan Devine

This is an edited version of the video transcript

0.00 Intro

0.23 The problem with good intentions

Just because someone has good intentions doesn’t mean you can’t set a boundary or let them know their advice is unhelpful.

We think our job is to make other people feel better so we're doing what we think we're supposed to do.

If somebody tells you that what you're doing isn't helpful the temptation is to get defensive ‘I was only trying to help’.

Well if you were only trying to help and your intentions really are good, then you need to be willing to hear that what you're doing isn't helpful.

You're going to feel uncomfortable you're going to feel in some ways kind of ashamed or embarrassed about what you said but that is okay, that is part of Being Human.

If you really do have good intentions then you need to be willing to be corrected in order to deliver the love that you actually intended. You have to be willing to be a work in progress in order to deliver those good intentions that you actually have.

If you are not willing to hear that what you're doing is not helpful, then you are more interested in being seen as helpful than actually being helpful and there is a difference.

3.59 Criticism

“They wouldn't want you to feel sad or they would want you to remember the good times.’ Telling people that they shouldn't feel how they feel is I think of it like the ghost part of a sentence we don't usually say that out loud but if I say to you ‘hey your dad wouldn't want you to be so sad’ what I'm really saying is so stop feeling how you feel because it's not right, it's not good. You got to quit it stop grieving the way that you're grieving like that is always the message inside unsolicited advice.

Unsolicited advice is always criticism. Unsolicited advice is always criticism I look at you and I say m you're not doing it right so maybe you should do it this way.

That sounds like a really harsh description of those good intentions but if somebody did not ask for your opinion you giving your opinion about what they should do better or differently is Criticism

For this conversation today we are talking about people who truly do want to show up for you and be supportive they're just not doing it right.

If somebody has said to you “they wouldn't want you to be sad’ what are you going to do with that?

You have a number of options remember that we're going to assume that this is a person who does have good intentions their intention is to be supportive to you so what can you say is, ‘Hey what you just said to me doesn't feel very helpful I know your heart's in the right place, pretty sure my dad would want me to feel however I feel.’ It is okay to tell somebody that their helpful help is not that helpful.

5:06 Rudeness

Current second least favorite piece of unsolicited advice or trying to make you feel better thing that we say to people. ‘You're going to come out of this even stronger and better than before now that you know what's really important in life.’

It's basically cheerleading masquerading as being supportive you are going to be such a strong amazing wonderful person because of this experience. The part of that sentence that isn't usually said out loud is you clearly weren't a strong resilient person before this happened and you needed this intense loss to happen in order to become your best self

That is rude! We don't think about that thing that we say to somebody who's going through a hard time that this experience is going to make you stronger. There's this like pop psychology thing that has been around forever that says the only way you become your true self is through hardship like that is garbage

One of my favourite things about pointing out what we're actually saying in these kinds of statements is how quickly people with good intentions backpedal. ‘That's not what I meant by that' like I obviously thought you were a good person before!’

But it's like once you show somebody what you're actually saying it makes it really hard to keep saying that stuff. Those unspoken parts of the sentence are there and they are felt even if we don't say them out loud.

Most of the things that we say to somebody who is going through a hard time are actually really crappy things to say if you take a moment and think about what that message really is.

7:18 when you diagram the sentence basically you can really hear how rude, dismissive and nonsensical that stuff is. So if you're you're on the receiving end of that and somebody says you're going to become such a better person you're going to be such a gift to the world you're going to be so strong.

You have some options here you can do the quick and easy route that just says I know you think that that's helpful but that says that I needed this terrible thing because I was such a bad person before that I needed this kind of self-improvement.

The shortest thing you can say is I know you think that that sounds helpful but it tells me that I wasn't good enough before this happened

You can say things like you know I know you mean that to be helpful but what I hear when you tell me that this is going to make me a strong person is that you didn't think I was strong enough before this happened IS THAT TRUE

Using ‘Is that true?’ at the end of the feedback

At the end of telling them the advice was unhelpful, invites conversation, a do-over opportunity. Is that true it puts it back on that person with those good intentions to do the work to think about the things that you're doing and if we care about each other can we be willing to hear uncomfortable reflections and do something a little bit more helpful and human.

Can we put that relationship first and do the awkward work of caring for each other in this moment

9.34 Literal advice

‘Maybe you should try this’.. all you're doing is saying this worked for me and I think the entire world is a carbon copy of me.

It erases the fact that people have their own lives their own preferences you are trying to solve your problem for them without finding out if that's even a problem they have

The instinct to make somebody feel better is not bad it's what we do out of that instinct that is less than ideal if you are on the receiving end of.

The just try some more broccoli or whatever that flavor of ‘do this because it worked for me’ if you're the recipient of that, what are you going to do?

Boundaries

Boundaries can be as simple as saying, ‘That's not very helpful but I appreciate you care’. Sometimes you don't have the bandwidth to have a highly skilled in-depth conversation with somebody who has good intentions. Sometimes you just do not you don't have the bandwidth, you don't have the time, it's not the right place.

You just can't be bothered in this moment and that is okay too.

Sometimes the smile and Nod is your best option because that's all you have the energy for.

You can just say,' ‘thanks for the advice maybe I'll try that’, and walk away.

The point here, is that if somebody needs to feel uncomfortable in those awkward conversations it doesn't have to be you and you can also just leave. That's a boundary too putting on your hat and heading towards the door is a boundary

For those well intentioned friends offering advice

Creating the space is often the hardest piece. Slowing down to hear, to really listen, before jumping to respond is not our default setting.

I try hard to always lean into empathy first, but I’m only human. I get it wrong too.

It’s especially hard to pause when I see caregivers at the start of their journey. Everyone’s journey is unique, yet many pieces are similar. Seismic emotions are our common denominator and it’s hard to not jump in to try and pre-empt someone going through the hard emotions.

Caregivers are hard-wired over time to pre-empt the needs and wishes of our loved ones. Anticipate risks. Assess the trade-offs of risks versus benefits ahead of time, so that we can have more quality time together.

Offering insights and information when someone is seeking advice, is a safe bet.

‘I take my cue from you’ is a my go-to phrase for both my business mentees and other caregivers.

Leading with empathy opens up the possibility of sharing more.

For Caregivers, and a few counter-responses for caresplainers

A caveat for any receiver of advice. Decide how much energy and effort you can afford to invest in the conversation. I have a rigid self-protection boundary because time is my most precious asset as a caregiver.

A reminder. Depending on the person, the existing relationship, your energy and time— you may decide to smile, say thank you and give an excuse to leave. After all, in that moment you’re the one that know’s best.

Being aware and mindful of how we want to respond to communications is equally important.

There have been a few times when the person offering advice is thinking less about being helpful. There is an agenda, and it’s more about themselves. E.g. proving they know more, wanting to be the ‘hero’, cultural hierarchical status.

Here are a few phrases I’ve had to cultivate to set a hard boundary with these caresplainers.

• Thanks, but no, that’s your choice. I respect your decision (or maybe not). Respect ours. NO

• Humans are unique. Tried, tested, and we decided no. Moving on.

• No, thank you. I don’t have the time or energy to share our decision making and reasons with you. Simple, no needs to suffice

  • You may think you’re entitled to an explanation, but you are not.

• We didn’t ask for ideas/solutions/opinions because we don’t want them.

Please note the avoidance of our very english tendency of saying ‘I’m sorry, but…’

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Summary and My Personal Commentary

The work of Megan Devine1 was an important discovery for me. Her book ‘It’s OK not to be OK. Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand’ was a revelation. Her website and advice on ‘How to help a grieving friend’ was spot on.

I’m sharing a video and the direct transcript here because I believe it helps us shift our understanding from popular beliefs to the realities of Grief, as a non-linear, messy, and challenging Human Experience that is highly personal.

Megan has great respect for the work of Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (1969); quote, ‘she was a pioneer of her time.’

However, her work was quickly oversimplified, popularised, and used as a tool to control and corral grief—a hugely complex, personal, amorphous Human condition. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

In Western culture, we’ve learned to discuss Grief more than before, but we still want to be the hero for those we see in grief-pain. We try to comfort those we love using the Dr Kübler-Ross stages; we want to be ‘helpful’ or remove that pain to stop our loved ones from hurting.

Be warned - small soapbox ahead!

Feel free to ignore this personal opinion and skip to the expert advice from Megan Devine in the video!

Please, let’s unlearn and relearn how we respond to those who are grieving. Can we ‘just’ empathetically sit in grief pain instead of griefsplaining?

The most precious, most appreciated friendships I have were deepened because these special friends chose to listen and learn from these pleas: ‘No advice, no solutions, no pushing, or trying to recentre the grief to your own grief experience. Please help me not to be alone in my grief. Hugs, hand-holding, and tissues, please. Let me cry.’

No deflecting our discomfort or, worse, under-valuing the pain we’re experiencing.

Please don’t tell me, ‘You know how I feel’. You don’t know how I feel because you didn’t live in my skin these last few years.

Have you noticed how that phrase can lead to you, the person grieving, being the empathetic listener for that person, using energy that you don’t have?

Like ‘caresplaining’, grief-splaining may be well-intentioned, as people want to be ‘helpful’ or save us from pain. [I’m probably more grumpy right now because I don’t have much energy (still recovering from Strep-pneumonia/COVID)]. I just don’t want to explain justify my grief/pain to others.

One of the hardest lessons was learning how singular my experience really was. No one had the relationship I had with my Dad, or went through the losses I’ve had that caused me to grieve. There is no standard, no norm, no right or wrong. So doesn’t that mean I’m all alone, isolated and unable to be related to? Unrelate-able?

I’ve learnt that it’s the exact opposite. This is why I curated the Bereavement and Grief Anthology.

By reading/listening to numerous diverse experiences of bereavement and grief, I’m not expecting to say, ‘Matchy match!’ that’s me to a tee!’ I can see pieces I can relate to. Read/hear the resonance in the tone and feelings expressed. Draw empathy and inspiration from how others have articulated their experience in words or created something—art or music.

Curiously, embracing the diversity of our human experiences empathetically and sharing something about our experiences can connect us more powerfully than labels and stages. It can inspire us to understand our own grief better, one small piece at a time, so that we can carry it forward with a little less struggle/fight. That’s my personal insight-creation. It may not ring true for you.

So, please don’t griefsplain my experience of bereavement and grief. Sit alongside, I accept warm hugs of empathy and resonance. I respect your experiences and feelings, please respect mine. No explanations or labels are required. xo

‘Here's what we get wrong about the 5 Stages of Grief.’ (Sept 1, 2024)

Her Website: Refuge in Grief by Megan Devine

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REFERENCE: Timestamped Transcript of the Video - Megan Devine.

Have you heard of the five stages of grief I'm pretty sure you have but did you know that those five stages of grief bear no resemblance whatsoever to actual real grief. Let's talk about it. So if you have heard anything about grief it probably had something to do with those five stages of grief, right.

I bet you can name them even if I have to sometimes work to remember them there's denial there's bargaining there's anger there's depression and there is acceptance right right The Holy Grail of all things grief is that you reach that stage of acceptance and everything ‘goes back to normal’.

None of that is true but if we don't have some kind of order for grief does that mean that we're just kind of screwed honestly that we're just left alone with our feelings we're going to be sad and depressed and miserable for the rest of our lives when something difficult happens.

0.50 No the truth is that there's a big middle ground in there and it's called being human so in today's video we are going to talk about those five stages of grief. What they were used for,  for what the goal was, what it's really like in real life trying to fit a human process into a structure that is completely made up and what you can do to find some sort of order inside your grief that actually makes sense as a human being not a set of rules

1:16 let's talk about what normal means, because a lot of the times what we hear when we're talking about grief is, first of all, the new normal and friends or family or even you putting some pressure on yourself that you need to get back to normal… There is NO normal.

1:33 There's no life to go back to, there is no you without whatever it is you've lost, and that's not a downer that's the truth.

Normal is a moving point of balance. It is a constantly changing phenomenon what is normal for you today might not be normal for you tomorrow. This insistence on normal also isn't helpful.

1.50 We've got the five stages of grief that aren't helpful, we've got our insistence on normal or ‘a new normal’— also not a helpful term! Normal is what is typical for you in this new life that is unfolding and unfolding and unfolding.

2:05 Let's talk about the history of the stages of grief for a minute. There's sort of this rule book that we have saturated into culture and movies and books and pop psychology but what are they really the five stages of grief were created by Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in the late '70s. They were actually something that she found working with people who had just received a terminal diagnosis she never meant them to be concrete things that you have to go through she never meant them to go in order. She also never meant them to be required parts of adjusting to a terminal diagnosis

2:40 notice what I said there: A terminal diagnosis. What Dr Kübler-Ross  was seeing was these patients that she was working with as they received a terminal diagnosis as they came to terms with their own impending death they felt some things.

2:56 She meant those stages as a way to make a wholly disorienting time have some anchors in it have some markers of what makes sense for you to be feeling when you're facing your own mortality.

3:09 Now what happened unfortunately is that medical profession, the culture the therapist the nurses the doctors they ran with that and they said that grief is this really uncomfortable giant thing that feels messy and uncomfortable and unpredictable. Let's put some order on it.

3:23 So they took those five things that somebody might feel when they're facing their own mortality and turned them into a system by which we measure all grief. [They say} “There are five stages you must go through them in order OR ELSE you're not doing your grief work correctly— you are failing the stages”

3.41 AND it's not just that, SOME of those stages are better than others. “Right we understand that you might have a little bit of bargaining,  bargaining is when you're sort of arguing with the universe if only you let my person live if only you let the test results come back the way that I want them to I promise to be good right it's ridiculous when you look at it this way it's this like vending machine world where if you do all of the right things you get the result you want.  

4:06 so that's bargaining depression. Sort of resign to your fate everything is terrible everything is gloomy anyway there is anger

4:23 anger is my favorite in this made-up system anger is the one that we see somebody being angry in their grief in their loss whatever they're coming to terms with and we say anger is normal and healthy just don't get stuck there. Don't get stuck in your anger right? Anger is allowed but only a tiny bit and then you need to move on because we really need you to get to that acceptance piece right we really need you to do this correctly and do it quickly so that you go back to normal

4:41 Which is really just code for stop being sad in my face. It makes me uncomfortable

4:48 Sometimes I am really cranky about it because the stages of grief are this way of simplifying this complex Human Condition this complex Human Experience that we all go through in different ways at different times

5:02 We like things to be simple we don't like things to be complicated and we don't like to feel helpless in the face of Pain, any kind of pain and those handy dandy stages make us feel like we got this. We know what to do we know what to expect we know what to expect of ourselves and we know what to offer to somebody else when we see them struggling. “Hey it sounds like you're in denial maybe you should do this hey you're being really angry and I know that's normal but you really need to get to acceptance

5:30 . It's this way of controlling and judging honestly this messy amorphous very Human Condition which honestly I get it it makes sense! It's hard to see somebody you love having a hard time it's hard to feel like you don’t know what to do about it. So anytime I see the stages of grief mentioned in a book or in a movie especially in movies or in like a major media newspaper article or online article

5:57 What really irks me about that, is that your friends and family are going to read that and that reinforces that there is a right and a wrong way for you to be living your life. That there's a right and a wrong way to respond in grief and that's just not true!  

6:11 So those stages of grief really enforce this misunderstanding that we have with ourselves and with each other that there is something right or wrong about being Human! There's nothing right or wrong about being human! It's just us, so I think what really happens is that we have the stages of grief we have this sort of transformation idea of any kind of hardship something crappy happens to you if you do your work correctly you come out bigger and better and stronger.

6:40 At the end, those stages of grief are just part of that transformation storyline. Crappy things happen yes but they happen to teach you a lesson and if you do your grief work correctly you come out better stronger wiser more resilient carrying with you lessons that you couldn't have learned any other way

6:55 How rude! How rude! Crappy things happen all the time beautiful things do too but we're better with the beautiful things than we are with the difficult things.

7:07 We say to somebody who's grieving yeah yeah yeah do your grief feel your feelings but don't stay stuck there. This is going to change this is going to get better

7:14 Can you imagine if we did that with happiness? Don't stay stuck in your happiness things are going to change, right? When you flip it, you can really hear how ridiculous it is some of the things that we say to somebody going through a hard time

7:25 I get it we haven't been taught the right tools to really be supportive of somebody going through a hard time. So of course we reach for these tools that we've been sort of force-fed over the last 40 or 50 years.  

7:38 Yet we reach for things that wouldn't work for us when they've been applied to us.  Nobody likes to be judged for what they're going through but we turn that around and we use these old tools that we've inherited just because we don't know what else to do and that's where I in this is what I have spent the last over a decade doing.

7:56 Helping people understand that the things we habitually do that things we've been taught to do when somebody's going through a hard time they don't actually work but that doesn't mean we're just helpless in the face of everything if we throw out those stages of grief it doesn't mean we have nothing.

8:10 it just means that we've got to expand our ideas of what it is to be human what it is to lose things what it is to be in pain and what it is to need each other. We don't need a narrow little set of rules to love each other and to show up what we need is more of a generous inclusive awkward Ness.  

8:31 so let's go back to those stages of grief for a minute Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross created those rules as a guide, as a comfort to people going through a really difficult time, in 1969

8:43 Grief existed before 1969. Sometimes people think that I'm dissing her work, absolutely not she was a pioneer of her time! I can totally geek out on the history of why we've been so pain avoidant from the dawn of human history right up until today but the important part for today is that her work pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in the decades that she grew up in. No one was talking about death. No one was talking about grief.

9:09 You didn't air your dirty laundry, everything was great, everything was happy all the time even more so than it is today. She revolutionized the way that we talk about The Human Experience.  

9:21 We have grown beyond those reductive terms that were so powerful in her time we've changed we're different. We know more about what it is is to be human, to be hurt to be suffering, to talk about what's really going on for ourselves and in ourselves and with each other. We can do this we don't need to use the tools that made sense 50 years ago.  

9:46 We can grow and adapt and become even more human and even more helpful and I can get super poetic about all of that stuff which is sometimes helpful and sometimes not but there's a real realistic practical way to approach grief for yourself and approach grief.

10:02 When you see it in somebody else again remember that I said that. Just because we throw out these old reductive stages linear model just because we throw those out doesn't mean there's nothing to do.

10:17 So if you're going through something that's difficult that could be a loss due to a death it could be a chronic illness it could be any number of things. If you're going through a grieving process I think the first thing to remember is that there's nothing wrong with you.

10:31 Don't underestimate the power of not feeling like you're doing it wrong. I didn't say that great but we do this thing because we have those five stages of grief because we have toxic positivity because we have GoodVibes only when you're not matching that happiness ideal you can feel like the problem is yourself. So don't underestimate the power of acknowledging that you are a human being having a human experience and you feel how you feel! Don't underestimate the power of that! So, that's thing one you're not doing it wrong. Maybe it's messy, it's probably painful but you're not wrong!  

11:02 You will feel a million different things. Those five stages of grief you might feel some of those. You might be angry, you might be in denial. Denial is really just a code word for I need a distraction. Denial is really a positive thing in some ways it means that your brain your nervous system can't take in the totality of what this loss brings to you or means to you or is right. So denial is actually not a bad thing you might move through 19 different emotions in 10 minutes.  Uncomfortable, yes but weird, no!

11:39 Whatever you feel inside your grief is correct just because it doesn't feel good doesn't make it wrong!

11:46 If you're trying to support somebody else who's going through grief all those things that I just said they also apply remember that whatever your grieving person is going through is normal. It is uncomfortable, it is hard to watch, it is hard to feel helpless in the face of somebody else's pain. Your job though is to notice that you're feeling helpless, recognize your instinct or your impulse to jump right there and make it betterfor them. Maybe you reach for those stages of grief and say “this is denial. It's perfectly Normal and you should move on to acceptance’  

12:15 If you reach for those tools that we've been taught, chances are pretty good you're going to miss your mark. It's not a bad thing to want to help somebody that you care about.BUT I want you to slow down your impulse to help and think about oh I'm feeling helpless in the face of this person's pain I really want to take that pain away I can't do that though My job is to feel helpless and awkward and show up anyway.

12:37 All you really need to remember friends, is don't try to fix your person's pain for them. If you just remember their grief is not a problem to be solved, your job is not to fix things for somebody but to support them exactly where they are you're going to do fine.

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I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Personal Reflection and Insight.

A small gem of insight into Grief and love was dropped into my head courtesy of 'Vision' when I watched the WandaVision series.

For those unfamiliar with the Avengers, WandaVision is a TV series on DisneyPlus.

A Wikipedia WandaVision summary: Wanda is an Avenger who can harness chaos magic, engage in telepathy and telekinesis, and alter reality. Vision is an android and former Avenger created using the artificial intelligence  J.A.R.V.I.S. and Ultron and the Mind Stone. 

I’m not launching into the backstory or more Marvel or Avengers jargon. But I want to share the dialogue, a lightbulb moment in the story: Vision [the AI] is consoling Wanda after her brother's death and discussing her dark grief. 1

"Well, because it can't all be sorrow, can it?

I've always been alone

So, I don't  feel the lack

It's all I've ever known

I have never felt the loss,

because I've never had a loved one to lose

but what is grief

if not love persevering."

Me being me, I replayed this short speech a couple of times.

Lightbulb! Exhale! How soul-embracing!

To remember that our grief is love persevering through the feeling of loneliness, sadness and loss.

If it is love persevering, we can anchor to the relationship and connection. Start to focus less on the empty passing and hole that's left.

For me, love offers us a way to forgive ourselves and the person for their passing and everything on the rollercoaster leading to & around the event.

Perspective from a place of love is much more soothing than sitting in grief's darkness, feeling lonely from the loss.

For me, it's also a natural balm to the caregiving painful memories which were jabbing & poking & antagonising me.

Love persevering is a process to help me move through the pain of grief to appreciate the connection & relationship.

I won’t ignore or forget the person or be overwhelmed by sorrow; I will allow the love memories to persevere and live on.

It enables a comforting, compassionate perspective and space from which I can feel whole. It’s part of who I am now.

I'm less ‘brave-face’ and more sitting with my own discomfort, seeing and feeling the grief but also the love that’s still there.

This helps to motivate me to move forward. It’s still painful. I still flinch at terrible memories.

But there’s an overflow of meaning and substance there. It’s not a vacuum of emptiness. The messy grief flows, overspills, and can overwhelm me despite the insights of love-persevering.

Life is growing around the grief. The love is persevering. The grief is still there, just slightly better understood and accepted.

Insights come from the most unexpected places sometimes!

Kudos to the scriptwriters of WandaVision! Thanks.

The dialogue is a helpful reminder about what distinguishes us from A.I. Something to ponder.

A beautiful, haunting tribute. Massive Attack’s Teardrop, sung by Elizabeth Fraser.

Fraser was in an appropriately mournful state of mind when she recorded the song. The words, though esoteric almost to the point of incomprehension, are imbued with melancholy, born from Fraser’s own sadness on learning about the death of her friend Jeff Buckley, who drowned in May 1997.

This is another reminder that the feeling, the memory and the love continue:

Join the discussion:

What key observation or piece of wisdom can you offer to others? Can you share some empathy with someone seeking answers to a question?

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Summary:

Lucy Hone, a public health Resilience Researcher, shares her insights on grief following the loss of her daughter. She draws on her experience as a resilience researcher to support and analyse her own grief journey. She differentiates between grief reaction, which is uncontrollable, and grief response, which involves active choices to manage grief and having more personal agency. Hone emphasises the importance of oscillating between confronting grief and taking a break from it, a concept known as the oscillation theory. She also discusses the significance of making conscious choices about what to focus on, asking oneself whether a thought or action is helpful or harmful. Hone encourages people to seek serenity, pride, or awe - feelings that we associate with being part of something bigger, and to understand that suffering/adversity is a part of life, which can prevent feelings of victimisation. She argues that grief doesn't shrink over time, but life grows around it. ‘Grief is as individual as a fingerprint.’ Experiment and walk the grief journey in a way that feels right for you.

I recommend listening to the Podcast from the beginning to appreciate the context of Lucy Hone's experience. Below, I'm highlighting the most impactful podcast clips and messages that resonated with me. This interview goes beyond her TED Talk (September 25, 2019), 'The Three Secrets of Resilient People'.

Shankar Vedantam's (2022) interviews resilience researcher Lucy Hone. Lucy shares the techniques she learned to help her cope after the devastating loss in her own life

Key Timestamps and impactful insights.

This transcript was taken from the Hidden Brain Website, and edited by myself.

15.30 The question: can I go on? It all felt too hard. 'Grief Ambush' takes hold unexpectedly, and you're powerless to control or manage the emotions.

20.40 The 5 stages of grief are for other peoples comfort, they don't work. People tell you and expect you to go through them. Lucy was frustrated by the stages. Her mission was to 'Survive this'. She found the stages too passive.

22.30 She was starting to think of herself as the researcher and the research subject, internally observing her loss and her reaction to it. Could tools from resilience psychology help? They’ve been shown to help people cope with potential traumatic events. So, could they be useful in the context of bereavement? She's been exploring this ever since Abi, her daughter died.

24.00 Pondering this question gave her the space to analyse how her own mind was responding to grief.

When she noticed something about how she was coping, she reserved judgment about what it meant. When she engaged in what-if scenarios? She noticed how these thoughts made her feel. She paid attention to how she felt after getting exercise or a good night's sleep. In other words, she started behaving like a scientist. She eventually discovered there were things that made her feel better and things that made her feel worse. She came up with a series of techniques that gave her a measure of control over her grief.

24.45 Lucy: I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen thinking, "Seriously, Lucy, choose life, not death. Don't lose what you have to what you have lost."

25.10 Lucy is a public health researcher at the University of Canterbury. After her 12-year-old daughter was killed in a traffic crash, Lucy tracked her own bereavement process closely. She realised that she, herself, did not follow the five stages of grief. She also realised that we are wrong when we think grief is only something that happens to us. While it's true that grieving people do not feel they have much control over their emotions, there were things she could do to change the way she felt. They were active choices she could make. These choices did not erase her grief. That was neither possible nor healthy. But they did allow her to feel like she could manage it.

A difference between her reaction to grief and her response to it.

26.01 You have little control of your Grief Reaction and all its physical symptoms that occur when we are bereaved: aching, grief sweats, nighttime sweats, and the torrid roller coaster of emotions.

But we do also have the Grief Response, which is about how we choose to respond to the grief: the ways of thinking and acting and the micro-choices we make all day long, that help or harm our grief. So while we can't control our grief reaction, our grief response is pervaded with choice.

27.00 The work of Columbia University researcher, George Bonanno 'most people get through grief on their own without medical/clinical intervention. M Stroebe and H Schut 'The Oscillation Theory'1

George Bonanno's work (reference below) gave Lucy hope. Margaret Struber and Henk Schut.'s oscillation theory is a different model of grief: approach grief, and then it's okay to withdraw from it, and take a break. That is not avoidance/denial, but actually a healthy way to grieve.

One is loss-oriented and the other is restoration-oriented. You fluctuate between coping with the loss and the restoration - "who am I now and how will I learn to live without this loss? You ebb and flow between these two processes, dynamic process. We needed to take breaks from our grieving process, and that's where positive emotion can come in too.

29.56 It's important to choose where you focus your attention. Grief is full of choices. Ask yourself "Is doing that going to help me or harm me in my quest to survive this loss?" I was putting myself in the driver's seat and taking back a bit of control.

32.37 When people are experiencing grief, we expect them to follow scripts. By taking back that narrative, you can start to make choices that craft your own journey. It may be a different choice than others, but it's important that each person exercises the AGENCY to make the choice that best fits their mental makeup and psychological well being.

There's actually very little evidence that says that we go through those five stages. They have been perpetuated, because they're a tidy model . We're all drawn to them because in a torrid time it makes those suffering AND health practitioners feel better. But actually grief's not like that. It's messy and untidy. And in our work, people rarely say that they go through those stages.

35.11 Shankar: It's worth pointing out this is not easy to do. These are human reactions. And I want to flag that while making conscious choices about what to focus on does make sense, that doesn't mean that it's always easy to do.

"This isn't easy, but it is possible." Lucy says, 'I think it comes down to, for me, my motivation for survival was huge’.

36.33 Shankar: Lucy thought back to her days as a graduate student studying resilience at the University of Pennsylvania. At one point, her professors worked with the U.S. military to develop a resilience training program for a million soldiers. That program was based on the same underlying idea, "Pay attention to where you pay attention." You need to be aware of the way your thoughts and actions are combining, question whether the ways you are thinking and acting are working for you or working against you, positive psychology. It's important for people to find the language that works for them.

38.44 Lucy wrote a book titled Resilient Grieving. The "Why me?" question was explored in the book and TEDTAlk (3 Secrets of Resilient People). It's counterproductive. She illustrated that adversity doesn’t discriminate, everyone suffers. As much as we don't want this to be true, terrible things happen to us all. And knowing that makes it so important to understand how you react in tough times and to understand the ways of thinking and acting that can help you navigate your darker days. [Carer Mentor Note - see Emotional Agility work by Susann David}

40.14 Shankar: You say that resilient people understand that bad things happen, that suffering is a part of life and that knowing this keeps them from feeling like victims. Can you expand on this idea, Lucy? What do you mean by that?

Lucy: Understanding that everybody suffers in parts of life, that actually very often daily, we struggle and suffer and that is absolutely part of the universal existence, stops you from feeling singled out and discriminated against when something goes wrong. But critically, it also stops you from beating yourself up when things go wrong. And so when we live in an era of perfectionism, it's so important for people to understand that "Yeah, we all stuff up and do things wrong all day long and that doesn't mean we need to be punished. It doesn't mean we are useless. It just means we are human."

41.15 Shankar: The approaches are confirmed by modern, empirical, scientific tools, but they really are age-old ideas. We did an episode about stoicism with a philosopher, William Irvin, and he had this great line, "Do what you can with what you have, where you are." 'We always encourage people to focus on the things that matter and the things that they can control.'

42.30 Shankar: As Lucy looked for ways to apply these insights in her day-to-day life, she started to seek opportunities to find serenity, pride and awe. Is it possible that some people resist doing those things, because they feel guilty about doing them? We feel compelled to follow the scripts presented to us about how we're ‘supposed’ to grieve and deal with loss and trauma.

Lucy: Exactly. people feel judged and feel guilty for experiencing any form of positive emotions, that if you're experiencing positive experiences, there's something wrong with you, when actually we know that is so far from the truth.

44.39 Shankar: Some people interpret your work as pushing people at the lowest point in their lives to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, that grieving people need to be responsible for their own emotional recovery. Is that an accurate representation of your work?

Lucy: No. A very deliberate point in resilient grieving to say to people never am I trying to put more pressure on the bereaved. All of our work is created for people who come to us saying, "Thank you for validating my desire to be an active participant in my own grief journey." And so we know that so many people now are looking for ways to support them through that adaptation to loss. We are not forcing people. "These are all of the theoretically sound and scientifically backed strategies that we've come across. Try some of these out for yourself. See what works for you. Be your own personal experiment and find the grief journey that works for you." So I think that giving people a prescription for hope, I think, is the number one aim of our work.

46.23 The bereaved often think that their grief, will shrink over time. But what really happens is that your grief stays the same and your world, your life grows around it. Seven years on from Abi's death and I can notice how our world has grown beyond her. And so I can see that life literally has grown around her and our loss. We'll never forget her, but life grows and goes on. And as long as she's with us and we have her legacy, then I don't want to say that's okay, because it's not, but I guess it's good enough.

Lucy Hone is a public health researcher and practitioner in New Zealand. She's the author of Resilient Grieving, Finding Strength and Embracing Life After a Loss that Changes Everything.

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Books:

Resilient Grieving: How to Find Your Way Through Devastating Loss, by Lucy Hone, 2017. 

The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us about Life after Loss, by George Bonanno, 2010.

The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles, by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte, 2003.

Research:

Destruction to Regeneration: How Community Trauma and Disruption can Precipitate Collective Transformation, by Lucy Hone, Chris P. Jansen and Denise M. Quinlan, Wellbeing and Resilience Education, 2021.

Cautioning Health-Care Professionals: Bereaved Persons are Misguided Through the Stages of Grief, by Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut, and Kathrin Boerner, OMEGA-Journal of Death and Dying, 2017.

The Science of Resilience: Implications for the Prevention and Treatment of Depression, by Steven M. Southwick and Dennis S. Charney, Science, 2012.

The Dual Process of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description, by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, Death Studies, 1999.

Other Carer Mentor articles linked to this:

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I believe we each suffer grief differently because each human is a unique individual. So, the dynamics, the loss and the experience of grief are just as singular as we are.

The video below was comforting because there’s no rigid definition, expectation or prescribed standard.

I’ve listened to and read concepts from many experts and thought leaders. However, this simple video and animation feels right, especially now, four years after Dad’s passing.

You see, grief is not ‘just’ still here. It can invade my every day when I least expect it. It comes at me like a tsunami wave, pulling me in an all-consuming undercurrent, washing me out and leaving me with a discombobulated hangover of emotions.

We pivoted so hard from Dad’s passing to Mum’s cancer treatment in 2020 that there was no time to process anything. We’re finally beyond surgeries, chemo & radiotherapy and have a calmer routine.

Our heavenly moments are when there are no issues or drama, a few quiet, peaceful days without medical check-ups. These carer days are polar opposite to the ones we had tag-teaming the care for Dad.

The increased predictability also means I’ve felt uncontrollable swells of emotion from inside me that seem to come out of nowhere. They burst out at the weirdest, most inconvenient times, triggered by what may seem innocuous and insignificant.

In 2020, I had many flash-back physical cringe moments, after-effects of the falls Dad had on the stairs. Or my adrenalin would spike at a loud bang or thump. A programmed response to the danger of finding Dad lying on the floor. I had a honed conditioned state as a long-term caregiver, primed to ready-set-go. It’s why I went to bed dressed in gym gear, primed for Dad’s dark o’clock shout for help.

I researched Caregiver PTSD alongside grief. It’s a phenomenon resulting from extended periods of hyper-vigilance, anticipating needs, and being constantly primed to respond to crises. (Click on the image for the reference)

Excerpts from this systematic review paper's Discussion & Conclusion sections (a review of other published papers).

‘having a higher level of family cohesiveness was protective against PTSD symptomatology [38], highlighting perceptions of friendliness and supportiveness between members of the family as protective. More widely, the importance of family and social support has been highlighted by many other studies.’ [19,22,38,39,43,50,54,62].

‘we found that using a positive coping style [44], having higher levels of mindfulness [44,51], and having feelings of hope [35] were all associated with a reduction in PTSD symptoms. Indeed, teaching mindfulness-based stress management, while reducing distress, could bolster psychological and behavioral resilience [76].’

This is why Self-Compassion, mindfulness, patience and figuring out what works for you are essential in caring for your loved one and, beyond their passing, in grief.

The two articles, Prelude to Caregiving and Managing the Mental Load, offer context to this article. To me, grief is still an indefinable, shape-shifting puzzle.

We are not good at NOT mastering something and NOT being in control or NOT controlling ourselves. The reality and truth is that if we have loved, we will feel the loss, and that loss is love hurting, something we cannot escape or control.

We’re not automatons; we’re not AI. We are perfectly imperfect humans who will be grieving after our loved ones have gone. We’ll also be our own harsh critics, guilting and insulting what we did in hindsight.

Now, I talk about Dad more naturally than before …sometimes. I swiftly change subjects or leave the room in conversations about emergencies or the hospital. There are still some traumatic episodes that I can’t discuss without crying - anger, rage, frustration, and some sadness. Words fail for some moments.

There are bittersweet, pain-filled moments that I’m going through as I curate this new version of the website. There is some therapeutic relief in the bite-sized personal reflections and reacquainting myself with all my stored resources.

Grief: It’s not something you have to ‘get over’

Try to watch the full 8 minutes 36 seconds

Below is a Trimmed down version video I have shared with my friends. I always caveat my message:

It’s worth watching the longer video above, to understand when grief can become a problem.

You may see ‘complex grief’ in a parent. For example, when one partner has passed and all the finances, tax and paperwork was done by that person and the grieving partner is at a loss of what and how to manage everyday administrative tasks on top of all the grief of being alone in the house. Imagine a tech-naive parent trying to pay bills and figure out all those passwords!

If you have parents who are ‘getting older’ I’d recommend trying to open the uncomfortable, awkward conversations now.

Gently investigating the status of important documents and information. Approach it with curiosity. Let them lead, at their pace.

You’ll be relieved to be even slightly aware of where things are if a crisis happens. Facts suddenly bubble up, ‘that one time he said..’. A crisis will inevitably happen, a medical incident or crisis because we’re not immortal!

Starting the conversation and holding yourself in discomfort for the sake of, and in service to someone else’s wishes, IS the brave, courageous act, in my humble opinion. It’s not about having every piece of paper nailed down, filed and cross checked.

Take it from me, no matter what you do, you will NEVER be 100% prepared. Life is not that neat and tidy when it comes to being human!

We cannot control everything. It’s just not possible to make everything 100% safe, and protected. You can’t wrap your parents up cotton wool, just like they couldn’t do that to you as a kid.

The questions I used to force on myself:

Every relationship has it’s idiosyncrasies, and dementia and illness complicates things. Open curious heartfelt discussions, dignity, reassurance and respect, were my aspirational bywords - for myself and them.

When you’re in the moment managing through a death, and the administration and orchestrating everything, you’ll find a way to navigate it all. Trust yourself. THAT’s the reality. Whatever was discussed or planned will be done as best as possible, you can’t do more.

We’re not perfect and that’s what makes us all so perfectly human! And part of our common humanity is our capacity to love and grieve because of that love. (see Dr Kristin Neff’s work)

Knowing that, it makes more sense to permit any loved one the space to draw as much reassurance as possible; to speak their mind and everything they want to share, so that they feel heard and understood.

The unfortunate reality is that, you’ll understand their wishes, but you’ll be the one figuring out how to make it all happen. So, the only thing you can promise is to do your best.

Don’t forget - turn the tables on yourself. Start thinking of your own plans, administration and important documents, that you need to share with your executor or family!

Dad had a plethora of co morbid, illnesses all of my adult life. He had a quintuple heart bypass the same year I did my GCSEs. Every holiday, before school restarted, he walked me through his instructions about his Will and service. I hated it but over the years, I learnt to just listen, echo and nod.

Despite Dad’s exemplary organisation; ‘THE Grey Folder’, and my nerdy excel, project management and admin skills it still took me over a year to finalise his ‘estate’. And Dad to Mum was apparently the ‘easiest’ type of probate (according to our solicitors).

The speed of administration is out of your control. You’re beholden to organisations, insurance companies, banks and when all the notifications and papers are with the legal team, you’re then beholden to Probate being granted. (United Kingdom experience)

So, yes be organised, do your best to designate a folder or drawer with all the important information that you may need. Even research things yourself to get primed. Be kind to yourself and be mindful of your expectations as an executor of your parents estate, or in preparing your own documents for your family.

In the end, 80% of The Grey folder wasn’t needed. I had Dad’s wishes imprinted in my mind, but also in the process of doing there were new facts, issues, or points that changed things. These are the the things no one can anticipate or plan for.

And so what?..

One morning when Dad’s eyes were semi closed, sitting at the breakfast table, head nodding, I asked my usual question of whether he was in pain or okay. He mumbled that he was fine.

Sitting close, watching over him I put my hand over his gnarled arthritic one. I took a deep breath and simply said, ’if you ever feel you can’t go on and you’re too tired, Da, it’s okay, we’ll be fine and I’ll look after Mum.’

Quiet. Tennis balls in throat, nails in palm. I waited, and waited. Softly, ‘Da, did you hear, me? We’ll be okay.’

‘I know, I know yes, okay’. It wasn’t exactly the response I was looking for but there’s no romantic glossing of reality. Dad and I had several versions of this exchange over the next two or three months. Sometimes he wanted to remind me of something, or tell me things again.

Four years on, it’s the ‘breakfast table moment’ that stays with me. The tipping-point moment of validation that things would be okay. He knew it, I knew it. A reassurance for both of us.

A comfort to me now…while life grows around my grief.

If you’re looking for more reflections and resources.

• Personal Reflection: 'Grief, Love persevering' The painful threads within us.

• Resource: Megan Devine's 'How do you help a grieving friend?' Refuge in Grief Website & Book

• Poem: 'Echoes in the Walls' Reconciling with grief over the festive period.

• This podcast shakes up our understanding of grief and offers us some ways we can reclaim some agency; some tips to help ourselves.

The articles below share personal experiences of Grief. They are powerful, human experiences, AND connects us in painful, resonant empathy. Grief is as unique as our fingerprint.

• ‘Women are designed to Howl if we're not howling are we even healing?’ By Publication: Parents Who Think.

• ‘Give Grief a Seat’. Making space for our pain. By Publication: Wildly Unraveled.

• 'Be Present and Dance with Grief. On moving forward when everything falls apart'. By . Publication: 'Let's Just Be'

• ‘An Invitation to Grieve Fearlessly. Grief can be frightening, but there is nothing to fear’. By , PH.D. Publication: Dr. Amber_Writes’

• ‘Grieving in Progress’ By , PH.D. Publication: Dr. Amber_Writes’

• ‘When Death is Slow to Come.’ Finding Gratitude in the Midst of Pain

• ‘Meet Your Grief With Self-Compassion.’ How I've used self-compassion while grieving, and how you can too. I appreciate the way Amber has shared statements that we can relate to. We can more easily self-identify and feel connected in our grief and our need for self-compassion. She’s made the 3 components of Self-compassion (Mindfulness, Self Kindness and Common Humanity) more relatable and meaningful. Thank you, Amber.

Resources for grief:

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Resources for grief

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2 years ago · 14 likes · 2 comments · Mariah Friend

Does the metaphor in the video resonate for you? What has helped you? Please leave a comment if you feel comfortable doing so.

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Three linked articles

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The whisper of the soul as it strains and dissipates
away from the heart that breaks
the resonance of a memory that's plucked, the note is held
the thrum and echo holding desperately to the end
stretching, beyond possibility, defending
the love that perseveres, the grief that exists.
With images of his last moments, time stretched over Christmas into New Year's first weeks
the painful bittersweet memories persist.

Although, 
in calm imbued in these walls
are the whispers of the soul-that-was
At peace at last but staying here
even with these images and memories of strife
the resonance of life, echoes
too attached to leave, or too selfish to go alone
watching over, making his presence known

And so, it's best to reconcile
to the definition of peace we have in hand
the spirit and memory in this house; pain and love, 
bigger than one person and soul-filled in every corner
the after-him, unplanned.

I don't think we ever 'get over' our loved ones passing. Contrary to those clichés, time doesn't heal all wounds. If we'd been alone and didn't know their love, we wouldn't miss them so much.

Grief is LOVE persevering through the passing. Painfully holding us accountable to remember what we've lost.

Time doesn’t heal, it pulls the threads of our emotional existence; pulling and tugging to make us remember our loss, and relive painful moments. Threads, frayed, strained, worn, and backcombed pieces of memories that try to paste themselves into some semblance of tidy control in the routine of the day but become unleashed into a nightmare of knots behind doors, in darkness, at night.

New colourful memories or strands of events may gently introduce themselves, or barge their way in, intertwining sometimes painfully twisting, yet building up the lifeline around our loss.

Within this evolving thread, there is still a deep resonant core of grief. It is a thrumming echo of love persevering, ever-present. A map-reference thread, through the maze of our lives, as we navigate forward with our loss.

Grief may be obscured with the everyday, then in unpredictable moments, it’s exposed, the painful red thread that runs deep. I try to compassionately hold that love which is persevering, even when anger and fear-filled adrenalin are barbs, embedded within it. I try to create some space to interweave more life, like a balm around it, or gently try to untangle the spikes of pain around it. It’s an effort, every day but I try.

I try to respect grief’s place in my heart, love persevering where it belongs, at home threaded within; part of my core.

Recommendations:

'It's OK That You're Not OK', by Megan Devine. struck several chords for me.

The video she has made offers useful insights into grief, for yourself or for anyone wondering how to help a grieving friend.

Whilst friends and family can be empathetic, grief is a personal journey. It’s not linear, predictable, or controllable. So, let’s keep trying to be kind and compassionate with ourselves.

If you feel overwhelmed there are a number of resources I've shared on the homepage, for those of us in the UK.

Here are some links for support:

• Cruse UK’s leading bereavement support charity. (Recommended highly by a Carer; they receive GP referrals). Helpline: 0808 808 1677

• Carers UK Coping with bereavement

• Carers Trust Coping with Grief

• MIND Mental health support

I’m Victoria. You can read why I’m publishing Carer Mentor here: Who Started Carer Mentor and Why?

Have a look at this video produced by Megan Devine. This resonated strongly with me. How about you?

From the YouTube video information:

How do you help a grieving friend?

It's hard to know what to do when someone is going though a difficult time. The thing is, you can't cheer someone up by telling them to look on the bright side, or by giving them advice. It just doesn't work. Watch this video to learn the one thing that will help you support your friends in the most helpful and effective ways.

Simple. Subtitles in Spanish, Arabic, French, Persian, Norwegian, and English

A Key Takeaway Learning: Acknowledgment, Empathy.

Don’t try to make me feel better, silver-line things, or expect me to be full of rainbows.

Be okay with things not being okay and sit in the fuzzy, painful mess with me.

Thank you, Megan Devine!

This is her website: Megan Devine’s website and book below.

It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. 1 Nov. 2017

Did this resonate with you and why?

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